We both watch as they leave, not saying a word to each other until the door is closed.
“We need to talk,” we both say at the same time.
“You first.” I smile nervously, feeling overwhelmed with what I’m about to say. The anxiety builds in me so much, it makes me feel dizzy.
“I’m sorry, Alexa, but I have to get back to California. I knew two weeks was pushing it and I should have been honest with myself in the first place, but you pressured—”
“You haven’t really been here at all, have you, Mike? So please, don’t blame me. At least give me that much respect.” I try to maintain some dignity as the tears fill my eyes, knowing what I’m about to say.
“Christ, Alexa. I don’t know how to make you happy anymore. I’m here. I came all the way back to this godforsaken place for you, and all you can do is give me shit for doing my job. Shit is hitting the fan at home and all you care about is getting attention twenty-four-seven! You’re so fucking selfish and self-centered. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of getting shit nonstop because of the things I do to take care of our family.”
I take deep breaths as he makes me out to be the inconsiderate bitch I’ve feared I’ve become. Even if what he’s saying is true, and part of it probably is, it’s clear that we are no longer in a place where we can make each other happy. “I love you, Mike. I’ve done everything I can to keep us together for the boys, but nothing is working. I know it’s my fault for being so up in your business and questioning every move, but you have to take responsibility that you’re the one who caused me to be this way. You’re the one who cheated—”
“Are you ever going to let that go? Fuck, Alexa!” He slams the table and I see the tears building in his eyes now too. “I swear to you,” he comes up to me and takes my shoulders in his hands to turn me toward him, “I swear, I haven’t done anything since I told you everything. It’s all been work—that’s all it’s been.”
“Then quit. I’m asking you to make a choice: your job or me and the boys.” I stand tall, waiting for his response even though I know what his choice will be.
He looks at me in total shock. “Choose? How can you expect me to choose? We’ll have nothing if I sell the company.”
“We’ll have the money you get when you sell. We can sell the house and downsize. I have a few more jobs lined up after I finish the C.J. Fox job, and we can use that until you find something less stressful. Something that’s better for us, for our family.” I can’t hide the desperation in my voice while I still hold on to the hope that he’ll choose us.
“We’re too in debt to drop everything now, Alexa. If you paid attention to anything but your daily workouts and manicures, you’d have realized that. That’s why I’ve been working so hard and am never home. I’ve taken on everything and anything I can to get us out of this hole. And all you do is bitch.”
“What hole?” I ask, completely shocked by his admission of our financial problems. He can pretend I don’t take an active part in our family as much as he wants. There is plenty of money in our bank account. I’m always sure to pay our bills and credit cards on time. With the way Mike’s been spending money on his clients, I wouldn’t’ve suspected a thing was wrong with our finances.
He walks over to the wooden stool at the island and puts his head in his hands in defeat. “I’ve told you all along there’s a lot going on. Too much to even begin telling you about. I just need a little more time, and I’ll get us back where we were. I just need more time.” The desperation in his voice is heartbreaking.
I say the words that have been hiding below the surface for the both of us this past year of hell. “I think we should separate. When this all blows over, we can reevaluate our relationship, but I can’t be treated this way anymore, and clearly you can’t handle the way I’m treating you.” I cry as soon as the words pass over my lips; I wish I could take them back. Is this really happening?
“I think that’s a good idea,” he says without hesitation, reaching out for my hand. “I love you, Alexa. I always have and always will. We just aren’t good together anymore.” He kisses my knuckles and releases my hand. “One day maybe we will be again, but for now, I agree that we need to see if we are better on our own.”
My heart is crushed, and my soul oddly feels free at the same time. I don’t try to hide the tears of disappointment and failure that erupt from me. I’ve held on to this marriage for so long, I don’t know how I’ll function without him.
“When are you going back to California?” I ask through my tears.
“As soon as I can get packed.” He reaches over and pulls me into his arms, and I let him. “I’ll find a place to live while you’re here. You stay in the house until we decide what to do. You deserve that house. I’ll come back here when the boys return from camp and we can take them back home together. I think we should wait until we’re back in California to tell them, though.”
I can’t think straight and agree to everything he’s just said. The best thing I can do right now is not blow up at him and list the ways he’s hurt me. The one thing I know is I want us to remain friends and kind to each other for the boys. They deserve not to be put in the middle of any of this the way they have been already.
“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” I finally say aloud in shock.
“I never wanted this for us; you have to believe this. I really thought you were my forever.” He tries to console me.
“Maybe I still am, and this is just a way to make us realize it.”
“Maybe.” But doubt is written all over his face.
It was my wedding day, and I sat in a pile of clothes, wishing my mom was here to give me the advice I so desperately needed. There have been times in my life where I wished my mom was with me—graduation from high school and college, when I went shopping for my wedding dress—but today was a day that her absence was so devastating that it made it hard to breathe.
I couldn’t sleep last night. So many doubts and questions took over my thoughts; I wished my mom could tell me everything was going to be alright. I needed her to tell me that second thoughts before a wedding are normal. I’m too afraid to admit to anyone the doubts I’m having; those were things that a daughter can only confide in her mom with—at least that’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m so confused because I have no doubt I love Mike. I love him more than I’ve loved anyone since Jamie—but I also love him in a much different way. All I could think about last night as I tossed and turned in my childhood bed was wondering whether I’m settling. I’ve convinced myself that I’d never love anyone the way I loved Jamie because he was my first love—but now all I could wonder is whether I just settled for the first person who was able to make me love again.
The part that’s almost as frustrating as my mom’s absence is that none of these doubts were things I worried much about before last night. Sure, throughout my relationship, especially when Mike was dismissed from his fraternity, I had hesitations about him. It frustrated and confused me when he didn’t fight for his innocence. I appreciated his desire to protect his friends and take responsibility, but I didn’t understand why he would have chosen that direction if he were completely innocent. The one thing that’s always helped me through doubts was that Mike loved me for all of my good and bad. I never doubted that I could trust him with my heart.
I wasn’t sure why, but as I sat there in a pile of doubt, something made me reach under my bed and take out a box I haven’t looked at for years. It was a small, silver box that Jamie had kept his mother’s Claddagh ring in, and now I kept my last few mementos of Jamie locked away in it. I ran my fingers across the cool silver designs, wondering why I’ve kept this after Jamie cut me out of his life, but when I lifted the lid to see his mother’s ring in the deep green velvet, I knew why.
His mother’s ring.
Tears finally released from my eyes when I took the ring in my fingers. I wasn’t crying for Jamie; I was crying for his mom. Like my mom, she would never get the
chance to see him get married or have kids of his own. I looked at the inscription on the inside of the golden ring—One love, everlasting. It was Jamie’s addition to the ring to make it ours. I suddenly felt guilty for having kept a ring like that, when it should go to the person who he actually married. I didn’t deserve that ring anymore.
I didn’t wonder why Jamie never took it back until now. Perhaps because his exit from my life was so abrupt and final, it wasn’t worth it to him to contact me to get it back. Perhaps he left it with me because he had it personalized—maybe he simply forgot, or maybe he just didn’t care. Whatever his reasons, I made a promise as I looked at that ring that if I ever saw him again, I’d give it back.
I lifted up one of the folded pieces of crumpled white-lined paper that Jamie had written letters to me on. I carefully opened the distressed paper and ran my fingers over the words, not focusing too closely on what was written. Those words mean nothing to me anymore; it’s the picture I had hidden inside that I wanted to see. I looked at the small white paper that had a beautiful portrait of my mom painted on it—and the tears fell harder. The picture was the one thing I saved from a bracelet Jamie had given me the night before he learned his dad was dying. Jamie had taken a picture of my mom I kept on my nightstand, and was able to capture her simple beauty perfectly in this whimsical profile portrait of her looking off into the distance with a soft, comforting smile. She truly looked like an angel and it was just what I needed to see as I sat there in confusion and doubt about my wedding.
A smile reached my lips when I held the small painting in my hand; it was small enough to keep in the antique locket of my mom’s that Dad had saved for me. Peace and calm instantly came over me, as if my mom were giving me a giant hug of reassurance from Heaven. Surely Jamie would’ve had no idea what this picture meant to me on this day when he gave it to me as a way to keep all the things I loved most close. But the last remnant of a gift that to me was filled with lies was now the one thing I needed to help me realize there was a reason Jamie was in my life at all—to bring me my mom when I needed her most.
I wiped the tears from my face, smiling a little to myself as I kissed the picture of my mom, and set it on my nightstand next to my locket. I picked up Jamie’s letters once more and closed my eyes, allowing myself to picture his face one last time. “Thank you,” I whispered to Jamie. But my words wouldn’t ever reach his ears. Now I tore up his love-filled letters. I didn’t need them anymore and I needed to let go of that chapter of my life. I tossed the shredded pieces of paper into the trash, feeling lighter with each decision I’ve made, and closed the silver box, leaving only the ring in case I ever had a chance to keep my promise.
As I stood arm in arm with my dad outside of the grand church doors, I felt more harmony about my life than I ever thought possible after the past twenty-four hours I spent panicking. I adjusted the lace and crystal gown that hugged my waist in a flattering way, pooling out into a wave of white and silver jewels that encircled my feet. I touched the locket around my necklace and took one last peek at my mom’s face. I know it was just hope changing my perceptions, but I swear her smile was brighter and bigger than before.
She was with me.
When the doors opened and Canon in C began to play, I saw Mike at the end of the aisle, smiling at me with no doubt on his handsome face. It was then that all of my hesitation washed away and I knew he was going to be my forever. My eyes never left his when I walked down the rose-scattered aisle, pulled toward him like a magnetic force. Everyone else fell away when my dad handed me over to Mike and we said our vows. The way he gently stroked my hand as we listened to the priest soothed my soul, making me think of all the other times in our lives together ahead where his touch will be the comforting thing I will need to bring me peace. Mike made me feel loved. He made me feel safe. I wanted to be that for him and vowed to spend every day from that point on making sure he does. I’ve let go of the piece of heart that Jamie still held, only keeping what belongs to Mike. He deserves my whole heart, even if there was a piece missing.
Finally, having a moment to ourselves before the reception, Mike took me aside and led me hand in hand around the corner to a private hallway. We were both laughing the entire way; we had several hundred people waiting to celebrate with us, but we didn’t care. Once we turned the corner, he flipped me around and had me pinned up against the wall.
“God, you’re beautiful.” He kissed me passionately, as if it was our first. He pulled back, breathless, and traced his fingertips across my cheeks with an adoring smile. “You’re so flushed. I love when I do that to you. I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives making you this way.”
I took his face in my hands now. “My forever.” I kissed him with all my heart, hoping to show him that all my hesitation was gone.
“That’s what the honeymoon’s for, you sluts,” Lee joked as she popped her head around the corner, uncomfortably close, ignoring all rules of personal space.
Mike held my lips to his, watching Lee out of the corner of his eye in defiance to Lee, making me laugh through our kiss.
Lee’s hand inched between our lips. “I have no boundaries. You know this,” she said seriously. “Mrs. Wedding Planner From Hell will have my ass if I don’t bring you guys to the reception N.O.W.!”
Mike smiled at me, and then turned to Lee. “Give us just one more minute. I promise we’ll be right there.” He kissed Lee’s cheek and she folded like a deck of cards at the way he was looking at me.
“Two minutes,” she called behind her as she made her way back to the reception.
Mike’s lustful behavior was gone. His face turned serious when he reached for my hands and brought them to his lips, placing a soft kiss on the knuckles. “Alexa, you’ve made me happier than I ever thought possible today. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. Never.” He looked into my eyes again with ardor. “I got you something.” He seemed uncharacteristically nervous when he pulled a small red velvet bag from his pocket. I looked down at it in wonder. He pulled on the tiny drawstrings and reached in the little bag, pulling out a silver chain that was attached to a diamond heart necklace. “This is my heart. It’s yours now and forever. I want you to look at this necklace any time you doubt our relationship, or any time I piss you off.” He laughed and tapped my nose. “I want you to look at it and remember us together, here today, promising to love each other forever. In good times and bad. Because I have no doubt that I’m going to fuck this all up somehow, and I want this to be the thing you look at to remember that there will never be anyone but you.”
He placed the beautiful necklace on my neck, removing the picture of my mom, and slipped it into the little red bag. A part of me hesitated to let it replace my mom, but I also found it in some ways very symbolic considering the picture inside was from Jamie. I smiled up at him broadly, wishing this feeling would last forever.
“I love you.” I kissed him again.
“Let’s get back to everyone so we can be announced as husband and wife.” Mike smiled brightly at me. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of calling you my wife.”
“I’ll never get sick of hearing you call me your wife,” I said, completely unaware of the lie I was telling.
Mike’s been gone a week and the only time we’ve spoken has been to discuss Jamie’s restaurant and the fact that he’s found a house to rent that’s in the same community as our house. I sit on the rough carpet on the floor in my old bedroom of my dad’s house, looking at the heart-shaped necklace Mike gave me on our wedding day, unable to hold back the tears. I’ve worn this necklace every day since we were married, and it makes me sad to think it no longer holds meaning.
I’m glad my boys aren’t here to witness my heartbreak and failure. I had hoped this necklace held the magic in it that my mom’s locket seemed to on our wedding day, but it didn’t. Before Mike left, I showed him the necklace and reminded him of what he said to me on our wedding day—it made no difference. He only looked at me as if
I was a pathetic child who believed in fairy tales. Perhaps I was, but I wanted to believe that he meant those words when he said them. I wanted to believe that I really was the one he loved beyond everything else. No, I placed last on his list. His only love left for me was that I was the mother of his children. And he knew the boys would always be loved and taken care of by me.
I’m not sure what to do with this necklace now that it only reminds me of broken promises, and toss it carelessly up onto my dresser. It would not be something I would want to pass down to my boys. It’s tainted with lies and deceit. As soon as the metal leaves my hands, it makes me think of my mom’s portrait and I’m reminded of a promise I made to myself on my wedding day. I reach under my bed and pull out the silver metal box that was now dusty and worn from years of being hidden away. I wipe away the dust and lift the lid to reveal what I’m looking for—Jamie’s ring. It hasn’t been my ring in a long time, and he deserves to have it back.
I slip it into my pocket, feeling lighter knowing that I can bring some happiness to another person after the torment I’ve been going through. Today’s the day where I’m taking Jamie and Frank to see Steve’s work and I’ll have to find a time later, perhaps at dinner, to give it to him. I don’t want to make a big deal of it, or give him any inclination that I’m doing it for any other reason than the fact that I’m returning something that isn’t mine anymore. I don’t know whether he’s been missing it or not, but I hope reconnecting him with a piece of his mom the way he unknowingly reconnected me to my mom when I needed her most would bring some contentment to him.
I have to do my best to hide any sign of discontent from Jamie today so he doesn’t pry into why Mike’s not here with me in New Jersey like he’d expected. I don’t want to face his pity, or give him any reason to think that I’d be coming after him now. I’m sure the last thing he’d want to be dealing with is a newly single mother of two lusting after him when he has hundreds of twenty-somethings always at his feet, vying for his attention. Lee’s made a promise not to spill a word of my break-up with Mike, or about the problems he confessed he’s been having with his company. The last thing I need is for Jamie to get wind of this and realize Mike’s company isn’t in as good of shape as he may have thought. They just started construction last week, and news like that would cause quite a bit of friction between the two companies.
The Wife Page 12
