I held up my apology, and I saw her lips twitch like she wanted to smile, but was refusing to. She reached out to grab the bag, but I held it out of reach. She gave me a narrow glare, and I explained, “You have to come out and talk to me.”
Her eyebrows raised so high they were practically at her hairline at that stipulation. “You?” She pointed at me. “Want to talk?” She parroted back in disbelief.
“Yes,” I told her seriously. I’d had time to think about it, and I wanted to tell her my story. Admitting that I’d never made an attempt to see my own daughter shamed me. Telling Sophie my story wasn’t going to absolve me of my own guilt, but maybe it was a step onto the road back to where I wanted to be.
“Okaaay,” she said, cautiously curious at my complete about-face. “I’m hungry,” she continued, swiping the peppermint patties out of my hand. I let her have them, since she was already walking toward the kitchen.
She stood awkwardly next to the bar, a half-eaten peppermint patty in her hand, when I caught up. I went around to the fridge and started pulling the stuff out to make BLTs. I had a feeling she was good with anything containing bacon, and at least there was a vegetable on the sandwich.
“We can eat, and then I’ll tell you my story,” I said, making the toast. She nodded at me before turning to stare out at the snow. It hadn’t let up at all, and I was starting to worry we would be snowed in through Christmas. The thought didn’t bother me nearly as much as it had yesterday. This might be the first Christmas in four years I hadn’t spent alone.
We ate in silence, but it was more comfortable than I thought. I was nervous about telling her my story. I wondered if I could get through the entire thing without getting emotional. I was pretty sure there was no possibility of that, though. That one day had defined the past four years of my life, and been the reason I avoided relationships and my own family.
I stacked our plates in the sink before going to sit in the great room. Sophie was settled into the couch, the blanket from our picnic wrapped around her. She’d turned the fire on before sitting down, and I stared into the flames, as I began.
“I met Hannah when I was fifteen and she was fourteen. It was love at first sight, for me. We dated throughout high school. I always knew I’d go play football for Alabama and then go pro. I’d had that dream, since the first time I threw a spiral. I assumed Hannah would come to Alabama with me. She was a year behind, but I was sure we could make it work. I knew she wanted to be an engineer, and Alabama had a great engineering program.”
“Her parents were incredibly strict, and Hannah loved to spend time with my family. She fit, you know? Right after I graduated high school, Hannah broke it off with me. No real explanation, just that I should have my freedom. I was headed to college and didn’t need to be tied down to a high school girlfriend was what she told me. I argued, but she was adamant. Part of me thought she’d change her mind, that she’d miss me and come back. I went and got caught up in freshman life. I was starting quarterback, practically unheard of for a freshman.”
“In the beginning, I cried to my brother about Hannah dumping me, but he said the same thing she said. College would distract me. I finally stopped talking about it, but I didn’t forget. I loved Hannah, and first love isn’t so easy to let go of.”
“Ford’s my brother and he was my best friend. He taught me to throw a football, practiced every single day with me, for years. He taught me about sex, explained to me how to please a girl. He was always there for me, even when I didn’t know it. I was the only one that knew he didn’t want to be a lawyer, even though our dad was insisting on it.”
I paused here, realizing as I was talking about all the good memories I’d buried in my anger. Sophie waited patiently, making no effort to interrupt me. She seemed to understand that I couldn’t stop, if I wanted to get through it.
“What I didn’t know when I left for college was that Hannah was pregnant. She chose not to tell me, because she didn’t want me to give up my dream of going pro. She knew I’d stay and support her. She intended to give the baby up for adoption, and figured my knowing wouldn’t solve anything.”
My chest was tight from the thought of how close I’d come to never knowing I had a child, and that I hadn’t made an attempt to know her in the intervening years.
“But Hannah and Ford fell in love. They decided to keep the baby and raise her. They just didn’t tell me.”
My smile was twisted, as I came to this part. The day of reckoning. My mind flashed back to that day.
My backseat was piled with stuff from my dorm. My Camaro didn’t have much cargo space. I should have stopped at the house first, but I was eager to see Ford. I couldn’t believe when he’d told me he was renting a house. I knew he said it was to be closer to work, but seriously, a house? We could have some epic parties, was my first thought. My second was that he had space for his baby brother. I wasn’t inclined to spend the summer back at home, after having tasted freedom at college.
I checked the address and pulled into the driveway. It was a nice brick rancher in an older neighborhood. I saw a workshop behind the house. I couldn’t tell if it was on his property or the next. I was sure that was where Ford was, but I didn’t want to walk up. I figured I’d try the house, and if he didn’t answer I’d go over. I rang the doorbell, but impatient, I was about to just cut around the house and go to the shop I saw, when the door swung open, and I saw Hannah.
“Hannah, what are you doing here? I didn’t realize you hung out with Ford.” I was puzzled to see Hannah there. “I got in a day early and this was my first stop. I was hoping to surprise him. See if he’d let me crash with him instead of the parents.”
Hannah looked uncomfortable. I recognized the expression on her face, as the one she had before she was about to tell me something I wouldn’t like.
“It’s a long story. We should probably sit down,” she said, moving further into the house. She seemed to know her way around pretty well, and I got the uncomfortable feeling she spent a lot of time here.
When we got to the kitchen, Hannah went to the refrigerator and got iced tea for us. I looked around at the clothes half folded on the table, and then I saw her. She was suspended in some type of swing attached to the door. She was a little bitty thing, curly hair the exact same color as Hannah’s. A feeling was snaking down my back, a premonition almost.
“Her name’s Grace. She’s four months old,” Hannah said, answering part of my unvoiced question.
“You’re babysitting? Ford never said he had a baby.” My words were uncertain, and I desperately wanted her to agree with them.
She didn’t hesitate to answer, but in the process, she shattered my entire world, “It’s my daughter. You need to sit down. I’ll explain everything.”
I fell into the chair more than sat, as she slid a glass in front of me. She set a plate of cookies on the table before sitting across from me. I couldn’t take my horrified eyes off the little girl bouncing in the door next to me. I already knew what she was going to say.
“I found out I was pregnant right before you graduated. She’s yours.” I heard the words she was saying, but it was as if they were coming through a long tunnel. I couldn’t quite comprehend them.
“It’s an odd quirk that she happens to look like Ford. I think she looks more like your mom, but the baby pictures don’t lie either. I didn’t tell you, because I planned to give her up for adoption.” I realized she was rambling, because she was nervous, but her voice faded out of focus. The words ‘she was yours’ kept repeating through my head, drowning out all the other ones.
“Why? How could you? I would have been here for you,” I finally interrupted, the words painful, as I uttered them.
“I know you would have stayed. You wouldn’t have gone to Alabama. And Colt, we didn’t have the kind of love that could support a brand new family,” she said, before I interrupted her, the betrayal slicing too deep to ignore.
“I had a right to know! To make that choice,” I
shouted.
“You did. And I took that from you. I thought I’d give her up and I didn’t want to put you through that,” she said, pausing for breath. “I made the most selfish, unselfish choice I could make.”
I looked at her, shaking my head, feeling tears gather in my eyes. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest from her betrayal. I didn’t want to hear anymore, but she kept going, as if she hadn’t hurt me enough.
“I fell in love with Ford. We decided to keep the baby.” Again, her words faded out after a certain point. I wondered if it was my mind’s way of protecting itself, because it couldn’t take any more pain.
I sat back in my chair, exhaling roughly. My eyes were continually pulled to the baby in the door. Grace. She said her name was Grace. Hannah’s still talking, but I was no longer listening. I wondered if I could transfer to Baylor. Their football team was decent. I could still have a chance at the pros. I’d be closer. I could see her at least. Hannah went over to the bouncy thing and pulled the baby out. Grace. I needed to remember that, my mind told me. I knew I didn’t want to forget that detail.
“My parents knew?” I finally asked.
“Yes.” The word echoed in my mind, twisting the knife deeper. How many people knew, and no one ever told me? I came back to the conversation when she said, “They promised me to keep the secret. We had the best intentions.” I heard the regret in her words, but it did nothing to soothe the rage boiling inside of me.
“Yeah, best intentions. My girlfriend, brother and parents all lied to me for a year. Didn’t tell me I have a daughter, because they didn’t want me to give up my dream,” I bit out, the anger hard to control. “Do I have it about right? You all made the decision about what was best for me, without asking me.” My voice was getting louder, and I flinched, as Grace whimpered at the noise I was making. I wanted to stop. I didn’t want to scare her, but it was pouring out of me then like a runaway train. “Did it ever occur to any of you that maybe being a father would be more important to me than playing football?” I was roaring by then, breathing heavily, as I stood up.
“Truthfully, no,” she told me quietly. She looked me in the eye and said, “I wouldn’t change my decision. Did I make the right decision? I don’t know. I thought I did at the time. Do you agree? Probably not. But I still wouldn’t change it.”
“How could you?” I whispered, the words broken, as I walked towards the door.
“Colt.” I paused when she said my name. “I’m sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am.” She looked down at Grace, and my eyes followed. Hannah’s words had shattered my desire to try and be a part of Grace’s life. I looked up and forced myself not to look back down at her. She was not my daughter. She was Ford’s. “I wanted you to have your dream. One day I hope you forgive me.” I didn’t look back, as I walked out of the house, her final words disappearing from my thoughts as quickly as smoke.
He was in the workshop, like I’d originally thought. I stormed over, after walking out on Hannah. He was putting a board through some type of machine, but it didn’t stop me. My fist was crashing into his face before he even realized I was there. I felt a savage satisfaction seeing him hit the ground.
“You stole my girl and my daughter,” I shouted, pacing, as he pushed himself back up. “You lied to me,” I finished, the words quieter now, more painful.
“Colt,” Ford choked out. I could see the pain and regret etched on his face, but I couldn’t seem to make myself care.
“I stopped by the house. I thought I could crash with you for the summer.” I was laughing like it was funny, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t quite control it though. “But guess who answered the door? She explained. She was sorry, but everyone thought they were doing what was best for me.” I was shaking my head, mostly in disbelief. My fist clenched, and I felt the blood on my knuckles, but I didn’t swing again. “I might get it coming from her. But my brother knows me. He wouldn’t lie to me, not like that. He wouldn’t step in and take my place.”
Ford was shaking his head. “I didn’t take your place. I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t like that.” His voice cracked painfully, the words acid on my open wounds.
“Really? Because you know, she moved in with you. You’re raising my daughter, right? Aren’t you? Hannah said you fell in love. Did she lie? How long have you been in love with my girlfriend? Were you waiting for me to leave, is that it?” I was shouting again, beyond reason now.
Ford looked over my shoulder and shook his head slightly. I wanted to care who he was looking at, but I couldn’t.
“I didn’t steal your girl. That was never the intention. She didn’t have anywhere to go. Hell, I fell in love, because of how amazing and strong she is. It wasn’t planned. I wasn’t waiting to swoop in when you went away. You know better than that, Colt,” Ford said, the words sharp.
“Do I? Cause an hour ago I would have staked my life on the fact that you wouldn’t lie to me,” I replied, wanting my words to hurt him as much as his hurt me
“You’re right,” he admitted, the words sounding defeated. “I shouldn’t have lied. Doesn’t really matter what the intention was. But I can’t change it.”
“Would you change it if you could?” I asked him, the question weighted. I watched him take a deep breath.
“No,” he said, causing me to close my eyes and shake my head. “No, I would make the same decision again.”
I laughed, but we both knew there was nothing funny about it.
“She said the same. You intentionally keep life altering information from me, but neither of you would make a different choice.” Some part of me had hoped he’d give me a different answer—that one of them wanted me to know and be a part of Grace’s life, their lives. But instead, they’d built this cozy life I had no part of. I turned and started walking away.
“Colt,” I heard him say, desperately. I paused, his desperation catching me by surprise, but I didn’t turn around.
“I’m not going anywhere. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here.” I was tempted to turn around, but I didn’t. I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready to talk to him again.
I came back from the memory of that day, focusing on Sophie and her wide emerald eyes. I repeated the words they all told me, “We had the best intentions.” The words still sounded bitter on my tongue.
“They all wanted me to pursue my dream. The irony was, they were right.” I paused again, feeling lighter now, as the story ended. “Not everyone can achieve the level of success I’ve had, not without sacrifice. Their choices were what allowed me the freedom to pursue my dreams.”
“You forgave them,” Sophie stated, watching me from the couch.
“Yep,” I replied, leaning forward, staring at my hands.
“But you haven’t spoken to them?” she questioned me. I took a deep breath, “No.”
“Why not?” She was persistent, digging right for the heart of the problem.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I was angry for a very long time. Ford was my hero. It hurt when I felt like he’d fallen off the pedestal I kept him on. And I was bitter, because he was still playing the hero, just for someone else.”
She was silent, letting me formulate my thoughts. I rubbed my face, wanting to push the feelings bubbling to the surface away, but I couldn’t. I needed to finish this. I’d been running for far too long.
“They’d betrayed me, all of them. I couldn’t deal with it, so I ran away. Refused to talk to them. As time went on, it got easier and easier to keep silent. Now, I don’t know how to bridge the silence.”
“You could try, “Hey, bro, what up? Long time no talk,” she said, matter-of-factly. Her words startled a laugh out of me. I could tell she was serious, but I marveled at how simple she made it seem.
“Maybe you’re more formal. “Brother, it’s been too long since we’ve spoken. I’d like us to have discourse.” I couldn’t help laughing. She was ridiculous, but it was good.
“I know! Dude, you heard? I’m pro.
Shoot me a line,” she said, in the worst surfer boy accent I’d ever heard. I was shaking my head, still laughing.
“Give me your phone,” she said, holding out her hand. That stopped my laughter. My hand was in my pocket, resting on my phone, but I didn’t pull it out. “Colt, it’s time.” Her voice was serious, and I handed her the phone reluctantly. I watched her scroll before beginning to type, then she pressed send and handed it back.
“I think it went through. The storm was messing with the signal. No telling when a response will come through,” he told me, frowning slightly. I thought she was worried I’d be upset if I didn’t get an immediate response.
She was not far off. My stomach was already clenching from nerves when suddenly my phone dinged in my hand. I looked down and saw a text message from Ford. I squeezed my eyes shut, attempting to contain the dampness, before I looked down.
I read the message Sophie sent from me. “I’m stuck in a blizzard, but when it’s over, I’d like to talk.”
“I’ve been waiting four years for this message. I’ll wait through a blizzard,” was Ford’s reply.
I laughed, as the tightness in my chest eases. I was relieved the silence was broken, that he’d replied, that we still had a chance to repair our relationship. Sophie smiled, as I read the text message to her.
“See … that wasn’t so bad,” she joked, her laughter sounding relieved as well.
Sophie
Chapter Six
“I think this calls for a celebration!” I cried, my words practically giddy from the release of the spell we’d been under. Listening to him tell his story caused me a unique pain. Knowing the people most important to him had all betrayed him made me wonder if he’d ever be able to trust someone. I wouldn’t let myself think why I cared.
The Anderson Brothers Complete Series Page 24
