He falls down onto the bed, holding himself off of me. Swiping the edge of his tongue along the roof of my mouth, he releases my lips as he places his knees on the mattress, inching us toward the center.
I grab the waistband of his jeans, but he stops me. "There's something I need to say first. There are lots of things, actually, but the first thing is this. I love you, Piper. I do. It took me a while to realize it, but I'm pretty sure I have all along. I just didn't recognize the feeling because I've never had it...for anyone."
"You don't have to say it to me just because I did. I love you whether you love me back or not, Haddox. It's okay."
His hand runs up the outside of my bare thigh, his thumb slipping under the edging of my panties. His touch drives me crazy. "And that's what made me realize that I love you, because you don't expect me to. You showed me first, expecting nothing in return. I'm sorry, Piper. I fucked up. I did. It probably won't be the last time either, but I know that losing you isn't an option. This week has been hell. I don't want any more secrets between us. I need you to know everything, so you'll know that there are some things you'll have to teach me, because no one ever has."
My heart sinks. I want to take away all of his pain. I rub my thumb over his bottom lip, pulling his lips to mine. I run my tongue over the shape of his lips. "Tell me, baby."
He looks terrified. "I don't really know where to start, so maybe I'll tell you the worst part first. I've killed two people, Piper."
My eyes widen. He what? My breathing picks up. "Who?"
"My dad and Breanna's step dad. I snapped. It was an accident. It was never supposed to happen."
"You murdered someone?"
He looks at me, and his face changes. "That's why I never wanted to tell you...or anyone. It was always a secret Breanna and I kept between us. I knew you would see me as the monster that lives inside. I won't stay with you being scared of me. My happiness isn't worth it."
Before I can even think, he stands and walks out of my room, leaving my apartment completely with the slam of the door. What just happened? What did I even say? You murdered someone?
Holy fuck! I cup my hands over my mouth and immediately begin to cry. I didn't even mean to say it out loud. I was thinking it to myself, trying to put it all together. Oh God, what have I done? I didn't even ask him to explain. I've spent this whole month trying to get him to pull out of this self-inflicting torment he lives in and in the matter of two seconds I just destroyed everything. He's never going to let me back in now. The one time he opened up to me and I acted like a total idiot. Why do I fuck up everything? Maybe I don't deserve him. I promised I would never judge him for his past...and I just did.
I crawl up the bed and get under the covers, pulling them over my head. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Maybe if I go to sleep I'll wake up and realize this is just a dream.
***
I jerk awake and realize Haddox isn't here. I look at the clock on my bedside table. It's 2AM. What the hell am I still doing here? I should have gone after him as soon as he left.
I throw off the covers and run to my dresser, grabbing some yoga pants and a tee shirt. I pull on my clothes quickly and go in search of my shoes and sweatshirt, wasting no time in putting them on as well. I run through my room and pick up my purse and keys on the way to the front door, running outside without thought of whether Alyvia is home or not.
Nothing is on my mind but Haddox. Everything around me is in slow motion. I hit the elevator button at least ten times waiting on the car to arrive. When it finally does I dash inside, waiting impatiently for it to descend. It feels like it's barely moving.
As soon as it stops I exit. I've never been in such a hurry in my entire life. If I've ever had any good luck it needs to be now with a cab waiting out front. "Piper? Where are you going? It's after 2AM."
"Oh, thank God. Hold the cab," I scream at Alyvia and Reese as they exit the cab at the curb of our building. "I've got to go."
They're both looking at me like I'm crazy as I jump in the cab and shut the door, barking out the instructions to the driver. He pulls away and I watch them out the window as the distance between us increases. "Please let him be there. Please let him be there," I whisper. "Don't do anything stupid, Haddox."
I sit in this damn cab for thirty minutes with baited breath, waiting for him to arrive at Haddox's building. He pulls up curbside and I throw him all the loose cash in my purse as I jump out of the car, running for the building as I dig for my key.
The entry of the building comes into view quickly. I key in the code to unlock the door and walk inside with the sound of the door unlocking. With it being early morning the elevator is free. As the door closes, I swipe my key card to unlock his floor and ride as the car ascends too slow for my liking.
It finally reaches the top and opens onto his floor. I walk into the hallway, toward the door with my key in hand. My hand is shaking as I try to insert it into the lock. Is it considered breaking and entering if you technically live here? I take a deep breath as I turn the key. Everything is so quiet that I can hear the lock slide back as the key turns.
I turn the knob and push the door open quietly, trying not to startle him. My breathing is ragged. I walk through the foyer of the dark penthouse, leaving my shoes before walking any further across the cold floor, tiptoeing the entire way. I reach the bedroom door and stop. He still sleeps with the door shut even though I'm not here. That realization breaks my heart.
I've always had this thing about open doors when I sleep. I can't sleep if the door is open. Call me crazy, but it makes me feel better to know that if someone breaks in there is more of a chance that I would hear them if they had to open the door first than to just walk in. I'm not superstitious, but I do have quirks.
I place one hand on the door and the other on the doorknob, turning it slowly. Pressing forward, I open the door one inch at a time. When it's finally open I stand in the doorway and look toward the bed, my heart plummeting to my stomach at what I find. My eyes well up with tears without any effort at all. Oh, God. He downplayed it so much more than what it actually is. How could I have been so stupid? How did I not see this? Generally, when something seems different than what you're being told, it is. I should know this.
Haddox is convulsing in his sleep, mumbling in a cry. I tiptoe forward to get a better look. I can barely breathe. My air is physically dissipating with each step toward him. "Dad, stop. Please stop. I'm sorry."
My hands immediately cover my mouth as I suck in air, trying not to cry out. My entire body is radiating a pain I've never experienced before. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. He flinches every few seconds as if he's being hit or whipped. The city lights shining through the window makes him visible. He's trapped inside a world he shouldn't be in. He needs me...and I haven't been there for him. What kind of woman leaves the man she loves in darkness, fighting battles too big for him to fight on his own? He told me he doesn't have nightmares when I'm with him, but I didn't care. I just walked away.
I stop beside the bed, looking down at him. He's holding onto the pillow as if it's his lifeline, his shield. All of his muscles tense around it as he tightens it to his body with him almost in a fetal position, the covers hanging off the bed. "You can hate me, just please don't hurt me anymore..."
My entire world comes crashing down with those words. His voice is in so much pain, even completely asleep. He's drowning in his past. I can't take it anymore. I don't care what he's done in the past or what he does to me ever again. I can't walk away from him. It's not in me. There is no way I can live without him. I'll just have to accept the bad with the good.
My nose is congested from crying and trying to remain silent. "You've never loved me," he whispers.
I reach out to touch him but hesitate. I'm not sure how to start, so I'll start the only way I can think of. Placing my hands underneath the edge of my pants and underwear, I slide them down my legs, removing them completely. I place my knee on the edge of the mattress, not
far from him, and throw my opposite leg over him, straddling him.
He jerks and opens his eyes, looking up at me. My entire face is drenched with tears, including my lips. I can taste the salt on the edge of my lips as the tears drizzle into the crevice of them closed. "But I do, Haddox. I love you for every gosh damn person out there that's ever hurt you...and I'm about to show you."
He loosens his hold on the pillow and rolls over on his back, allowing me to sit directly on top of him instead of on his side. I grab the hem of my shirt and pull it over my head, tossing it on the floor. He watches me, saying nothing. Reaching behind me, I unhook my bra and let it fall down my arms, throwing it aside. "But I'm a monster," he whispers, his eyes never detouring from mine. "You saw it for yourself. You were scared of me. I saw it in your eyes."
I lean forward and press my lips to his. He hardens beneath me, pressing the fabric of his briefs against my flesh. "Let me tell you something. There was never a fucking moment that I was scared of you. I was caught off guard is all. I didn't even mean to ask the question out loud. I was piecing it together in my head. You left before I had time to react. If you never believe anything I say, believe this. You are not a damn monster. If you were...you wouldn't have one of these," I say and place my hand against the left side of his chest, above the beating heart that is pounding beneath the surface.
I trace the long scar that runs across his chest in the exact place my hand rests. I never completely understood when he explained the scar on his eyebrow. I more or less thought it was an occasional thing like my mom, only reacting when she needed something to express her aggressive mood on. I didn't realize that he lived in a nightmare every single day of his damn life, but without him even telling me the entire story I know that he killed him to finally get some peace. Every vague thing he's ever said about Breanna, having a choice, teaching me to defend myself, and the night of the fight with that guy spiking my drink... it all makes sense now.
The lyrics to the perfect song start to play in my head. Fix you by Coldplay. It explains this exact moment perfectly. I recite to him the two lines that stick out to me, even though not necessarily in this order. "I will try to fix you.... and I will learn from my mistakes."
"I promise it wasn't on purpose. I just couldn't take it anymore," he whispers as a tear rolls from the corner of his eye down his cheek. "I couldn't allow you to love me unless you knew. The guilt eats at me every fucking day of my life."
I've never seen him cry, and I'm not sure if I ever will again. Guys like Haddox don't do it often, so when they do you automatically know it’s the overkill of emotions rushing through the three vital parts that keep a person intact: the mind, heart, and soul. It makes the moment that much more monumental when forming a memory.
I lean forward and kiss the wet trail just above his ear. "Oh baby.... I know. You're incapable of hurting the innocent; that I'm sure of. Confession is the only way to drive the guilt away. It's time to forgive yourself, baby. I place my hand on his tattoo. "I'm sure God already has. What you went through before and the torment you've endured since has paid the wages of your sin. Change the past by improving the man as he lives in the present and walks into the future."
"I love you, Piper. You will never understand how much I love you. It consumes me. I just need you to teach me how to channel it and outwardly show it. I don't know how."
"The same way you always have, Haddox. You aren't a man of words. Your emotions have always radiated the most when you make love to me. That's the way you channel it, and that's good enough for me. I fell in love with you the way you are. Sex is how we connect. You can explain everything else tomorrow. Right now, show me how you feel. I've come home."
He fists my hair and rotates our bodies, taking the control for himself. This is what he needs. He needs to speak in the only way that he knows how… through his body. I wrap my legs around his waist and place my hands underneath the band of his underwear to work them over his butt and erection, sliding them down until I can finish removing them with my feet.
He grabs his shaft in his hand and places the head at my entrance, circling it in my wetness to make entry easier. He doesn't have to use foreplay for me to be ready for him. All he has to do is look at me or kiss me and I'm ready. I've never wanted anyone the way I want him. "With me is where you belong, Piper. Where ever you are is my home."
"I love you," is all I can say as he slides inside of me, making it as if we haven't been apart at all. Everything between us slides back into place, and the misery becomes relief, because we found freedom from our pasts in each other, fixing each other...one day at a time.
Mid November...
I walk in the hotel room looking for my woman. "Piper," I call out.
"In here," she says in a nasally voice. I walk into the bedroom, the direction in which her voice is echoing. She's laying in the king sized bed sketching with crumbled up tissues everywhere. Her nose is red, resembling one of Santa's special reindeer.
I am starting to feel guilty for asking her to come sick, but she's my good luck charm that I didn't know I needed until a couple of months ago. I need her at my fights and I didn't want to come all the way to Vegas without her. Nothing about that thought felt right. Plus, we kind of agreed a while back that we would make it a vacation since Reese and I will be fighting in the same city.
Piper knows pretty much everything about me at this point. The morning after she came back home we talked it out; the high points anyway. The rest has been building a little every day. I told her about that night and about the abuse in general that started after my mom left. I also told her about my trip back home before I came to her apartment. She knows about Breanna in every context, about that night and the recent information she gave me on the day I saw her, and she knows about Breanna coming onto me on the pier. Secrets will always come back to bite you in the ass. I'm not losing her over something that I never wanted.
We decided there was no need in over pouring all of my bad memories at once. She knows it's hard for me to rehash the memories. It's easier for me to bear it than talk about it. The woman is fucking amazing. She understands me and complements me by thinking of my needs and not hers. It's a trait that I'm trying hard to mirror. I'm comfortable with a little at a time, so that's what we've done since. It bothered me at first, but I also realized it's helped me to let it go.
Since I’ve discovered that I pretty much can't live without her, it makes things a whole lot easier for both of us. We have become even more domesticated than we were that month we returned from Rhode Island. I think then we were still becoming comfortable with each other, but when you bare yourself to a woman there really isn't anything left to feel awkward about. Admitting to a woman that you love her and need her is as naked as a man will ever get.
I stop beside the bed and place my hands on the bedding to each side of her for support as I lean forward to give her a kiss. She drops her sketchpad in her lap and crosses her index fingers over each other as she leans away from me, making an X. "Enter at your own risk. I'm toxic."
"I'll take my chances," I say as my lips briefly touch hers. "Are you feeling any better?"
"I feel fine except for the ginormous nose sitting in the middle of my face, expelling bodily fluids of the wrong color. It's pretty gross."
I smile. "Your nose is just as small and cute as it's always been. I think you're just being dramatic."
She grabs a small mirror and looks at herself. "Well, I'll be damned. It sure feels huge."
"Are you still taking your antibiotic?"
"Yes, sir."
I grin as I plop down on the bed beside her, lying on my side to face her. "I kind of like when you talk like that." I grab the edge of the blanket and pull it down enough to reveal her panties. Grabbing her thigh, I rub my hand up her leg, slipping the tip of my thumb under the edge of her underwear, sliding it down the outline, toward the spot that hooked me months ago. Her legs part and her eyes start to focus on mine.
"That's because
you're a control freak," she says in a breathy voice. "It's a good thing I love you for all of your strange quirks."
"Is that right? I thought it was because I could do this to you," I say as I slip my thumb inside her, already wet and warm. I love the way I can turn her on with just a touch. It drives my testosterone up to high levels. I won't lie. It also does things to my ego that probably aren't good.
I press my lips to her neck and she tilts it to the side, giving me better access. "Maybe that too. That feels nice." I thrust my thumb in and out as the tip of my tongue slides between my lips and trails down her neck and chest, stopping on the full breast peeking out of her tank. I suck her flesh into my mouth and she moans out. I bite down, not hard enough to hurt her, but hard enough to cause a little pain. My thumb is coated with another dispersal of moisture.
She scoots down the bed, giving me a better angle. My cock is hard. That's just too bad. I have plans after my fight is done. I'll fight better frustrated. We're in Vegas and I'm an extremist. I'm just setting her up for later. I need her to need me...in every way.
When I left earlier, I passed by a chapel on the strip and started thinking. I want her, in every way, for the rest of my life. I think subconsciously it was decided a while ago, but I never thought of this. I know I don't want anyone else. That's fucking obvious...so I thought, what the hell, I should ask her to marry me. There isn't anything more permanent than that. It's probably fucking insane given the fact we met in August, but I guess when you decide she's the one, time doesn't really matter.
Maybe it's being in sin city that is going to my head. You don't come to Vegas without doing something fucking crazy. How much crazier can you get than getting hitched without anyone else knowing? I would think that would be more meaningful anyway, so I bought a ring earlier when I went to train for tonight, one that's going to be placed on her left hand later and remain there forever. I'm legally and physically binding her to me. I want a damn contract. The proof will be with that ring and taking my name.
Fight for You Page 33
