There were a couple of thoughts trying to go through my head as I stood there, gasping and shaking. (I was shaking so hard I could barely stand up, and suddenly my knapsack weighed so much and hung on my back so clumsily it was going to make me fall down.) We don’t have poachers at Smokehill. The fence keeps most of them out; even little half-hearted attempts to breach it make a lot of alarms go off back at the Rangers’ headquarters and we’re allowed to call out a couple of National Guard helicopters if enough of those alarms go off in the same place. (Some other time I’ll tell you about getting helicopters through the gate.) It’s happened twice in my lifetime. No one has ever made it through or over the fence before a helicopter has got there—no one ever had. Occasionally someone manages to get through the gate, but the Rangers always find them before they do any damage—sometimes they’re glad to be found. Even big-game-hunter-type major assho—idiots sometimes find Smokehill a little too much. I’d never heard of anyone killing a dragon in Smokehill—ever—and this wasn’t the sort of thing Dad wouldn’t have told me, and it was the sort of thing I’d asked. Nor, of course, would he have let me do my solo if there was any even vague rumor of poachers or big-game idiots planning to have a try.
The other thing that was in my head was how I knew she was female: because of her color. One of the few things we know about dragon births is that Mom turns an all-over red-vermilion-maroon-with-orange-bits during the process, and dragons are green-gold-brown-black mostly, with sometimes a little red or blue or orange but not much. Even the zoos had noticed the color change. Old Pete had taken very careful notes about his mom dragons, and he thought it was something to do with getting the fire lit in the babies’ stomachs. It’s as good a guess as any.
But that was why the poacher’d been able to get close to her, maybe. Dragons—even dragons—are probably a little more vulnerable when they’re giving birth. Apparently this one hadn’t had anyone else around to help her. I didn’t know why. Old Pete thought a birthing mom always had a few midwives around.
You don’t go near a dying dragon. They can fry you after they’re dead. The reflex that makes chickens run around after their heads are cut off makes dragons cough fire. Quite a few people have died this way, including one zookeeper. I suppose I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking about the fact that she was dying, and that her babies were going to die because they had no mother, and that she’d know that. I boomeranged into thinking about my own mother again. They wanted to tell us, when they found her, that she must have died instantly. Seems to me, if she really did fall down that cliff, she’d’ve had time to think about it that Dad and I were going to be really miserable without her.
How do I know what a mother dragon thinks or doesn’t think? But it was just so sad. I couldn’t bear it. I went up to her. Went up to her head, which was like nearly as big as a Ranger’s cabin. She watched me coming. She watched me. I had to walk up most of the length of her body, so I had to walk past her babies, these little blobs that were baby dragons. They were born and everything. But they were already dead. So she was dying knowing her babies were already dead. I’d started to cry and I didn’t even know it.
When I was standing next to her head I didn’t know what to do. It was all way too unreal to want to like pet her—pet a dragon, what a not-good idea—and even though I’d sort of forgotten that she could still do to me what she’d done to the poacher, I didn’t try to touch her. I just stood there like a moron. I nearly touched her after all though because I was still shaking so hard I could hardly stay on my feet. Balance yourself by leaning against a dragon, right. I crossed my arms over my front and reached under the opposite elbows so I could grab my knapsack straps with my hands like I was holding myself together. Maybe I was.
The eye I could see had moved slowly, following me, and now it stared straight at me. Never mind the fire risk, being stared at by a dragon—by an eye the size of a wheel on a tour bus—is scary. The pupil goes on and on to the end of the universe and then around to the beginning too, and there are landscapes in the iris. Or cavescapes. Wild, dreamy, magical caves, full of curlicue mazes where you could get lost and never come out and not mind. And it’s hot. I was sweating. Maybe with fear (and with being sick), but with the heat of her staring too.
So there I was, finally seeing a dragon up close—really really up close—the thing I would have said that I wanted above every other thing in the world or even out of the world that I could even imagine wanting. And it was maybe the worst thing that had ever happened to me. You’re saying, wait a minute, you dummy, it’s not worse than your mom dying. Or even your dog. It kind of was though, because it was somehow all three of them, all together, all at once.
I stared back. What else could I do—for her? I held her gaze. I took a few steps into that labyrinth in her eye. It was sort of reddish and smoky and shadowy and twinkling. And it was like I really was standing there, with Smokehill behind me, not Smokehill all around us both as I stood and stared (and shuddered). The heat seemed to sort of all pull together into the center of my skull, and it hung there and throbbed. Now I was sweating from having a headache that felt like it would split my head open. So that’s my excuse for my next stupid idea: that I saw what she was thinking. Like I can read a dragon’s expression when I mostly can’t tell what Dad or Billy is thinking. Well, it felt like I could read her huge dying eye, although maybe that was just the headache, and what I saw was anger—rage—despair. Easy enough to guess, you say, that she’d be feeling rage and despair, and it didn’t take any creepy mind-reading. But I also saw…hope.
Hope?
Looking at me, as she was looking at me (bang bang bang went my skull), a little hope had crept into the despair. I saw this happen. Looking at me, the same sort of critter, it should have seemed to her, as had killed her.
And then she died.
And I was back in Smokehill again, standing next to a dead dragon, and the beautiful, dangerous light in her eye was gone.
And then I did touch her. I forgot about the dead-dragon fire-reflex, and I crouched down on the stinking, bloody ground, and rested my forehead against a tiny little sticky-out knob of her poor ruined head, and cried like a baby. Cried more than I ever had for Mom—because, you know, we’d waited so long, and expected—but not really expected—the worst for so long, that when the worst finally arrived we couldn’t react at all.
Twenty rough miles in a day and crying my head off—when I staggered to my feet again, feeling like a fool, I was so exhausted I barely could stand. And while none of this had taken a lot of time, still, it was late afternoon, and the sun was sinking, and I needed to get back to Pine Tor tonight if at all possible. I began drearily to drag myself back the way I had come. I had to walk past all the little dead dragonlets again. I looked at them not because I wanted to but to stop myself from looking at the poacher’s body. Which is how I noticed that one of them was still breathing.
A just-born dragon is ridiculously small, not much bigger than the palm of your hand. Old Pete had guessed they were little, but even he didn’t guess how little. I’m not even sure why I recognized them, except that I was already half nuts and they seemed to be kind of smoky and shadowy and twinkling. The color Mom goes to have them and get their tummies lit up lasts a few hours or as much as half a day, but no one—not even Old Pete—had ever seen the babies or the fire-lighting actually happening and maybe that’s not really when they’re born or lit at all, and it’s just Mom’s color that makes humans think “fire.”
But I did recognize them. And I could see that the smokiest, twinklingest of the five of them was breathing: that its tiny sides were moving in and out. And because no one knows enough about dragons one of the things I’d read a lot about, so I could make educated guesses just like real scientists, was marsupials. If I hadn’t known that dragons were marsupial-ish I think I probably still wouldn’t have recognized them, nuts or not.
They look kind of lizardy, to the extent they look anything, because mostly w
hat they look is soft and squidgy—just-born things often look like that, one way or another, but dragons look a lot worse than puppies or kittens or even Boneland ground squirrels or just-hatched birds. New dragonlets are pretty well still fetuses after all; once they get into their mom’s pouch they won’t come out again for yonks.
This baby was still wet from being born. It was breathing, and making occasional feeble, hopeless little swimming gestures with its tiny stumpy legs, like it was still blindly trying to crawl up its mom’s belly to her pouch, like a kangaroo’s joey. I couldn’t bear that either, watching it trying, and without thinking about it, I picked it up and stuffed it down my shirt. I felt its little legs scrabble faintly a minute or two longer, and then sort of brace themselves, and then it collapsed, or curled up, and didn’t move any more, although there was a sort of gummy feeling as I moved and its skin rubbed against mine. And I thought, Oh, great, it’s dead now too, I’ve got a sticky, gross, dead dragonlet down my shirt, and then I couldn’t think about it any more because I had to watch for the way to Pine Tor. The moon was already rising as the day grayed to sunset, and it was a big round bright one that shed a lot of light. I could use all the breaks I could get.
I made it back to Pine Tor and unloaded my pack but I didn’t dare sit down because I knew once I did I wouldn’t get up again till morning at least. I was lucky; Pine Tor is called that for a reason and in a countryside where there isn’t exactly a lot of heavy forest (pity you can’t burn rock) I was really grateful that I didn’t have to go far to collect enough firewood. The moonlight helped too. I hauled a lot of wood back to my campsite, being careful not to knock my stomach, because even if the dragonlet was dead I didn’t want squished dead dragonlet in my shirt. I hauled and hauled partly because I was so tired by then I couldn’t remember to stop, and partly because if the dragonlet was still alive I had a dim idea that I needed to be able to keep it warmer than my own body temperature, and partly because if it was dead I didn’t want to know and hauling wood put off finding out. There’d been too much death today already.
I got a fire going and started heating some water for dinner. There’s plenty of water in most of Smokehill (except where there isn’t any at all), and pretty much anywhere within a few days’ hike of the Institute has streams all over it running through the rocks and tough scrub so it’s less a matter of finding it than of trying not to find it at the wrong moment and get soaked (or break something in our famous fall-down-and-break-something streambeds). I pulled out a packet of dried meat and threw the meat in the water. We don’t buy freeze-dried campers’ supplies in shiny airtight envelopes from the nearest outdoor-sports shop—there isn’t one nearer than Cheyenne, and the outdoors isn’t a sport to us. We live here. Besides, we couldn’t afford it. We dry our own stuff. One of the suggestions for the gift shop was that we sell some of our own dried meat but the Rangers already have enough to do, although the pointy-head tourist consultant guy seemed to think that tourists would go for wild sheep and wild goat and bison and stuff as exotic. Exotic. I ate at a McDonald’s once, and I thought their hamburgers tasted pretty exotic.
But what I was thinking as the water got hot and I could smell the meat cooking is that we’ve always shared the dragons’ dinners. Old Pete had figured out what dragons liked best of what he could offer them while he still had them in cages and fortunately there was enough of it that could live here. This wouldn’t be a dragon haven if dragons only thrived on rhino and Galapagos tortoise, neither of which would do well at Smokehill. And Old Pete ate what the dragons ate because the dragons were the important thing. We still do and they still are.
This smelled like deer, but would sheep be any better? I’d just picked up the first couple of packets. I didn’t care.
So I sat there and looked at my supper and thought, Even if it’s still alive, how am I going to feed it? We don’t know anything about dragon milk, or dragon juice, or whatever, even if Mom makes it from eating wild sheep and so on.
I put my hand into my shirt and the dragonlet woke up at once, if it had been asleep, wriggled around like crazy, and managed to attach itself to one of my fingers, sucking so hard it hurt. So it was still alive and it was hungry. If I’d been thinking clearly I’d’ve known it was alive, though, because it was so hot. It was hot enough that when I unbuttoned my shirt to get it out there was a red mark on my stomach. It didn’t like being out of my shirt; it let go of my finger and started, I don’t know, mewing, kind of, a tiny, harsh sort of noise that I didn’t want to think sounded like a scream of absolute terror, and trying to burrow back where it came from.
I was tired, and hungry myself, and my head really hurt, and I was all wound up about what had happened, and about the fact that I had landed myself with an orphan dragonlet that I hadn’t a clue how to take care of, and how it was all going to be my fault when it died and I already felt as if everything that had happened was my fault—even though I knew that was stupid—and when it died too I’d never forgive myself and go crazy or something. I was way out of my depth. I wasn’t a mother dragon and I didn’t have a clue. Oh yes and what I was doing was totally illegal. Don’t ask me who makes the laws or why they don’t like get together sometimes and notice if the laws make any sense. But while it’s illegal to hurt or kill a dragon it’s more illegal to try and save a dragon’s life.
Dad tried to explain it to me once, that it’s about noninterference—like the way big parks (including this one) let lightning-started fires go ahead and burn everything up because it’s part of the natural cycle. Okay. Maybe. But people get bent about dragons in ways they don’t get bent about other natural cycle stuff. Apparently the witless wonder who was pushing for the dragon legislation got so bent about the anti-harminga-dragon part of the bill that he pulled all the stops out getting really vicious language into the anti-preserving-a-dragon’s-life part of the bill. The result is that trying to raise a baby dragon would be like the most illegal thing you could possibly do, next to assassinating the president maybe, and is probably one of the extra reasons the Institute has to beg for money, because we might do something illegal with it, like learn how to save dragons.
Well it would all be over soon and it would be dead and I would be crazy and Dad would have to put my gross baby-dragon-yucky clothes through the washing machine because I would be in a padded cell and couldn’t do it myself.
I rebuttoned my shirt except for one button over the belt, muttering to myself, or to it, and tucked the dragonlet back in, tail first and belly up, with its head near the opening. It stopped struggling and lay there like it was peering out through the gap and looking at me. Its eyes were open—unlike a puppy or a kitten’s—but they were blurry like they didn’t see much, like a baby bird’s. They were also a funny purplish color. It was really ugly all over, not just the eyes, sort of bruise colored, not just purplish but also yellowish and greenish, as well as smushed-looking and crusty with dried whatever.
“You are the ugliest damn thing I have ever seen in my entire life,” I said to it, clearly, like I wanted it on the record what I thought, and I swear its blurry purple eyes tried to track where the sound was coming from and it made a little grunt like an acknowledgment.
Have you ever tried to raise a baby bird or a raccoon or something? Something, you know, easy. They die a lot. We’re way too good at raccoons—that’s Eric again—since our successes are now bringing their great-great-great-grandkids for evening handouts behind the Institute—but we all still sweat when the Rangers bring in new orphans. And even with Eric’s voodoo and all the info every bird society or raccoon society or beetle society (that’s a joke) can give us (actually we wrote some of it), so you know exactly what to do and you do it…they still die. A lot. And it hurts. And that’s when you even know what they eat and for stuff that is at least already, you know, born. Which a new dragonlet isn’t, not really.
I locked open my camping spoon and dipped up some of the meat broth, gave the dragonlet my finger to suck again, which it wa
s happy to do, and poured some broth in the gap between its mouth and my finger. You’d think I’d know better, but remember I was pretty deranged.
Of course most of the broth went all over me and the dragonlet, but some of it must have gone down its throat because it choked and gargled and then I knew I had killed it. I whipped it out of my shirt again and held it up head down in the air and it gacked and gagged and then started mewing again and trying to get back in my shirt. Poor awful little monster. I’d be crying here again in a minute. This time I unbuttoned my sleeve and stuck it in tail first (against the thin skin on the underside of my forearm and let me tell you its body heat hurt) till only its face was showing, and I cupped my hand around its head and it subsided, and I swear it looked traumatized, ugly and weird as it was.
I was still muttering. Now I was saying things like “it’s okay, stupid, relax.” I’m not sure if I was talking to myself this time, or the dragonlet. I stuck a finger from my cupping hand in sort of the side of its mouth to give it something to suck on and tipped just a drop or two of broth into its mouth. (This was way more awkward than I’m telling you.) It went gulp and went on sucking. Oh hurrah. A lot of your orphans just won’t try to eat and that’s that. So the dragonlet wasn’t going to die of starvation, it was going to die of being poisoned or of not getting enough of some kind of vitamin because deer broth isn’t anything like close enough to dragon milk. As I say, no one knows what goes on in those pouches.
I fed it broth till its belly was stretching my sleeve. It was almost beginning to look kind of cute to me. I was in a bad way. But you do get like this with your orphans. If they eat you feel all…mothery. (Mom had been really good with the orphans—maybe almost as good as Eric. I remember getting old enough to ask her, kind of anxiously, if taking care of me had been as bad as the stuff at Eric’s orphanage. She’d laughed and said oh no, I was much, much worse.) I slid the dragonlet out of my sleeve again and it was either falling asleep because it was full and happy or slipping into its final coma, but it didn’t struggle so much this time. I pulled my shirt off and wrapped it up in that because I had a clean shirt in my backpack, and if one of us was going to have the clean shirt I’d rather it was me, and then I put it as near the fire as I thought I could without making dragonlet toast, or anyway setting my shirt on fire.
Dragon Haven Page 6
