by ML Ross
I’m trying to hold back my tears. She loves him and I have no idea if he knows this or how he feels about her. I’m going to lose him.
“God, I hope he can forgive me for what I’ve done. I can’t lose him again. I feel like my heart was ripped in half. That night I was so mad at him. We had sex for the first time and afterwards, just as I was about to tell him that I loved him, he told me he was sorry it happened and that it wouldn’t change our relationship. That we should pretend it didn’t happen. I was heartbroken. We went to that party and I drank a lot. I was so hurt. I remember him finding me in the garage. I was getting high with some friends. He handed me a cup of beer and asked me if I wanted to take a walk. I thought he changed his mind. I thought he was going to tell me that he loved me too. After walking for a bit, I started to feel funny. I vaguely remember him putting me in a car and driving. The next thing I remember is waking up naked and tied to some rafters in a barn. I was so out of it. I remember him asking me if I wanted to play and then he showed me the knife. I thought I took some hallucinogen or something. I don’t know how long I hung there, him torturing me with that knife. I felt like I was reliving some horror movie. After a while, I think the drug was starting to wear off. That’s when I noticed the scar and started to think things weren’t right. When…..when he was….raping me, I kept thinking that he had completely lost it. He had been struggling with the death of his parents. He was drinking a lot and having a lot of sex and I just thought, he finally lost it. Only, he had been doing better lately. That’s what I couldn’t figure out. He was doing better. I couldn’t figure out why he snapped. I figured it had something to do with what happened between us. I blacked out at some point and when I woke up, I was in the woods. When I was brought to the hospital and the police came, I was hysterical. I told them Ryan raped and tried to kill me and then I told them he killed those other girls. I was convinced. It wasn’t until recently that I started to add things up and I had doubt. I just couldn’t figure out what I was missing. He probably hates me.”
“He doesn’t blame you Kim. He doesn’t.” I assure her.
She looks at me and I can see when the thought enters her mind. “Vanessa? What happened between you and Ryan?” She asks fiddling with her hands.
I glance at Landon because he saw Ryan and me practically naked together when he rushed into the cabin. I can’t tell her.
“We’re just friends. He helped me after the accident so I wanted to help him. I knew he was innocent and had no one.”
“I need to see him.” She looks up at me with so much pain in her eyes.
“Let’s go.”
Kim drives her own car. We get into Landon’s car and head back to the police station. Landon has barely said a word.
“Landon? Did something happen between you and Kim?”
“Hhmph. Yeah. I was the other guy trying to talk her into a threesome. I was a kid. I was drunk or high. Whatever. The guy I was with was a douche. He wanted in Kim’s pants. I actually had a crush on Kim. I didn’t want that guy to be with her so I came up with the plan. I thought that if at least I was there with the two of them, I could somehow protect her. Stupid.” He confesses shaking his head.
“You never told her how you felt?”
“No. She started this weird relationship with Ryan. About a year ago, I thought about telling her. I still care for her. A lot. Of course, when we were alone and I started to spill my heart out to her, she confessed to me that she was in love with Ryan.”
“She’s been in love with him for a year?” I thought it was more recent. Shit.
“Yeah. Maybe longer. She didn’t want to lose him so she never told him. I don’t want to get involved in that. It’s fucking complicated shit. There are deep feelings there. I don’t know what happened between you and Ryan but just be careful. She’s been through a lot and she needs him.”
“Yeah.” It’s all I can get out of my tight throat. I am trying to hold it together. I check in with my Mom and let her know where we’re going. They are staying at a Holiday Inn in Gunnison. She told me not to worry about them. Mason is staying with a friend until they get back. We will head back home in the morning. We pull into the police station and Landon turns turn off the car.
“Are you okay?” He says to me.
“Yeah. I’m okay.”
I see Kim’s car as we walk in. She’s waiting for us in the lobby. We go through three officers before we are finally led back into a conference room and taken seriously. I explain my story from the beginning and then Kim adds in her side. We repeat our story three times. There are now five officers in the room listening. We point at the different papers as we explain. I mention the knife again.
“We do have officers out searching for Jacob Matheson. We haven’t found him yet. Kim, if you would talk to Officer Hunter, she would like to talk to you in more detail.”
Landon’s foster parents show up and take Landon aside. They disappear for about an hour and return. Landon has a wicked smile on his face.
“What happened?” I ask.
“Apparently, my Grandfather has left me the cabin and all of the contents, including the car in his will. They belong to me. I dropped all charges regarding breaking and entering and theft.”
“You’re kidding?! Oh my God, thank you Landon.” I throw my arms around him.
“You’re welcome.” He says chuckling.
Several hours go by and we still haven’t heard anything about Ryan’s release. Kim told the female officer about having sex with Ryan before the attack and the officer assured her that if Jacob did attack her, the proof would be in the DNA whether or not she was with anyone else that day.
One of the officers’ brings in some sandwiches and water as we wait for them to investigate our claims and trace Jacob Matheson’s whereabouts.
I think about Ryan and how scared he must be sitting in some cell wondering if anyone can help him. I wish I could go to him and hug him but I look over and Kim and I know what I have to do.
Finally, an officer comes into the conference room. “We have Jacob Matheson. We believe he was on his way to Mexico. His prints match the prints on the knife. They are collecting a DNA sample from him right now. The results can take several weeks. We have enough evidence to charge with him with assault. In the meantime, officers will be re-investigating the cases of Sophie Carsen, Mia Knoll and Kim Sawyer. Ryan Jenson is being released. All charges have been dropped.”
“When can we see him?” Kim asks.
“He is just finishing a statement and then he’ll be free to go. You can wait for him in the lobby.”
Kim, Landon and I walk to the lobby. We’re all pacing nervously. Kim looks scared as she fiddles with her hands.
About 20 minutes go by and we hear the click of the door. We all look up as Ryan slowly enters the lobby.
Chapter 19 - Ryan
I walk through the door and my eyes immediately lock on Kim’s. She’s thinner now. Her face is gaunt with yellowing bruises and scars. I almost have to look away from her. She walks towards me as we hold each other’s gaze and then she smiles through her tears and throws herself in my arms.
“Ryan. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” She cries.
“Shhhh. It’s okay. It’s not your fault.” I hug her to me and rub her back as she sobs into my chest holding a fistful of my shirt. I lay my cheek on the top of her head and close my eyes and just hold her. I’ve waited for over a month for this moment. I am so relieved that she knows I’m not a monster. That she knows I didn’t hurt her. I would never hurt her.
“I love you, Ryan.”
“I love you too, Kim.” I say softly as I push her hair behind her ears. I glance over her shoulder when I see movement towards the door. Landon holds the door open as Ness steps out of the building. She turns to me just outside the door and she looks completely broken. Her eyes say so much. “I understand. Take care of her. I have to go. I love you.” Then, she’s gone.
I swallow hard and watch her as she walks
out of my life. I almost run after her but I know why she’s leaving. She thinks I’m in love with Kim. I’m not but I know Kim loves me and she needs me. I need to take care of her.
“Let’s go home.” I whisper in Kim’s ear.
Kim hasn’t talked to her parents since she left for college. She attends on scholarships and lives off a small inheritance from her grandmother and the small amount she makes from working at Perky’s. Her friend Kayla’s parents help her out as well. Instead of contacting anyone or going anywhere in public, we drive to my apartment. I don’t want to be seen until my name is cleared on the news.
I feel like I’m in a fog. I can’t think clearly. This all just seems like a dream. A nightmare. I can’t stop thinking about Ness but I need time to work things out with Kim. She needs me and I owe her. We’ve had each other’s backs for 6 years. I can’t leave her now. She’s alone and she needs me and I need her.
We walk into my apartment and stop just inside the door. I haven’t been here in over a month. Thankfully my rent is paid three months ahead. My mailbox is probably overflowing. There is still half of a diet coke on the kitchen counter. It’s cold in here. I immediately adjust the thermostat and hand Kim a jacket to put on. My apartment is wide open. My king bed covered in gun-metal colored sheets sits in the far right hand corner. The entire back wall is glass. I’m on the third floor and can see a bit of mountain views through the evergreens outside the window. The kitchen area is to the left. Not much to it. In the middle of the room is one big brown leather couch facing a small TV sitting on a coffee table with a mess of controllers and video games scattered on top.
I open the small refrigerator and offer Kim a water. We both plop down on the couch and lift our feet to the coffee table. There is an uncomfortable silence so I turn to face her.
“Kim? You okay?”
“I’m okay. Just really tired. It’s all been a bit overwhelming. I’m sure you’re exhausted too.”
“Yeah, I am. Why don’t you go lay down and rest for a while and we’ll talk later?” I point to my bed with the water bottle in my hand.
“Will you lay with me?” She asks shyly.
“Of course.” I put my water bottle down and take her hands to help her to her feet. We walk over to the bed and lay side by side facing each other. I push the hair off her face as she stares into my eyes. “Thank you Kim. Thank you for clearing my name. I owe you.”
“You don’t owe me Ryan. You were innocent. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance to talk to me. I was hysterical and I was just so confused.”
“Now that I know about my brother, I can’t even imagine what you were thinking. I would never hurt you Kim. I hope you know that now.”
“I do. I know.” She moves forward and hesitantly places her warm lips on mine. I immediately pull back without even thinking.
“Ryan? That night. Did you regret having sex with me?”
“Don’t.” I whisper. I can’t answer that. I love her but not like that. I had confusing feelings for her that night. We’d been sleeping in my bed together most nights for the last year but never touching. She’s a beautiful girl and I’m a guy. That night, it just happened. It felt right at the time. Like it was a natural progression in our relationship, but afterwards, it didn’t feel right to me. She definitely wasn’t a quick lay like I was used to. It was different. There were definitely feelings involved, but it wasn’t anything like I felt with Ness either. Kim is my best friend. I need her as my best friend but I don’t regret that night we shared.
“I need to know. It’s a fair question.” She urges me to answer her question.
“I don’t regret it.”
“Ryan, I need you. Please.”
I can’t feel what she needs me to feel for her. I don’t love her like that. I love Ness. I back away and close my eyes. I can’t even look at her. I don’t want to hurt her. I hear her breathe out a frustrated sigh.
“Ryan. What happened with Vanessa?”
I open my eyes and just hold her gaze. I don’t know how to answer that either. What happened with Vanessa? She crashed into my life and stole my heart. I’m not whole without her. It hurts.
“You love her?”
I don’t even answer her. I can’t find the words.
“Ryan, it’s okay. She loves you too.”
“What do you mean? Did she tell you that?”
“No. She said you were just friends. She was lying. I could see it in her eyes and the way she begged me to help her save you, I could tell you meant something more to her.”
“I want to be here for you Kim. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know. I’m glad you’re here. I don’t want to lose you Ryan. I’ll take you anyway I can have you. Even if it’s just friends.” She hugs me to her and we both squeeze each other tight. “You need to go after her.” She says pulling away.
“I can’t. She’s going home. She needs to be with her family. I’m not even sure what we had was real. She needs time. I do to. I have to take care of things here. She needs to figure out her future.”
“What if you’re her future?”
Just then, there is a knock at the door. We look at each other and my heart rate begins to beat faster and faster as I walk to the door. I swing it open before it beats right out of my chest and then disappointment fills me as I see Landon standing there.
“Hey man.” He grabs my hand and gives it a quick shake and then pats my back as he walks past me. Landon is a good guy. He was crazy like me for a while but he’s a trustworthy guy with a heart of stone.
He sees Kim laying in my bed and I can’t even describe the expression on his face. Disappointment? He looks uncomfortable, like he thinks he interrupted us being intimate.
“Landon, did you need something?” I say, breaking him away from his thoughts.
“I….um…can I talk to you? In private?”
I look over at Kim and back to Landon. “What’s it about?”
“Vanessa.” He says quietly, glancing over at Kim.
“Go ahead, shoot. Kim knows about us.”
He looks surprised and takes a minute to gather his thoughts, smoothing his goatee with his thumb. “Um, I think I fucked up, man.” He looks nervously between me and Kim.
“Spit it out Landon!”
“Listen man, I don’t know what’s going on between you and Kim or what happened between you and Vanessa but she loves you man. Vanessa. Vanessa loves you. I told her to stay out of your shit with Kim. I didn’t want Kim hurt but fuck, Vanessa is torn up man and I thought you should know.”
Kim walks over to me with her arms across her chest. “Ryan! I know you don’t want to hurt me and you think you owe me but you can’t let her go. You’re still my best friend and you deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy.”
I scrub my face up and down with my hands. Shit. I fucked up. Ness needed me just as much as Kim and I let her down.
“Landon, do you know how I can reach her? Did she say where she’s going?”
“It just so happens, I drove her to the Holiday Inn where her parents were staying. They’re not leaving until tomorrow. That’s why I came man! Come on, I’ll take you.”
My fucking car is still with the police. “Kim?”
“Go! Go Ryan!”
I grab my jacket and we head out to the Holiday Inn. Unfortunately, I’m too fucking late. They checked out an hour ago. I beg the front desk lady to give me a phone number but she was a bitch. I have no phone number, no address and she is now going to be two and half hours too far away from me.
“Is she on Facebook?” Landon asks as we walk back to his car.
“I don’t know.”
“It’s time to Facebook stalk!” We sit in his car and I pull out my phone that I finally can use again. I do a search on Vanessa Cartright. About 53 of them come up. A lot without photos. Some have photos of dogs. Some accounts are private and some aren’t. It takes me about an hour to narrow down the possible Vanessa’s. I send three Vanessa Cartw
rights’ friend requests and I send them each a message to please contact me if they still love me and I leave my cell number. Pretty bold but I’m desperate. I don’t know how often she checks her Facebook or if she’s even one of the three.
***
It’s been six days since Vanessa left and I am now friends with three Vanessa Cartwrights, but none of them love me. I have no idea how to find her. In the meantime, Kim and I are doing the friend thing and she’s been great. We had a long talk about our feelings for each other and she admitted she doesn’t know if the feelings she has for me is actually love. She told me that what she sees between Vanessa and me is so much more than she could ever offer me and that I can’t give up looking for her. She wants me to be happy. She doesn’t sleep over any more. In fact, last night she stayed with Landon. He had confessed to me that he’s had feelings for her for years and he explained his intentions the night of the party when I met her and pulled her away from him. I encouraged him to talk to her so he did. She accepted his apology and they’ve been taking things very slow. He is taking care of her and she is letting him. The three of us hang together like old times. There doesn’t seem to be any awkwardness.
