by J. S. Cooper
“I waited patiently every morning, sometimes Noah would come out and join me and bring his little rubber duck.”
“Rubber duck?”
“It was a yellow plastic duck that my mother had bought for us. We both hated having baths and so she made it into this game. We would get to swim with the duck if we had a bath.”
“Oh.” She smiled at me gently. “Smart lady.”
“Noah loved that duck.” I laughed. “He kept it all these years. I used to wonder why. Now I suppose it’s because he wanted to keep it to show her when she came back. Wanted to show he never forgot her.”
“I’m sorry.” Lucky’s eyes were filled with tears and I squeezed her hands.
“It’s not your fault.” I shook my head. “We must have waited at the top of the stairs for months, and then one morning, my dad came out and saw us, and he just went crazy.”
“Oh no.” A tear slid from her eye and I reached over and kissed it.
“Don’t cry for me, my love.” My heart surged with love for this woman who was broken by my story.
“I just feel so bad for you and Noah.” She bit her lip and for a moment, all I could think about was the pinkness of her lips and their taste.
“We never went back to the landing again after that. It was as if all hope was gone that she was ever going to come back.”
“But you were so young.”
“It may seem cruel, but my dad did us a favor. Who knows how long we would have been holding out hope.” I sighed. “And for what? She never came back.”
“She still loves you, Zane; she’s your mom.” Lucky looked at me in earnest and I kept my thoughts to myself. “The maternal instinct never dies. She’s probably somewhere wishing she knew where you were.”
“I doubt it.”
“I bet she is, who knows what your father said, Zane?” She paused. “Maybe he blackmailed her or drove her away or did something to her.”
“You watch too many movies.”
“Will I meet your dad, by the way?”
“One day.” I sighed. I didn’t really want Lucky to meet my dad. I didn’t want her to be caught up in his charm. He wasn’t a good guy, but he knew how to fool a lot of people. I didn’t want Lucky to be one of the people he fooled. Not my Lucky.
“Do you remember when you told me you didn’t believe in love?” Lucky looked at me seriously. “And that you weren’t looking for a serious relationship?”
“Yes.” I kept my voice low, but I was scared where she was taking the conversation.
“Do you ever still feel that way?” Her eyes were questioning and I tried to ignore the nerves and panic in my stomach.
“No,” I lied, not wanting her to know that every day I questioned if being with her and loving her was the right thing to do.
“So I changed your mind, just like that?”
“Yes.” I sighed and avoided her piercing gaze. “No. Do we have to talk about this?”
“No to what?” Her voice was sharp and I could hear the distress in it.
“My natural reaction is to rebel from love, Lucky,” I sighed. Sometimes I don’t know if I can handle loving someone. Loving you. I don’t know if I can live my life with this burden and this worry constantly encroaching on my heart.”
“Do you want to be in a relationship with me?” Lucky continued, and I sighed.
“I can’t keep having this conversation.” I looked up at the ceiling for a moment. “I’m here, we’re here. We’re making it work. I’m trying to make this work. To give you what you want.”
“You’re the one that wanted to be my last boyfriend.”
“Because I know that’s what you need. I don’t need labels.”
“I thought you loved me.”
“Of course I love you,” I retorted angrily. I didn’t understand how Lucky couldn’t see that. “How many times do I have to tell you?”
“I want to hear you say it and know that you mean it.” Her voice cracked. “I worry sometimes that …”
“Lucky, I love you. I don’t know love like you do. I’ve never really felt it much before. But I know that what I feel for you is deep and strong and I can’t guarantee you a forever relationship, or a forever love, but what I feel now is deep and strong.”
“I see.” She closed her eyes and yawned. “I’m feeling tired.” I watched her face and I wanted to shake her for cutting me out. I didn’t understand how a conversation about my mother turned into a conversation about me loving her. What did I have to do to show her that she was the one I wanted to be with?
“You’re mad at me?” I sighed, frustrated and aware that I hadn’t given her the answer that she wanted. She opened her eyes slowly and smiled weakly at me.
“I’m not mad. This is just harder than I thought it would be.”
“Oh?”
“I thought when you told me you loved me, it would be all roses and cupcakes from that point on, but it’s not.” She laughed to herself. “I guess that’s not how life works.”
“I’m trying.” I pursed my lips. “Please just give me a chance.”
Lucky sat up and I stared at her breasts, unable to stop myself from licking my lips. I felt a yearning in my loins as I stared at her naked body. How I loved her body. I groaned as she pulled the sheet up to cover herself and she shook her head at me with a smile. “Zane, listen to me carefully. I’m not going to leave you. I love you. I want you. I need you. We’ll get through this. We’ll make it work. It’s just not the fairytale I thought it was going to be.”
My heart hurt at her words. I wanted to be her Prince Charming. I wanted to be the one to sweep her off her feet into the sunset and live happily ever after. I just didn’t think I was ever that man. I was the Huntsman, not the Prince. I don’t think I was ever going to be the Prince. “You deserve the fairytale.”
“I don’t need the fairytale.”
“I want you to have the fairytale.”
“Well, you’re my Grumpy so I guess I do.” She laughed.
“Funny.” I leaned forward and kissed her. “Who knew I was dating such a funny girl?”
“Do you ever want to find out what happened to your mom?” Lucky looked at me with a thoughtful look.
“Not really.” I shook my head. “What’s the point?”
“To reconnect?”
“Reconnect? I don’t know if we ever had a real connection in the first place.”
“Does she know about Noah?”
“I don’t know.” My throat constricted and I took a deep breath. “My heart hurts, Lucky. I don’t know if this pain will ever go away.”
“Can I see a photo of him?” she asked softly. I jumped out of the bed and walked to my wardrobe. I opened it up and took out a box. I walked back to the bed and opened the box and took out a framed photograph of Noah and me when he graduated from college.
“He was really handsome.” Lucky studied the photo and smiled at me. “He looked happy.”
“He was happy,” I sighed. “Ironic, right? He was one of the happiest guys I knew.”
“I guess he hid his pain?”
“Yeah. He did try and talk about finding Mom, but I always blew him off. I didn’t want to know.” I sighed and looked at the wall, remembering the last conversation Noah and I had about Mom. He’d tried to convince me that we should try and find her so we could learn about our family’s medical background on her side. But I’d dismissed his concerns and changed the subject. He didn’t hold the same bitterness towards her that I did. I hated her. Every time I thought of her playing with us and laughing, it made me want to punch the wall. She had fucked me up emotionally. She had fucked me up so badly that I never wanted to give my whole heart. I never wanted to feel that pain and rejection again.
I loved Lucky, but there was still a part of me that didn’t want to fully give in to her. I didn’t want her to have my whole heart because if she left me, I would be crushed. I wouldn’t be able to go on. When I thought of Noah and Angelique and how she had crushed him, I wanted to bre
ak someone. I lost my brother because he gave his whole heart to someone. I wasn’t going to let that happen to me. I couldn’t let it happen to me. I was scared that Lucky would see the real me. The dark me. The me who was consumed by revenge on Braydon. The me who couldn’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time because memories consumed my thoughts, even in my dreams.
“We could try and find her,” Lucky continued and bit her lip. “It may give you closure.”
“I don’t want to talk about her.” I pulled Lucky towards me. “Tell me a memory you have of your parents, something happy.”
“Are you sure?” She looked at me uncertainly.
“Yes. I need to know that there are happy families out there.”
“We were really happy when I was growing up.” Lucky’s eyes glazed over. “The last few years it was hard because my dad lost his job for a bit and they nearly lost the house, but growing up, I had the perfect childhood.” She smiled. “I remember one Christmas, I woke up really early and I ran downstairs to the tree to look for my presents, and I was so disappointed because there were no presents there. And I just stood there crying.”
“How old were you?” I frowned, not wanting to think of her as unhappy at any point.
“I was eight.” She laughed. “All I wanted was a Barbie house, and a Barbie car, and a Ken Doll, and three more Barbies.”
“I take it you were into Barbies?” I grinned.
“Yes.” She smiled at me widely. “I cried so much that I made myself tired again and fell asleep next to the tree. I woke up a few hours later and my parents were sitting there on the couch drinking hot chocolate and feeding each other toast and laughing with each other.” She paused. “And I just laid there staring at them, marveling at the love they had for each other. And my dad kept sneaking kisses and my mom pretended to push him away, but she kept grinning. And then I got up, and my dad and mom rushed off the couch. They picked me up and gave me a big hug and a kiss, and we all sang a Christmas carol. I think it was ‘Hark the Herald Angels Sing.’” She laughed. “And then I looked towards the tree, and what do you know? There were four huge boxes waiting for me.”
“How had you missed them?” I looked at her in surprise.
“My dad had fallen asleep before putting them under the tree.” She laughed. “He was going to wake up early and put them there in the morning. Only thing was, I woke up earlier than him.”
“Oh.” I laughed. “So you got all your Barbie stuff?”
“Actually, no.” She giggled. “I got a desk. And some remote control cars and a bunch of books.”
“Remote control cars?” I looked at her puzzled.
“My dad wanted to race them with me.” She laughed. “It was totally a gift for himself. My mom was so mad and then they argued over whether Barbie gave young girls low self-esteem.”
“Oh, that’s funny.” I looked at the light of happiness in her eyes and I smiled, happy that she was happy. “You really loved them a lot, didn’t you?”
“Yes.” She nodded. “They were the perfect parents.”
“Do you think we’d make good parents?” I kept my tone deliberately light, not wanting her to see how panicked I felt when I thought about being a dad.
“I think so.” She nodded and I saw her swallow. Her eyes looked slightly distressed and she looked away from me for a second.
“You’re worried as well, aren’t you?” I felt relief rushing through me. It wasn’t just me that was feeling this way.
“What if I never get to graduate?” she gulped out. “I wanted to get a PhD. How’s that going to happen?”
“You want to get a PhD?” I frowned. “I didn’t know that.”
“Well, one day.” She smiled. “I need to get my Bachelor’s degree first.”
“You’ll get it soon.” My mind raced as I thought about her leaving me to go back to Miami to finish her degree. I didn’t want her to go. I’d have to plan my schedule around living in Miami for six months to a year.
“I hope so. It’ll be hard with a baby.” Her voice was soft. “So yeah, I’m a little scared.”
“I’ll help and we can get a nanny if you want.”
“I don’t want a nanny.” Her voice rose. “I want to take care of my baby by myself.”
“Hopefully I can help.” I grinned.
“Oh, yes, sorry.” She yawned. “Sorry, I really am tired now.”
“That’s okay. So am I.” I pulled her towards me and wrapped my arms around her waist. “Let’s sleep. We have plenty of time to address our concerns in the morning.”
“You mean in a few hours?” She wiggled her ass against me and I groaned as I felt myself rising.
“Continue doing that and there will be no more sleep to be had.” I growled into her ear and fondled her breasts. They felt soft against my hand and all I wanted was to hear her screaming out my name as I pleasured her. I adjusted myself between my legs and was about to make my thoughts a reality when she giggled and pushed me back slightly.
“Go to sleep, Zane.” Her words were sleepy and I kissed her shoulder, while mentally telling myself to come back to earth. That was the problem with being a man. My mind was constantly thinking about sex. I couldn’t look at Lucky without thinking of making her come or taking her. I grinned to myself as I thought of our dining room sex. Maybe if I played my cards right, it could be kitchen sex tomorrow and then pool sex. Lucky didn’t know it, but I had a thing for public sex; not that I was a pervert, I didn’t want anyone to see, but there was a thrill in the possibility. I yawned and smiled at my thoughts as I closed my eyes. I had a feeling the dreams I was about to dream would have nothing to do with my mother or Noah.
***
“Wakey wakey, darling.” Lucky was standing over me with a plate in her hand. I yawned as I sat up and looked out the window in surprise. The sun was shining brightly, and I looked at my watch. It was 11 a.m. I never slept this late.
“Morning.” I smiled at her lazily, taking in her disheveled appearance. She was wearing my shirt and she looked sexy as hell with half the buttons open. I tried to be casual and stared down her shirt, trying to catch a glimpse of her naked breasts. Her hair hung across her shoulders in big curls, and the top of her head was a frizzy mess. She looked at me with a huge smile and her makeup-free face radiated pure love. This was a look I would never get tired of seeing. I was so used to dating women who had on a full face of makeup when I woke up. There was something so unnatural in waking up to a woman with perfect hair and makeup and minty fresh breath.
“Are you hungry?” She nodded to the plate in her hands and I laughed.
I was hungry all right, but I didn’t think she was talking about the same thing I was. There was something to be said about dating a woman who was a bit innocent, well innocent compared to the women I usually dated. Most of the time, I woke up to a woman riding me or giving me a blow job, not serving me breakfast in bed.
“Very, thanks.” I took the plate from her and my stomach grumbled at the sight of bacon, eggs, and toast. I guess I really was hungry. “Do you want some?” I mumbled between mouthfuls.
She laughed and sat next to me on the bed. “I had some cereal already.”
She stared at me and I tried not to watch as my shirt rose up her legs. Was she wearing panties under the shirt? My mind was once again off of the food in front of me and on her. I shook my head mentally and smiled to myself. Lucky would kill me if she knew I was thinking about the state of her underwear as opposed to the food on the plate.
“This is delicious.” I finished the last of the toast and licked my lips.
“I don’t burn everything.” She smiled, looking at my empty plate in satisfaction. “Did you sleep well?”
“Magnificently,” I said truthfully. “Can you pass me my phone, please?”
“Sure.” She grabbed my phone from the side table and passed it to me.
“I’m going to call the doctor.”
“Oh?”
“To see if we’re going
to be parents.” My heart skipped a beat as I realized just how real a possibility this was.
“We can just take a test.”
“I want us to be sure.” I dialed the numbers on the phone and waited for it to ring. “Hi, can I make an appointment for my girlfriend? We want to do a pregnancy test.” I spoke as soon as the receptionist answered.
“There are no appointments available today, sir.”
“I see,” I sighed. “When’s the next available? I’ll pay any price.”
“We have one the day after tomorrow at 9 a.m.”
“We’ll take it.”
“And your name is?”
“It’s for Zane and Lucky Beaumont.” I spoke without thinking and I looked up to see Lucky staring at me in amusement. “We’ll see you in a few days.” I hung up and pulled Lucky towards me. “We’ll know in a few days.”
“Yes, Mr. Beaumont.” She winked at me and I realized what I had said. I had called Lucky my wife—well, had given her my last name.
“Sorry about that.” Don’t get any ideas, I thought to myself hurriedly. I wasn’t sure how panicked I would feel if Lucky started pushing for marriage.
“No worries.” She smiled and gazed up at me. “Try not to look like you just struck a deer though.” She laughed and I kissed her hard.
“All I want to do is make love to you.” I reached into the shirt and started to undo the buttons.
“Uh uh.” She shook her head. “Let’s go and see the Johnsons today.”
“Can’t we go after a quickie?” I winked at her.
“No.” She laughed and jumped off of the bed.
“You’re so mean to me.” I laughed and watched her walk towards the door. “I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you walk away, baby,” I called out in an Italian accent.
“You’re so cheesy, Zane.” She paused at the door and grinned at me. “Now hurry.”
***
I looked at the text messages and missed calls on my phone and quickly put it in my pocket before Lucky saw the screen. I thought back to our earlier conversation and how Lucky wanted me to share everything with her, but I knew that there were certain things I couldn’t share with her. Not if I wanted to keep her in my life. I wasn’t sure she would understand just how complicated everything was. How complicated I was. I knocked on the door and smiled when Mr. Johnson opened the door.
