"Don't you have to be in heart failure to be on it?"
"You're are in congestive heart failure, Charlie. It's not so much of an if something else happens, its going to be when it happens."
"It was that bad this time?"
"Your valve ruptured, the walls of your heart are very thick and it is not pumping well even with the mechanical valves. You had a tear and we had to go back in to stop the bleeding. I just want you to be prepared that it may get a lot worse before it gets better."
"So I'm not going to be okay after I heal?"
"I don't know how to explain this without scaring you. You're going to heal from this surgery and you'll be fine. You may not be able to swim as hard and fast as you did, but you'll still be able to. You will probably get winded faster than before and you will probably get tired more quickly."
"Okay, so whats the problem with that?"
"That will change. As more stress is put on your heart, it will start to shut down again and you'll be put back in here. I'm not saying it'll be in a month or even six. But my guess is within the next year."
"Oh."
Charlie's head was in a tailspin and she was glad no one else was there. She needed to process everything he'd just told her.
"I know it's a lot to process and you can call me anytime, any hour to talk about it, you know my cell number."
"Yeah."
"Are you all right? Do you have any questions?"
"I'm sure I will. I'll call when I do."
"Okay, I'll stop in to check on you tomorrow sometime."
"Thanks doc."
He patted her leg, and walked over to Bernice. He stopped and whispered in her ear before he left. She gave Charlie a sympathetic smile and walked over to her bed. She pulled a chair right next to the head of the bed and Charlie felt almost numb inside.
"Talk to me, baby doll, what's going on inside that pretty little head of yours?"
"I dunno."
"He just dropped a major bomb on you, honey. That is a lot to take in and process, especially at your age."
"It just changes a lot I guess."
"What does it change?"
Charlie sighed she laid her head back and closed her eyes. Hot tears streamed down her face and she heard a phone ring.
"This is Bernice...I'm in 204 — not at the moment, I'm going to be a while— no I'm busy, send Tasha to do it. kay bye."
Charlie felt her brush her tears away. She opened her eyes and turned her head toward her.
"Go take care of whatever they called you for, I'm fine."
"Child, you are so far from fine it 'aint even funny and I'm not leaving this room until I know you are okay."
Charlie loved her for that. She needed someone that wasn't her family to help her process and figure things out. It wasn't so much that she'd need a transplant one day, it was did she want to put Sam through it. She already had to sit by and watch her family suffer right along with her. She thought it was harder to watch them suffer then to go through it herself.
"Talk to me."
"I just don't want my family to have to go through all of this anymore."
"Honey, they don't want to see you go through this, they're not worried about themselves."
"I know, I just feel selfish."
"Why on God's green earth would you feel selfish?"
"I don't know. I hate seeing the looks on their faces every time I get sick. Every surgery and close call I've had, ages them. I don't want to bring anyone else into that kind of pain. I feel like a huge burden."
"Who? Are you talking about someone specific?"
Charlie didn't want to get into detail about Sam, and she really didn't want to hear her try to talk her out of what she knew she needed to do.
"No, I just meant in general. I'll figure it out, I always do." Bernice must have picked up on the fact Charlie wasn't going to give anything away and was done talking about it.
"Well, I'll give you some space, but you need to know that you are worth the worry that your loved ones go through. Don't ever think you aren't."
With that she patted Charlie's hand and then left the room.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
It had been a long, painful week since she'd been home and Charlie did her best to make it through it without breaking. Sam was on his way over and anxiety was taking over every inch of her.
The hallway to her room was loud and his footsteps echoed as he walked into her room.
"Hey, babe. How you feelin?" Sam leaned down and kissed her, but she didn't return it. Confused, he pulled back and sat down on the couch across from her. "What's going on? Everything okay?"
She swallowed hard. "I can't do this anymore." Her pulse thrummed in her ears and she fought to keep her face passive.
"You can't do what anymore?" His brows pulled together.
"I can't be with you." She looked down at her hands.
"What? Where is this coming from? Is this why you've been avoiding me coming to see you all week?"
"Don't make me do something I don't want to do."
With hurt in his eyes, he sat forward. "Charlie, I've never wanted you to do anything you haven't wanted to."
It was killing her to watch the pain she was causing him, but he deserved more, and that's why she had to end it. She took a deep breath. "I don't do love. I'm better off alone. I don't want this, any of it."
Sam walked around the back of the couch and grabbed the edge of it. "I almost lost you once, I can't lose you again. I know you're going through a lot right now. This can't be what you want."
"This isn't about you. This is about me and my life. And I don't want you in it." She bit the inside of her cheek to keep her lip from quivering.
"I don't buy what you're trying to sell, Charlie. There's no way you just woke up today and decided you don't want to be with me. I know you love me and you can't say that you don't."
Pushing her tongue to the roof of her mouth, she paused. "I don't love you, Sam. I'm incapable of love and I don't want this, so stop trying to force it on me."
A piece of her died with every lie. She swallowed hard and locked her jaw to keep the tears at bay. He deserved a chance at a normal life. Pushing him away was what was best for him. There was a chance she wouldn't even live long enough to get a transplant and she wasn't going to put him through it. Sam's eyes were full of anguish. He just looked devastated.
"Well, I guess there's not much more to say." He shook his head and walked out of her room without saying another word.
She heard Joe say something to Sam downstairs, then the front door slammed and Sam's Jeep sped off down the street. Charlie couldn't hold back anymore and sobbed so hard it hurt her chest. The tears wouldn't stop. They rocked her so hard she dry heaved. Joe walked into her room and rushed to her side when he saw her.
"Charles, what happened?"
She just shook her head. It was done. She did what she had to do to protect Sam, even if he didn't know it. Joe sat with her until she cried herself to sleep in his arms.
♥♥♥♥♥
It'd been a long, hard six weeks of recovery for Charlie as she pulled Sam's shirt slowly over her head and sat on the edge of her bed.
Callie walked into her room on a mission. "Come on, babe, your rehab starts in an hour and we have to get across town."
"I'm so sick of cardiac rehab. I know how to do all of this shit already. Why can't I just do it myself?" she groaned, as she pushed herself off the bed.
"Because, we all know exactly what you'd do. You'd jump in that dumb pool and your body is nowhere near ready for that yet. Now stop stalling and let's go."
"Oh yeah, five pound dumb bells, a stationary bike and a treadmill are so much better." She rolled her eyes.
"Look, I know this isn't any fun for you. I don't pretend to understand what you're going through, but this hasn't exactly been a picnic for me either. So please, stop fighting me every time we have to go, because it's exhausting."
Charlie noticed for the first time
how down worn down Callie looked and she felt like an asshole for giving her a hard time. She nodded and headed downstairs without another word.
By the time they got home from her appointment, Sarah was in her room with her assignments for the week.
"Hey dork, how was your day?" Charlie asked, as she sat down on the couch.
"Boring, as hell. The best part is always coming here and going over everything with you." Sarah smiled.
"I still can't believe that's how you want to spend your time. You do know you don't owe me a damn thing, right? I mean, we hung out once before I flopped and you've been nothing but loyal to me."
Sarah shrugged. "Well, the way I look at it. If Jules is all you have to keep you sane. You'd be in big trouble."
They both laughed.
"What about me?" Jules asked, as he walked in and plopped down next to Sarah.
"Oh, just that you're an ass," Sarah quipped.
Ever since her surgery, Sarah and Jules had become close and Charlie was glad. Sarah was a good person and Jules brought out her feisty side.
"So, what are the rumor mills saying today?" Charlie asked.
"Well, there's the always famous you overdosed in class and you're in drug rehab. And the other one was you tried to commit suicide and overdosed. So, you were in some psychiatric ward for a few weeks and now you're in rehab."
Charlie shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Why does anyone even care? I was only there for three days. So, who keeps starting all of these things?"
Jules and Sarah looked at each other and then back at her. "CiCi."
♥♥♥♥♥
Eight weeks were full of Doctor appointments, rehab and catching up on her school work. Sam hadn't called or texted her since the breakup and part of her regretted every second of it. Deep down she had to remind herself pushing him away was the best way. It was what was best for him, no matter how much hurt it caused her.
Sarah bounced into Charlie's room and brought her back to reality.
"So are you super excited about tomorrow?" she asked, as she plopped down on the couch next to Charlie. Her chest was still sore at times and the movement shot pain through her.
"Ow, jerk."
"Oh, my God. I am so sorry, did I hurt you?"
"Kinda, but I'm all right."
"Stop bitching then. Are you excited?"
"I don't know, I guess. I don't have a feeling either way. It'll be nice to get out of this stupid house and away from my warden." Charlie shrugged.
"Callie?"
"Yeah, I love her, but I'm not used to this much supervision, and she's smothering me."
Sarah laughed. "Its cause she loves you, deal with it. Anyway, I already cleared it with your dad and your warden... I'm allowed to jail break you today. Since tomorrow is your big day back at school. Do you want to go to the coffee shop and have tea in a paper cup and grab some grub?"
"You know what, we should sit outside too. Fresh air sounds uh-mazing."
"I can't believe how peppy you are. I think cabin fever has made you delusional." Sarah laughed.
Charlie shook her head. "I know, I think I'm scaring myself. Let me go get dressed and we can go." She got off the couch and walked over to her closet.
"Now I know you bitches weren't thinking about leaving without me." she heard Jules say.
"Who do you think you're calling bitches, dickweed?" Sarah snapped, and put her hands on her hips.
Jules laughed and pulled Sarah into a hug as Charlie finished getting dressed.
"Sarah, you scare me," Charlie said, even though she loved that Sarah had called him out.
"She's turned into a mini version of you. Oh God there are two of you now... Lord help me."
Both girls laughed and pulled Jules into a hug between them. Charlie felt blessed to have two friends that were as loyal and genuine as those two.
"I'm pretty sure she was always this awesome. It just took her hanging out with us to realize it," Charlie poked Sarah in the ribs with her elbow.
"So, where are we going to eat? I'm starved." Jules asked, as they headed down to the car.
"Let's just go to the coffee shop. I really just want to sit outside." Charlie said, as she walked to the driver door of her truck.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Sarah asked.
"Exactly what it looks like." She stared her down.
"You're not driving, so forget about it," Jules chimed in.
"You know, it's perfectly okay when we gang up against him. But you guys aren't allowed to veto me. This is bullshit," Charlie huffed.
"Oh shut up and get in the car." Sarah said, as she walked back to her car.
As soon as they pulled into the lot she spotted Sam's Jeep and her stomach fell. They didn't seem to notice his Jeep because neither of them said anything. Charlie's eyes immediately darted to his usual table but he wasn't at it, thank god. Jules and Sarah told her that he'd been in a bad mood in class for a while but she never told them the real reason she'd broke up with him. They went inside and ordered their drinks and once they were ready Sarah turned to Charlie.
"You still want to sit outside right?"
"Yeah, I'm tired of being cooped up."
They followed Sarah to an empty table and sat down. Someone's stuff was at the table next to them but no one was there. Her heart fluttered and her stomach fell when she recognized his bag. Movement caught her attention out of the corner of her eye when he walked past them and sat down. Sam didn't look in their direction and she wondered if it was intentional or he just didn't see them. She diverted her eyes and tried to look impartial even though her heart was beating so hard in her chest she thought it was going to explode. Sarah had no idea what she was doing when she saw Sam sitting at the next table and turned to him.
"Hey, Mr. Greyson. Fancy meeting you here."
Sam looked up and as soon as his eyes locked with Charlie's his face fell. He tore his glance away from her and looked at Sarah.
"Hey," was all he said as he packed up all of his stuff, shoved it in his bag, and left without another word. Charlie knew he was hurt and obviously still upset with her.
"That was rude," Sarah huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Yeah, what the hell is his problem? You'd think he'd understand you needed time." Jules mouth pulled into a pinched line.
Charlie took a sip of her tea and knew she had to give them some sort of answer. She could feel their stares burning a hole in her head and let out a sigh before she spoke.
"I didn't tell him I needed time."
"What? I thought you just called it off for a while?" Jules asked.
"I don't really want to talk about it."
Jules shifted his weight in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "Horseshit, that deserves an explanation."
"Drop it, Julian," Charlie snapped, as she shoved her chair back and walked away. She walked out to where they parked and sat on the trunk of Sarah's car. She thought she could try to explain but it was too hard to talk about and she didn't want to hear their opinions on the choice she made.
They knew nothing about what her doctor had told her and she wasn't ready to bring it up. Jules didn't need to know everything and sometimes he just needed to stay out of her business. Her relationship with Sam was definitely one of those times.
♥♥♥♥♥
Charlie stood in front of her locker and realized she'd missed the stupid thing. It wasn't like it was the first time she'd almost kicked the bucket. As a kid, she chased that damn bucket as she kicked it down a hill. The new sentimental side of her needed to move on because she didn't want it. She decided it was time to put sentiment on lock down because there was no room for it in her life anymore.
Sarah grabbed Charlie in the hall before fourth hour."Hey, you gonna be okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" It was obvious she was talking about Sam's class, but she wasn't sure what exactly she was referring to.
"Well, the last time you were in here, you know, it ha
ppened. And not to mention the other thing, you know, yesterday."
She appreciated Sarah trying to be discreet because of everyone in the hall.
"It's okay, I'll be fine."
She knew she was going to have to have a conversation with Sarah about everything. There was only so long she was going to let it go and Charlie really needed to know what Sarah knew, or thought she knew for that matter. Sarah would never say anything to anyone, but the talk still needed to happen.
They walked into Sam's class just as the second bell rang.
"You're late," he said, with an icy glare.
Well this day is going to be fanfreakingtastic... House arrest and sponge baths weren't looking so bad after all. Jules wasn't in class and she wondered where he was. They both took their seats and she thought about texting him to see if he was okay, but figured her phone would be confiscated.
Something had changed in Sam, the way he moved and spoke, it was almost rigid. The fact she was the cause of the change in him killed her. He didn't glance in her direction at all, it was like he avoided her general direction at all costs.
"Today, we are going to start with your originals. You can choose what you would like to write. Poetry, short stories, whatever you want to write about. Write about your life experiences, or make it up completely. I will give you the week to finish. Friday we will start sharing with the class."
He turned to write on the dry erase board.
"That should be easy for some students in here. She can write about addiction and overdose," the girl in front of Charlie announced.
All of the girls around them giggled at the snotty remark. Charlie was sure that the bullshit would have started much earlier in the day but it took longer than she expected it to. Sarah must have heard what she'd said. She whipped around in her chair with a death stare.
Sarah stood like she was going to lay the smack down on that girl and her little laughing hyenas. Charlie didn't want her to get in trouble so she shook her head back and forth and mouthed the word no. Sam turned back around from the board as Sarah sat down and she looked livid.
Heartless Page 20
