I love you Bud, Dad
Charlie looked up at him after she finished reading his email and smiled at his still shocked expression.
"See, I told you he didn't care, I'm pretty sure we all have always known. Well everyone but you." Charlie sat down on his bed and criss crossed her legs.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing bad, I just always knew you really had no interest in girls and Courtney was a front. Plus when I saw you with Owen at the concert, it clicked for sure, you were so at ease with him."
"Oh God, am I that obvious?"
He looked like he was going to panic.
"No, just to those of us that really know you. I hope you do realize that your mom knows too."
"No she doesn't."
"Dude you need to give your mom a little more credit."
"No way, Mom," he yelled, and Callie walked in the room with a concerned etched on her face.
"Whats wrong?" she asked.
"Nothings wrong, we don't agree on something and you are the only one that can set it straight," Charlie said, matter of fact.
"Okay, what am I setting the record straight on?"
Jules glared at her.
"Jules doesn't think you know he's gay."
"CHARLIE, what the hell?"
Callie laughed and sat down on the bed.
"Why are you laughing? This isn't funny."
"Oh honey, I've always known. I am your mother, I think I knew long before you did."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"There wasn't anything to say. It doesn't matter to us. Your happiness is all we care about. Now pick up your dirty laundry off of your floor. I'm not your maid."
She walked over to him, kissed him on the top of the head and left the room. Charlie knew she had a smug grin on her face and it was about damn time all of this came out. Jules looked dumbfounded.
"You okay? Or did you die of shock?"
"I'm okay. I guess I feel relieved?"
"We all love you. Does this mean I get to tell gay jokes at your expense now?"
"Here we go."
He launched the dirty clothes that were on the floor next to him at her head. She laughed as they hit her square in the face. They both had so much on their shoulders, it was nice to just be carefree and laugh. Charlie was happy for Jules that he was finally free to start living the life he'd always wanted to live, but was too afraid to put himself out there for.
♥♥♥♥♥
Charlie and Sarah had been studying like crazy for final exams. Graduation was right around the corner and they were both over achievers. Jules and Sarah had applied to colleges at the beginning of the year. Charlie wasn't sure if she'd even live long enough to go, so she never gave it a second thought.
"So have you thought any more about applying?" Sarah asked.
"I don't know," Charlie said, as she flipped through the pages of her calculus book.
"What's not to know?"
"I don't think I'm cut out for it."
"How do you figure that? School is easy for you. You've missed so much and yet so are way ahead of everyone else. Just because you don't have to do anything with your life, doesn't mean that you shouldn't."
"No, it's not about the money. I want to use it do some good for kids like me. I just don't know what I want to do or how I'll do it."
"That's what college is for, to figure all of that out."
"It's not like I'm going to get in anywhere for the fall. It's too late for that."
"Maybe for a University, but you can take a few classes at the Community College and transfer in the spring. Or you can just apply for the spring."
"I have no extra curricular's, I've been to nineteen different schools, and I have a bad attitude. Nothing about me is going to stick out in a college essay."
"How can you be so smart and so dumb at the same time?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Charlie scowled at Sarah who mirrored her expression.
"You have been through more than ten people will go through in ten life times. Write about that, dummy."
"I don't cry about my health issues for pity. That's a part of my life I don't like to talk about."
"It happened to you, it's apart of you, it's not who you are. It has however helped define you as a person. You don't have to write it in a way that cries oh poor me, write it to show all that you have over come and how strong you are."
"I guess, I'm just not thrilled about putting myself out there like that to be rejected with things I like to keep close to the vest."
"I can help you with it if you want."
"I'll think about it."
Charlie bit her lip and thought about it, she was just supposed to write about how many times she'd almost bit the bullet for good. She didn't even like to think about it. Ignoring it was much better than facing it. Admission essays made you bare your soul, your inner most thoughts. So she'd have to open up in a way she'd only ever opened up to Sam. To who? A bunch of people who could never begin to understand the things she had faced. They were going to judge her by her life experiences, for what? To tell her if they think the things she had been through deemed her worthy of a college degree from their school? What made them qualified to judge anyone else anyway? It wasn't a good idea and she wasn't going to do it. Nothing good could come from it.
"Stop it," Sarah yelled as she slammed her book shut.
"Stop what?"
"I see you. You're over thinking it. I can see the wheels turning in your head."
Sarah was right, she needed to get out of her own head.
♥♥♥♥♥
After Sarah left later that night, she laid on her couch and faced a blank document open on her laptop. The cursor blinked at her while she tried to figure out what the hell she would even say and then her fingers just took over.
My name is Charlotte Evans and based on any real logic, I should not be alive. I don't have any extra curricular activities to dazzle you with. Or even any special achievements to list. The one thing I can tell you about, is my ability to stay alive against all odds. I wouldn't consider myself outgoing but I have learned how to adapt. Someone once told me that everyone needs a dream. I've never let myself dream, not even as a child. I think it was to protect myself. I want to help people like me. Damaged people, people that have built up walls to protect themselves from life. I just beat death again and I think I am ready to let myself dream. That dream starts with you and your school.
I am not a religious person nor do I believe in any kind of spirituality. Death keeps coming for me but I continue to evade it. It tried to take me as an infant, but it took my mother instead. She bled out on the table while I was rushed into emergency open heart surgery. For some untold reason, I survived and she didn't. Five years later one of my heart valves decided to spring a leak and I was drowning in my own blood.
Can you imagine being five and knowing you are going to die? And being okay with it? I wasn't scared. Not even a little. I think I knew then, that I would die young. Another emergency surgery and I survived. Two years after that, I made the choice to be a deep sea diver. If only that were the true story.
My best friend wanted to swim in the deep end but didn't know how. He jumped in and sank towards the bottom. Throwing all caution to the wind, I jumped in after him because I knew it wasn't his time to die. It was mine. I saved him, but I drowned that day. They said I was dead for four minutes before they were able to bring me back. Somehow again, I beat death. there is no logic to it. Later that year, another valve in my heart sprang a leak and down I went again. I've always had the inside joke that there is a Grimm Reaper assigned especially for me. Once again I beat death and gave Grimm the proverbial finger.
By the ripe old age of nine, I had become accustomed to my body giving up on me. The first valve they repaired was not cooperating and I was once again rushed into emergency surgery. This time I ended up with a mechanical valve. It took me a while to get used to hearing the valve working. The c
oncept of having a piece of machinery keeping you alive as a child would seem overwhelming. I remember asking my dad if that meant I was part transformer now. He told me yes, that I was now a talking robot with superpowers. My new superpowers are what kept me alive this time. I was sure of it.
I think Grimm must have had some kind of clock going on me, every two years he would strike again. He was right on time for my eleventh birthday. Did I fail to mention that he always comes for me on or around my birthday? We have dubbed it as the birthday curse, and for that reason I hate celebrating. You see its hard to celebrate your birth when death is constantly hunting you down. Grimm gives me enough time to get comfortable and push him from the forefront of my mind. Then he strikes. This time it was only a heart attack, but once again I beat him.
I don't like to talk about the things I have been through. I don't want pity, nor do I need it. A good friend of mine told me that all of this is a part of me, but it is not who I am. It has however, shaped who I am as a person. I have always lived my life day to day, never looking forward. I knew if I looked too far forward I would see Grimm, watching and waiting for me.
My dad is military so we moved around a lot. I have been to nineteen different schools over the years. I liked to think of it as staying one step ahead of my Reaper. He couldn't get me if he couldn't find me. I let myself believe in that fantasy for years and it seemed to work. I protected myself by staying guarded and building up walls. I didn't let myself make friends or put down any roots. It was easier that way because I knew eventually he would find me, and when he did I would die. I turned nineteen this past winter. He finally caught up with me again. He was able to take me for three minutes this time. The surgeon told me I coded on the operating table and they were about to call it when I came back. Hey Grimm, give up I can't die.
I had finally allowed myself to create new relationships. Make new friends and fell in love. I decided that I am not going to let him win. The last time he gave me a seven year window. This time it may only be two, but I am going to live. I am going to dream and find away to help other people like me. Right now, the word I would use to describe myself is damaged. I have lived the last nineteen years pushing everyone and everything away. I'm ready to use the time that I have and I would like your school to be apart of this journey. Help me beat Grimm again. Help me be defined as alive and renewed.
This was as open and honest as she could possibly get. She didn't know if it was what a college essay was supposed to be, but it was all she had to offer. For the first time in her life, she'd put her pen to paper about her life. Once something is in print, it is there forever. Someone will always find a way to read it some how, some way, especially if it was submitted.
That was the main reason she'd never kept any kind of journal. She never wanted anyone to know what was really going on inside of her head. Who wanted to be judged for their inner most thoughts and then told if they were right or wrong? She told herself what she had to. She did it to adapt and survive. There was only one person she trusted enough to read it and give her an objective view about it. The question was, had she burned her bridge so bad with him would he even speak to her?
♥♥♥♥♥
Sam hadn't said a word to Charlie since they got back from spring break. She watched the clock the entire hour waiting for class to be over and had her essay in a manila envelope on her desk. It felt like it was burning a hole in her hand. Jules and Sarah had both offered to read it, but she didn't think they could be objective enough.
She ran through how she was going to ask him a million times in her mind, but once the bell rang and the class emptied out, her mind went blank. She made her way to his desk, his head was down grading papers. She waited for him to look up, but he didn't, so she cleared her throat. He raised his head with a no-nonsense look on his face.
"Do you need something?" he asked, in a harsh tone.
"I... uh... nevermind," she said, and gripped her envelope in her hand as she turned to walk away.
"Charlie, wait, what do you need?"
"Nothing, forget about it. I need to get to class."
Charlie had the feeling she'd burned her bridge with him so bad he wouldn't help her. She should have known better, what did she expect after the way she had treated him? She was late to her next class and Sarah sat in front of her, she turned in her seat as Charlie sat down.
"What happened? Why do you still have it?"
"He wasn't interested in helping me. Can you blame him?"
"That's bullshit."
Sarah's hand shot up in the air as she turned forward. Their teacher turned his attention to her.
"Yes, Sarah?"
"Can I use the bathroom?"
"You should have used it before class. Make it quick."
Sarah stood up and before Charlie could stop her, she grabbed the envelope off of her desk and walked out of the room.
Sam felt like a dick for snapping at Charlie when she obviously needed something. Some days were better than others when he could ignore the hurt and go about his day. Days like that day, it ate him alive. Sarah stormed into his class and slammed the door shut behind her, she must have known it was his planning period.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" She yelled.
"Excuse me?"
She marched over in front of his desk and crossed her arms over her chest with the same envelope Charlie had.
"You are the only person she trusts to read this and give her feedback, and when she asks you for help you tell her you're not interested?"
"What? She didn't ask me for help. She said nevermind and walked out before she asked me anything."
"It's probably because you were a dick."
"You're treading on thin ice, Sarah."
"Look, I don't know what happened to you two during spring break, but you both have been in foul moods ever since, so fix it."
"She's made it perfectly clear there is nothing to fix."
"Well if there wasn't, she wouldn't have come to you with something as important as this."
"What the hell is it?"
"Her college essay."
"She's applying?"
"Read it," she said, as she flung it at him and walked out of his class. Sam felt a melting pot of emotions. He couldn't believe Sarah talked to him that way. He knew she knew, but they'd never spoke about it. Charlie was applying to college and that was a big deal. She'd told him a long time ago that she didn't have any dreams. He pulled out her essay and felt his heart break as he read it. Wow, with her grades and with an essay like that, it would get her on the short list to anywhere she wanted to go. Sam knew what kind of step that was for her to put herself out there like that. He just wasn't sure if it was possible for him to talk to her about only her essay and keep his feelings in check.
He found her in the courtyard with Jules and Sarah at their usual table. His eyes locked with hers as soon as he walked outside. Jules and Sarah turned as he walked up and they both started to get up.
"You guys can stay."
They both looked at Charlie who nodded her head. They sat back down and watched him in silence. He sat the envelope in front of Charlie and tapped it twice.
"This is really good. This is the kind of thing the admissions committee is looking for. If you need a letter of recommendation let me know."
It kind of hurt him how she was willing to reveal more to an admissions committee than she had to him. She was willing to admit to strangers that she loved him, but she'd never told him.
♥♥♥♥♥
Charlie was in the upstairs living room that she'd converted into her reading nook with her nose stuck in a book. She heard someone coming up the staircase and she expected it to be Jules, so it threw her for a loop when it was her dad.
"Hey kid, whatcha' doin'?" he asked, as he climbed up the last step. She held her book up to him. She'd bought over sized pillows, bean bag chairs and a chaise lounge to fill the space. Joe sat down on the chaise across from the bean bag she was occup
ying.
"I know we haven't had many talks lately, but maybe we should have more."
She wasn't sure where he was heading, so she just raised an eyebrow at him but stayed silent.
"I talked to Sam..."
"What do you mean you talked to him? Why would you talk to him?" She dropped her book on the floor beside her.
"He's the one that brought your bags over after the trip. I invited him in and we talked."
"About?"
"I know everything, Charles. He admitted who he really is. Why would you keep something like that from me?"
"Because it didn't matter, we broke it off."
"And what if someone had found out? You would have been dragged through the mud. He could have had criminal charges brought against him, let alone lost his job. What were you thinking?"
"When we started seeing each other, it was winter break, we didn't know. Once we found out, it got ugly and then we ended it."
"You're an adult legally so there isn't anything I could do anyway. I used to trust your judgment, but I don't like the fact I had to hear the truth from him before I heard it from you."
Her dad was right and she should have just been up front with him about it. She wondered how Sam could sell her out like that? What else did he tell him? Oh God, he didn't tell him they were sleeping together did he?
"What else did he say?"
"Look, I try my best to stay out of your personal life. You're a big girl and you're old enough to make your own decisions. But I think you're being unfair to him. You're pushing him away and he wants to be there for you. He loves you, kid, I have no doubt in my mind about that. I saw how devastated he was when you were in the hospital and I see the pain in his eyes now that you sent him away."
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