Jessica’s heart skipped a beat. “The what?” she asked breathlessly.
“Ah, you didn’t know you were pregnant,” he said. “That’s quite normal. The fetus is only about two to three weeks old, so I’m not surprised you weren’t yet aware of it. It’s not a problem, is it?”
‘No, it’s not a problem.” Jessica responded, still not quite sure she believed what the doctor was telling her. “Doctor, I would very much appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy.”
“Of course not,” the doctor replied. “Doctor-patient confidentiality prohibits me from disclosing your medical condition to anyone that you haven’t authorized to have that information.”
“Thank you,” Jessica said, her mind spinning with this new development. Her head was already hurting, and she was confused and disoriented. She didn’t know how she was going to cope with this additional complication, much less think clearly in her current state. She definitely needed to sleep and start the healing process, but she couldn’t stop thinking about what the doctor had just revealed. How was she going to tell Michael, and what would his reaction be? Would he be happy, or would he be disappointed? More importantly, since Michael’s behavior toward her last evening, how did she feel about their relationship? Jessica had been honest with Michael when she told him how disappointed she was that he so easily believed she was capable of betraying him – that she could not be trusted. Had she been mistaken about his feelings for her? Did he truly love her? Knowing she wouldn’t have any of those questions answered tonight, Jessica closed her eyes and eventually drifted into an exhausted sleep.
Michael entered Jessica’s darkened room and noticed right away that she had fallen asleep. His gaze searched her face for any signs of pain or discomfort, but she appeared to be sleeping peacefully. He marveled at how beautiful she looked, even after such a traumatic experience. The worry lines on her face had disappeared, and she looked less careworn and much younger, much more innocent. Michael snorted in disgust at himself. Idiot, she is innocent, it was you that made her out to be less than what she was. This time he was the accuser, the one who had felt betrayed. He didn’t deny how powerful the emotion was once he experienced it for himself. He could now, at least in part, understand why he didn’t see that Jessica was in distress that night.
A memory flashed vividly to mind. He had just returned from a trip to France to teach a weekend long clinic near Normandy, and was looking forward to time alone with Emma. To his dismay, Emma angrily confronted him as soon as he walked in the door. “I’m glad you had such a good time in France without me,” she said. “It seems that one of the clinic participants posted on your Facebook page about how great a rider you are, and how wonderful it was to ride with you. How could you do this to me?”
“Do what?” he asked. “The woman is simply saying she enjoyed the clinic and wanted to let me know. There’s nothing sexual about that.” To his mind, it was a totally innocuous comment, but Emma had interpreted it to mean that the woman had slept with him. A much as he insisted the comments were innocent and that he hadn’t slept with the woman, Emma refused to believe him. He finally realized how damaging Emma’s behavior had been to his psyche, how deeply the hurt had buried itself inside him. Jessica was everything Emma wasn’t, yet in a heartbeat he had been willing to believe she had betrayed him. How could he ever make it up to Jessica? Would she ever trust him again? Thank God she had the courage and fortitude to defend herself, or who knows what might have happened.
Upon reflection, he realized that a part of his mistrust of women after Emma was that he never really did learn what had come between them. As best he could remember, after the Olympics, everything had been great. Emma was right there with him when he found and purchased the refurbished manor house in Surrey with land sufficient for building his training yard. Even after Romeo was taken from him, she supported him, although now that he thought about it, he had always had a sneaking suspicion that she was withholding a part of herself from him, almost expecting him to hurt her in some way.
He realized for the first time that there was never a point in their relationship when he felt as though she trusted him completely. As a result, he never felt that they had a soul-deep connection. Not like he had felt with Jessica from the very start. Even then, though, it wasn’t until the very last months of their engagement that Emma had started accusing him of cheating on her, and she had been so positive about it. That was the most confusing part of all. He didn’t cheat, so there couldn’t have been any proof. Something was missing. He just didn’t know what.
He remembered that it was soon after he reconnected with Lionel that Emma began to act differently around him. She questioned his relationships with his students, and accused him of spending too much time away from her when he taught at clinics around the UK and Europe. When he traveled to teach lessons to female students, she accused him of having affairs with them, to the point that he actually considered doing it, since it appeared that she expected it of him. In truth, he could have, because with his Olympic success and his good looks and approachable demeanor, women flirted with him and offered themselves to him all the time. Nevertheless, he’d remained faithful to her. He’d never cheated. When she finally left him, citing his unfaithfulness as the reason, he was beside himself with frustration and anger. The fact that she’d found someone else within weeks after breaking off their engagement didn’t help. Maybe she was the one who was cheating, he thought. It certainly seemed that way. All he knew was that he was devastated, his ability to trust seriously damaged.
Jessica stirred, mumbled a bit, and tried to shift position. She grimaced in pain as her movement jostled her broken collarbone, but she didn’t wake. She re-settled, finding a more comfortable position, and quieted. Michael settled as best he could in the vinyl padded chair next to her bed, and kept watch as she slept.
Jessica woke up the next morning feeling as if she had been hit by a truck. Her body ached all over, and her head throbbed. She blinked at the bright light streaming in her hospital room window and looked to her right to find Michael, his long legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles, his arms crossed, and his head slumped down to his chest, sleeping. Her heart warmed to see him there, obviously having spent the night in a most uncomfortable position, just to make sure she wasn’t alone. She took a few moments as he slept to study him and to reflect what had happened over the past 24 hours.
Obviously, Michael had jumped to a mistaken conclusion about Jessica’s character and in doing so, had hurt her badly. Even clearer to her was the fact that he very much regretted his actions, and believed her account of Blake’s assault on her. If she wasn’t mistaken, Michael would continue to blame himself for her fall, and that guilt would drive his behavior toward her unless she could find a way to convince him that if she could find it in her heart to forgive him, he should also forgive himself.
More importantly, how was she going to tell him about the baby? Her hand moved instinctively to her abdomen in a gesture of protection. Would he be happy, or would he urge her to end the pregnancy? Would he offer to marry her out purely of a sense of obligation, or did he love her as much as she knew she loved him? The questions whirled around Jessica’s already aching head, and no answers would come.
As those thoughts whirled through her mind, Michael stirred, then slowly woke up. He stretched, and worked the kinks out of his shoulders and neck, and stretched his arms and legs. He reminded Jessica of a panther she had seen at the zoo, all lithe grace and leashed power. He noticed her perusal, and smiled, leaned toward her and reached for her hand.
“Good morning. How are you feeling?” he asked. “Did you sleep well?”
“As well as can be expected, I guess,” she responded. “How about you? Did you sleep well? It couldn’t have been comfortable sleeping in that chair all night.”
“I’m fine.” Michael hesi
tated. There was so much yet to be said between them, but he sensed that this wasn’t the right time to discuss serious personal matters. She was still in a great deal of pain, and he wasn’t yet sure exactly how to move forward knowing he was responsible for her being here in the hospital to begin with. At that moment, a nurse entered the room to examine Jessica, and was soon followed by a hospital volunteer with breakfast.
“I’ll go and get something to eat, and be back in a few minutes,” he told her. “Liz should be here soon with Hailey to take my place.” He reached for Jessica’s hand, pressed a kiss on the back of it, winked at her and left the room. He walked down the hall to the elevators and proceeded to the ground floor hospital cafeteria. He ate breakfast quickly, then walked back toward the elevators.
He heard his name being called, and saw Liz and Hailey entering the hospital. He waited for them to join him, and together they proceeded to Jessica’s room. As they walked, he filled them in on Jessica’s condition.
“Look who I found,” Michael announced as they entered the room.
“Hey guys. It’s good to see you.” Jessica tried to put on the best possible face, but she could tell her sister and friend were still very concerned for her.
“Liz and I decided that I would stay with you this morning, then Liz will come this afternoon and keep you company,” Hailey explained.
Jessica was frustrated that they believed she needed to be watched every minute, but she knew better than to argue. “That will be fine. In fact, while you’re here Hails, you can fill me in your progress in physical therapy. Maybe we can even find someone here in the hospital that knows a therapist that specializes in treating amputees so you can continue your therapy here in the UK.”
Hailey rolled her eyes, but didn’t say anything. She knew that Jessica was adamant that she continue to pursue therapy to learn how to use her legs and to strengthen the rest of her body to make optimum use of more modern prosthetics once they had the funds to purchase them. She appreciated Jessica’s concern, but felt that, deep down, Jessica was going above and beyond what any reasonable person would expect in her care because she felt somehow responsible for her injuries, and was doing everything in her power to make up for whatever it was she thought she had done. Hailey had tried many times to assure Jessica that the accident wasn’t her fault, but Jessica stubbornly refused to acknowledge her. She resolved to talk to Michael about it when they had some time alone. Maybe he could talk some sense into Jessica.
Chapter 20
As Michael drove Liz back to the farm, he felt as though he needed to make sure she knew the entire story of what had happened the night before Jess’s fall. “Liz, did Jess tell you how Blake behaved the night before last?”
“No, Michael, she didn’t, but Hailey did. I will be calling the USDF immediately and informing them not to accept Blake McMillan as a sponsor for any U.S. rider. Does Jess intend to press charges?”
“My understanding is that in exchange for Blake leaving her alone, she agreed not to press charges. I’m willing to go along with that, if you agree.”
“I do. I think we’re well rid of Mr. McMillan and hope to never see him again.”
“Now,” Michael said, changing tack. “About Tempest. Since Jess will be out of commission for a while, I propose that you ride Tempest in her stead to make sure he stays in good shape.”
“What about you, Michael?” Liz replied. “Aren’t you still going to be riding?”
“Not for the next few days, at least,” Michael responded. “I want to take care of Jess while she’s recuperating, at least for the first week or two, to make sure she has everything she needs and doesn’t re-injure herself trying to do too much too soon.”
Liz laughed. “For someone who has known Jess only a few weeks, you certainly know her well. That’s exactly what she will try to do, so I advise a great deal of patience in the next two weeks.”
Michael smiled back. “Thanks, Liz. I think I’ll need it.” What Michael didn’t tell Liz was that he had been doing some serious thinking over the past few hours and had decided to notify Mendelssohn that he was quitting the competition for Tempest. It was Jessica who deserved him, and he would bow out so that she could have him and fulfill her dreams. He would find some other way to pay for Ian’s defense. Maybe the U.S. Dressage Team or the British Dressage Team needed a trainer. He was certain Liz and Jessica would provide him with good recommendations. He just wanted to make Jess happy, and he knew that having Tempest would do just that.
When they reached the farm, Michael encouraged Liz to ride Tempest every day to ensure he stayed in good condition, and that he would be ready for Jessica when she recovered. She agreed that would be best, and went up to her room to change, then proceeded to the barn.
Jessica was released from the hospital the following day, and accepted that her three guardian angels would pamper and coddle her for the next few weeks. After less than a week under Michael, Hailey, and Liz’s loving care, Jessica was able to move around the farm with no need of assistance. Liz continued to ride Tempest every day, and Jessica noted that Liz seemed happier and more lighthearted than she had ever seen her. Jessica was troubled, however, by the fact that Michael had stopped riding Tempest. In fact, he didn’t even spend any time with the stallion since her injury. She finally got up the courage to ask Michael about it.
Michael led Jessica into the front parlor, escorted her to a comfortable, overstuffed love seat, and sat next to her. He took her hand, and looked into her eyes. He lost himself in their green-gold brightness and swallowed the lump in his throat. “Jess, I’ve decided to take myself out of the competition for Tempest, and let you have him for yourself.” She opened her mouth to respond, but before she could speak, he continued, “When I saw you lying motionless on the ground after your fall, I realized how close I came to losing you, and knew without a doubt that I love you, and that I hated myself for endangering that love with my selfish and immature behavior. I knew that I could never love anyone as much as I love you. I can’t foresee a future without you in it, and I can’t possibly take advantage of an injury I caused to take your dream away from you.”
Jessica’s throat constricted, and her eyes glistened. Tears began streaming down her face. She knew in her heart that Michael was serious, that he truly wished only the best for her, and that he was willing to sacrifice his own interests to ensure her happiness. He loved her. If only she could accept his love, but she couldn’t. Not until he knew the truth about her, the truth that, once he knew, she was certain would destroy his love. It was time. She had to tell him. Her heart ached knowing the joy of having this deeply sensitive and caring man love her even if it was only for a very short time.
Michael had cupped her face in his hands, and was gently using his thumbs to brush away her tears. He wondered at the sadness he saw in Jessica’s eyes. Maybe he had misjudged and she didn’t return his feelings. Could it be possible that she didn’t love him? He had expected her to be happy, and to return his feelings joyfully. Now, he anxiously waited for her to explain what was causing her unusual reaction to his declaration.
Jessica calmly composed herself and released Michael’s hands. “Michael, before we make any decisions about our future, there’s something I have to tell you. Once I have, you may want to change your mind about spending the rest of your life with me.” She nervously brushed her hands over her thighs, and then clasped them in her lap. Michael reached out and placed a hand over hers. Jessica smiled weakly at him, and began. “When I was young, my family was very close. My mother, father, Hailey and I lived a very ordinary middle-class life in Central Ohio, and were content. At least Hailey, Mom, and I were content. My father felt some pressure to elevate our financial status, so he left a relatively low paying job that he loved and applied for and got a job with a major corporation in our area. The pay was much better, and he did very well at first, but his superiors
expected more and more from him, until he found it difficult to cope with the stress without resorting to alcohol.
“Over time, the alcohol became his answer to any problem he encountered, and our family began to suffer because of it. My parents began to fight over Dad’s drinking, and Hailey and I were afraid to be around him. After I graduated high school and went out on my own, working for Liz, I was able to escape for the most part, but I would still have to accompany the family to the annual family reunion picnic a few hours away in Toledo. It never failed that at those picnics, my Dad would drink too much, get angry and belligerent with our relatives, and we would leave in embarrassment. The last year, I decided I wouldn’t go and be humiliated by my Dad’s behavior ever again. My mother begged me to change my mind and go, in part because between Mom and me we were always able to convince my Dad not to try to drive home, but to let one of us drive instead. Even knowing that, out of pure selfishness, I refused. I reassured my Mom that she would be able to get Dad to turn the car keys over to her, and she would be able to drive them home.
“Evidently, that last year, five years ago, that didn’t happen, and my Dad drove drunk, crashed the car, and killed himself and my Mom and permanently injured Hailey.” She looked at Michael as tears streamed down her face. His expression was solemn, but otherwise unreadable. “Michael, it was all my fault. I killed my parents and I’m responsible for Hailey’s injuries. If I had been there, they would be alive and whole right now. So you see, I’m not worthy of your love. I don’t deserve the kind of happiness you’re offering me.” She stood and turned away from him, unable to see his reaction to her confession. “I understand if you don’t ever want to see me again.”
Dressage Dreaming (Horses Heal Hearts Book 1) Page 19
