He took a sip of his bourbon, contemplating whether it would be the last one he’d ever have, or if he would be spared death tomorrow to live another day. Either way, it was no matter to him. Marshall Leitner was prepared to fight for his beliefs, regardless of what the outcome may be.
While his thoughts were turning to war, around him peace screamed for him to shut up and listen. The city had become still, too still; the calm before the storm. It was as though it knew what was to become of it tomorrow and was resting, saving its energy so that it would be ready to join in the fight. Marshall perked his ears up to listen to the world around him, but all he heard was silence muffled by the occasional footsteps of soldiers and other pedestrians on the sidewalk underneath him. He closed his eyes and imagined those footsteps multiplied exponentially. They marched in unison, with purpose. Bringing an end to Brooks’ reign, and ushering the light back to the people.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The Balcony
The sun set just as the stars and crescent moon were ascending to their rightful thrones in the evening sky. Below their celestial beauty, Ian and I sat at a small table on the balcony of my suite, taking the events of the day in. We both remained in our formal attire even though we had no plans on going back to the ball or partaking in any of the other festivities that were going on throughout the hotel. We chose this option partly because we were both exhausted, but mostly because we knew that Brooks would be down there now, doing his best to schmooze the masses. Just the mere thought of that man induced a subconscious eye roll from the more vocal woman in my head.
I took my high heels off and rubbed my throbbing feet. Why women subjected themselves to those medieval torture devices, I would never know. Grumbling expletives under my breath, I threw the shoes through the open French doors back inside the suite, and in the general direction of the suitcase Kara had packed for me. As I watched the stilettos strike the ground near the suitcase, I tried my best to disguise my swiftly reddening face, and contemplated the words I would use to express my ‘thank you’ to Kara upon our return to The Epicenter.
I looked up at Ian, who sat staring across the river in the direction of the park. He appeared to be in deep concentration, like he was taking on all the problems of the world in that one instant, and I felt guilty for the thoughts that prevailed in my head. Like him, I, too, should have been staring in that direction and formulating a plan of attack for our mission tomorrow. But, instead, all I could think about was how devilishly handsome he looked in the faint light of twilight. His green eyes glowed deceptively chartreuse; his hair, still slicked back perfectly, reflected what little light the buildings around us gave off. At that moment, I saw what those women saw at the bar the night I first met him.
But just as I allowed my thoughts to venture into unknown territory, a familiar path flashed through my mind. A path that led back to Chase. Again, I was consumed by guilt. Chase had been the one I’d loved, the one I had been ready to give my life to no more than a year ago. Now, it was like he was nothing more than an afterthought.
No. I knew he was more than that to me, which made everything I was thinking and feeling right now that much more confusing, that much more…frustrating. With a sigh, I stood up from my chair and walked over to the balcony to get some air and—hopefully—clear my head.
“Are you okay?” Ian asked. I could hear his chair scraping across the concrete on the balcony as he spoke.
“I’m fine,” I answered without looking back at him. “I think the wine is catching up to me.”
“I always pegged you for a lightweight,” he laughed, meeting me where I stood at the balcony railing.
“What were you thinking about so intently just a few moments ago?” I asked him in an attempt to divert our conversation.
“Oh, I don’t know,” he answered. He rested his arms on the railing, mere inches away from my own. “I was just going through different scenarios in my mind as I replayed the speech our President gave us this afternoon.” He grew quiet for a moment, his gaze reflecting once more on the park across the river. “Tomorrow, I fear, we’re going to have to make a choice. Standing with the tyrant responsible for the mess we’re all in, or standing up against an injustice.”
“Tomorrow,” I began, “we choose to either become the heroes they think we are, or we choose to be no better than Brooks himself. Revenge is only worth the cost if the price isn’t paid with your soul. If we give away our humanity, then what? What kind of heroes would we be in their eyes? Is a hero driven by revenge or by doing what’s right even if their own desires are at stake?”
“How’d you get so wise?” Ian asked me.
I turned my head to meet him face-to-face. “My father,” I answered simply. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my decision to join The Epicenter, and whether he would have made the same choices I did. He wouldn’t have lived his life with hatred and vengeance in his heart like I have. I just feel like…like maybe I’ve been selfish, when all I’ve ever wanted was to make him proud.”
“He would have been proud of you, Celaine,” Ian said, his lips curved upward in a small smile.
“Look at you. You’re smart, you’re strong, you put everyone else ahead of yourself. I never knew your father, but I can’t imagine that he could have possibly wanted any more in a daughter.”
“Thank you, Ian,” I said, my eyes watering a little. “There are just times when I need to hear that.”
“Well, I would have thrown in a ‘you’re beautiful’ too, had I not been afraid of you jumping off the balcony to get away from me,” he laughed.
“I’m never going to live that one down, am I?”
“No, I don’t see myself forgetting about that any time soon.”
“Ian, it’s not…it’s not you. It’s just Kara and everything that’s happened between us lately…and…I’m just…confused about my feelings…” Oh God, shut up, shut up, shut up, the voice in my head pleaded with me. I turned away from Ian abruptly, hoping that he would just let it go and accept my rambling attempt at an apology.
“Wait,” he grabbed my arm gently and turned me around to face him again. His touch caused an unexpected shock to travel up the length of my arm. My heart pounded heavily in my chest as though it were made of lead. It was a similar feeling, though not as intense, as the one I’d experienced the first time I met Chase. “What do you mean by confused?” he asked warmly. “What kind of feelings do you have?” I wasn’t sure what to say to him, for I hadn’t expected to confess what I had already admitted to him. All I could do was look him in his hopeful, pleading eyes, speechless. “Talk to me.” His hand slid up my arm and rested lightly on my cheek. “It’s only me, Celaine. You can tell me whatever it is. You’ve always been able to talk to me.”
“I know, Ian,” I managed to squeak out. “I’m just not sure what I’m trying to say. I’ve been thinking about so many things lately; things that both excite and scare the hell out of me. A part of me knows that I need to be able to be happy again, but I’m too afraid to let that happen. I’m too afraid to…let go.” He looked at me intently, his gaze blazing even in the steadily approaching darkness. If I was going to lay everything out on the line in order to sort it all out, it was now or never. “It’s just when I thought that you and Becca had something, a part of me was a little…jealous. Because I have feelings for you, Ian, that I don’t quite understand. I just…I don’t…” Before I could finish my sentence, Ian leaned in and gently touched his lips to mine. It happened in slow motion, or so it seemed, but it caught me off guard nonetheless, and I believe that even Ian, himself, was caught by surprise.
He paused ever so briefly, his breath quickening, before moving his hand from my cheek through my hair, his eyes never leaving mine. Then his lips found mine again, but instead of a gentle, chaste caress, they pressed against mine firmer this time, as though he was allowing himself to give into a need that had lain dormant inside. A need he no longer felt the obligation to suppress. I felt my
heart racing. Confusion, need and guilt overpowered me, all dueling for control over my actions.
Ian began to pull away from me, but I didn‘t let him get too far. Allowing need to prevail in the battle being fought in my head, I touched my hand to his cheek and pulled his mouth to mine again. It was as though he’d been waiting for that one sign from me to unleash every pent-up desire he’d been keeping tucked away, and as soon as I began kissing him back, he wrapped his other arm around me in the same firm, protective hold I hadn’t even realized I’d been missing. In response, my body relaxed, giving in to him, becoming implicitly compliant with his wants and needs.
Suddenly, I felt my feet move backwards, the result of him walking with me still in his grasp. All the while, he never let go of me; he never allowed his lips to leave mine. We left the chilled night air on the balcony, entering the suite through the French doors. From there, we moved through the darkened room, until the back of my legs struck an immovable object situated in the middle of the room. The bed.
A new conflict arose within me, like the mere presence of the bed had somehow knocked me back down to reality. Ian paused just then, reality, perhaps, striking him over the head as well. Yet his heart pounded fiercely. As close as our bodies were, I could make out its every beat. It was rhythmic and soothing, perfectly in tune with my own. My hand drifted upwards to his face, tracing the curvature of his jaw. Just a hint of stubble had formed. And though I could barely make out his face in the shade of night, I still felt his eyes on me, coupled with his breath upon my face, his smooth lips on my forehead, and his body lowering mine down onto the bed.
My head hit the satin pillowcase while Ian lowered himself down next to me. He brushed my face lightly with his fingertips in the dark while he leaned over me.
“I have a confession,” he said.
“A confession?” I asked, unable to control the smirk from forming on my face. “Sounds pretty scandalous.”
He laughed softly, his fingers moving their way from my face to my hair. “I think a part of me has been hoping this would happen since we started sleeping next to each other.”
The smirk faded away from my face, replaced by a slew of contradicting emotions. “Ian, what exactly is this?” I asked, unsure of whether an answer to that question truly existed.
“Right now, I think it’s whatever we want it to be,” he answered. “The possibilities are in our hands.”
“What do you want it to be?”
He kissed the bridge of my nose, skimming my face with his lips until he reached my mouth. “I want to explore every possibility possible with you,” he whispered. His lips brushed mine again, and the desire behind them was even more evident than before. “I meant it before when I said you were beautiful. Actually, you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever laid my eyes on. When I saw you in the bar back in Norfolk, I couldn’t believe you were there to see me. I thought there had to be some catch behind it, like maybe you were there to try to sell me a vacuum or something,” he chuckled.
“Well, it wasn’t a vacuum, but you still bought it nonetheless.”
“Hook, line and sinker,” he agreed. Ian’s fingers ran their way through my hair. At some point, he’d positioned his body over mine. Mere inches separated us. I felt the warmth of his breath slide down the side of my neck, and I closed my eyes while I allowed my body to succumb to a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. A feeling that only Chase had been able to bring about before. Chase. His image appeared in my mind just then, precisely at the moment when Ian’s lips met the skin of my neck.
“Ian,” I said, the guilt becoming too much for me to withstand. “We can’t…we can’t do this. We need to stop.”
He paused abruptly, propping himself up on his arms over my body. “Okay,” he said, disappointed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get carried away.”
“You don’t need to apologize to me, Ian, it’s just…” He moved from his position over me to a sitting position on the bed, catching his finger in the chain of the necklace around my neck. The heart locket rolled down the chain and met his hand.
“I guess it’s pretty obvious what you want this to be.”
“Ian…I…”
“It’s okay, Celaine.” He moved to the edge of the bed. In the sliver of light that managed to stream into my room from the window, I saw him run his hand through his hair, fixing the strands that had become misplaced. “I understand, really. It’s not like I expected you to fall in love with me.”
“Love?” I asked him, perplexed. And then it dawned on me, something I should have seen in every meaningful look, every kind gesture, every protective stance, every night he stayed by my side without my having asked him in advance. “Are you…in love with me…Ian?”
He sat on the edge of the bed in silence, telling me everything and nothing all at the same time. Then, he spoke. “I don’t…I don’t know.”
“It sounds like we’re both on the same page, then,” I said softly.
Ian stood up, never turning around to face me. Perhaps he didn’t want to, or maybe things between us had changed too much for him to be able to. “Good night, Celaine,” he said. I saw his dark form take a few steps toward my bedroom door. With each of his footsteps, my heart sank further and further into the pit of my stomach.
“Ian, please,” I said, doing my best not to sound desperate. “Stay. I need you here…with me.” He paused, his body stiffening, halfway between the bed and the door. For a brief moment, I thought he’d chosen to continue his journey to his own room, as his body lunged forward ever so slightly. But then he turned and proceeded back to the bed.
He took off his suit coat and placed it on a chair near where I lay, and sat down next to me and took his shoes off, letting them fall to the floor. Despite my jumbled state of mind, my lips curled up into a grin that I was sure nothing would be able to erase.
“You have me,” he said, placing his arm around my torso. “As long as you want me around, I promise I’ll never leave you.”
I touched my hand to his, and ran my fingertips down the length of his fingers. There was something about his touch that was kind and inviting, yet a force to be reckoned with all rolled into one. “That’s not a promise that’s readily kept.”
“That’s only because you never heard it from me,” he said. The warmth of his lips touched the back of my neck. That, coupled with his arm around my body, soothed me to the point where my eyes began to grow heavy. “You need to quit thinking that everyone you care about is going to be taken from you. That’s no way to live.”
“Maybe I need it proven to me that’s not always going to be the case, because history has proven otherwise,” I answered him.
“Challenge accepted,” he chuckled. “So, don’t you want to change out of that dress? I’ll leave the room, if you want to. I promise I’ll come back.” From the tone of his voice, I knew one of his patented smirks was being flashed at the back of my head at that moment.
“No. I strangely kind of like the feel of this thing, and God knows when I’ll ever allow myself to wear something like it again, so I’m going to make the most of it while I have it. Plus, I’m too tired to move,” I yawned.
“Get some rest, then,” he said, entwining his fingers in mine. “I may be awake for a while, but I’ll stick around.”
“You’d better.”
Ian began humming a song, the melody of which I recognized from a lullaby Carol had sung to me what seemed like a lifetime ago. I listened to his harmonic voice and wondered how many times his parents—most likely his father—had sung that same song to him. My eyes grew heavier as I reflected on Ian Grant and the night we’d just had together. A night that I hadn’t had since Chase.
I wasn’t sure what would become of us, but I knew that whatever happened, our lives had been irrevocably changed with a single kiss, ensuring that our feelings for each other would never be the same again.
*****
Ian sat in one of the patio chairs on the balcony of
her room, his bow tie in one hand and a cold beer he’d come across in the room’s refrigerator in the other. The unseasonably cool air was just a couple of degrees shy of freezing, but he didn’t care. It was serving a purpose, clearing his thoughts. Below him, the city lay splayed out, completely dark, hauntingly still. If he were a betting man, he’d be more than willing to wager that he was the only person within miles who was outside in the elements at this very moment.
In the bedroom behind him, he heard her breathing, a sound that would have been inaudible to those without the heightened senses he possessed. The sound of her breathing was comforting. It meant that—at that instant—she was at peace. Theoretically, it should have meant that he was at peace as well, but in reality, he was far from it. His head still swam, despite his best efforts to calm the seas. Events from the evening played and re-played as though on one continuous loop in his mind. Had he done something wrong? Was there something he should have done differently? Everything had been going so perfectly. It had been turning out to be one of the best nights of his life, and he thought that she was on the same page too. In fact, she had been on the same page until something inside her closed the book and chucked it across the room.
Granted, he hadn’t thought that they would actually have sex, but he hadn’t expected her to seem disturbed by the prospect of it either. What had the past few weeks meant to her, anyway? Before tonight, he thought he knew the answer to that question as far as he, himself, was concerned, but now he was beginning to think there was more to it. Maybe my feelings run deeper than even I’m aware of, he thought, tossing the idea around. He’d spent the vast majority of his life keeping others at arm’s length to keep those feelings that now raced through his system at bay. He’d kept them away for a reason. The less you feel, the less you can get hurt.
Yet unexpectedly and unintentionally, he’d let his guard down with her, and a levy had been breached because of it. Such was the price for failing to be careful. But amid those thoughts were his memories of her tonight. Just the sight of her had nearly dropped him to his knees. That, coupled with the feel of her skin, the smell of her hair, and the taste of her lips. He shook his head and stood up, leaning against the railing of the balcony.
Vendetta Nation (Enigma Black Trilogy #2) Page 17
