“She sounds amazing.” Mom patted me on the cheek, then looked at me with a serious smile. “You deserve this, honey. You really do.”
Man, I hoped so. It’d been a long time coming, finding a girl I actually wanted to share my mom’s cookies with. Nessa, Ronnie and Fliss didn’t count. They were already taken, and I saw them all as sisters anyway. I wanted a girl for me. The right girl, and I couldn’t help entertaining the idea that maybe I’d found her.
Leaning back on my elbow, I pulled out my phone and got some music playing. Andy Grammer’s “Fresh Eyes” started and I nearly changed it, worried she might think I was trying to make a move with songs about love, but then she tipped her head back and grinned.
“I love this song. Have you seen the video clip where he goes to that homeless shelter?”
“Yeah.” I grinned. “It’s so awesome, right?”
“He comes across as such a nice guy. I hope he actually is, you know? It’s always hard to tell if they’re doing this stuff genuinely or just as some marketing gimmick.”
“He’s genuine.” I nodded.
She turned to gaze down at me. “How do you know? Have you met him?”
“No.” I shook my head. “But I just want to believe he is.”
We shared a smile, our eyes locking over Mom’s cookies. She nibbled the edge of hers, then licked the crumbs off her full lips. My insides burned with desire.
“I so want to kiss you right now.” The words came out in an unconscious whisper, and it wasn’t until she tensed and looked away that I even realized I’d said them aloud.
Shit! I suddenly felt like a pimply seventh grader who’d just screwed up their only chance with the prettiest girl in school.
I cringed down at the blanket, then glanced back up to catch the red tinge on Jenna’s cheeks. Her eyes connected with mine and I felt her own desire strong and magnetic.
A hopeful smiled tugged at my lips. “You want to kiss me too, don’t you?”
Her curls rustled as she shook her head and stared down at her lap. She was definitely pulling a fast one. The way her lips flirted with a smile, the fact that she wouldn’t look at me, filled my chest with triumph in spite of her rejection.
I didn’t know what held her back. It was only a first date, I guess, but come on, we were in our twenties and she was acting like a teenage sweetheart.
It made me wonder if there was something else holding her back. She never really answered my question about a previous relationship. Had she been burned so badly that she couldn’t even talk about it?
Was it going to be another taboo subject between us?
“You know…” I sat up and brushed the crumbs off my fingers and onto the grass. “I’d never do anything to hurt you. I’m sure you’ve heard that line before, but you can believe me.” Her head whipped up and she looked at me with a skeptical frown. I grinned and fought the urge to skim my fingers down her cheek. “I’m not gonna kiss you today, even though I really want to. I’m a patient guy, and I respect the fact that those lips belong to you and I have no claim on them. So just whenever you’re willing to share them with me…let me know.” I winked and she rewarded me with an unabashed smile that would have knocked even the strongest guy off his feet. Thank God I was already sitting.
Grabbing another cookie, I shoved it in my mouth and gazed out at the vista before us. It was nearly impossible to chew and swallow. My insides were going nuts—desire and triumph created these giddy electric sparks that played havoc with my body.
I glanced back and caught Jenna watching me. A dimple on her right cheek popped into place as she tried and failed to fight her grin.
Oh yeah, she most definitely wants to kiss me.
I couldn’t help feeling like the luckiest guy on the planet.
9
Jenna
The song “Soldier” played on the radio as I drove home after my date with Jace. The words made me smile because not only did I adore Gavin DeGraw, but this song was written with Jace in mind. I still didn’t know him really well yet, but from everything I’d learned from our phone call and afternoon hike, I could tell he was a soldier.
He wasn’t broken on the inside like me.
He was a solid rock, and if I wanted to, I bet he’d let me shelter within his arms any time.
“His arms,” I whispered.
They were muscular. I didn’t miss the shape of them today. Although his T-shirt wasn’t very fitted, I could still figure out what kind of body he had beneath that shirt. I’d seen pics too, promo images in glossy magazines. Jace was cut, but he didn’t seem that aware of it.
I still couldn’t believe that he wanted to kiss me but wouldn’t, because my lips belonged to me.
“Who says that?”
Only the sweetest guy on the planet.
It was just another tick in his favor.
Jace seemed like a strong, humble guy. The perfect man to fall in love with.
But could I do it?
He didn’t deserve my shit, and if I fell for him like all the way, I’d have to eventually spill the truth. I couldn’t dodge questions with vague head shakes and mumbled lies.
The thought of exposing my secrets sent a swarm of bees charging through my system. As soon as I got home, I ran to my door and locked myself away, the perfect afternoon scarred by reality.
Pressing my hand against my forehead, I paced from the front door to the kitchen, lamenting the fact that it was over before it’d even begun.
I couldn’t date Jace Tolson! Was I out of my freaking mind?
A knock at the door made my jump.
“Hey, Jenna, it’s me!”
My shoulders drooped with relief and I rushed to open the door for Dorothy. She’d be a good distraction.
It took her less than a minute to prove me right. She burst into the room with her guitar and found a home on my couch.
“So, I finished the song.”
“The song?”
“For Phillip. The one I started writing for him.” She held out a sheet of paper and shook it in the air.
“Weren’t you going to play that for him in your underwear the day after your big fight?”
“Yes.” She gave me a cheeky smile. “And I did. Except I was naked.”
“Okay.” I rolled my eyes and snickered. “So it worked, then?”
“You knew it would.” She laughed and rested the guitar on her lap. “But he loved it so much that he asked me to keep working on it. So I did, and now it’s pretty much finished. I’m going to record it. This is the one, Jenna. This song is going to be my lucky break.”
She started strumming and soon her sweet voice was filling my apartment.
I'm getting better … Life's getting better
With you all gets better …You're just like that
And I bloom in your warmth … Because you make me strong
Nothing can go wrong … When you're around
Sometimes I question myself … But then I see you and it's better
Sometimes I question my fate … But then you hold me and I'm better
And you' re the best, the best I've ever had
And you're the only, only, one … That can break my heart
You're just like the sun … You bring light to my dark
You made me break rules I never knew I had
The words soaked into me, flooding my mind with thoughts of Jace.
I couldn’t help it. He’d been in the forefront since the day I met him, and he had made me break my own rules. Not with any kind of coercion, but just because he was a really great guy, and he could make my life better.
The paper shook in my hand as I joined Dorothy for the second chorus, falling into a simple harmony. The sound was rich and traveled through my spirit, lifting me high the way it used to when my sister and I would sing together.
We harmonized at Mom and Dad’s wedding, wowing the guests with our perfect sound. It was like we’d been born to sing together.
A deep sadness cut
through me as memories of the last few times we were together hit me like a high-speed train.
I flinched as the front door clicked open.
Seth was back already. I closed my eyes, dread trying to choke me as I prepared for phase two.
Phase one was the anger. He’d hit me, then storm off.
But phase two was worse.
That phase consisted of drunken apologies and then makeup sex.
I never wanted it, but if I didn’t give it to him, phase three would start. That was the scariest phase of all. Seth still got his sex, but he took it rough and brutal, treating me like some rag doll he could throw around the room before finally taking me.
Tears glassed my eyes, but I quickly blinked them away, pasting on a brave smile as his footsteps stopped in the kitchen.
I turned and shuddered to a stop as I came face-to-face with my identical twin.
“Aleesha?” My sister whispered my name in a horrified way that told me Seth’s punch from the afternoon was still showing on my cheekbone. “What the hell happened?”
“J-Jenna,” I stuttered.
I cast my eyes over her lean body. She looked like the wanderer she’d taken off to be. Gray hiking boots, black cargo pants, a loose cotton scarf around her neck. Her hair was longer than mine, reaching mid-waist and braided on either side. She looked amazing. Fit. Healthy.
I wanted to hate her. But I couldn’t, because she was my twin sister—Jenna.
“What are you doing here?” I croaked.
“Well, it’s our family home and I’m back from my trip, so I thought I’d crash here. What happened to your face?”
“You can’t stay.” I didn’t even try to hide my panic.
Her eyes narrowed. “Why not?”
“Be-because!” I flung my arms wide. “You take off like two months after Mom and Dad’s funeral and then you’re gone for like what? A year and a half with no communication! Where the hell have you been?”
She let out a guilty sigh, then winced. “Look, I know what I did was wrong. I shouldn’t have just left you like that, but I couldn’t stand being in this house without them. I took off to Florida for a while, found work, traveled around. I’ve just been a nomad, trying to find myself.”
“Great,” I muttered. “How’d you do with that?”
Her eyes shone with a look that told me she’d found some kind of peace.
I clenched my jaw and looked away from her, jealousy ripping through me. All I’d found were new nightmares and a whole different type of despair.
“Seriously, sis, what happened to your face?”
She tried to approach me, but I held up my hand to keep her back. “It’s not your business.”
“Did someone do that to you?” Jenna’s voice was low.
My nostrils flared and I crossed my arms. “You should go before he gets back. I don’t want him knowing about you.”
Her head jolted with surprise, and then she slowly gazed around her. I knew what she was looking for. Our family photos.
Well, they weren’t there.
Jenna had fled. I’d dealt with my pain by packing away every reminder of my past and trying to make the home we’d been left into something different.
“Okay,” Jenna finally whispered. “Look, I know I don’t have the right to just waltz back into your life after taking off like that. You’re obviously not ready. But…” She held her breath, then pointed at me. “If someone’s hurting you, we need to make that stop.”
“It’s not your business,” I repeated.
“You’re my sister. That makes it my bus—”
“You left!” I practically screamed. “You left me all alone to deal with this bullshit. So don’t go and pretend that you care about me!”
Instant tears popped onto her lashes, her jaw working to the side. By the time her first one fell, my vision was blurred with tears of my own.
“Just get out,” I choked. “Please, go. Before he gets back, just go. You gotta go.”
She sucked in a breath and slashed the tears off her face. “All right, fine. But don’t think this is over. I’m not letting you be somebody’s punching bag, Aleesha. You deserve better.”
And with that she left.
But the next day she was back again trying to convince me to leave him.
She got lucky. Seth wasn’t there.
It didn’t change the fact that she remained deaf to my pleas.
Did she honestly think Seth would just let me walk out the door?
The guy was a paranoid, jealous, obsessive partner, and he wasn’t about to let his woman leave him. Besides, he’d moved into our family home.
My part-time cleaning job wasn’t exactly enough to pay the bills. I needed Seth to help me pay off the mortgage. My parents weren’t rich. They didn’t have life insurance. They scraped and saved for years to get their foot in the door, and I wasn’t about to sell something they’d worked so hard to acquire.
“You have to leave him,” Jenna pleaded with me.
“You try breaking up with a psycho,” I retorted. “He’ll kill me.”
And so it went. For a whole week, Jenna stopped by every time Seth went out, begging me to find the courage. Until one night she turned up at my doorstep—hair cut, same clothes and makeup as me.
“What are you doing?” I cast my eyes over her. “Are you wearing my clothes?”
“You shop at Walmart. It wasn’t hard to find a match.” She slipped past me and walked into the kitchen. I was in the middle of baking Seth’s favorite chocolate cake, an apology gift for burning his bacon that morning. I had a fresh bruise on my ribs and I didn’t think I could cope with another one. I was pulling out all the stops to appease him.
“Jen, why are you dressed like me?”
“Because.” She spun and planted her hands on her hips. “This has to end, and since you don’t have the courage, I am breaking up with Seth for you. As soon as we hear him coming, you sneak out the back door, dial 9-1-1 and I’ll start kicking him out.”
“Are you crazy? The police are not going to do anything.”
“Have they been here before?”
“Once,” I quietly admitted. “Seth knows how to put on the charm. I can’t get out of this. You just have to accept that.”
Her expression contorted with anger. “I can’t, and I won’t! You’re only just twenty. You are not spending the rest of your life this way. This is our home, and you have to fight for it.”
My head was shaking before she’d even finished speaking. “You don’t get it, Jen. He’s too strong for even you. He will hurt you, and I can’t let that happen. You just need to move on and forget about me.”
Her arms were around me in an instant. I bit back my yelp as she clung tight, crushing my bruised rib cage beneath her.
“I could never forget about you, Alee. And I’m not going to let my other half suffer any more. I abandoned you. I let you down, and I’m never going to do that again. Now, I am breaking up with him whether you want me to or not.”
If only she’d known what she was saying.
The page in my hand wrinkled as I unwittingly formed a fist.
“Jenna?” Dorothy stopped playing. “Are you okay?”
My head bobbed automatically as I scrambled for a quick lie. “Yeah, I’m just really tired. Work’s busy.”
“I get it.” She tipped her head. “But didn’t you have the day off today?”
“Called in for a last-minute shift,” I croaked, feeling bad for not fessing up. But how could I tell her about my date with Jace when I was never going to have another one?
My afternoon had been a fantasy.
I could never date the drummer from Chaos, just like I could never get my sister back.
The only part of her I had left was her name.
And that was the very thing I had to protect.
10
Jace
I clenched and unclenched my fists as I made my way up the concrete steps. I was nervous—there was no hiding it
. I couldn’t decide if I was crossing a big fat line, but I also couldn’t leave it.
Jenna and I had enjoyed a great afternoon together. It’d ended well. No definite follow-up date, but promises of phone calls.
Well, those promises had been broken…and not on my end.
There was only so many unanswered texts and messages I could send. After a week of it, I couldn’t take anymore.
Flick told me I should just drop it. Who the hell wanted a girl who was hot one minute and cold the next?
“Just forget about her.” He’d waved his hand through the air like it was no big deal.
But it was a big deal…to me.
I couldn’t explain why, but I didn’t think Jenna was one of those hot/cold girls. She didn’t seem shallow to me. She seemed uncertain, maybe even a little scared.
“So you turn up at her door unannounced. Nice move, jackass,” I muttered to myself as I paused outside her chipped green door.
The apartment complex was dilapidated to say the least. It spoke volumes of her financial situation.
I wondered if that’s what was putting her off. I was some high-flying rock star. Did she feel like I was out of her league?
Hating that idea, I quickly knocked on the door.
I’d already told myself I wasn’t going in. I just wanted to check that she was okay and then gently ask her why she didn’t want to see me anymore. I wouldn’t demand she change her mind. And as much as it would sting, I’d walk away…if she wanted me to.
I heard footsteps behind the door and cleared my throat in preparation.
She must have assumed I was someone else because when she swung open the door, her smile vanished, replaced with a look of fearful surprise.
Fine By Me: Chaos Novella (A Songbird Novel) Page 5
