“Grandmama?”
“Julia. Guess it’s urgent because I heard her tell someone else to find you too. She asked if I knew where you were and I said no, of course, and she said if I saw you to tell you she wants you. So I did.”
“Did she say why?”
“Maybe. I wasn’t listening.”
Telaine groaned. She ought to see what Julia wanted. Her cousin didn’t usually seek her out for unimportant reasons. On the other hand, she and Jessamy were behind schedule and she still had three Devices to finish. But if Julia was looking for her…she cursed, then said, “You’re not allowed to say those words until you’re a full Deviser.”
“Yes, Lainie,” he said, grinning. “Are you going?”
“I suppose I should. I’ll hurry back. You go on installing the spheres, and if I don’t come back before you’re done, put everything into the box and I’ll fetch it later.” She wiped her hands on her pants, braided her hair and tied it off with a piece of cord, then descended the back stairs and went looking for Julia.
She came out of the stairwell onto the landing and ran straight into Grandmama, making her drop the book she was holding. “Oh! Sorry.”
“What were you doing back there?” Grandmama picked up the book and dusted it off, straightening a few bent pages. “You know those stairs are off-limits.”
“I…was following a source.” It sounded like a lie even without the echo.
“Hmm.” Grandmama tucked the book under her arm. “I’m not going to pursue the question. You always were good at keeping secrets…and now I know why.” She smiled.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you the truth earlier. I know you guessed, when we were at Clarence’s awful play.”
“It’s all right. I knew you’d tell me when you were ready. I was surprised to learn the truth, of course, but honestly, I was so proud of you I didn’t mind that you’d been concealing things from all of us.”
“Proud?”
“Of course. You know I love you, but it did make me sad, hearing about your exploits and flirtations. I always thought there was more to you than that. Hoped there was, at any rate. Are you sure you’re well? I know it wasn’t real, but you did lose half your life.”
“Of course. I lost the half I didn’t care about. I have my family, I love Devisery, and now I can pursue it openly.”
“That’s not exactly what I meant. Whatever happened with Evan Kirkpatrick?”
Telaine blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I know he tried to court you, and you rebuffed him. Obviously I don’t expect you to encourage someone just because he’s interested in you, but you haven’t given anyone a chance since you returned.”
“I don’t know anyone who wants a chance, Grandmama. My social life is more or less in shreds. And I’m happy this way.”
Grandmama shook her head. “Let me tell you something my father once told me. You’re not made to be alone, Telaine. Yes, you’re right, the men you know are all wrong for you, but I don’t want to see you isolate yourself. Time will pass, and things will be different.”
Telaine laughed. “Thank you for caring, but for now I’m happy being on my own. I think it’s going to be many a year before I find someone—but I hope you’re right.”
“I’m always right, dear. Just ask your uncle.” Grandmama patted her hand. “Now, I think Julia was looking for you. You might try the east wing.”
Telaine searched for more than half an hour without seeing a trace of Julia. For all Jessamy had said it was urgent, it seemed her cousin had disappeared as thoroughly as she must have believed Telaine had. Finally, one of the servants recalled Julia going into a little-used parlor at the far end of the east wing, close to Telaine’s rooms but not to much of anything else. Telaine stopped to wash her hands and face and strode down the hall, wondering what Julia could possibly want her for there.
She opened the door with too much force—she remembered incorrectly that it stuck—and saw Julia dressed in morning attire, a cup of tea in her hand, her mouth open as if to say something to her guest.
Her guest, perched on the chair across from her, was Ben Garrett.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Her hand on the door knob was the only thing that kept Telaine from falling to the floor. Spots pulsed in front of her eyes, as if she’d been staring at one of her light globes for too long and then blinked. She closed her hand harder on the door knob and willed herself not to faint, or have hysterics, or do anything else stupid.
Julia gasped. “Oh, Telaine, what have you—didn’t anyone tell you we have company?” She put an emphasis on the last word that, if it were a physical gesture, would have been a sharp elbow to the ribs. Telaine was glad of an excuse to look at her cousin instead of the other occupant of the room.
“No, I heard it from Jessamy,” she said, her voice sounding surprisingly normal. You’d think I’d have some sort of shrieking fit. Or become mute. “He just said you were looking for me.”
Julia scowled. “Trust Jess to miss the most important part,” she said. “Really, where have you been? Mister Garrett and I have been chatting for nearly an hour.”
“Sorry,” Telaine said. “It’s a secret. Can’t even tell you.”
Julia looked pleased with herself. Well, she’d probably brought Ben to this overstuffed, bleak parlor as retaliation for how poorly he’d treated Telaine, as she saw it. Telaine couldn’t look at Ben, so she couldn’t tell if he’d been intimidated or overwhelmed or whatever it was Julia had had in mind. But Julia didn’t have that curling grin she got whenever she’d gotten paybacks on someone she thought deserved it. Oh, for us both to have the inherent magic of shared thoughts right now.
“Sit down, Lainie. Have some tea. You look as if you could use it—oh, it’s cold, well, you did take an awfully long time.” Julia patted the sofa next to herself, and Telaine sat. She could see Ben only out of the corner of her eye; she could not force herself to turn her head. Julia smiled brightly at her, then, terrifyingly, said:
“Well, I’m sure you both have lots to talk about, mutual acquaintances, et cetera, so I’ll leave you to it, shall I?”
She stood to go, and Telaine swiveled on the sofa. “Don’t feel you have to leave.” Don’t leave me alone with him.
Julia gave her another bright smile, but her eyes were fierce, the equivalent of hands shoving Telaine back onto the sofa. “I do have other things to take care of, Telaine,” she said. “Mister Garrett, it was a pleasure, and thank you again for saving my brother’s life.” Ben said something inarticulate. The door closed. Telaine finally had to look at him.
Aside from being thinner, he looked the same as always. He sat perched on the edge of the couch as if he were a bird prepared to take flight, which, judging by the tense lines next to his eyes, might be the case. He said nothing, just looked at her with that direct, calm gaze she knew might conceal any emotion.
She stood up and walked to the hearth, and looked down at the fireplace. There hadn’t been a fire lit in here for…hah, sixteen years. When they’d brought her here just before her father died. What a memory to have right now. “How’s your leg?” she asked, unable to think of anything else to say.
“Better. Still hurts some. But at least I still have it.” His voice hadn’t changed at all either, still that musical tenor. It made her shiver with memory. She was glad she wasn’t facing him. Who knew what her face might give away? But what was he doing here? He certainly didn’t seem happy to see her. How polite did she have to be before she could escape?
“Jeffy said you saved his life.”
“He saved mine, so I think we’re even.”
More silence. He’d always been good at making her work to get a reaction. “I heard about Liam and Trey. How’s Eleanor? And Blythe?”
“Eleanor’s recovering from the shock. Still shaky and frail, if you can imagine it.” He paused, then added, “Blythe lost her baby a week after Trey was killed.”
Again she was grateful her back wa
s turned so he wouldn’t see her cry. He wouldn’t think she was entitled to weep for Longbourne’s dead, had told her as much back in the town square. She dragged her sleeve across her eyes before remembering how dirty it was; her face had to be streaked with filth now. She knew there were bits of wax in her hair because they’d never got all the pieces swept up, and she remembered too late that one of her trouser legs had a tear and a bloodstain in it from where she’d knelt on a nail head two days before. “I’m sorry,” she said, not sure if she was apologizing for her appearance or trying inadequately to express her pain at her friends’ grief.
“They’ve had the whole town behind them,” he said. Was that a rebuke somehow, a warning that her support was unnecessary and unwanted? Why was he even here?
“I’m glad,” was all she said.
They both fell silent again. The silence bore down on her like a blanket woven of iron and copper wire. What did he want from her? Her embarrassment turned into anger. How much pain was he entitled to inflict on her before it equaled whatever pain she’d caused him?
She thought back on all the long weeks since she’d thrown everything away in Longbourne’s town square, how she’d carried that agony with her in her night ride to raise the garrison and all the long way back to Aurilien. How she’d carried it clutched to her heart like a tumor all through the weariness of preparing for trial and through discovering what was left of her life with the Princess excised from it. It was more than enough.
“I can’t bear to be in this room another minute,” she said, and flung herself away from the mantel toward the door. She looked back at him and saw, for a moment, surprise and fear. It was enough to make her pause. “If you have anything to say, come with me. I just can’t hear it in this room.”
She opened the door and strode down the hall, then slowed to match her pace to his limping one. You could run away; he’d never catch you on that leg. It was too late. They walked side by side, neither looking at the other. It might have been a gallows march.
She went to her rooms like a badger goes to ground, seeking its own safe shelter. Ben looked around with surprise and pleasure. “I like this room,” he said. “It’s not as uncomfortable.”
“Two weeks ago it was worse than the other. I’ve made a lot of changes.”
“Is this your room, then?”
“One of them.” Her shoulder blades itched and the back of her neck was sticky. She decided that, Ben in her sitting room or no, she had to change her shirt. “Sit down. You probably shouldn’t strain your leg. I have to change.”
She went through her bedroom and into her dressing room, closing both doors behind her as if that might keep him from following her. Not that she expected him to.
She stripped off her shirt and her sweat-sodden brassiere, went to the washroom to wash her face and wipe sweat off her neck and from under her breasts, and changed into clean underwear and a new shirt. She brushed the wax bits fiercely out of her hair and braided it up again, then looked at herself in the mirror, holding the brush as if it were a weapon. Whatever he intended to bring to bear on her, she was armored against it.
Ben looked up when she came back in. Again, she saw a moment’s fear that turned instantly to surprise and then, oddly, relief. “I thought you might be putting on a dress. Like your cousin.”
“I’m going back to work later. No point getting dressed up.” Certainly not for you.
“You work?”
He sounded so surprised it irritated her. “Yes, Ben, I work. I’m a Deviser. We build things.”
Her sarcasm cracked his calm demeanor, though not by much. “That’s not…I thought…”
“What did you think?”
He shrugged and turned away. “Doesn’t matter, I guess.”
Anger rose up inside her again. He came all this way, intruded on her home, and for what? Why couldn’t he for once say what was on his mind? She sat on a chair opposite him and massaged her temples against the headache that was trying to build there. “You didn’t come all this way just to chat about people who hate me. Why are you here?”
He looked startled. “Nobody hates you.”
“Don’t they? You all sure gave a good impression of feeling otherwise. Or have you forgotten?” To her horror, tears pricked her eyes. “Ben, why are you here? Is your anger and pain so great it can only be eased by telling me, once again, how awful I am? I am sorry for what I did. It was selfish and short-sighted and I knew the whole time I had no right to lead you on when you couldn’t know who I was. I just—”
She took a deep, shuddering breath. “No. I’m not going to make excuses. I was wrong, that’s all, and I don’t—”
“No. Stop. Lainie, no.” Ben took both her hands in his and clasped them tightly. “Lainie, I came here to ask you to forgive me. Please.”
Caught mid-word, Telaine gaped at him. “Forgive you?”
“I’m so sorry I said those things to you. That I didn’t trust you enough to at least listen to you. I don’t like feeling like a fool, and that day…I was angry with myself, and I turned that anger on you. I should never have done that. Not to you. Please, forgive me.”
She had to concentrate on breathing, because the spots in front of her eyes were trying to claim her again. “I’m the one who needs forgiveness.”
“For what? For being an agent of the Crown, forced to live a lie that turned out to be truth? Lainie, you gave me a false name. You never gave me a false heart.”
A tear slid down her cheek. She couldn’t wipe it away because Ben was still holding her hands and she didn’t want him to let go. “I wanted to tell you,” she said. “Truly I did.”
“Can’t imagine how hard it was to keep that secret.” He kissed her knuckles, sending a thrill through her. “Lainie, I love you. I never stopped. Can you find it in you to love me again?”
She smiled through her tears. “I recall someone telling me love’s not something you turn on and off like a tap.”
He smiled back, that wide, brilliant smile that made her heart turn over in her chest. “I was hoping that was true,” he whispered, and kissed her.
She leaned into his kiss, not caring that she was crying in earnest now, tears of relief and happiness. He let go of her hands and pulled her onto his lap so she could hold him close. He still smelled of the forge, a wonderful, familiar smell, and she drew him closer and tried to wipe away her tears without breaking that beautiful, heart-pounding connection. Ben kissed her damp cheek, then her lips again, and she tasted her own tears and laughed. “What’s so funny?” Ben asked.
“Nothing. I’m just happy. I missed you so much.”
“Sorry it took so long. I was flat on my back for most of six weeks, healing.”
“Jeffy told us you’d been wounded. It sounded bad.”
“Happen it would’ve been worse without Major Anselm’s healer. Got a nice scar now.”
Telaine kissed him again, tracing the curve of his ear with her forefinger. “I’m glad you’re here, however long it took.”
“It was a long six weeks. Everyone else in Longbourne forgave you before I did. For a while there seemed like everyone in town took it on themselves to tell me how stupid I’d been. Then I started having nightmares that you were never going to forgive me. Didn’t help that you came into that awful room looking like you wanted to murder someone and it might be me.”
“I was shocked. You were the last person I expected to see.”
“I know.” He went back to kissing her, sliding his hands across the small of her back. “We’d better be careful. Nice quiet room like this, we could be headed for trouble.”
“It’s worse than you know. My bedroom is just through that door.” She ran her fingers through his hair, making him smile against her mouth.
The door opened. They scrambled apart, awkwardly disentangling themselves to sit upright at opposite ends of the sofa. “Julia!” Telaine exclaimed. “Don’t you knock?”
“Sorry,” Julia said, grinning and looking not at a
ll remorseful. “Just wondering where you’d gone.”
“Honestly, Julia, we might have been doing anything in here. You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“I wish you were doing something scandalous. I’ve never seen two people more in need of sex than you are.”
Telaine looked at Ben, whose face was crimson. “Excuse me,” she told him, “I have to go murder my cousin.” She leaped up and flew across the room toward the door, shoving it slowly closed against Julia’s laughing weight.
“Father wants to meet him,” Julia panted, “and Mother said to tell you both that dinner will be at twelve-thirty. Ouch.” She shoved Telaine back an inch. “But if you are going to make use of the bedroom, I could tell her to push it back to one o’clock—”
“Go away, Julia!” Telaine shrieked, and slammed the door on her cousin’s hearty laughter. She leaned against the door, forehead on wood, and wondered if it were possible to die of embarrassment.
“Now I’m not sure if she likes me or not,” Ben said. He was just as red as she felt. She went back to sit next to him on the sofa.
“She approves of you, which is the first step toward liking you,” she told him. “You already know the rest of the family is going to like you, because you saved Jeffy’s life.”
“Can’t believe a grown man lets anyone call him ‘Jeffy’.”
“My cousin Mark will want to talk about your military prowess. I’m afraid I can’t stop him. Jessamy—oh no. I forgot about Jessamy. I left him with the project and told him I was coming back.” She dug out her watch. “He’s probably given up on me by now, but I should go back anyway.”
“Can I come along?”
She kissed him. “It’s up four flights of stairs. I don’t think you’d make it. You can wait for me in the drawing room. It will give you a chance to meet some of the family.”
He went from red to pale. “You’ve got a lot of family.”
“You faced the Ruskalder army. How much worse could this be?”
Agent of the Crown Page 39
