by Sandy Taylor
He lifted my case down from the rack and put it on the seat. ‘Is someone meeting you?’ he asked.
I nodded. ‘A couple of nuns.’
‘As long as you’re going to be alright.’
I thought it was nice that a complete stranger cared enough to make sure I was okay.
‘I’ll be fine,’ I said. ‘And thank you for the sandwich.’
‘I can wait with you, if you like,’ he said, looking down at me.
‘No, I’ll be grand, but it was good of you to ask.’
‘You’re welcome and good luck.’
I almost said, ‘I’m going to need it,’ but I thought that might give away my circumstances, so I just waved goodbye to him.
I stepped down from the train and looked around me. The place was huge, with a ceiling that seemed to go on forever. What if I didn’t find the nuns? What would I do then? I decided to stay by the gate and hope that they would come to me.
I seemed to be standing there for ages and I began to think that I’d been forgotten. I regretted telling the kind man not to wait with me. I felt like crying and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I knew no one in this strange new country. What was I to do? Where was I to go? Just as I was beginning to give up all hope, two nuns with their veils flying behind them came running across the station towards me. I had never felt so relieved in my whole life.
They were out of breath by the time they reached me.
‘Cissy Ryan?’ asked one of them.
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘You must have thought we’d forgotten you, child.’
‘She must have been terrified, standing here all alone,’ said the other nun, ‘and all because you couldn’t find your blessed shoe.’
‘Well, I couldn’t be expected to tramp across London in the middle of the night with only one shoe on.’
‘She’s always losing things, Cissy, she has my knees ruined praying to Saint Anthony.’
‘I’m okay now,’ I said, smiling.
‘Of course you are, of course you are. I’m Sister Mary and this buffoon is Sister Luke.’
Oh, they were nice! They were, in fact, so nice that I burst out crying at the niceness of them.
‘There, now see what you’ve done,’ said Sister Luke, ‘with all your talk of shoes and Saint Anthony when all the child wants is her bed. We’ll have you home in no time, Cissy. We’ll get a taxi cab to the convent.’
‘And where did you get money for a taxi cab?’ demanded Sister Mary.
‘I took a loan of a few bob out of the collection box, knowing our dear Lord Jesus will forgive me, knowing one of his children is in need of comfort.’
‘I hope you intend to confess your little bit of pilfering to Father Sullivan on Saturday.’
‘I will, of course. Now let us get this poor child home, she looks all in.’
Sister Luke held my hand as we crossed the station and Sister Mary carried my case. We walked out of the station and waited for a taxi. I’d thought that London would be full of people and cars and carriages but there were very few people around. I felt lost and alone.
‘It must all feel very strange to you, Cissy,’ said Sister Luke.
My heart was too full to speak so I nodded.
‘As soon as a taxi cab decides to put in an appearance we’ll have you home.’
‘Home?’ I wished I was going home.
I hardly noticed my surroundings as I was led up the wide staircase and put to bed. I felt like a child as Sister Mary tucked the blankets around me. Whatever lay ahead, I knew that I was in a safe place with people who would look after me. I felt light-headed as if the floor beneath me still rolled from the motion of the boat. I fell into a deep sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
I was woken by the sound of chattering. I felt so warm and comfy that I could have stayed in bed all day. I sat up and looked around me: there were three girls in the room. I felt shy and out of place.
‘The Sleeping Beauty has woken up at last,’ said one of them, looking across at me. She came over and sat on my bed, the other two followed her.
‘Cissy Ryan?’ asked one of them.
I nodded.
‘I’m Rose.’ She pointed to the other two. ‘That’s May and that’s Sally, we’re your room-mates, welcome to St Steven’s.’
‘What time is it?’ I asked, shifting myself up in the bed.
‘Well, let’s put it like this, you’ve missed breakfast and lunch,’ said Rose.
‘Which is probably a blessing,’ said May, ‘as Sister Monica is on kitchen duty all week and she can’t bloody cook!’
I laughed. ‘I can’t believe I slept so long.’
‘We didn’t disturb you, strict instructions from Sister Luke,’ said Sally, grinning.
‘We were beginning to think that you would never wake up,’ said May.
All three girls were at different stages of pregnancy. May was so big she looked as if she was about to have her baby at any minute. It made me feel a bit sick, knowing that in time I would look the same.
‘Yep, we’re all in the same boat,’ said Rose, as if she was reading my mind, ‘and I imagine that’s what’s brought you here.’
I nodded.
‘Then welcome aboard.’
All three girls were so friendly that I began to relax.
‘When you’re up and dressed, Iggy wants to see you,’ said Rose.
‘Give the girl a chance to wake up properly,’ said Sally.
‘Who’s Iggy?’ I asked, swinging my legs out of bed.
‘Mother Ignatius, she wants to see you down in the office.’
‘Don’t worry, she’s okay,’ said May.
The three girls looked very different. Sally was a redhead with a scattering of freckles across her nose. May looked kind of anxious, peering at me through round glasses, and Rose was the prettiest girl I had ever seen, with bright blue eyes and brown curly hair.
‘Ah, you’re awake,’ said Sister Luke, coming into the room. ‘I hope these three didn’t disturb you?’
‘Not at all,’ I said.
‘I’ll wait for you downstairs and take you to see Mother.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, collecting up my clothes that I couldn’t even remember taking off the night before.
Mother Ignatius stood up as I entered the room. ‘Sit down, Cissy,’ she said, motioning to a chair opposite her. ‘I hear you had a grand sleep, so I hope that you are well-rested after your journey.’
‘I am, Mother.’
‘I know that right now everything must seem very strange to you, but you will soon learn our ways and settle in. You are not here to be punished, Cissy, you are here to be taken care of with love and dignity. The other sisters and I will see to your welfare and help you through the difficult times ahead, because make no doubt about it, they will be difficult. Father Sullivan has told me that you wish for your baby to be adopted?’
‘Yes, Mother, for I have no means of looking after it and I can’t bring shame on my family.’
‘I understand, child, but even though that is the decision you have made, giving away your baby will be the hardest thing that you have ever done, and we are here to support you in that decision. A good Catholic family will be found for your baby and you will be giving it the chance of a loving home with people who will cherish it. You will be giving them the gift of life, Cissy, and they will be forever in your debt. Now let us pray together for God’s guidance in bringing you to us and his strength and wisdom to stand beside you. You are a part of this family now and we will do our best to look after you.’
It suddenly hit me what I was about to do. However kind these nuns were, they were not my people: I would have to go through this alone.
Before I left the room, Mother Ignatius handed me paper, envelopes, a pen and some stamps. ‘You will want to write to your family.’
‘But I can’t give them this address, Mother, they mustn’t know that I am in a convent. I told them that I was going to work in a big ho
use.’
‘I’m aware of that, Cissy. A lot of our girls have been in the same position as yourself. Luckily, I have a friend of the parish who has allowed us to use her address. She will deliver the answers to your letters when they arrive.’
‘That’s kind of her,’ I said.
‘If you look for kindness, Cissy, you will be sure to find it.’
Chapter Thirty-Eight
As the weeks went by I began to get used to living in the convent and I became great friends with my room-mates. After we had done our daily chores we could pretty much do as we pleased, we were even allowed to go into the town. I preferred to stay behind, reading and walking in the gardens. I’d gone with the other girls once, but I didn’t like the way we were stared at. It was very obvious where we had come from and some of the looks we got made me feel ashamed.
‘Ignore them, Cissy,’ said Rose. ‘That’s what I do.’
‘I’d rather just stay here,’ I said.
‘I felt the same as you to start with but now I don’t give a fisherman’s tit what they think of me, as I’m never likely to see them again once I leave this place.’
‘You’re braver than me,’ I said.
‘Oh, it’s not bravery, it’s survival. I’d go mad if I didn’t get out now and again.’
‘I just want to get this over with and go home to Ireland.’
‘We all want to go home, Cissy.’
Often in the afternoons when my friends had gone into town I wrote to Mammy and Colm. I kept my letters short and tried not to lie too much. I told them about Rose, May and Sally and said they were the girls I worked with. I told them that I was enjoying my job but couldn’t wait to come home. Mammy’s letters were shorter than mine, I knew she found letter-writing difficult. She said she missed me and that Buddy was fine. She always ended her letters by saying that Mr Collins wished to be remembered to me. Colm’s letters on the other hand were full of love and sweetness. He said that I was in his thoughts every moment of every day. He passed on good wishes from Annie, Bridie and Mrs Hickey. His letters always had a heart with an arrow through it at the bottom of the page. I hated lying to them but I knew that it wouldn’t be forever. I would soon be home and I could put all this behind me. I was protecting them from the truth and I would keep doing that for as long as I had to.
In the evenings, we sat on our beds chatting and I soon got to know my new friends better. Rose came from Brighton on the South Coast and like me, she had told her parents that she was working as a maid in one of the big houses. May lived in the East End of London and Sally came from Devon. Her parents had sent her to the convent with strict instructions that she should return home without a baby in tow.
‘But I don’t mind,’ said Sally. ‘I’m too young to have a child.’
It was May who shocked me the most, though. She looked like such a timid little thing and yet this was her third pregnancy.
‘She’s a brazen hussy,’ said Sally, smiling fondly at her.
‘I can’t help meself,’ said May. ‘I think it’s a sickness I have.’
‘It’s not a sickness,’ said Rose, ‘it’s your inability to hang onto your halfpenny that’s the matter.’
‘Do you like babies, then?’ I said.
‘She doesn’t keep any of them,’ said Rose.
‘So you give them away?’ I said.
May nodded sadly.
‘And you’ve had them all here?’
‘Iggy keeps the bed warm for her,’ said Sally.
‘And she doesn’t mind?’
‘Oh, she minds alright,’ said May. ‘I have a dressing-down every time I come back. She keeps threatening to close the doors on me but I think she’s decided that I am her burden to bear and she offers her suffering up to God. She says the sisters are worn out, praying to Saint Jude.’
‘The Saint of Lost Causes?’ I said.
‘That’s the feller.’
‘Not that he’s managed to come up with the goods yet,’ said Rose.
‘When is your baby due, May?’ I asked gently.
She shrugged. ‘When it comes, I suppose.’
A week later, I was woken up by screaming. Rose jumped out of bed and turned on the light. May was on all fours on the floor, clutching her stomach.
‘Quick, Cissy, get one of the nuns,’ said Rose. ‘She’s having her baby.’
I felt sick as I ran along the corridor to the nuns’ quarters. I banged on the door and waited. It seemed like forever before it was opened by Sister Gertrude, who was standing there with a little white cap on her head and a nightgown that came down to her ankles. I had only ever seen her in her nun’s habit and a part of me thought that I shouldn’t be seeing her in this state of undress.
‘Is it May?’ she said.
‘Yes, she’s having her baby, Sister, please hurry.’
‘I’ll fetch Sister Theresa and we’ll be right along. Keep her calm, Cissy, and tell her that everything will be alright.’
I ran back to the room.
Rose was rubbing May’s back and Sally was holding her hand. ‘Did you find someone?’
‘Sister Gertrude and Sister Theresa are on their way,’ I said.
May let out another piercing scream. ‘Holy Mother of God, I can’t do this!’ she sobbed.
‘Of course you can,’ said Rose gently. ‘You’re a strong brave girl and you can push this baby out.’
‘I can’t, I can’t,’ moaned May.
‘There now,’ said Sister Gertrude coming into the room. ‘Let’s get you somewhere more comfortable.’
‘I can’t do this, Sister,’ cried May. ‘It hurts too much this time.’
‘And that pain will be gone as soon as your baby is born. Now lean on me and Sister Theresa and we’ll take you upstairs.’
‘Do you need help, Sister?’ asked Rose.
‘We can manage, can’t we, May? Slowly now, there’s a grand girl.’
Rose squeezed May’s hand. ‘We’ll come and visit you as soon as we’re allowed.’
After they had left, we all sat on Rose’s bed and covered ourselves with the blankets.
‘She’s no more than a child herself,’ said Rose angrily.
I looked at Sally; there were tears rolling down her cheeks.
‘She’s not a hussy, is she?’ I said softly.
‘No, she’s not, Cissy.’
‘It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.’
Rose took a big breath. ‘It’s her father,’ she eventually said.
I didn’t understand. ‘What’s her father got to do with it?’
‘He’s the one that gives her the babies,’ said Sally.
I stared at her, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. ‘But can’t someone do something to help her? Can’t the nuns put a stop to it?’
‘I felt exactly the same as you when May told us,’ said Rose. ‘I went barging into Iggy’s office and demanded that she went to the police about him.’
‘So why didn’t she?’
‘Apparently, every time May gets pregnant, her father drops her off at the convent and when she’s had the baby, he fetches her home again. Iggy said that if she interfered or made him angry, he wouldn’t bring her here again and she’d end up having the child on the kitchen floor. At least when he brings her to the nuns they are able to look after her properly.’
I could feel my eyes filling with tears. ‘Poor May,’ I said.
‘The awful thing is,’ said Sally, ‘she thinks it’s normal.’
‘Normal? How can she think it’s normal?’
‘I suppose it’s all she’s ever known, poor little cow,’ said Rose.
‘I wish I could help her.’
‘We all wish that we could help her, Cissy, but I don’t know what any of us could do.’
‘Ruby was all for finding out where he lived and setting the house alight while he was asleep,’ Sally smiled. ‘She would have done as well if me and Rose hadn’t talked her out of it.’
‘Who’s Ruby?�
�
‘The girl that was here before you. She grew very fond of May, she would have done anything to save her from her pig of a father,’ said Rose.
‘I wish I’d met her,’ I said.
‘She was a great girl, one of the best. She even went against her family and refused to give her baby up for adoption.’
‘And did her family let her home with the baby?’
‘Well, she left here with the child in her arms, so I don’t suppose she gave them much of a choice,’ said Sally.
‘Ruby said she would rather live in a cardboard box than give her baby to strangers.’
‘She sounds like a grand girl altogether,’ I said.
‘She certainly had guts,’ said Sally, grinning.
I lay awake thinking about poor May and how awful her life must be. How I longed to be home in the little cottage in Paradise Alley. How I yearned to walk up to the grey house and hold Colm in my arms and how I wished with all my heart that I had never met Peter Bretton and been such a foolish girl.
‘Are you awake?’ whispered Rose.
‘Yes.’
‘Me too,’ said Sally.
‘How long does it take to have a baby?’ I said.
‘Not long, I hope,’ said Rose.
‘I’m bloody terrified,’ said Sally.
‘Have you thought about keeping your baby?’ I asked.
‘I’ve thought about it,’ said Sally, ‘but we live in a small village and my mum said that the family name would be forever tarnished if I came back with a baby and no husband. I’m not as strong as Ruby and, even if I was, I couldn’t do that to them.’
‘How about you, Rose?’
‘I don’t let myself go there. If I did, I think I’d go mad. I trust the nuns to find a good home for it and that’s all I can do. How about you, Cissy?’
I panicked every time I thought about this child that I was carrying ‘Oh no, I can’t keep this baby, I just can’t,’ I said.
Rose put her arm around my shoulder, ‘It’s okay, Cissy, nobody is judging you here. We all have our own story to tell and our own road to walk.’
Just then Sister Gertrude put her head round the door. ‘Are you awake, girls?’
