by Sandy Taylor
I had got so fat, I could hardly walk. Mother Ignatius noticed me struggling with a bucket of water.
‘What in the name of heavens are you doing, child?’
‘I’m going to wash the hall floor, Mother.’
‘You are not,’ she told me. ‘You are going to rest. It’s a grand day, I suggest you sit in the garden and watch the world go by. You’re not long off your time now, Cissy, and you need to take it easy,’ she said, relieving me of the bucket. ‘Away with you now.’
I walked out into the garden and sat down on a bench. It was so peaceful here, you couldn’t help but feel at rest. There were a couple of nuns walking along, heads down, reading their Bibles. I suppose there was a lot to be said for the life they had chosen, not that it would have suited me. But they had nothing to worry about, did they? No rent to pay, no food to buy – in fact, nothing to worry about at all.
I closed my eyes and raised my face to the sun. Mother had said that this baby would soon be born.
I prayed that once it was all over I could put it behind me, I could be a young girl again. It had all been a dreadful mistake – a moment of foolishness that I regretted. I wouldn’t let it ruin the rest of my life but would I ever be able to forget? I wanted to return to Ireland and never leave its shores again. I could almost feel Colm’s arms around me, I was almost home.
Chapter Forty-Five
I covered my ears with my two hands in an attempt to block out the screams that were coming from the baby. She hadn’t stopped yelling from the moment she’d been born. All I wanted to do was sleep but her continuing cries wouldn’t let me. The nuns hadn’t bandaged me yet and the front of my nightgown was soaking wet.
‘We’ve got a big one here,’ Sister Gertrude had said as she’d eased the baby from my body.
‘Ah, but she’s lovely! Look at the grand head of hair on her, Cissy.’
But I didn’t want to see her grand head of hair, I was in agony and she was the cause of it. Sister Gertrude had wrapped her in a towel and laid her on my tummy. I’d turned my face to the wall.
‘Come on now, Cissy, hold your baby before she falls onto the floor.’
‘Please take her away,’ I begged.
‘You’ll feel better once you’ve had a bit of a sleep,’ said Sister Theresa, taking the baby from me and placing her in the cot beside the bed.
I’ll feel better when I’m on the boat back to Ireland, I’d thought.
Sister Theresa washed me gently with warm water. ‘Now isn’t that better?’ she said.
‘It is, Sister. Thank you.’
‘Are you sure you don’t want to hold her? She’s a lovely little thing.’
I shook my head.
‘Ah, Cissy, if you could just see her.’
‘I don’t want to see her!’ I snapped. ‘I’m not keeping her, am I? I’m not even feeding her!’ That was the mistake that Rose had made, she’d bonded with Jenny and it had broken her heart to give her away. Well, that wasn’t going to happen to me.
‘You may regret it later, Cissy. Mother Ignatius encourages our girls to hold their babies, so that when they are gone from here they will remember.’
‘But I don’t want to remember, Sister. I want to go home and forget that I ever had her.’
I could see the disappointment in the Sisters’ eyes but I couldn’t change my feelings.
Suddenly there was a commotion outside the door, followed by Sister Luke bursting into the room.
‘Come quickly, Sisters! Orla has fallen down the stairs.’
‘Oh, dear God!’ said Sister Gertrude. ‘Is she badly hurt?’
‘We don’t know.’
‘I’m sorry, Cissy, but we’re needed. We’ll be back as soon as we can, you just rest for a while.’
I couldn’t believe that they were leaving me alone. I didn’t know what to do with this screaming baby. And the more she screamed, the more milk oozed out of me.
I leaned across and patted the little bundle but that seemed to make the cries increase.
I got out of bed and leaned over the cot. I’d never seen anything so angry in my life. Her little face was bright red and sweaty and she was trying to kick her way out of the towel.
‘Alright, alright,’ I said, picking her up and getting back into bed. Every bit of me was hurting and my lower regions felt as if they’d been kicked by a horse. As soon as I’d settled her into my arms she started sucking at my wet nightie. This angered her even more and the screaming reached a whole new level.
I knew I shouldn’t be feeding her but surely this once wouldn’t hurt. Anything to stop the noise. I undid my buttons and she immediately latched onto my breast. A pain like I’d never felt before shot through my body, making me cry out. I moved her head and positioned her better and at last the screaming stopped as she sucked away. I looked out of the window. All I wanted was for this nightmare to stop, for someone to come in and take her away. I was aware of her pawing at my breast like a little kitten. Finally, I looked down at her. Her eyes were wide open and she was looking at me. ‘Hello,’ I said softly. I held her tiny hand and she grabbed hold of my finger so tightly, it was as if she never wanted to let me go. As I looked down at her little face I could feel something change in me. It was as if I’d been asleep and I was suddenly wide awake. My heart that had been frozen for so long began to melt, as I held my baby close. When she’d been in my belly all I’d been able to think of was Peter Bretton; in my head that was all I could imagine. She was just a thing that had invaded my body, not a real baby at all, just an unwanted extension of him.
How could I have imagined this perfect little being? I gently smoothed her soft downy hair – dark, like the mammy’s – and when she stared up at me I felt for all the world as if I was looking into the granddaddy’s eyes. I could see nothing of Peter Bretton in her, but even if I had it wouldn’t have made any difference to the way I felt. If her father had been the Devil himself I would have loved her just as much.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. ‘I didn’t know it was you.’
I watched as her eyes closed, her dark lashes brushing her pale cheeks. I lifted her up and kissed her milky lips. I breathed in her baby smell, feeling as though I couldn’t get enough of her.
The late September sun streamed through the window, bathing us in light and warmth. I leaned back against the pillows, holding my child close to my heart. Whatever happened from now on, we would face it together; together we would find a way. I was filled with a strength I never knew was in me and in that moment I knew that I would fight anyone who tried to take her from me. ‘It’s just you and me now,’ I said, smiling down at her.
I didn’t have to think what I would call her. I kissed the top of her head and whispered, ‘Your name is Nora, Nora Ryan, and I will love and protect you all the days of your life.’
Chapter Forty-Six
‘Will you take Nora back to Ireland, Cissy?’
I shook my head. ‘No, Mother, I can’t do that.’
‘Then have you thought about what you will do?’
‘No, Mother. I only know that I can’t give her up, I can’t.’
‘I know, and I wouldn’t try to persuade you otherwise. This decision has to be yours and yours alone.’
‘I thought maybe I could work somewhere where they would let me keep her with me.’
‘I will make enquiries but I have to tell you that it’s unlikely. Is there no one you know in England that would take you both in?’
‘No one, Mother. What little family I have is in Ireland.’
‘Wouldn’t it be an idea to write to your mother and explain about the baby? She is, after all, her granddaughter.’
‘It’s not that she would turn us away, Mother, it’s not that. She’s a good woman, she would never turn her back on me or Nora.’
‘Then isn’t that your best chance? Wouldn’t she in time accept the child? If she loves you, wouldn’t she also grow to love your child?’
‘Mother, when my mammy had me s
he wasn’t married, we had to go into the workhouse. She didn’t want me to take the same path that she had taken, she wanted a better life for me and I promised her that I would be a good girl. I can’t let her down, I can’t bring shame on her.’
‘I do understand, but I’m not sure that you are in a position to be so caring of your mother’s feelings. You are not your mother, Cissy, and you are not responsible for her past mistakes.’
‘There is someone else that I can’t hurt.’
‘And who is that?’
‘Colm. We were to be married as soon as I got back home, he knows nothing about the child.’
‘So, I take it that he is not the father?’
I would never tell anyone about Peter Bretton, no one must ever know. ‘No, Mother, he is not the father, I only wish he was.’
‘Then I will make enquiries. In the meantime you will stay here with us.’
‘Thank you, Mother. Have you told Mrs Grainger that I have changed my mind?’
‘I have and she was very gracious about it. She is of course very disappointed but she understands and respects your decision. She’s a good woman, Cissy.’
‘She sounds nice.’
‘A few prayers might help, we could do with the Lord on our side.’
‘I can do that, Mother, and I’ll earn my keep.’
‘I know you will, child. Now off you go while I try to find a place for the two of you.’
‘Thank you, Mother, for everything.’
‘Get praying, Cissy, get praying.’
Nora became my world and I became hers. I loved walking in the gardens, holding her in my arms, her little cheek pressed against mine. We’d sit under a big old tree and while the autumn leaves fell down around us, I’d talk to her, just as I used to talk to the granddaddy. I told her about Paradise Alley; I described the old stone archway leading to the six white cottages and I told her about the granddaddy and Mammy and Colm. ‘And oh, you would love Blue,’ I said. ‘I was frightened of him at first but sure, he’s the gentlest of creatures. I’m sorry that you won’t meet him.’ I missed my home and I missed the people I loved, but something had changed in me now: all that mattered now was Nora.
Agnus and Orla were as fascinated by my baby as I was.
‘She’s only gorgeous, Cissy,’ said Agnus, smiling down at her. ‘Like a little angel, she is.’
‘I can see why you couldn’t give her up,’ said Orla. ‘I hope I don’t fall in love with mine.’
‘You’ve no need to worry about that ,Orla,’ said Agnus. ‘Because yours will be as ugly as sin, just like its daddy…’
‘Well, that’s where you’re wrong, Agnus Cohan, because Sister Luke said that my baby could have died when I fell down those stairs, instead it was saved by our Blessed Lord, which means he has something special mapped out for it.’
‘Like what?’ asked Agnus.
‘Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s destined to be Pope, or a film star. Or…’
‘A farmer,’ butted in Agnus. ‘Like its gobshite of a father!’
‘Well, if mine’s going to be as ugly as sin then yours is going to be even uglier. Now I come to think about it, your feller had a terrible spotty face, like great festering boils, they were.’
‘Enough, girls!’ I said, laughing. ‘All babies are beautiful and I’m sure yours will be gorgeous altogether.’
‘Don’t be holding your breath, Orla,’ whispered Agnus, grinning mischievously.
I could have stayed quite happily at the convent forever. I worked hard to pay for my keep and once my work was done, I spent all my time caring for Nora. I had no desire to go anywhere else. Maybe Mother Ignatius would let me stay here? A week later, she called me into her office. ‘Bring Nora with you,’ she said.
When I walked into the office there was a woman sitting at the desk. She stood up as I entered.
‘Cissy, this is Mrs Grainger.’
The women was shorter than me. She was wearing a black fitted suit with a long and narrow skirt, ending just above her slim ankles. The jacket was nipped in at the waist and there was silver button detail on the cuffs. She looked very rich and very sure of herself.
My arms tightened around Nora. ‘I haven’t changed my mind,’ I said quickly.
‘That’s not why I’m here, dear,’ she said gently.
‘Sit down, Cissy,’ said Mother Ignatius.
I sat down and waited for someone to speak.
‘Mrs Grainger came to see me last week and she is offering to help you.’
‘In what way?’ I said.
‘She is willing to give you a position in her house.’
‘But what about Nora?’
Mrs Grainger smiled at me. ‘Cissy, I was of course very sad when I heard that you had changed your mind about letting me adopt your baby.’
‘I couldn’t help it,’ I said. ‘I’m really sorry.’
‘There is no need to be sorry, you fell in love with your baby and there is nothing more natural than that. Mother Ignatius explained the position you are in and I would really like to help.’
‘And Nora?’ I said again.
‘She will be taken good care of in the nursery.’
‘So, you see, Cissy, Mrs Grainger is offering you a job and your baby will be looked after until such time as you can care for her yourself.’
I couldn’t take it in. I mean, this was what I had hoped for, wasn’t it? To find a job where they would let me keep my baby? So why wasn’t I dancing round Mother Ignatius’s office full of relief and joy?
‘Can I hold her?’ said Mrs Grainger, suddenly.
I didn’t want to hand Nora over, but I nodded and passed the sleeping baby into her arms. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked down at her. ‘She’s beautiful, Cissy,’ she said, so softly I could barely hear her. I watched as she smoothed Nora’s little head. ‘I really would like to help, you know.’ She handed Nora back to me. ‘Take your time, Cissy, please don’t think I’m rushing you.’
After she’d left the room, I walked across to the window and watched as the chauffeur helped her into the car and drove away down the drive.
I know I should have jumped at the chance. It was a godsend, a way to keep Nora, but I couldn’t understand why anyone would be so kind to someone they didn’t know.
‘Well, what do you think?’ said Mother Ignatius, coming back into the room.
‘Why would she do this for me?’
‘Because she’s a kind lady, Cissy, who has known heartache.’
‘What sort of heartache?’
‘She has lost three babies, she carried the last one to seven months. She and her husband have had to accept that they will never have a child of their own. She has made a commitment to our Blessed Lord to help those less fortunate than herself.’
I looked down at Nora, who was still fast asleep. We would both have a home, we would be safe. I wished Rose was there to talk to.
‘Well?’ said Mother Ignatius.
‘I’ll think about it, Mother.’
‘Good girl,’ she said, smiling. ‘Now pass me that beautiful baby, I’m in desperate need of a cuddle.’
Chapter Forty-Seven
I looked around the bedroom one last time. There was a part of me that didn’t want to leave. I’d been happy here, I’d been loved and taken care of. I hadn’t expected to make friends and yet Rose and May and Sally had become dear to me and I’d never forget them. I had also grown fond of Orla and Agnus. I was walking into the unknown and I was anxious and worried.
But alongside that fear was the thought that today I would at last have my child in my arms again. I would see her little face and breathe in the sweetness of her.
I hadn’t seen Nora for a week and when I’d handed her over to Mrs Grainger it had felt as if someone had put their hand inside my heart and ripped it from my body. She’d arrived and taken Nora away. I knew that I would see her again but that was no comfort to me. I had held my baby every single day since she’d been born, I could s
till feel the beat of her heart against mine. I was lost without her. To think that I’d never wanted her, how could I have thought that? How could I have not known that this tiny scrap of a person would become my whole world?
Mrs Grainger had been adamant about me not feeding her. I tried giving Nora a bottle, even though my breasts were full and aching, but she wouldn’t take it and she screamed and wriggled in my arms.
‘It’s because she can smell your milk, Cissy,’ said Sister Gertrude. ‘I’m afraid the Sisters will have to feed her.’
I broke my heart crying in Mother Ignatius’s office. ‘I don’t understand, Mother,’ I said. ‘What difference does it make to Mrs Grainger whether I feed Nora or not? And why couldn’t I leave with Nora?’
‘I know it seems harsh, Cissy, but she doesn’t want the staff to know that you have had a baby out of wedlock. She doesn’t want them gossiping behind your back and making things difficult for you. If you and Nora had arrived at the house on the same day, they might well have put two and two together and realised she was your child. Mrs Grainger is a good woman and her only thought is to protect you. You have to trust that she has yours and the baby’s best interests at heart.’
‘But aren’t they going to wonder why there is suddenly a child in the house?’
‘They had been made aware that Mrs Grainger was adopting a baby, so it will come as no surprise to them. This is your best chance, Cissy, and I for one am very grateful to her. You don’t come across unconditional kindness like this every day of the week.’
Maybe I was a wicked girl but I couldn’t help but think that Mother Ignatius had never had a child of her own and had no idea what I was feeling.
‘But doesn’t that mean that she is passing off Nora as her own baby?’ I said.
‘Oh no, I’m sure that is not the case. We must have faith, Cissy.’
Sister Luke came into the bedroom. ‘Are you all packed and ready, Cissy?’
