by Sandy Taylor
She put her arms around me again. ‘This will always be your home, Cissy, and you will always be welcome here.’
I’d forgotten how kind the nuns were; they made you feel as if you were family. I’d heard horror stories about places run by nuns who were cruel to the young girls in their care but I’d been lucky. These women practiced the word of God in everything they did, without a word of judgement passing their lips.
I waited in Mother Ignatius’s office while Sister Luke fetched her from the sitting room. I stood at the window looking down on the garden. There were a couple of young girls I didn’t recognise huddled together on the bench. They reminded me of my friends and how we used to be. I hoped they were all happy now.
‘Ah, Cissy,’ said Mother Ignatius, coming into the room. I walked towards her and she held me in her arms.
‘What a lovely surprise and on God’s birthday too. Sit down, sit down.’
As I sat down, I could feel hot tears stinging behind my eyelids.
‘You are troubled, child,’ said Mother Ignatius. ‘Are you not happy in your new job?’
I rubbed at my eyes. ‘It’s not the job, Mother, it’s Mrs Grainger.’
‘Is she not kind to you, Cissy?’
‘She won’t let me see Nora.’
Mother Ignatius shook her head, ‘She won’t let you see your baby?’
‘No, I have to sneak up to the nursery when she’s not around. I would never have gone there if I’d known.’
‘And I wouldn’t have sent you. You have me very surprised, Cissy, she seemed to genuinely have your best interests at heart.’
‘I have to get away from there, Mother. I have to get away as soon as ever I can.’
‘Yes, I can see that and I will do what I can to help you. Can you bear to be patient while I make enquiries?’
I nodded.
‘Is Nora safe, Cissy?’
‘Yes, Mother, she has a nanny looking after her and a lovely nursery with yellow walls and a gold rug. But it should be me looking after her, shouldn’t it?’
‘Yes, it should. She is depriving you of your child and in my book that is cruel beyond belief. And it is not what we agreed. Our convent is full to bursting at the moment but if Nora wasn’t safe, I would fit you in somewhere.’
‘She’s safe, Mother, or I wouldn’t be there.’
‘Leave it with me, Cissy. I promise that I will find somewhere for you and Nora.’
‘Thank you, Mother. Thank you.’
‘Take heart now, child, and with God’s help we will get you out of there as soon as we can. Shall we go into the chapel and light a candle?’
I nodded. ‘I’d like that, Mother.’
I felt at peace, kneeling next to Mother Ignatius, watching the candles flickering away in front of the statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary. You’re a mother, I said in my mind, so you will understand what I’m going through. Please help Iggy to find a safe place for me and Nora. It doesn’t have to be a posh place like St John’s Wood, or Bretton Hall. Just a place where we can be together every day. Happy Christmas, Mary, and a happy birthday to your son. Amen.
Winter gave way to spring and I still hadn’t heard anything from Mother Ignatius, but I knew that she would be looking for a place for us to stay. The change in the weather gave me an unexpected opportunity to see Nora since now that the weather was warmer, Betsy took her out in her pram every afternoon.
I had to wait until my day off to ‘accidentally’ bump into them. I saw them leave, then followed them to the park. Once Betsy was settled on a bench by the swings, I went over to Nora. My eyes were on the cream pram that she was absent-mindedly rocking to and fro. Every nerve in my body was screaming at me to reach into the pram and pick my baby up, but I didn’t want to alarm either of them.
‘Hello, Betsy,’ I said. ‘Didn’t expect to find you here.’
She looked up. ‘Oh, hello, Cissy.’
‘Taking the baby for a stroll?’
She nodded. ‘Mrs Grainger says that Charlotte needs to get out into the fresh air as much as she can. Nanny Price can’t take her because of her legs.’
‘It’s nice for you to get out though, isn’t it?’
‘It’s nice for me to get away from Nanny Bloody Price, the lousy old dragon!’
‘Don’t you get on with her then?’
‘She has it in for me, Cissy. I can’t do anything right. She says I’m stupid and I’ll never amount to anything. I wish I could work in the kitchen. I like Mrs Dobbs, she’s always been kind to me.’
‘Have you spoken to Mrs Grainger about it?’
‘I couldn’t do that, I’d lose my job for sure. It’s not everyone that would take me on, I was lucky to get this position. I don’t even like kids that much.’
Just then Nora started to whimper. Betsy ignored her. ‘I’ll take her for a walk around the park if you like, give you a bit of a break,’ I said.
‘Would you?’
‘Of course.’
Suddenly Betsy looked doubtful. ‘I’ve been given strict instructions never to let her out of my sight.’
‘I expect they were worried about strangers taking her, but I’m not a stranger, am I?’
‘Of course you’re not, but don’t go far, will you?’
‘I’ll just go for a little stroll.’
I stood up and took hold of the pram before she changed her mind. ‘You have a rest, Betsy,’ I said, smiling at her.
‘Thanks, Cissy.’
I wheeled the pram away from her and once she was out of sight, I took Nora out and sat down on the grass. ‘Hello, my beautiful girl,’ I said, gently touching her face. A thought went through my head to run with her now, but then I thought of Betsy, who would certainly lose her job. And I needed a proper plan. If Nora was being neglected, it would be different – I’d take her and not give Betsy another thought – but she wasn’t, she was growing and she was being cared for. No, I’d wait until Mother Ignatius found us a place. I just hoped it would be soon.
Chapter Fifty
Two weeks later, Mrs Dobbs walked into the kitchen with a face like thunder; she had been called upstairs to see Mrs Grainger.
‘What’s wrong?’ I said.
‘You’ll find out soon enough, Cissy. She wants to see you next.’
I washed my hands, took off my apron and went upstairs, wondering what this was all about.
Mrs Grainger was standing by the window. She turned and smiled at me as I entered the drawing room. ‘I got Mrs Cornish to bring us some tea and biscuits,’ she said. ‘You would like a biscuit, wouldn’t you, Cissy?’
She hadn’t offered me tea the last time I’d been summoned to the drawing room, let alone a biscuit. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time she’d spoken to me and here she was offering me tea and biscuits as if we were best friends. I hoped she wasn’t going to ask me to give Nora up because if she was, she could keep her tea and biscuits, thank you very much. ‘That would be lovely,’ I replied.
‘Sit down, dear.’
I sat on the sofa and waited while she poured the tea into two china cups. ‘Help yourself to a biscuit, Cissy.’
I didn’t feel a bit like eating but I thought I’d better take one. ‘Thank you,’ I said.
‘Yesterday, I was privy to a very unfortunate incident.’
‘Were you?’ I asked feebly.
‘Nanny Price and Betsy were having a heated argument in the nursery and Charlotte was crying and very obviously upset by it. I spoke to Nanny Price and told her in no uncertain terms that this was not acceptable behaviour in front of the baby. Her response was that she couldn’t work with Betsy another minute and was threatening to walk out if something wasn’t done about it. I then spoke to Betsy, who said that Nanny Price bullied her and she expressed a wish to work in the kitchen. So, what I am suggesting, Cissy, and only if you are agreeable of course, is that the best way forward would be for you girls to swap positions.’
My heart was thumping out of my chest. ‘You me
an I would work in the nursery?’
‘You like children, don’t you, Cissy?’
I was beginning to think that Mrs Grainger was mad or daft or both – had she forgotten that Nora was mine? ‘Yes, Mrs Grainger,’ I said. ‘I like children very much.’
‘That’s settled then. I suggest you pack up your things and take them to the nursery, where you will sleep from now on.’
I stopped halfway down the stairs and leaned against the wall. I was going to be able to see Nora every day, every single day; it was a dream come true. I remembered that when I had gone back to visit the convent I had lit a candle to the Blessed Virgin Mary. This was exactly what I had asked her for, to be able to see my child every day. ‘Thanks, Mary,’ I whispered, running down the stairs. ‘It was awful good of ya.’
When I walked into the kitchen, Mrs Dobbs was complaining bitterly to Maggie. ‘I’m to be given that fool of a girl who’s neither use nor ornament and I’m to lose Cissy.’
‘Betsy likes you, Mrs Dobbs,’ I said gently.
‘And I like her well enough, but at a distance, not in my kitchen.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You have nothing to be sorry about, Cissy. This is not your fault and I have to say I’ll miss you, girl. We were a nice little team.’
‘I’ll miss you an’ all,’ said Maggie.
‘And you, having to work in the nursery with that puffed-up Nanny Price, who’s lazy as the day is long.’
‘Mrs Grainger didn’t give me much choice, Mrs Dobbs, and I can’t afford to lose my job.’
‘Of course you can’t and she shouldn’t have put you in that position.’
‘I’ll get my things and move them to the nursery,’ I said, trying to look upset about it.
‘Bloody hell!’ said Maggie. ‘I’m going to have to share a bedroom with her?’
‘I suppose so,’ I said. ‘I’m really sorry, Maggie.’
‘Like Mrs Dobbs said, it’s not your fault.’
And so, my life changed. Nanny Price was delighted to let me take over Nora’s care and I couldn’t have been happier. I washed her, I fed her and I got up to her during the night. Those quiet moments when the house was silent were precious. As she stared up at me in the half-light of dawn, I talked to her about Ireland and the mammy and the granddaddy. I told her about Colm and Blue and my dog Buddy and I described the little white cottage in Paradise Alley.
She stared up at me as if she understood every word I was saying. My baby would never meet the people I loved, or the town where I was born but I wanted her to know where she came from. She was getting to know me all over again and her smile when she saw my face made up for all the months we’d been apart. Talking about my home made me miss it even more. I dreamed about sitting beside the fire in the cottage with Nora in my arms. I knew that Mammy would love her just as much as I did. There were times when I was tempted to write and tell her everything. My mammy was a strong woman, she wouldn’t care what people thought, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt she would write back and tell me to come home. Then a picture of Colm’s face would come into my head: I couldn’t do that to him, I couldn’t break the heart of the boy I loved.
‘You’ll make a lovely little mother, Cissy,’ said Nanny Price one day. ‘Which is more than could be said for that Betsy girl. It’s easy to see that Charlotte loves you.’
I wondered what she’d say if she knew that I was already a mother – and that Charlotte was Nora, and that she was mine.
Day by day, my daughter was growing more beautiful. She was six months old and getting bigger and stronger. Her little hand would reach out for things, like the buttons on my dress. I would lay down with her on the gold rug and watch as she kicked her chubby little legs. I told her stories and recited bits of poetry that I remembered from the book that Peter Bretton had given me. Nora wanted no one but me, she screamed on the rare occasions when Nanny Price picked her up, which made the older woman cross. Sometimes Mrs Grainger came into the nursery and Nora would give her the same treatment.
‘I think Charlotte is getting too close to you, Cissy,’ Mrs Grainger said one day as Nora screamed and struggled on her lap, reaching her little arms out to me.
‘Oh, she’s like that with me sometimes as well,’ I said.
‘Is she?’
‘Oh yes, especially when she’s tired, she’s probably tired now.’
‘She’s right, you know, Cissy,’ said Nanny Price, when Mrs Grainger left the room. ‘I’ve been thinking that myself. You’re not going to be with her forever. You have to ask yourself, is it fair on the child?’
‘You are probably right, Nanny Price,’ I said, but what I thought was, oh yes, I will, I will be with her forever.
Chapter Fifty-One
It had been a year since I’d left Ireland and I knew that Mammy and Colm would soon be expecting me back. I dreading writing the letter to say that I had decided to stay in England and that I was never coming home. Once they knew, I would stop all contact with them. It was going to break my heart as well as theirs but I had to put Nora first. Mammy had Mr Collins and Colm would soon find someone to love him. He deserved to be loved and if God was good, maybe one day I would be loved like that again, but for now all I needed was Nora.
Nanny Price was delighted to have me in the nursery and I was delighted to be with my baby every day. Once Nora was asleep, I would go down to the kitchen to see my friends. One day, I walked in and was surprised to see Betsy, sleeves rolled up, making pastry.
‘Mrs Dobbs is learnin’ me how to make an apple pie,’ she said, grinning.
‘Teaching, Betsy, I’m teaching you how to make an apple pie.’
‘Ain’t that what I said?’
‘No, Betsy, it ain’t what you said but never mind, you’re doing a good job.’
‘How’s Charlotte?’ said Betsy.
‘Growing,’ I said.
‘I didn’t think I’d miss her, but I do. I don’t miss Nanny Price though,’ she said, making a face.
‘She’s not so bad,’ I said.
‘I don’t suppose she hates you like she hated me.’
‘I’m glad you’re happier down here.’
‘Oh, I am, Cissy. You don’t hate me, do you, Mrs Dobbs?’
‘No, Betsy, I don’t hate you. You’re a bit of a dilly sometimes but you’re a good girl.’
I was glad that Betsy was happier now and that Mrs Dobbs was kind to her. And despite her concerns, Betsy seemed to be working well in the kitchen.
Mrs Grainger continued to be friendly. I still didn’t know why she’d changed towards me but I didn’t care. Whatever her reasons might have been for this change of heart, I was more than happy to go along with it. I knew that Mother Ignatius wouldn’t let me down and I would soon be leaving this house with my baby, never to return.
I was sitting opposite Mrs Grainger now in the drawing room.
‘I’ve been hearing good reports about you from Nanny Price, Cissy. It seems you have a way with children.’
I sat quietly and waited for her to continue.
‘That’s why I feel confident in asking this of you.’
‘Asking what?’ I said.
‘A dear friend of mine is in need of a nanny.’
‘But I’m happy here.’
‘I know you are and I am happy to have you here, Cissy, but this wouldn’t be permanent, she only needs you for a couple of weeks.’
‘Why?’
‘The girl she has working for her is Irish. It seems her father is dying and she needs to go home. Mrs Cushman has just had a baby and she is going to need some help. You would be doing her and me a huge favour and I’m assured that you will be well paid for your trouble.’
‘Does she live far from here?
‘She lives on the coast in Brighton.’
I knew that Nora would be well taken care of while I was away. Mrs Grainger had never charged me for her care, so maybe this was the least I could do for her.
‘I’d be
happy to help,’ I said.
‘Thank you, Cissy, she’ll be delighted. I will put you on the train myself and you will be met at the other end. Think of it as a little holiday.’
‘I will,’ I said.
‘And thank you, Cissy.’
I ran downstairs to tell the girls. I was halfway down when I met Maggie running up. ‘There’s a nun in the kitchen, asking to see you, Cissy.’
Sister Luke was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking tea. She stood up and enfolded me in her arms.
‘Ah, there you are, Cissy,’ said Mrs Dobbs. ‘Sister Luke here wants a word with you. You can use my sitting room, it will be more private.’
‘Thank you, Mrs Dobbs,’ said Sister Luke. ‘And thank you for the grand cup of tea, I was parched.’
‘You’re very welcome, Sister,’ said Mrs Dobbs.
‘I have news, Cissy,’ said Sister Luke, once we were in Mrs Dobbs’ sitting room.
‘You’ve found me somewhere to live?’
‘How would you like to work at St Steven’s?’
‘The orphanage?’
‘Yes, the Sisters would love to have you both there, Cissy.’
I put my head in my arms and wept but they were tears of pure joy. It was the next best thing to going home, Nora and I would be safe and loved. I felt in that moment that the weight of the world had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders.
Yes, I was grateful to Mrs Grainger for letting me work in the nursery and I loved looking after my baby but I couldn’t claim her as my own. I couldn’t even call her by her rightful name, it was only in the night when we were alone that I could call her Nora.
Sister Luke put her arms around me. ‘God is good, Cissy,’ she said. ‘God is good.’
‘I don’t know how to thank you and the Sisters.’
‘Mother was trying very hard to find a place that would take you and the child but she was having no luck. It was Sister Mary who came up with the idea of you working at St Steven’s. It was the most enlightening thing that Sister Mary has come up with in her entire time at the convent, I think she even surprised herself.’
‘Well, I’m grateful to her.’
