She was being kind. It was just like her to look out for me and try to spare my feelings.
“Liz, I've heard the rumors, you don't have to soften the blow.” I chuckled as I sat across from her. “It ranges from Austin taking advantage of me the night of the dance, to me taking advantage of him. I even heard one that about me being pregnant and Austin trying to force me to get an abortion.”
“Why aren't you trying to stop any of it?” Liz balled her fists in dismay. She didn’t seem to lend even an ounce of credibility to the crap she’d heard. She’d always been my most staunch defender. “Why are you letting them say such awful things about you?”
“They're just words.” I shrugged and opened my bottle of water. “Austin and I know what really happened between us and that's all that matters. If I sit there and try to defend myself to everyone, they're just going to think I've got something to hide. Everyone will get bored and stop talking about me in a few days.” This wasn’t the first time I’d been the subject of malicious rumors, and it almost certainly wouldn’t be the last.
There was no way I was going to give them power over me.
“So, are you gonna tell me the whole story then?” Liz raised an eyebrow and looked at me pointedly.
“Yes, but not here. I'll tell you after school.” My gaze snapped up and locked onto Austin and Logan as they walked across the grass toward our table. I quickly started to climb to my feet. “I’ve gotta go.”
“Kim, you can't keep avoiding him,” Liz said as I started to walk away. “Logan and I...we're pretty serious. Austin is his best friend and you're mine. If you run off every time he shows up, things are gonna get weird. Unless...you've got a reason for avoiding him...”
The tone in her voice made it clear what she was implying.
“No! God, no. It's nothing like that,” I reassured her with a laugh. “I doubt Austin has the balls for something like that.”
“Then why?” Liz quickly rose from her seat and circled to my side. “Tell me something, Kim. Let me help you.”
“I just...” I felt my heart flutter weakly in my chest and my eyes stung a little. I swallowed back the tightness in my throat. “He hurt me, Liz. Not...not physically. Just...” I shook my head. “I made it crystal clear that I liked him, and I thought he liked me back, but he kept sending out mixed signals. I felt like he was just stringing me along. Then he asked me to the winter formal and I thought...finally I was gonna get a straight answer out of him.”
“Did you?” Liz asked quietly.
“While the rest of you started slipping away with your dates, Austin just kept procrastinating and drinking whatever was in that flask Bryant smuggled in. By the time I managed to drag him away from the party, he was drunk. He passed out on the bed as soon as we got to the room.”
I willed away the tears that were threatening to spill down my cheeks and ruin my mascara. God forbid Kim Curtner start crying in public. I had an image to maintain.
“Kim, why didn't you just say that?” Liz gave me a reassuring squeeze.
“Because I felt like an ass,” I said without hesitation. “He humiliated me. Me. Kim fucking Curtner. The girl that guys have been falling over since sixth grade. I thought Austin was going to be different. He didn't seem like the guys that were after me just for my body. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was connecting with a guy on a deeper level than that. But he just… I don’t know” I let my hands fall to my sides and shook my head in frustration. “So that's why I let the rumors go, because whatever those assholes come up with on their own has got to be better than what really happened.”
I glanced back over my shoulder. Logan and Austin were a lot closer now, and they'd both seen me. I'm not one to run in fear, but I'm definitely not going to grace him with my presence either.
“I'll talk to you later, Liz.” I turned and started walking back toward the school.
“What about lunch?” she called after me with concern.
“I'm not hungry.” For the last several years, I'd spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about her. Now, in just a few short weeks, our roles had been completely switched. I could feel her gaze following me as I made my escape. I didn't want her worrying about me. She had earned the right to live a happy life without my drama.
I felt bad for just walking off like that, but I didn't want to give Austin a chance to say anything. If I gave him too much time, paid too much attention, thought about him too much, I was certain my heart would shatter all over again. I'd finally reached a point where I wasn't yearning after him day and night. It wouldn't take much for all that hard work to come undone.
And my waistline wouldn't forgive me if I let that happen.
16
I avoided Liz and the others for the rest of the day. It wasn't fair to Liz, but wherever her boyfriend was, Austin wasn't far behind. I wasn't about to walk the halls of the school alone though. I was a lot of things, but a loner wasn't one of them.
So I wedged myself in the middle of the odd triad that had formed as a result of the winter formal; Adam, Bryant, and Allie.
Adam was gay and closeted. He seemed to prefer to avoid the drama that coming out would've caused him right now. To say his parents wouldn't understand would be putting it mildly. His family was well bred, and he was definitely expected to carry on the Fischer name into the next generation with a woman. He was playing it cool for now, but I was pretty sure he was planning on coming out after high school was over when he no longer had to rely on his parents for support.
Bryant, on the other hand, rarely spoke about his family situation. I honestly didn't know much about him except that he was absolutely, one hundred percent, determined to stay in the closet at all costs. Well, that, and he looked at Adam with such doe-eyed adoration it made my heart melt.
Then there was Allie.
She was Adam's younger sister, the same age as me and Liz. She'd had an enormous crush on Bryant before finding out he was not only gay but also kinda-sorta dating her brother. True to her nature, Allie was nothing but supportive of their relationship. She posed as Bryant's date to the winter formal while Adam acted as their chaperone. It may not have been the perfect arrangement, but it gave Adam and Bryant the opportunity to dance next to each other as a group without raising any eyebrows.
However, the ruse apparently continued long after the dance ended.
The three of them seemed happy with their little conspiracy and generally wandered the halls of the school side-by-side. Their closeness drew some stares and the occasional whispered rumor, but most people didn't suspect the truth behind their relationship.
Of course, they were still part of our little circle of friends. Which meant there was always the chance Austin would show up and start chatting to one of them. For the most part, he seemed to take the hint and avoided us as we met up in the halls between classes.
I did feel a little guilty about the void our awkwardness had created in the group. If it hadn’t been for the uncomfortable atmosphere, I'm pretty sure we all would've wound up back at my place for pizza and a movie. Now that we were all back at school, it seemed like the obvious way to hang out.
I still wanted to ask Liz over, but I was pretty sure she and Logan were attached at the hip now. It felt wrong to try and separate them even if only for a few hours. As happy as I was for her, I already missed our frequent sleepovers. I felt like I was losing my greatest confidant. Sadly, she didn't seem to even notice we were growing apart.
Not that I blamed her.
Her boyfriend was smoking hot and definitely head-over-heels for her. As I left school, I caught sight of her hopping into Logan's car with a rapturous smile on her face. It was nice to finally see her so happy.
“Why don't you come over tonight?” I asked Allie as I headed toward the parking lot with her, Bryant, and Adam. “We can order takeout or something.”
“I would love to, but I don't think I can.” Allie shifted her backpack and gave me a little frown. “Um...”
she dropped her voice and pulled me closer so she could whisper in my ear. “Bryant and Adam are going on a date, and I need to be there as cover.”
I nodded in understanding, and my eyes flicked up to Adam.
When he glanced at me, I offered him an approving grin. “You guys have fun tonight, okay?”
I gave Allie a hug and turned away before anyone could see how disappointed I really was.
Maddie, my parents' housekeeper and my sometime surrogate parent, was waiting for me in the parking lot. She drove me home without a word, just as she had done almost every day for the majority of my life. No questions asked, no judgments passed. Still, there were times when I wished she'd say something, anything.
It was hard for me to watch my friends split off in different directions. I had gathered a group of people around me that I enjoyed hanging out with, and now, in what felt like an instant, everyone's lives were pulling us apart. No one seemed to have time for me anymore.
And this riff with Austin wasn't helping matters much either.
When the car pulled down the street of my upscale neighborhood, I caught myself looking toward our driveway with anticipation. I was crestfallen before Maddie even turned the car off. My parents weren't home.
As usual.
What most teenagers would probably be happy about pushed me even further into a funk, and my reaction surprised me a little bit. I usually didn’t look forward to seeing them anymore. I'd gotten so used to them being away that it was more normal for them to not be around than to be home. They were both doctors with demanding careers. When they weren't pulling long shifts at the hospital, they were traveling to universities and conferences across the country to give lectures. Their jobs paid well, of course, but that came at a price. They were gone all the time and didn’t get to enjoy their family or the amazing house they built in a great neighborhood.
I had all the best clothes, got my hair and nails done weekly, and never wanted for anything. But the loneliness felt heavier than ever before.
There were no reasons for me to feel the way I did. I had everything anyone could want and what most people would consider to be a perfect life.
And I still wasn’t satisfied.
That made me feel even worse because it just proved I was a selfish person. For Liz, her life had been shit since the day she was born to a teen mom. The stories she was willing to share had given me nightmares, and I knew the ones she wasn’t willing to share were a thousand times worse. More than once, I was terrified she'd wind up dead thanks to the volatile home life she had.
Yet, somehow, she managed to push through it. She was a sweet, kind, caring individual. She helped raise her younger siblings and took great effort to reinvent herself despite the negative atmosphere she was constantly surrounded by.
If she could find happiness despite all that crap bringing her down, then why couldn't I? Why hadn’t I?
I entered the house and didn't even bother calling out to my parents. I could smell dinner cooking in the kitchen, something Maddie had started before she came to pick me up most likely. To be perfectly honest, I was ravenous, but at the same time, I didn't want to eat.
“I’m not hungry.” I left the front door open for Maddie and went straight for the stairs. “I’ll be down later.”
As soon as the door was shut I began peeling off my school clothes, so I could change into something more comfortable. I paused in front of the mirror and poked at my midsection. My stomach growled loudly in protest of my decision to not eat anything since I’d skipped lunch too.
How many skipped meals would undo the damage I'd done to my body with my emotional binge eating? Ten more? Twenty?
Other than having to always worry about maintaining the perfect look on the outside, there was nothing wrong with my life. Every opportunity had been given to me throughout my life, and I'd been blessed with amazing genes.
What more did I need to do? What more could I do?
My phone buzzed and it was Zach. I considered picking up but knew that wasn’t healthy either. The ski instructor I spent the past few weeks with was only a few years older than me and smoking hot, but I couldn’t run to him when things got tough. Having him as a distraction over the holidays was fine, but I was home now, and I needed to face reality.
Unfortunately.
Things were easy with Zach. I liked him, he liked me. He didn't play games or lead me on. He listened to me ramble about my boy problems and then took me to bed and soothed my heartache. At least for a little while.
Now, the memories were bittersweet.
Nothing between Zach and I would ever be serious. He had a constant supply of cougars and young women signing up to take skiing lessons with him so he didn’t need me. I was just an annual fling, and I knew it was that way since he gave me my first kiss when I was just thirteen years old.
His life was simple and perfect and there was no reason for him to change. He loved the attention he got from the ladies. He showered them with praise for a few days or weeks then he moved on after they went back home.
I understood that and never asked him for more than he wanted to give. When I got to Deer Valley, I thought he was what I needed. But now, I just felt empty and alone. Somehow those shallow, meaningless rendezvous nights served to highlight what I had lost.
“Ugh! Why do my thoughts keep going back to Austin!” I groaned and pulled my hair up into a ponytail. I told myself he was history, but apparently, it wasn’t as easy as I'd hoped to forget about the one guy who actually seemed to see the me inside…the person no one else ever looked for.
He'd really done a number on me.
A squeal and raucous laughter drifted up through my partially cracked bedroom window. I liked my room cold and usually had the window open for a breeze to constantly flow through. Unfortunately, that meant I had to listen to the neighbor kids playing outside when I just wanted to mope in my own drama.
I dragged myself over to the window and looked down into the neighbors' backyard. Their two young children, a boy and a girl, were playing catch by the pool. Their nanny was usually out there with them, but she was nowhere to be seen. The boy, the younger of the two, was teetering closer to the edge as he toddled toward the rolling ball.
My heart rate spiked. Where was that woman? Why were these kids so close to the water without supervision? I didn’t know them well, but I did know Sammy was only two. His sister, Suri, was a few years older but not a strong swimmer. I overheard her father talking to mine at a neighborhood barbecue right before school started. He laughed as he told everyone she was like a rock during her swimming lessons. It had just been a joke at the time, but now it made my pulse race and my blood run cold.
Old memories, ones I’d mostly buried, exploded to the surface. Memories of my sister, Kiley, and the day she died were suddenly front and center in my mind. We’d been so young, and we were just playing a game. I didn’t understand what had happened until my mother yanked Kiley’s lifeless body from the tub as she screamed for help.
The expression of fear and accusation on Mom’s face when she looked at me still chilled me to my core.
That was the day she stopped loving me.
Leaning fully out the window, I called out for the nanny. “Hey, hello! Who’s watching those kids?”
Suri looked up at me briefly but then turned her back to grab another water toy from the lawn.
I clenched my fists and stormed out of my room and down the stairs. “That woman needs to be fired.”
“Everything okay?” Maddie poked her head out of the kitchen as I ran by. Food was laid out on the table despite me saying I wasn’t hungry, but I shook my head and kept going.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” I jogged across the living room to the front door. “I need to go yell at someone for being stupid.”
As soon as I pulled open the front door, I heard a high-pitched scream from next door.
My feet were moving before I could stop them. Without a second to lose, I flew across
the lawn and hopped the short fence into the neighbor’s backyard.
Suri was standing by the edge of the pool screaming as she yelled her brother’s name over and over again. A loose ball floated across the surface of the water, and down at the bottom of the pool was the motionless form of the little boy.
“What’s going on?” The nanny finally appeared with her phone in her hand, looking at me as if I was the problem. “Who are you?”
I didn’t have time to respond before I dove into the pool and swam to him. His tiny body didn’t respond to me when I reached for him, and I was terrified it was too late. With my arms wrapped around him, I pushed off the bottom, rocketing us both to the surface.
As soon as I broke through the water, strong arms lifted him up and laid him on the pool deck. I caught my breath and realized Maddie was there, checking his pulse and rolling up her sleeves.
“I called the paramedics,” she said while I climbed out of the pool beside her. “They’ll be here soon.”
Despite my lungs desperate need for oxygen, I couldn’t breathe as I watched Maddie begin administering CPR to the lifeless little boy before me. I had taken a Red Cross course when I was younger, but it had been a long time and I didn't remember how to adjust the compressions for such a young child.
If I’d tried, I probably would’ve done more harm than good.
“S-Sammy?” I heard Suri sniffle from nearby. “Did I make him dead?”
“Hey, hey...why don’t we go over here and you can tell me what happened?” I gently ushered her toward the deck chairs nearby. As we walked, I sought out the nanny who had sunk to her knees in a daze by the backdoor.
“We were playing,” Suri said as she sat on the deck chair beside me. “I was throwing the ball to Sammy, and I threw it too hard...” Her little face screwed up with the threat of fresh tears. “I didn’t mean to knock him in the water. Is he okay?” She looked up at me with a fear-stricken expression that broke my heart.
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 16
