“Did I do something?” As much as I hated to admit it, I knew I wasn’t perfect. A careless comment, an absentminded action, something I didn’t mean to do could have driven a wedge between us. Or maybe it was my appearance. Not for the first time, I contemplated a complete physical change. Would that make him happy? Would it make him want to stay with me? “I’m gonna start working out again tomorrow.”
“No, Kim. You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t worry about it, okay? It’s something I’ve got to deal with on my own.” I could hear his frustration, and considering we were both tired, I decided not to push it further.
As much as my heart was still aching for Austin Walker and the relationship that could’ve been, it was clear that road was closed to me now. There was no point in pursuing it any longer. We both needed to move on. Even if I felt like I wanted to ugly cry because of it.
“Okay, I get it.” I was really proud of how well I managed to hold back my tears. “I’m sorry, Austin.”
“I am too, Kim.” He sighed and the pain I heard practically reverberated through the phone.
I swallowed hard, needing to be the bigger person here. Whatever was going on with him sounded like it really was about him, not me. I needed to respect his wishes while he dealt with it. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
18
The first day back on friendly terms with Austin was a little uncomfortable, but we quickly adjusted. It felt like all of our friends had breathed a collective sigh of relief that they no longer had to pick sides or tip toe around us. We all went out for dinner at the mall that first night. It was nothing fancy, but it was nice to be together as friends again. Oddly enough, the more time I spent around Austin, the less the break up seemed to hurt. Or maybe I was just better able to ignore the pain better because I wasn't alone all the time.
Either way, things were getting better.
The rumors about Austin and I quickly melted away once he was no longer moping around. Of course, there were some pesky whisperings about how I tried to blackmail the newspaper into singing my praises, but they ultimately went nowhere. Especially after one of the local newspapers printed a story about how I rescued Sammy. By then, I wasn’t as desperate for the kudos, but it was still nice to have a moment of glory. Of all people, the Moorheads were exceedingly grateful and wouldn’t shut up about how my quick thinking saved their son’s life.
When the attention actually got to be too much, I told people it was Maddie who really saved him. I just pulled him out of the water, which was the truth. But my words fell on deaf ears and I was a local heroine for a week or two. For her part, Maddie seemed content to let all the praise shine on me while she stayed in the shadows. It was sweet but getting old.
After the Moorheads fired their nanny, they asked me if I wanted the job. The rate they offered was much higher than most babysitters made, but I declined the job. Between school, yoga, and my newly restored social life, I already felt like I was cramming too much stuff into too little time.
It was tempting to have a purpose that didn’t resolve around myself, but with everything else, I was worried I might get distracted when I should have been watching the kids.
My parents were proud of my accomplishments, from a distance, of course. My mother took me shopping and bought me some new clothes to prove she cared. We didn’t have much of a conversation while we shopped, but that wasn’t anything new. It was just her way. She thought buying me stuff made up for the fact that she couldn’t love me the way a mother should.
It didn’t, but I needed new clothes, so I let her try.
Her insecurity as a mother ensured I was always the best dressed girl in school. I flaunted one of my new outfits the next day. Brown suede booties with black skinny jeans and a loose, white blouse with gold embellishments made me look like I was in college when I walked through the halls of Monta Vista High. I got more than one compliment and a whole host of jealous stares, and that’s just the way I like it. The boys were taking notice again and had their eyes glued to me as I tossed my hair a few times for good measure. Unfortunately, no one made any moves.
I was tainted.
Like someone had told everyone I had the plague, and no matter how good I looked, they couldn't engage with me or they'd get it too. Self-consciously, I went into the bathroom between each class and checked my reflection in the mirror just to make sure I looked good from every angle. Maybe there was something I'd missed. Self-doubt gnawed at my insides and made me feel sick.
Why didn't anyone want me?
After freshening up my makeup again, I gave myself a stern glare to get my shit together. The last thing I wanted was to ruin my face by being too emotional. Smeared mascara was never a good look. As soon as I was satisfied everything was how it should be, I went in search of Liz.
“Hey, Kim.” Liz grinned at me as I joined the crew as they were gathered around the table that had become our traditional meeting place between classes. “We were just talking about our plans for the weekend.”
“Logan’s dad owns a cabin up the coast, and he said we could use it for a few days,” said Allie with excitement in her eyes. “It’s been ages since I’ve been to the beach.”
“We could leave tomorrow after school.” Logan tore open a protein bar. “Austin and I can drive, and I think we’ll have enough room for everyone if we take two cars.”
I smiled but didn’t immediately respond. I loved the coast, and a weekend getaway with my friends sounded like exactly the sort of thing I needed. But...there was no way I'd be able to pull off one of my signature bikinis right now.
“Kim?” Liz nudged me slightly. “I think the rest of us are pretty much on board with it. Are you coming?”
Everyone’s eyes were on me, waiting for my answer. There was no excuse that would get me out of this, not that I really wanted to spend the weekend alone anyway.
“Of course I am.” I dropped onto the bench beside Liz before laughing slightly. “There’s no way I’d let you guys hit the beach without me.” Internally, I was less excited but I didn’t want to be the boring one. I was already considering whether I’d let myself indulge in the junk they would want to eat all weekend or if I could come up with some other excuse. I could always say my mom and I were doing a cleanse. One of those juice only kinda diets. That way I wouldn’t gain any weight from eating and drinking all weekend.
The biggest problem with that was how awful juice cleanses were. I hated skipping meals. I loved food and chowing down with my friends made me happier than I cared to admit. There was no doubt in my mind that the peer pressure would wear down my resolve, and I'd be digging into the potato chips by hour three.
I was already pushing my body to its limits with all the yoga I'd been doing lately. I could probably swap out a couple classes for something more intense, or I could hit the gym. I'd been doing a lot of reading about how lifting was supposedly good for weight loss, and I was willing to try anything.
“Great, we can work out the details after school,” Adam said as he quickly ushered Allie and Bryant along. “We should get to class before the bell rings.”
There were collective groans as everyone began to shuffle off toward their classes.
“Why’d you hesitate?” Liz asked as she shouldered her bag. Our next classes were right next door to each other so we always walked together. “You’ve never been one to pass on a trip like this.”
I immediately felt shallow for putting so much thought into my physical appearance. I didn't want Liz to know what I was really worrying about. Until this last school year, she'd always struggled with her weight. As part of her effort to take control of her life, she'd put in a lot of work over the summer and slimmed way down. For her, she just needed to get past some of the shit in her life that was holding her back.
I didn’t think it would be as easy for me.
She had always been gorgeous, and I'd always been the first one to tell her that, but all her work had de
finitely paid off. I, on the other hand, had always been thin. I never really worried about my weight until now, and I felt like a hypocrite for being so obsessed about it after being Liz's “healthy image” champion for so long.
“It’s, ya know, just that time of the month.” I hated lying to her, but there was no way I could be completely honest. “Bikinis and swimming are pretty much out of the question for me right now.”
“Aww...don’t worry about that. I’ll keep you company. I don’t intend to go swimming. It’s too chilly this time of year.” She grinned at me. “I’m glad you decided to come though. It wouldn’t be the same without you there.”
I forced a smile I was sure she’d believe. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
As soon as school let out on Friday, we loaded up into Austin and Logan’s cars and hit the road. While Austin and I were on speaking terms again, I still kept him at arm’s length. There was no need to torture myself any more than necessary. Which is why I hopped into Logan’s car when it came time to split up. Allie, Bryant, and Adam rode with Austin.
I briefly wondered how long the three of them were going to continue their ruse. Allie was only pretending to be Bryant’s girlfriend so they could all hang out without rumors. Eventually, she was going to get bored of being the third wheel on all their dates, wasn’t she?
We stopped at a grocery store and picked up provisions for the weekend. We’d already divided up cooking duties and everyone planned to prepare something amazing when it was their turn to cook. It sounded like an ungodly amount of carbs and processed food was on the menu for the weekend, which meant I needed to do something drastic.
I slipped away from everyone else and made sure none of them were looking as I neared the pharmacy section. While everyone else was off buying junk food on the other side of the store, I searched the shelves for my secret weapon.
Thankfully, it didn't take me long to find what I was looking for. They were prominently placed in the middle of an aisle near a bunch of other vitamin supplements. The bright labels promising “rapid weight loss” and “appetite suppression” made it difficult to figure out exactly which one I should get. I still wanted to be able to eat and enjoy my time with my friends, so appetite suppression wasn't a feature I needed. But I didn’t want the calories to stay with me.
After a few minutes of browsing, I narrowed my options down to two.
Where are you? Liz’s text almost made me jump out of my skin. I want you to help me pick dinner.
I’ll be there in a minute. My heart was pounding as I turned back to the shelf of diet pills. I didn't have time to agonize over the decision any longer, so I grabbed both bottles that looked interesting and went straight to the checkout line.
The woman who rang up my purchases gave me a disapproving look that I tried to ignore. Diet pills weren't controlled substances, so it's not like she could really stop me from buying them. But she was judging me. I hated that feeling, and it made me even more self-conscious about what I was doing.
As soon as I got through the line, I tucked the bottles into my purse so none of my friends would see them and headed in search of Liz.
I barely got ten feet before I ran into Austin.
“Did you finish shopping already?” he asked, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Of course not,” I said with a little laugh. He must've seen me in line at the checkout...or maybe he spotted me over in the pharmacy section. I had no way of knowing exactly how much he saw, so I decided to double down on my previous lie. “If you must know, I needed to pick up some supplies...for girl related issues.”
Austin frowned, and I could tell he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.
I grinned and decided to go for broke. “Period stuff, Austin. I needed some painkillers for my period. If you need proof, I can show you.” I reached into my purse, rattling the pill bottles loudly as I did.
“N-no, that's fine.” Austin immediately blushed out to his ears and recoiled. “I didn't realize...” His voice trailed off and he cleared his throat. “Anyway, we can share my cart if you want.” He gestured to the shopping cart beside him. He'd already picked up a few items, but nothing that really looked like it might make up a meal.
“You have no idea what you're going to make, do you?” I asked as I approached the cart and peered down at the assortment of snack items.
“I mean...” He sighed and shook his head. “No, not really.”
“Okay, well, I need to go help Liz pick some stuff out, but if you want to tag along, we'll get you something too.” I grinned at him, grateful for the distraction. He made everything feel normal, better.
“Yeah, okay,” Austin agreed. “Let's go.
The shopping trip took longer than everyone had anticipated. Apparently, despite everyone agreeing to share the cooking duties, no one had really thought through what they were going to make. But after some roaming up and down aisles, we got there in the end.
As soon as we were stocked, we continued our trek up the coast.
For the next several hours, we sang along to the radio and enjoyed the scenic hills and valleys. By the time we finally pulled off the highway, it was dark out. We passed through a small town a few miles before turning heading down a forested access road. I craned my neck expectantly, hoping to catch a glimpse of the cabin in the darkness. Logan had showed us pictures on his phone which only made us even more excited to see it in person.
Through the growing canopy of trees, I could see the silhouette of a large building in the distance. This beach house was bigger than I’d expected. It wasn’t a cabin as much as it was a quaint, two story house with powder blue exterior paint, white shutters, and a yellow front door.
As soon as the engines were off, we all tumbled out of the vehicles, stretching and groaning from being cramped up in the cars for so long.
“How’re you doing?” Liz asked me conspiratorially as she slipped an arm around my shoulders. Everyone else was busy unloading the cars while Logan unlocked the house.
“I feel fine, actually.” I shrugged and gave her a smile. “No cramps, nothing. Maybe this one will be mild.”
“That's the dream, isn't it? Well, let me know if you need anything.” Liz gave me a little squeeze. “I brought extra ‘supplies’ just in case. And by supplies, I mean chocolate.”
I laughed and shrugged her off me. “Let’s get this stuff unpacked. I’m starving.”
We carried everything inside and quickly divided up the four bedrooms. Liz and Logan took one, obviously, but after that things got a little more complicated. We had all assumed Bryant and Adam would take one of the other rooms, then Allie and I would share a room, and Austin would have one to himself.
“I’m just saying I don’t think I’m ready,” Bryant said as I carried the last of my suitcases into the house. “You know how hard this is for me.”
“I know, babe,” Adam said as he hugged his boyfriend. It was nice they were able to express themselves more openly up here, far away from anyone who might know their families. “We’re not gonna do anything. We talked about this already. We’ll just sleep. Together.”
Bryant was as red as a tomato as he looked at each of us and then back at Adam. He was embarrassed about having an audience for their conversation. He'd been living in the closet and never even considered coming out. It wasn't surprising he was having a hard time with this.
“Why don’t we switch things up a little, okay?” I clapped my hands to try and draw everyone’s attention to me. “Adam, why don’t you and Austin bunk together tonight? Bryant can have the single room while he adjusts to the new environment.”
Adam looked like he was about to protest, but when he shifted his gaze to his slightly terrified boyfriend, he quickly changed his mind. “That’s fine with me, if Austin’s up for it.”
“Yeah, no problem.” Austin nodded in agreement. “There are two beds in that room anyway, so it’s not gonna bother me.”
“How about you, Bryant? Is that
okay?” I turned to him, hoping this would solve some of his concerns.
“Y-yeah, that’s fine. I’m sorry for being so much trouble.” His chin dropped to his chest as he looked down at his feet.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for, babe.” Adam kissed Bryant’s forehead gently. “Whatever you need, you’ve got. We’re all friends here. You don’t have to worry about hiding, but I understand that’s a big change. Just take your time and relax.”
I let out a silent sigh of relief as Bryant nodded his head in understanding. It saddened me to see someone who was clearly in love struggle with so many hang ups about showing even a little affection. Hopefully this trip would help him open up a bit more.
A few minutes later, the house was full of casual conversations as we all began stowing our stuff in our assigned rooms.
Logan sequestered himself in the kitchen to start cooking dinner while the rest of us spread out to explore the house and its immediate vicinity. It was too dark for us to go very far, but we could hear the ocean waves from all the way inside the house. There was some talk of a night swim, but that idea quickly got shot down. It was way too chilly for that.
When dinner was ready, we reconvened around a large table in the dining room.
“This is really great, Logan.” I picked a seat at the end of the table and set my phone down. “Thank you so much for inviting us up.”
“Of course.” He brought out the first platter of chicken and set it in the center of the table. “We should do this more often.”
Everyone was so relaxed and the atmosphere in the air was perfectly peaceful. Hanging out with my friends like this almost made me forget about the nightmares that had been plaguing me since the day I rescued Sammy.
Guilt over her death made it difficult to keep me smiling at times. The fact that it was haunting me so completely twelve years later was strange, but it would probably always haunt me. Even though I was too young to have been able to save her, I would still never forgive myself.
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 18
