“Probably,” Adam shrugged again, but this time he smiled. “I don’t think I could ever be mad at you. Not for something like this anyway. Just...”
“I know,” I quickly replied. “I won’t keep stuff like that from you again.” Relief flooded my veins when Adam reached across the table and squeezed my hand.
“I love you, Bry,” he said softly. “I want us to be able to talk about everything. To be honest with each other. We’ve been through hell these last few months, but when I look at you, I realize there’s no one else I would rather have at my side.”
“I love you too,” I said, trying to smile as my vision blurred. “Now, let’s eat before your sappiness makes me cry.” Adam laughed and gave my hand one last squeeze before sitting back.
“You’re cute even when you’re crying,” Adam teased.
“You’ve never seen me cry,” I retorted. “I’m an ugly crier; red faced and blubbery. It’s awful really.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
“It really is. I avoid it at all costs.” I chuckled as our conversation continued. It wasn’t a deep conversation. I can’t actually remember anything we talked about. What I do remember is that I’d never had a more enjoyable evening out. Everything felt natural to me. I was happy.
I wish it could’ve lasted.
45
July fourth was a pretty big deal at my house. Dad always went overboard with fireworks and Mom went all out on cooking up an amazing lunch. Normally there’d be at least fifty people crowded into our home and backyard. I usually stayed out of the way and tried to avoid other people, but this year I was actually excited about it. This year Adam and his family would be joining us.
I spent all morning helping Mom and Dad as much as possible. I wanted this day to be absolutely perfect. I wasn’t going to let anything stand in the way of that. Especially not my brothers.
Dad mostly kept Eric with him, helping him get the fireworks organized for the evening’s spectacle. His youth corps experience seemed to have helped Eric mature quite a bit in a very short time. He was still abrasive around me, and a little rough around the edges, but we’d managed to have a few civil conversations recently. It gave me hope that the worst was over.
Dean, on the other hand, had been struggling with his recovery. He’d wound up at a casino and called his sponsor to come get him before he did something he’d regret. Still, it was progress and that was a good sign. He managed to get a job as a janitor for the school district. It wasn’t glamorous, but it gave him stability. Of course, the temptation to gamble away the money he was earning was more than he could handle. So he asked Mom for help managing his bank account. She had control of the all the cards, checks, everything, and once a week she’d give him some money that he could spend on whatever he wanted as long as he provided her with receipts showing where the money went. If he had something bigger he wanted to get, she’d go with him to make the purchase.
To some people, it might have sounded like an unnecessary amount of restriction on someone who was an adult. But, Dean’s sponsor actually came over one night and explained to us that he needs the structure and support right now. Eventually he’d be able to handle more responsibility, but right now his impulse control was almost zero. You wouldn’t tempt an alcoholic with a bottle of beer, so why would you tempt a gambling addict with money?
For my part, I tried to be friendly to him but I didn’t really go out of my way either. Like I said, we’d never been particularly close before he moved out. Now that he was back home that wasn’t likely to change.
Which was why I was wary when Dean started helping me set up tables in the backyard.
“Yup, right there,” Dean said as he set down his end of the table we’d been carrying.
I set down my end and gave the table an experimental wiggle.
“See? The ground’s a lot more even over here. It’s not going to rock like it was over there,” he explained.
“I never doubted you,” I said with a chuckle, “I just didn’t want to drag the table all the way across the yard.”
Dean laughed but didn’t immediately say anything. He turned and looked back at the tables and chairs we’d been setting up.
“There’s probably only gonna be like ten people,” he said after a minute. “It’ll be weird to see the yard so empty on the fourth.”
“Yeah, well, that’s all me,” I said with a half-hearted laugh. “Don’t get too close, you might wind up getting dragged to hell with me.” I started back across the yard to retrieve the table cloth that I’d left on the back porch.
“It’s not your fault, y’know?” Dean called after me. “No one blames you for what happened with Mom and Dad’s church.”
I stopped and looked back at him. “I blame me. They’ve been church hopping every Sunday since then. Mom has so much free time on her hands now that she’s not planning stuff for the women’s ministry that I actually caught her channel surfing the other day. When was the last time you saw Mom sit down and watch TV?”
Dean pursed his lips and leaned against the table. “Mom and Dad chose their path. They decided they were going to have kids. They decided they would do anything for us because that’s what parents are supposed to do. So when the time came to make that choice, between supporting you or staying in a Church that would vilify everything about you, they didn’t even have to think about it. They knew the consequences. They knew they would probably lose friends. They did it anyway, because parents are supposed to take care of and support their kids. Don’t try to take that away from them by making it all about you.” He smirked and shook his head. “You never had any reason to hide in the closet, Bry. Mom and Dad were only ever going to take one path.”
I frowned at him. Sure, it was easy for him to say that now that all was said and done. At the time, it may not have been logical, but I had a very real reason to be afraid.
“Anyway, I’m proud of you,” he said after a minute. “I know I haven’t really been the greatest older brother. I’ve messed up pretty badly and I dumped a ton of my issues onto Eric which was shitty of me. But, I’m proud of you for being brave enough to accept that you’re not going to fit in the mold that society made for you.”
“Thanks, I guess,” I said, raising an eyebrow.
“At my meetings, they said we should try to make amends with people we’ve hurt,” Dean explained. “I’ve already talked to Mom and Dad, cried a lot, apologized a lot. I’ve talked to Eric a little too. You’re the only one in the family that I haven’t talked to about this shit yet. I’ve been trying to figure out how to explain myself, but all I can come up with are excuses.”
“You don’t have to say anything, Dean.” I held up my hands as if trying to get him to stop. “It’s all water under the bridge.”
“Maybe...maybe...” Dean’s voice trailed off and he rubbed the back of his head. “The thing is, I do still kind of resent you a little. The toughest thing about your life is that you’re gay, but if you’d just told Mom and Dad from the start you wouldn’t have had anything to worry about...you’ve always towed the line, lived within the rules, been a model child. It made me look bad. Eric too.”
“So...what? You want me to apologize that you were a shitty kid?” I snapped. I was getting a little fed up with Dean’s rambling. He was jumping topics too quickly for me to keep up. First he was proud of me, then he was apologizing, now he was saying I made his life difficult and that my rough experiences were all my own doing.
“N-no, sorry, that’s not it.” Dean looked surprised at my response. “I want to apologize for always blaming you for my problems. I used to sit there and pray that you’d mess something up so badly that Mom and Dad would realize you weren’t perfect after all. I’d go out of my way to try and frame you for stuff so that I wouldn’t look like such a fuck-up.
“Blaming other people for my problems, that’s my real issue. The gambling addiction, I blamed that on Dad because he wouldn’t give me more money. Whenever I did
something that was wrong, it was always someone else’s fault. I gotta own the mess I’ve made of my life. There might have been circumstances that influenced me, but no one forced me to make the decisions I made.
“So, yeah...I’m sorry, Bry. I’m sorry that I was too absorbed with own shit to be the brother that you needed. Maybe if we’d been closer, you might’ve confided in me, or I would’ve figured it out, and I could’ve encouraged you to talk to Mom and Dad sooner.”
“That’s a lot of maybes,” I said, shaking my head. “You’re gonna choke on all that regret.”
Dean chuckled. “I just want you to know that I know that I messed things up and I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, we don’t have to talk about any of this again, but I just wanted to clear the air a little.”
“Damn straight we’re not going to talk about,” I said rolling my eyes. “Like I said before, there’s nothing to talk about. Life moves on, so should we.”
“Right, yeah, okay.” Dean nodded and grinned at me. He seemed happy with my response.
I finally went and retrieved the table cloth. When I got back, Dean helped me spread it out.
“So, like...you and this guy, Adam, you’re dating, right?” He looked at me sidelong.
I think he was just trying to make conversation, but my response was guarded nonetheless. “Yep.”
“Cool, so...” Dean leaned across the table and dropped his voice, “have you guys like, ‘done it’ yet?”
“I am not having this conversation with you,” I declared, stepping back from the table and throwing up my hands. “Just because we’re ‘moving on’ doesn’t mean we’re best friends and I’m going to share all the sordid details of my relationship.”
“Ah, so you haven’t,” Dean laughed and smoothed out the wrinkles on the table cloth.
“I never said that!” I could feel my cheeks flushing bright red. “It’s none of your business anyway.”
Dean grinned at me. “Maybe not, but it’s not like I couldn’t arrange to get everyone out of the house for a few hours. There’s that movie coming out that Eric wants to see. I could take Mom and Dad too.”
“I don’t need help coordinating my love life,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Please, can we just drop it.”
“Fine, but the offer’s there if you change your mind.” Dean shrugged. “Look, there’s your roguish lover now. I’m straight as an arrow, but I can see the attraction.”
I spun around to see Adam stepping onto the back porch. Dean’s antics were getting on my nerves, but he was right about one thing. Adam was definitely looking roguishly handsome today.
I forced myself to walk casually across the lawn to meet him. It was a struggle, but I wasn’t going to give Dean any more ammunition he could use to tease me.
“There you are. How are you doing?” Adam said as I reached him. He slipped his arms around me and kissed me hello. It was short and sweet. Exactly the sort of thing you’d expect when a couple is reunite after a little time apart.
“Better now that you’re here,” I replied when I stepped back from him.
“Is your brother giving you trouble?” Adam’s gaze immediately flicked toward Dean and he placed a protective hand on my shoulder.
“No trouble, he’s just being a nuisance,” I said, laughing lightly and directing Adam in the opposite direction. “You’re just in time to help me with this umbrella.”
After drafting Adam into the work force, I was able to avoid another close encounter with Dean. The complete one-eighty was weirding me out more than a little. I appreciated the effort that he was putting into his reformation, but he didn’t need to try so hard. I’d spent most of my life without an actual big brother figure, I didn’t really need one now. In fact, Dean was so much older than I was that following in his foot steps had never even occurred to me. It was almost like he was just this other guy that lived in my house and had the same parents. Definitely not related to me in any way.
I didn’t need a big brother to tease me and run interference for me so I could have some alone time with my boyfriend. Though, I had to admit that I didn’t exactly hate the idea.
People started filing in slowly after that. Dean’s estimate was right. We only wound up with about ten guests. Mom and Dad were wonderful hosts, as always.
I felt strangely comfortable as I mingled with our guests. Everyone there knew that Adam and I were dating and nobody cared. I was able to join in conversations without fear of being outed and having someone judge me. Dean and Eric were actually behaving somewhat brotherly toward me, and not in the ‘hold still and let me punch you’ sort of way.
My Dad and Mr. Fischer seemed to get along really well, just like I thought they would. They were a lot a like and their interests aligned in many ways. Mr. Fischer invited my Mom and Dad to his church next Sunday. It was supposedly small, but welcoming to everyone. I sincerely hoped it would be some place that they could settle down.
The afternoon dragged into evening and we migrated to the front lawn. Dad and Eric put the last finishing touches on their fireworks while Mom eagerly visited our closest neighbors to let them know it was time. Like I said, Dad’s fireworks displays were pretty legendary. So much so that most of our neighbors had stopped buying their own fireworks.
I sat on a blanket in the grass beside Adam and he slid an arm around me just as the show began.
Each explosion and effect was timed almost perfectly to a soundtrack that my dad had spent the last year carefully curating. It was a painstaking, over the top, way too detailed display that represented a massive invest of my dad’s time and money.
The result, as always, was breath taking.
The shower of colors and lights, the crackle of sparks, the boom of explosions. Murmurs of appreciation rippled through everyone that had gathered near by. I could hear the neighbor across the street whoop with delight as series of fireworks exploded in time with the canon fire in the 1812 Overture. That was always a favorite and was the only song that made it into the playlist every single year.
As the last of the fireworks faded and the yard lights came on, I grinned and looked over at Adam. “So? What’d you think?”
“You told me it was going to be over the top but...this is next level,” he laughed. “It’s like those people that go crazy with the Christmas lights.”
“Dad used to do that too, but Mom told him he had to choose. Fireworks or lights.” I grinned.
“Too expensive?”
“Too much work. Those people that do the Christmas lights start planning for next year almost immediately. Dad does the same thing with his fireworks. Between work and planning for Christmas and the fourth of July, he wasn’t leaving himself a lot of leisure time,” I explained. “Plus, he’d draft us into his work force when he was setting up the lights. That definitely wasn’t a popular activity, even if the end result was killer.”
Adam and I sat together for a little while longer as Dad and Eric cleaned up the aftermath of their show. Slowly, our guests began to say their farewells and make their way home. I knew this magical evening was drawing to a close and I was beginning to dread it.
“You ready?” Mr. Fischer asked as he approached. “We’ve still got to pick up Allie from Kim’s house. She’s got that early flight tomorrow morning.”
“I didn’t realize she was already leaving,” I said as I reluctantly disentangled myself from Adam’s arms.
“She’s got some placement tests to take or something, and they’ve got some in person interviews to conduct. She’ll be home in a week,” Mr. Fischer explained. “I’m told it’s mostly a formality and to help familiarize new students with grounds and the rules before classes start in the fall.”
Adam climbed to his feet before helping me up. He gave me a kiss and grinned at me. “I’ll stop by tomorrow afternoon,” he promised. “We’ll go to the mall or something.”
“It’s a date.” I kissed him again for good measure.
As I watched him get into the car with his
dad, I felt a knot in my stomach. A growing sense of dread washed over me. By the time they pulled away, I was all but convinced that this was the last time I was ever going to see him.
46
I helped my parents with preliminary clean up. Just enough to make sure that there was nothing left inside that might attract unwanted animal visitors. The real work would start first thing in the morning.
I did my best to ignore the incessant worry that was gnawing at me. I told myself that I was just being paranoid. Adam would text me before bed, just like he always did. We’d go spend the afternoon in the air conditioned mall. It was going to be perfect.
An hour later, that nagging feeling was still there.
I was brushing my teeth, elbowing Dean out of the way to try and give me some counter space, when my phone rang. The caller ID said “Adam.”
I should’ve been relieved.
I quickly rinsed my mouth and answered the call.
“Adam?” I asked, hesitantly, almost expecting someone else’s voice.
“I don’t know what to do.” Adam sounded like he was on the verge of tears. “Adam, I don’t know what to do.”
“Babe, it’s okay. Tell me what happened?” I asked. I felt adrenaline surge through my veins. It chased away the weariness of the day and put me on high alert. Adam needed me. I didn’t even wait for him to respond before I went to my bedroom and started pulling on the clothes I’d just exchanged for Pjs.
“There was an accident, with the car...” Adam let out a shuddering breath that rattled in the phone speaker.
“Are you hurt? Where are you?” I glanced back toward the door as I finished pulling my shirt over my head. Dean was leaning against the door frame with concern in his eyes. He jerked his head over his shoulder, gesturing toward the living room, and then withdrew.
I frowned, but grabbed my shoes off the floor and followed after him.
“I’m...I hit my head. My chest hurts,” Adam said, “but...Dad and Allie. They got hurt real bad.”
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 35
