“Are you rejecting me?”
“No! No. I’m just not accepting... I mean, I have never really been one of those guys that has enjoyed that sort of thing. It’s not you. It’s me.”
Even when refusing a blowjob, it is best to never tell a girl that it is you and not her. I’m guessing this is the case based on the look on her face. That’s the only experience I have with telling a girl that it is me and not her in a situation like this. I’m not sure how often these situations come up, but I figured that it is better for you to be more prepared for it than I was.
“It’s really not you. I have serious issues. The idea of you... Look, I know where my dick has been. Not that it has been any places that I would be ashamed of, or afraid to admit to you. I just... The idea of you doing that to me with your mouth when I would then be kissing you, kind of bothers me. So you see it really is me and not you.”
And she was speechless for a moment. I don’t know if she was trying to process my explanation as something believable, or if she thought that I was totally insane. There is a very fine line with how much you should reveal to a girl that you just getting to know.
“So you’re never going to ask me to...?”
“No, there’s the whole me wanting to kiss you thing, and I think it is kind of rude for me to ask you to brush your teeth and use mouthwash after doing something like that. Plus, I just... Okay, I’ve seen the videos online, and I just don’t get it.”
“You don’t get women giving men pleasure?”
“Oh, I get that, but I’m like... Okay. So the guy is either really passive, or he’s almost brutal in shoving something in another human being’s face. It’s just not what I look for in a sex act.”
“And what do you look for in a sex act?”
“Mutual satisfaction where both people are treated with respect and dignity.”
“So...”
“Are we having the “sex” talk?”
“No.”
The amazing thing about women is that they will deny the truth while continuing their line of questioning that affirms everything that they are denying.
“No, I just thought that, well, I haven’t been with a guy since Steve, and since we are supposed to use each other.”
“You’re wondering when I’m going to fill the void left by him?”
“No, I...”
The sex talk is one of the most awkward talks you will ever have with a woman. It’s not awkward in the way that it was with your parents when you were a teen. Instead of talking about the mechanics of sex and the consequences and moral issues involved, the sex talk with a potential partner is more of a listing of sex acts that you are comfortable performing or having performed on you. It’s a negotiation process.
“I really like you, Liselle. There’s a part of me that wants to have sex with you. It’s mainly my penis, but there’s a smaller section of my heart that is willing to go along with it. It’s just that the rest of my heart and a good portion of my brain is telling me to be careful and not hurt you.”
“So it’s not...”
“It’s not you. It’s me. You’re a very beautiful girl. If we had met under other circumstances, and if I was the type of guy that could just use somebody, I would totally be trying to do you right now.”
And as awkward as I was at that moment, her pure smile made me know that I was on the right road.
“So what are we exactly?”
The amazing thing about women is that they can go from wanting to just have sex with you to wanting to define your relationship to them.
“I don’t know. I’m a little bit messed up right now. So, as your friend, I would probably tell you not to date me right now.”
“But there’s a part of your penis and your heart that want to make love to me?”
“It’s more the penis with a small section of the heart, but, in all honesty, my heart is not something that I exactly trust right now.”
“And what about your head?”
“It’s trying to be rational with physical and emotional appeals to its intellect.”
“So?”
“So, if you need sexual satisfaction, my feelings wouldn’t be hurt if you used a vibrator.”
“And if I need more than just sexual satisfaction from the man I’m sharing my bed with?”
“Then you might need to find a new man to share it with. I’m giving you all that I have.”
And as hard as it was for me to say, it was even harder to watch her spirit fall after I said it. And even though I knew her heart was breaking, I was really glad that she kissed me. I needed that.
I can almost see me giving her my heart, so that she can rebuild it to be what she needs it to be. I just don’t know if she can rebuild it in time to be of any use to her.
Oct. 2, 2010
Jack and I went out last night on our second date. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going all week. He would only tell me that I should dress up. We had dinner at Cucino Di Betto.
I can’t figure him out. He seems to be going back and forth on what he wants. Earlier this week, he was acting like he wasn’t sure that he was willing to have relationship. And then last night, he took me to the best date restaurant in town.
And it wasn’t just that he took me there and paid for dinner. He was... He was how I wished all of my other dates could have been. And it wasn’t just that he treated me special by pulling my chair out and standing up when I went to the bathroom. It was how he couldn’t take his eyes off of me all night.
And dinner was amazing. Instead of two friends out on a date, he was actually trying to get to know me as a lover. I could tell that he was trying to steer the conversation a certain way. It wasn’t just talk about my major or people that we knew. It was about me as a person and what I want out of life. And it was about me.
After dinner, he took me to the art museum. We just walked around and discussed the paintings and sculptures. At first I thought it was an odd sort of place for a date, and then we started talking. It seems that he is getting a degree in Art History. He said that it was one of those crazy things you do in college.
I learned that he used to paint and make things. He still takes photographs and makes movies in addition to doing some writing. The Art History classes were just easy for him. He doesn’t really want to go into that as a career or anything.
I asked him what the point of doing it was then. He kind of laughed to himself and said, “Sometimes I just need to have something beautiful in my life and to know that somebody else has felt the same things I’m feeling.”
And as I walked around with him as my personal tour guide, I learned about him more than I did about the paintings. It’s not that he wasn’t knowledgeable. For the first time since we have been together, he seemed to open up to me.
I don’t know if that is why he brought me here or not. A part of me thinks that he thought it would be a really great place to take a date. And part of me thinks that he took me there to see how I would respond to it. He said something about trying to take Brittany here and how she never seemed to enjoy it.
He breaks my heart. I could love him, and I think he wants to love me. He just won’t deal with the ghost of his ex. Her memory seems to be around almost everything that we do.
After the museum, he took me to a little park in town. He had packed a few snacks and drinks in a picnic basket. We sat outside and looked at the stars and just talked. In a little bit, he pulled out some portable speakers and his MP3 player, and we danced under the stars.
I haven’t slow danced with a guy since the eighth grade. I had forgotten how nice it was. I have gotten so used to guys gyrating on me that it made this feel all the more special. I can’t quite explain it. This was somehow more intimate than even rubbing my ass against some guy’s crotch.
And I don’t know why, but as we were dancing, I asked him, “Do you always take girls out on dates like this?”
“Yeah. Well, I used to, and then Brittany seemed to get bored by th
em. Is there something wrong with dates like this?”
“No, they’re absolutely perfect. You’ve given me the best dates I’ve ever been on.” And as much as I tried to make it sound like I wasn’t madly in love with him, I think I gave myself away.
“At what point do you think she got bored with me and was afraid to tell me?”
And I didn’t know what to say, so I just kissed him. I don’t know if he wanted me to at that moment, but he let me. And I don’t know why, but I felt kind of guilty after having done it. Maybe it was because I haven’t really kissed a guy that I’ve really liked in a very long time. I mean, I’ve kissed guys that I’m physically attracted to, but Jack has this sweetness and purity to him that makes him really attractive. And his love for Brittany makes him a guy that I can’t have. It’s like he’s a sweet, forbidden fruit.
I felt really embarrassed after having kissed him. And I think he knew that it was not just a random kiss with a girl that he has kissed before. So I just put my head on his shoulder and continued to dance with him knowing that we weren’t ever meant to be a couple and that I should enjoy this while it lasts.
And we danced in this odd, peaceful silence for I don’t know how long before he said, “Liselle, my cousin is getting married next weekend. Are you free to go to the wedding with me?”
“I would love to.”
And he held me closer as we continued to dance.
I’m not sure how long we danced or when we got home. Both of us seemed to be really relaxed when we got back to the apartment. There was just there serene silence over us where neither one of us talked, but it was okay.
And we managed to avoid the awkwardness of ending the date like we had last weekend. We just went inside and got ready to go to bed. I was in bed when he climbed in and kissed me on the forehead.
As I snuggled up to him and put my head on his chest, I noticed that he always wears a t-shirt to bed and that I’ve never seen him shirtless. And before I could stop myself, I said, “Is there a reason you always wear a shirt to bed?”
His response to that was just laughter.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“Oh, nothing. It just seems that I can’t take you out without you either wanting to give me a blowjob or take off my shirt”, he said with very nice smile on his face. It was hard to be angry at him, especially when he is so cute when he smiles and is genuinely happy, especially when I am the one that made him happy.
“Fine. I don’t want to see your six pack anyway”, I said as I rolled over and ignored him.
That’s when he put his arm around me and changed his tone. “Well, if you think I have a six pack, then you would be disappointed. Not that you wouldn’t be disappointed anyway after having been with Steve. I know why Brittany left me for him.”
I don’t know how he can touch me so sweetly when he is talking so frankly about them. It’s like there is a disconnect between what he says and what he’s thinking and feeling.
“Do you really think she cheated on you because of your body?”
“Wouldn’t you?”
“No. Women don’t cheat on men that they’ve been in a relationship with that long just because of the guy’s physical appearance.”
He looked at me for a minute as he thought about what to say. He then sat up in bed and took off his shirt. And that’s when it slipped out.
“Holy Fuck, you’re hot.”
He just shook his head and got out of bed. I don’t know why, but he seemed to be upset about something.
“Do you have to make fun of me? I can look in the mirror and know that this isn’t the ideal”, he said. “And I’ve seen Steve shirtless. I know why girls would want to go out with him.”
And then he got really depressed as if remembering something, “And I’ve been shirtless around Brittany. She never reacted that way.”
“So you’re an expert on what women find attractive about men”, I said as I got out of bed and made my way over to him.
“No... I just mean that....”
As I got closer to him, I think I was actually beginning to intimidate him. That’s when I cornered him and pushed him down on the bed. Once I got him down, I started kissing his biceps.
“Your biceps are well defined, but not overly big. Girls want strong men, but not a guy that is going to spend all day at the gym and never see us.”
As he was checking out his biceps, I made my way to his shoulders. “And your shoulders are just as equally defined. Natural looking and not overly developed, leaving you without a neck.
But where your body starts to really get amazing is at your chest. You have really nice pecks.”
I looked at him as I massaged his pecks.
“You don’t mind that I can’t grow any type of hair there”, was all he could say.
My response came after I kissed his chest and ended up licking his nipples. I stared him straight in the eyes and said, “No.”
I then started to make my way down his stomach. “I mean, you have hair leading down to your goods. Who needs it on your chest?”
It was one thing to touch his defined abs with my hands. Using my tongue to go down the path his hair created was probably a bit too much. I just couldn’t help myself. It’s not very often that you get to actually tell a guy how good looking they are.
“And to top it all off, you have these sexy V lines, whose edges are just barely visible under your pants. It’s a shame really. I would very much like to see those.”
At that point, I just left him there speechless and got back into bed as if I didn’t care. “Steve has nothing on you. And I don’t know how Brittany was able to keep her hands off of you or was stupid enough to leave you.”
I never expected him to say, “She never seemed interested in me. When she first starting spending the night, I used to go to bed without a shirt. She made fun of the few hairs I could grow on my chest. She told me I should take care of those few stragglers because they weren’t very attractive. I then started to shave my chest, and she told me it was like going to bed with a thirteen year old boy instead of a guy in college.”
Knowing that it wouldn’t really comfort him, I said, “There’s nothing wrong with your body. You’re built like a swimmer. You’re lean and sexy. And there’s nothing wrong with the amount of body hair that you have.”
“What was it then,” he said with such a sadness that it almost broke my heart. “What was it about me that made her leave me and fall for Steve?”
“What makes it think that it was you at all?”
“Because I was with her for four years. During that time, she always pulled away from me physically. If I started to touch her in any way that I would have liked to, she asked me to stop and told me that she was saving herself for marriage. The last time I checked, she isn’t married and is doing a lot of the things I wanted to do with her, except that she is doing them with Steve.”
It was at this point that I started crying. I didn’t mean to. And the more that I tried to stop, the more that I cried even more.
Jack tried to comfort me, but I don’t think he knew exactly what was wrong. I think he thought he was the reason that I was crying, which made him want to make me stop crying and made me cry harder.
He finally ended up saying, “Do you want me to sleep on the couch tonight? I don’t want to be making you cry all night.”
At that point, I just got on top of him and started kissing him, which I think confused him even more. I could tell from his lips that he didn’t really want to be kissing me, but he was also getting a massive erection.
“I wish I could love you”, was all that he could say.
We spent the next few hours talking.
Brittany did a lot of damage to him. He feels guilty touching a woman other than her. Even if he wants to be sexual with me, she conditioned him that it was a sin.
At least I have some answers as to why he has never fondled me or treated me as a sex object. And he admitted to liking me, but said that
it would probably be best if we didn’t date. He says that he doesn’t want to hurt me.
It’s funny that guys always say that they don’t want to hurt you when what they do ends up hurting you. At least, he was honest in saying that it wouldn’t be fair to me to start a relationship with me.
Of all of the guys that I’ve dated, he’s the one I’ve fallen the hardest for. Part of it has to be that he’s the most decent man I’ve ever met. He’s intelligent, fun to talk to, and he listens. Plus he wants me and refuses to actually go out with me. He’s the first challenge I’ve had in a very long time.
The Dance
By
Jack Webber
If there is one thing I have learned about love is that it always seems extremely normal when you in the midst of it. It is only once the romance is over that you begin to see just how messed up everything was.
I had known Brittany for as long as I can remember. She had been in my classes in grade school. I didn’t take much notice of her back then. In fact, we were casual friends for ten years. And then one day when I was a junior in high school, something changed. There was something about her that made me think of her in romantic terms.
Our love story started at a Home Coming Dance. I originally went to the dance with Jenny Warburton. We were just friends and went as such. She was fun to hang out with and easier to talk to about things I might be thinking or feeling than Steve was. In many ways, I see these qualities in Liselle now.
Anyway, Brittany had gone to the dance without a date. She was hanging out with a group of her female friends. I remember them being in a big group just giggling and dancing together. What I remember most about that night was the way that Brittany looked in her jade green dress. It was a silky dress that showed off her curves and revealed the beauty of her back.
In the midst of the group of giggling girls, she looked over at me. Our eyes met, and she bit her lower lip. I would later learn that this was a quirk of hers when she got nervous. And I don’t know why, but I walked over to her with no idea of what I was even going to say to her.
Broken Hearts Damaged Goods Page 9
