Elijah was worth those risks. She was worth them as well. She knew that in her heart. Fear and doubt could no longer be allowed to rule her. It was past time to believe in herself and take action.
~*~
Elijah hadn’t realized how difficult it would be to find someone to identify what was in the alcohol from the marquess’s party or the contents of the bottle they’d taken from the building he and Frost had entered.
Two of the scientists he’d contacted hadn’t been able to determine what was in the bottle and therefore weren’t willing to try to attempt to identify what the marquess’s alcohol contained.
Frost was requesting referrals from his academic contacts. Elijah hoped that line of inquiry would provide better results.
But none of those efforts took his mind off Lillian. She was a constant longing he couldn’t shake. With each day that passed, his concern grew that she’d decided they wouldn’t suit.
He considered it fortunate he had little free time, else he would’ve been knocking on her door, insisting on speaking to her.
With Lillian holding his thoughts, he strode into his library only to stop short at the unusual sight of his mother in one of the chairs before his desk.
Her dull black mourning dress matched the muted daylight on this foggy day. From the position of her head, she appeared to be staring out the window that overlooked the end of the garden.
With slow steps, not wanting to startle her, he drew near. “Mother? Is all well?”
She turned to look up at him then back to the desk. “I miss him.”
The simple words squeezed Elijah’s chest. He knelt beside her to take her hand in his. “As do I.”
“I thought coming in here might help.”
Elijah’s gaze swept the desk. He’d changed a few things to make the space his own. Now he wished he hadn’t. He should’ve left everything the same for both their sakes. His chest tightened even more with the terrible combination of guilt and loss he so often felt when his mother grew despondent. “I’m sorry. I should’ve left all as it was.”
“Nonsense,” she said even as she wiped away a tear. “This is your home now. You should do as you wish. I just hoped to feel closer to him here.”
“Do you?”
“No.” Her voice broke on the word, and her tears came faster.
Elijah wished he knew what to say or do to ease her pain. But at least this time, he had no desire to leave as he had shortly after his father’s death. The only reaction that felt right was to hold her, allowing the loss to sweep through him as well.
At last, her tears eased, and she leaned back to meet his gaze. “I don’t think we’re very good at dealing with grief.”
“I should very much doubt anyone who claims to be good at it truly cared for the loved one they lost.” When she managed a small smile, the tightness in his chest eased.
“I think my anger at him for dying is finally lessening. Now I simply miss him.”
“I’ve spent time angry with him as well,” he admitted. “It seemed like an odd reaction. I’m relieved to think I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.”
“I no longer feel the need for anything extra in my tea.” Her eyes were steady on his.
“That pleases me greatly.”
She smiled again and patted his cheek. “I don’t know what I would do without you, dear Elijah.”
Guilt rose once again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in the months following his passing. I should’ve remained home and—”
“I wasn’t ready to be comforted or share my grief in any way,” she interrupted. “Were you?”
He released her and took the chair beside her. “No, I suppose not.”
“There are still days when I feel like that.”
“As do I. Staying busy helps.”
“That is what I failed to do this past winter,” she admitted. “I wallowed in my loneliness. Being with others forces you to at least pretend you’re adjusting, which in some odd way helps.”
His shock at how much she was willing to speak of her feelings had him holding his tongue. This might be just what she needed—to speak of how she felt. Perhaps he hadn’t needed to purchase the book on grief after all.
“And Lillian’s suggestion of drawing has been a healing experience.”
“Truly?”
“Somehow, it has helped give me a place for my grief. To express it in a way I couldn’t in words.” She turned to look at him. “I like her.”
He nodded. “As do I, but I’m not certain how she feels.”
“Then you should talk to her.”
“She asked me to give her time, remember?”
His mother scoffed. “Don’t give her too much time. She might need to be reminded of all the reasons you’re irresistible.”
Elijah chuckled. “Said as only a mother can.”
“I’m being completely objective,” she insisted with a smile. “Mothers are, you know. But truly. On your way to wherever it is you’re going next, call upon her to let her know you’re thinking of her.”
The idea took hold and had him rising to his feet. “I believe you’re right. So wise.” He kissed her on her cheek. “May I escort you anywhere?”
“Your father might be gone, but I still have my memories. I’m going to sit here a little longer with them.” As he started to protest, she waved him off. “The pleasant ones comfort me.”
“I shall stay with you.”
“No, thank you.” Her smile eased his worry. “I won’t be long as I’m attending a gathering later this afternoon.”
“You’re certain?”
“Give Lillian my warmest regards.”
He was soon riding in his carriage toward the Frost residence. By the time he arrived, he hadn’t yet decided what to say. Or whether she’d see him.
Or why this had seemed like such a good idea when his mother had suggested it.
To his surprise, he was shown directly to the drawing room where Lillian stood. Alone.
And still, he didn’t know what to say.
“Good afternoon,” she said as she curtsied, but her expression was inscrutable.
“I wanted to see how you are.” The words were inane and didn’t match the feelings rumbling through him. All he could think was how much he’d missed her. That she was beautiful. That he wanted to kiss her. That he wanted to hold her and not let go.
“Well. And you?”
He nodded and took several steps closer. The longing that had followed him day and night grew brighter now that she was so near. He swallowed hard, hoping to hold it back. The last thing he wanted to do was frighten her with how much he wanted her in his life. But he realized he’d forgotten the exact shade of her green eyes and how much he liked the curve of her cheek, the arch of her brow, and especially her smile. Except she had yet to smile.
“My mother sends her warm regards.”
That brought a smile to her lips, which made him do the same.
“How kind of her. Is she well?”
“Yes, I believe so.” He hoped her tears had been cleansing ones, rather than a matter of concern. “I know you wanted time, but I had to see you, if only for a few minutes.”
“I’m glad you did.” Her gaze dropped to the floor. “I—”
“Lillian, have you seen your brother?” Lady Frost paused in the doorway, her eyes widening in surprise at the sight of Elijah standing in her drawing room. “Burbridge. How kind of you to call. I didn’t realize you were here.” She dropped into a curtsy.
“Good day,” he managed as he bowed, his thoughts solely on the woman before him and what she’d been about to say.
“And to you,” she replied. She raised a brow at Lillian. No doubt she wondered if she should remain.
He turned to look at Lillian, hoping she’d request they have a few moments of privacy.
“The duke has called to inquire as to how I am,” Lillian said.
“Lovely. Well then.” Lady Frost smiled. “I’ll just cont
inue to search for my husband.” She backed out of the door, leaving it wide open, only to pop back in. “I shall be right down the hall should you have need of me.”
“Thank you,” Lillian replied.
Elijah waited a moment, but when she didn’t reappear, he once again faced Lillian. “You were saying?”
She hesitated a long moment, whether to make certain they were alone or to gather her thoughts, he didn’t know. “I wanted you to know—”
“Lillian, have you—” Frost halted as he stepped into the drawing room. “Burbridge. Didn’t realize you were here.”
Elijah sighed, realizing the chance of hearing what Lillian had to tell him was slim. “Frost.”
“Do you have new information to share?” Frost asked.
“No. I called upon Lady Lillian.”
“Oh, I see.” Though his frown suggested he didn’t quite know what to make of Elijah’s appearance. Much like his wife, his gaze moved to Lillian to see what she thought of Elijah’s visit. “I was looking for Julia.”
“She is looking for you as well,” Lillian offered.
Yet Frost made no move to leave them in peace. Instead, he moved farther into the room. “I was hoping for better results from our recent...endeavor,” he told Elijah.
“As was I but not all hope is lost. Rutland has heard of another who might be of assistance.”
Though surprised Frost would raise the topic in front of Lillian, he realized he might have told his sister what they were doing.
But one look at Lillian’s face said otherwise.
“What is this?” she asked, eyes full of curiosity.
Frost scowled as though realizing his mistake too late. “Nothing of import.”
“You can’t expect me to believe that. What endeavor?” She stepped closer still, hands clasped before her. “What have the two of you been up to?”
Heaving a quiet sigh, Elijah realized the opportunity had truly been lost. “I will leave this conversation to you,” he told Frost with a smile.
“Humph.” Apparently, Frost thought little of his decision.
Elijah took one of Lillian’s hands and kissed her bare knuckles. Her tiny gasp pleased him more than he could say. “I look forward to seeing you again. Soon, I hope.”
“Yes. I hope so as well.” Her slight frown suggested she was less than pleased that he was leaving. Good, he thought. That made two of them.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Henbane, a plant of a poisonous nature, bearing a close resemblance to the narcotic poison, opium. It produces intoxication, delirium, nausea, vomiting, feverishness, and death, and appears chiefly to be used to increase the intoxicating properties of intoxicating liquors.”
~The Seven Curses of London
Disappointment swept through Lillian when she realized Elijah wasn’t at Lord and Lady Bosley’s musicale that evening. She should’ve told him she’d be attending with the hope he would, but the thought had flown from her mind after they’d twice been interrupted. If he hadn’t arrived by now, he probably wasn’t coming.
Would it be terribly wrong of her to slip out the side door? The idea of enduring an evening of music played by those who only performed once each year was painful.
“I’m so pleased you’re here,” Violet said as she came to stand beside her. “I hated the idea of listening alone.”
Lillian turned to see Violet along with her sister, Dalia, and her intended, Viscount Rutland, nearby. “You’re not alone.”
“Being with those two makes me feel as if I might as well be.” Violet glanced over her shoulder at the pair. “I’m pleased they’re happy, but it’s almost as if they forget I’m with them.”
“And here I thought to make an excuse and escape.”
Violet looped her arm through Lillian’s. “I won’t allow it unless you take me with you.”
“Lady Lillian?”
The sound of Lady Margaret’s voice had Lillian groaning under her breath, something akin to dread forming in the pit of her stomach even as Violet murmured, “Oh dear.”
“I thought surely you had returned to the country by now,” she said then studied Violet for a long moment before dismissing her and looking at Lillian again.
The woman’s mouth opened, but before she could say something hurtful, Lillian responded, “I’ve decided life in London suits me quite well.” The sight of the duchess entering the room fortified her defenses. No more looking under rocks, she told herself. She smiled brightly, silencing the inner voice of doubt. “If you’ll excuse us, I believe the Duchess of Burbridge would like us to join her.”
Lillian heard Margaret’s gasp as she turned away. She lifted her chin, proud of the small victory. She refused to be an easy target for Margaret’s barbs any longer.
“Well done,” Violet said as they walked to where the duchess had taken a seat. “That will teach her to leave you alone.”
“I fear she’ll only find someone else to set her sights on.”
“Unfortunately, that’s probably true. Did the duchess truly want you to sit with her?”
“No. I’m merely hoping she won’t mind if we do.”
Violet chuckled.
“Good evening, your grace,” Lillian said as she and Violet curtsied.
“Lillian. How lovely to see you. And you as well, Miss Fairchild.”
“May we join you?” Lillian asked.
“Please do. Do you know Lord and Lady Bosley well?”
“I’ve spoken with Lady Bosley several times, but I wouldn’t say I know her,” Lillian responded, pleased to see a hint of color in the duchess’s cheeks.
“The daughters are lovely, though I’m not certain music is one of either of their better talents.”
Violet leaned forward to whisper, “I heard it was something to be tolerated rather than enjoyed.”
“I fear you’re right. Did I see the two of you speaking with Lady Margaret?” the duchess asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Unfortunately,” Lillian said dryly.
“That woman has much to learn.” She frowned. “She has my son at the top of her list of marriage prospects, but I’m quite certain he’s not in her heart. Does the woman think I’m so naïve that I don’t see she’s attempting to befriend me so I might put in a good word with Elijah on her behalf?” She shook her head. “Ridiculous.”
Lillian’s heart pounded at the remark. Did the duchess think her too forward for her recent overtures?
The duchess placed a gloved hand on her arm. “She’s so different from you, my dear.”
Lillian drew a breath of relief. “I’m pleased you think so.”
The duchess held her gaze. “Not only are you a lovely person, inside and out, but you know how to keep certain information to yourself, and I appreciate that.”
“Well, I can’t imagine someone—”
With a squeeze on her arm, the duchess stopped her. “In order to accept a compliment, you have to acknowledge it.”
It took Lillian a moment to understand what she meant. “Thank you?”
“You’re not very good at it,” she said with a smile. “We’ll work on that together, shall we?”
“She’s right, you know,” Violet said as she leaned close. “You tend to turn them aside.”
“I didn’t realize that.”
“Think of it as being kind to the person giving the compliment. That makes them easier to accept.” The duchess nodded to an acquaintance across the room. “I recognize your issue as I did the same in my youth.”
Lillian found that difficult to believe. “You act as if you were born a duchess, always possessing the grace it requires.”
“Thank you,” she said with a meaningful smile at Lillian. “Adjusting to everything that such a position entails wasn’t easy, but once I realized how much of a privilege it is—as is any title or notoriety—I found adjusting much easier.”
“A privilege?” While Lillian had always been grateful for her life, especially compared to the mi
sfortune of others, she hadn’t thought of it as a privilege.
“We have an opportunity to help others, whether assisting with a charity or correcting behavior such as that of Lady Margaret.” Her eyes twinkled as she glanced at Lillian.
Lillian nearly snorted with surprised laughter.
The duchess gave her a knowing smile. “Not everyone understands the proper and polite way to act. Some must be taught, even if that includes a cutting remark or two.” She glanced toward where Lady Margaret stood visiting with several others.
It was nice to know she wasn’t the only one who thought Lady Margaret’s behavior lacking.
Two young ladies moved to the front of the room, one taking a place at the pianoforte and the other picking up a violin. The guests found seats and the conversation quieted to hushed murmurs.
As they began to warm up, the tuning notes leaving much to be desired, the duchess leaned close. “You already have grace, Lillian. You need only find your confidence. It will come, believe me.”
“Thank you.” Lillian’s heart lifted at her kind words and advice.
The duchess gave her a nod of approval. “That wasn’t so difficult, now was it?”
“I will continue to strive to improve.” She liked thinking of life as a privilege, regardless of what title she might have. Somehow, that gave her a sense of control and purpose over her life rather than focusing on how undeserving she felt.
Elijah seemed to already know his life was a privilege as he was taking action to help others. That was one more reason she loved him.
“Oh my.” Her heart hammered at her realization.
“What is it?” Violet asked.
“Nothing.” She kept her focus straight ahead, no longer seeing the ladies preparing to perform.
Love. The word settled inside her, much like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s day. It felt right. How could she not have realized the depth of her feelings sooner? She loved Elijah. He was so much more than she could’ve ever hoped for as a husband.
Daring the Duke Page 26
