by Diana Graves
“What is it?” I asked him.
“Damon called. He wanted me to tell you that Katie invited herself to dinner with him and the kids. Something about a fight between her and Everett.”
Everett was a proud wizard, and Katie was raised to be a bigot. I’d be shocked if they didn’t fight and need space from each other from time to time. I’m not pointing fingers, but old habits die hard and when you’re raised from birth to think you’re better than others because of race, you’re more likely to say or do something racist without even thinking it through all the way.
“It will be good to see her,” I said. “She’s what, twenty-three years old?”
And, suddenly tears were falling down my cheeks. I don’t know why, but in that moment it hit me, just how much I’d lost, all those years away. I never heard Isobel’s first words, or saw her take her first steps. I never heard her laugh or soothed her when she cried. I wasn’t her mommy. I wasn’t there for her, and it hurt so much. I’d give anything in the world to go back and have that, anything.
“Yes, she and Everett were married last summer,” he said. “It was a beautiful wedding.”
“Married?” I smiled at that, even as the tears fell in steady streams down my face.
Alistair shrugged his shoulders. “There’s something Damon failed to tell you about Isobel. Several months after you passed, Isobel was diagnosed.”
“Diagnosed?”
“From what Gabriel has told me, Damon brought her in to see him with a long list of odd behaviors. He was worried because Isobel wouldn’t look anyone in the eye, or move much and she almost never cried. But what worried him most was that Isobel didn’t respond to sounds. He was afraid she was deaf, but tests proved otherwise, and Gabriel diagnosed her as being autistic. I just don’t want you to be surprised or hurt if she doesn’t respond to you. She doesn’t respond to anyone.”
“Okay,” I murmured under my breath. Too many thoughts and emotions were running through my mind all at once. The more prominent emotions being guilt and confusion. I instantly wanted to know how to fix it, whatever it was. I didn’t really understand. Had I done something wrong? I didn’t know I was pregnant until days before I gave birth, and I lived such a hard life. Too much violence and late nights full of coffee and energy drinks. That was no way for a soon to be mommy to live. Had I known I was with child, I would have done things differently, and maybe she wouldn’t be…different.
“Raina,” Alistair began, breaking my train of thought. “About what I said before. I want you to know that you are beautiful.”
Such a drastic change in subject made me tilt my head until his words made sense. Then I frowned. “Are you still worried about my feelings, even now when we have more important things to worry about?” Like an evil lady living in my daughter. Maybe she was the cause of the autism… “I think you’re losing focus.”
“Well, no duh. He’s obsessed with you. It’s rather unhealthy how much he dotes on you,” said Raphael.
I looked down. “Shut it! Go away!” I thought at him.
“I can’t. You made sure of that.”
“Then just look away and plug your ears or something.”
“I haven’t got eyes or ears to avert, darling.”
“Then just shut up.”
“Right you are. I hate it when people talk during movies, and here I am, blah, blah, blah,” he laughed and fell silent.
I looked back up and Alistair was standing just in front of the thin white shower curtain. Damn! If I wasn’t already against the tile wall, I’d have fallen back into it.
“Your feelings are the most important thing to me, Raina. Would you have scurried into the shower so quickly if I hadn’t been so careless before?”
“Maybe.”
He pulled back the curtain and I looked down. I did feel ashamed of my body. I couldn’t help it. It felt unreal and damaged. What had been done to it stripped me of more than my humanity. It stripped me of my identity.
“You’re beautiful, Raina.” I looked up at him, blinking the falling water out of my eyes. He was so tall and handsome in a very manly sort of way. “Do you always take cold showers or were you in such a hurry to hide?”
I looked up at him. “I was hiding,” I admitted.
He smiled tenderly and his kind eyes seemed to be smiling as well. Every part of me longed to be with Alistair, and for too long I’d denied those feelings, pushed them aside, and wrote them off as hero worship. But I was finding it harder and harder to ignore how badly I wanted him.
He bent down and turned the knob to warm the water.
“Thank you,” I said, and he looked up at me, same smile as he stood up straight and pulled his shirt over his head revealing smooth pale skin. “What are you doing?”
His smile broadened. “Joining you. Would you like that?” he asked, and his native British accent came through a bit. That alone let me know that he was becoming excited, forgetting himself.
I became tongue-tied. Did I want him naked, soaked in warm water and inches from my equally naked body? Hell yes! But so many things made it very wrong. As far as I knew, I was still Damon’s girl. This was Damon’s bathroom. My kids would be here within an hour or so. Not to mention that I was dead just that morning…And I didn’t feel particularly sexy right then. “I would love that,” I breathed. “But we can’t.”
“Damon’s been with other women. He’s moved on. You should, too.”
My heart sank and I suddenly felt exhausted. Did I really expect Damon to wait five years for me when he had no idea I’d come back? No, obviously not, but still, it hurt like hell. “This isn’t the right time,” I said.
“It may never be the right time or place, Raina. You should take love whenever you can.” The look on his face. The way he moved closer to me. A girl can only take so much. “And—I love you.” Awe shit. Swoon.
With his jeans still on, he stepped into the shower beside me. I put my hands on his smooth chest to keep him away, but honestly I didn’t have much fight in me. He closed the distance between us with a firm hand at my lower back. I let my hands slide from his chest to his back, enjoying every curve. I pressed my breasts against him and he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, just as Damon had done before, but his fingers glided up and down my back lovingly. I hugged him back with my head on his shoulder. It felt good just to hold him.
“Raina,” he spoke softly. I looked up at him and he bent down to kiss me; just a pressing of lips.
Just that small taste of being with him was amazing. My whole body ached with need, but I couldn’t give in, not right then. It took so much willpower, but I turned away from him, giving him my back and breathing hard.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“This is.”
I felt him press himself against my back and hug me. “Why is it wrong? We’ve waited so long to be together.”
I turned and looked at him. “This is Damon’s apartment…” I began but Alistair’s angry face made me stop. “Why are you mad at me?”
He let go of me and stepped out of the shower in soaked jeans. “You’re standing there, worried about the decency of making love to a man in another man’s shower, but how long did Damon wait after you died before he found another woman to warm his bed, and then another and another?” Alistair’s anger was radiating from his broad shoulders as he searched for and found his shirt on the floor.
“How long did he wait?” I asked even though I didn’t want to know.
He stood tall and closed his eyes, visibly calming himself with deep breaths. “Not long enough. Not very long at all.” He looked at me and he looked hurt and miserable. “From the moment you told me that you loved me, I couldn’t bring myself to touch anybody else, to think about anybody else. Even after you were killed. I loved you more than I was willing to admit to myself.”
“Alistair, I’m sorry,” I said, but I wasn’t sure what I was sorry for. Even if Damon was sleeping with other women, we shared two children. Mayb
e Damon had moved on, maybe he had no interest in being with me anymore. Maybe we’d never be a happy little family ever again. But until I knew that for sure, I had to hold out hope.
He didn’t meet my eyes when he said, “Just clean up and get dressed. I have to change my clothes as well.”
And with that he was gone. I felt horrible that he felt rejected. That was the last thing I wanted, but I was in the right. I know I was. I closed the curtain and washed myself to the annoying sound of Raphael’s cackle.
“Good show, old girl.”
“Bite me,” I said with scorn.
MY KIDS!
I STEPPED OUT of the bathroom feeling better by miles in my black top, green wrap skirt and black velvet flats. I put my hair up in a loose bun and applied some light makeup to cover my scars (not to mention, help me look a little less dead). Alistair was waiting for me in the hall. I wasn’t startled at all by his leering presence. I heard him approach as I stepped out of the shower. I was half afraid, half hoping that he’d open the door. He didn’t, and that was probably for the best. I wasn’t sure I could have mustered the courage to say no to him again, not twice in one night. He was wearing a soft black shirt that clung to his muscular frame and tight dark jeans. Oh boy. Yeah, I was so glad he didn’t come in. Seeing him standing there made me feel all kinds of stupid for turning him down.
“Alistair,” I began, but he put a finger to my lips to stop me.
He leaned in to me and spoke so low that a vampire in the next room couldn’t have heard his words. They were only for me. “I know you want me as badly as I want you. I can feel it. From the moment you saw me—the way you looked at me. I could see your desire even then. Your pulse quickens whenever I look at you or talk to you. I excite you and to be perfectly honest you thrill me. One day you won’t be able to say no, Raina, and then you’ll be mine in every way a woman can be a man’s.”
Between the demanding look in his eyes and his quiet words, I felt overwhelmed. His finger moved from my lips to trace my jaw, pulling my face up to his. He kissed me and I closed my eyes and melted into his tender lips. I felt a fuzzy sort of trance fill my mind with pure bliss, and I made a shamefully pathetic sound of protest as he pulled away from me, leaving me wanting. I opened my eyes, still dazed from his touch, to find him looking down at me with a smirk. He laughed and I hit him playfully in the chest.
“You deserved that after blue balling him in the shower,” said Raphael.
“Fuck you,” but we both knew he was right.
“They’re here,” Alistair said, still smiling down at me.
I grinned and hugged him tight before running down the hall and into Damon’s living room to find it empty. I looked back at Alistair coming down the hall.
“Where are they?”
He smiled, “I must truly distract you. You’re a vampire now, yet you can’t hear them coming off of the elevator?”
I strained my ears to hear more. I had to hold my breath and calm my racing mind and then yes, I could hear them. Thomas was asking Damon if Katie was spending the night with them. He sounded older, like a teenaged version of my little guy. I bit my lip to contain the amount of joy I felt at the sound of his voice. No symphony in the world could compete with the sound of children, not to a parent at least. Especially a parent who thought she’d never see her children again. I didn’t know I was crying until Alistair wrapped his arms around me from behind for comfort. I leaned back into him and closed my eyes; listening to them as they walked at a human’s pace down the long hall.
Katie and Damon were arguing about the fight she and Everett had gotten into earlier.
“All magic has a price. It comes back to wizards threefold. For a normal wizard that’s fine. But for someone like Everett, who helps run his aunt’s shop, it’s simply impractical. He makes tons of magical charms and other people buy them and use them. He can’t possibly pay for all their magic usage. That’s why you have all of those animals. They’re his familiars. They pay the price for the magic, not him,” Damon explained.
“That’s animal cruelty!” I heard Katie yell. “And they wonder why the world treats witches like criminals!”
“The world treats witches like criminals because they don’t understand how witches do what they do, and they’re scared of them, so they lash out.”
“It’s still animal cruelty. Familiars! Everett should pay the price for his magic. Not our pets.”
“This is how it’s been done for centuries, Kate. You eat meat. How do you think cows and chickens are treated before they’re slaughtered for mass consumption? Do you think they live full lives somewhere out in the country? No. They’re housed in a factory, where they never feel a kind touch, or breathe fresh air, or see the sun. They are pumped full of chemicals and fed poor quality food before they’re murdered for profit at a very young age. How is that less cruel than your husband feeding your pets a little bit of his blood every day and then maybe they get fleas or a particularly nasty hairball?”
Katie just growled, a habit of mine she adopted while living with me.
Their footsteps arrived just on the other side of the door. “Let me get that, Dad,” Thomas said. “You’re holding Bell.” And then the door swung open and my son came through with his eyes on the floor. He was tan, tall and lanky. His long curly dark hair was tied back into a ponytail. Wearing baggy jeans and a heavy metal band T-shirt, he didn’t look my way at all as he walked past the living room and straight to the refrigerator. Didn’t they just have dinner? I shook my head, teenagers….
Damon had Isobel held firmly in his arms. She was small for a five year old. I’d have guessed she was a tall three year old. She was wearing a cream colored dress that was just a few shades lighter than the cream color of her skin. At first all I could see was the sea of black hair that seemed to move elegantly on its own, but then she turned her head and looked directly at me. I could see me in her face: heart shaped, button nosed, and red lips, but her eyes were black, completely black. I couldn’t stop staring at her as Damon walked toward me without a word. She was the most beautiful creature in all the world. My daughter.
Thomas closed the refrigerator door with a can of coke in his hand and turned around. His almond shaped hazel eyes were shot wide with shock. “Mom!?” He set the coke down and jumped over the couch. He launched himself right at me, passing Damon and nearly toppling me over with the force of his embrace. Thankfully, Alistair was still behind me to keep me upright. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like there was something stuck in my throat. I tried to swallow past it, but I couldn’t. I settled on just hugging him back and inhaling deep his scent; a musky wolf smell. My little werewolf.
Katie was last through the door, and she dropped her purse on the floor, mouth open, eyes wide. She was a little taller than me, with long thick dirty-blond hair and huge brown eyes. She was dressed in tight jeans and a flattering purple blouse.
“You’re alive!” Thomas yelled happily.
I wiped tears from my cheeks and nodded. It felt so good to hold Thomas again. I didn’t squeeze him. I wasn’t sure of my strength just yet, so I let him do all the squeezing.
“What happened?” Katie asked in a quiet voice from the door. She seemed very apprehensive, almost meek.
“A lot,” was all I said, because Damon was now standing before me with my daughter. She wasn’t looking directly at me anymore, but it felt like she was observing me all the same. “Hello,” I said, trying to get a better look at her angelic face.
“She doesn’t talk,” said Katie.
Damon looked down. “She’s autistic,” he said with a note of guilt to his voice.
“I know, Alistair said as much.” Damon gave Alistair a not entirely friendly look. “She’s beautiful,” I smiled at her. “She’s perfect.”
“Mom,” Thomas began. He loosened his hold on me so he could look up at me. Though, he was nearly my height now. Damn. He wasn’t my little boy anymore. He was my little man. “How are you here? You were dead,
weren’t you?”
“I’ll tell you,” I said, and I sat on the couch. Katie sat farthest from me, her body all rigid with nerves, while Thomas and Alistair sat to my left and right, and Isobel stood whimsically by the book shelf, fingering the spines of the books and mouthing silent words.
I told them about my assassination and rebirth. Though, rebuild seemed more fitting a word… There was once a time when Katie was full of loud obnoxious comments, but that wasn’t who she was anymore. After surviving a brutal assault and living with me for two years, she’d grown calm. And if anything, my death had tamed her even further. Her words were quiet and full of concern, while Thomas was nothing but astonished. Alistair sat quietly by my side. He’d ordered us more blood while Damon made everyone else hot chocolate and coffee.
Damon still seemed a bit off somehow, colder than before. When he moved to take all the dirty cups to the sink, I followed him.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him in a hushed voice that, besides Damon, only Alistair could hear.
Damon smiled. “Nothing—except I don’t know how to get Adia’s soul out of Isobel.”
“I don’t know either. Time to hit the books hard, huh? I’m sure we can find an answer. Between the two of us, we’ll exorcise her out of Isobel no problem,” I said, trying my damnedest to be upbeat when my true nature had always been brutal pessimism. “People have been performing exorcism for centuries. If others can do it, we can do it.”
“Exorcise her,” Damon said to himself.
I was studying Damon as closely as I could. How did he know Adia? Were they friends or enemies? Why had he never told me he knew her? He knew it was her blood in my veins, he knew I was searching for her, yet he never once hinted at knowing her in any way. Why? His statue-like futures kept much of his expression hidden. My promise to stay out of his head kept his thoughts equally out of reach. I read nothing from him. He just kept washing those damned mugs. “Damon…,” I began, but he turned and interrupted me.
