47
The Highway Code
This Highway Code applies to England, Scotland and Wales. It is essential reading for everyone: men, women, older people, younger people, persons neither old nor young, persons neither and/or both male and/or female, drivers, motorcyclists and horse riders. Please note that having sex with a horse is illegal on all British highways. Many of the rules in this code are legal requirements, and if you disobey them you may be fined, given points on your licence or disqualified from having sex altogether.
Masturbation
Masturbation is a private activity and should therefore never be undertaken on pavements, zebra crossings, pelican crossings or traffic islands. Masturbation however may be undertaken in designated dogging zones (q.v.) in which case reflective garments should be worn at all times for your own safety. You may masturbate in a parked vehicle provided that the vehicle is your own or you are a designated driver or passenger of the vehicle and the vehicle has not been broken into for these purposes, for example, because you liked the look of the leather and/or velvet and/or other upholstery. Masturbation is also acceptable in traffic jams (with vehicle moving at aggregate speeds of less than 5 mph) but orgasm must only take place when the car is stationary with the handbrake on. You are reminded that the use of mobile phones for the watching of pornography, calling of sex lines or for any other purpose, masturbatory aid or otherwise, is strictly prohibited at all times.
Sexual Intercourse (Non-Penetrative)
Sexual intercourse (non-penetrative) is defined as any sexual interaction, not involving penetration, which involves two or more individuals, one of whom is the driver. For the purposes of this Highway Code, rules for all in-vehicle sexual intercourse, penetrative or otherwise, that does not involve the driver are categorized under ‘Other Distractions Whilst in Charge of a Vehicle’. In an urban or built-up area with traffic lights, with a speed limit of 20 mph to 30 mph, and away from box junctions, manual stimulation is permitted, although only the passenger is permitted to climax while the vehicle is in motion. Extreme caution should be taken close to schools and care homes for the elderly, and when the vehicle is preparing to turn right. Along country roads, single carriageway with speed limits of up to 60 mph, it is advisable to take part in sexual exchanges only if you know the road really well. On dual carriageways and motorways, oral intercourse is permitted with additional stimulus from the left hand only. (The right hand is also allowed in conditions of fog.) The driver must maintain a good view of the road at all times. If an orgasm is oncoming please pull into the left ‘slow’ lane.
Sexual Intercourse (Penetrative)
Penetrative Sexual Intercourse (vaginal and/or anal) involving the driver is recognized by the Highways Agency as a hazardous activity which must never be undertaken in a moving vehicle. Drivers are encouraged to take advantage of designated dogging areas, as established by the 2010 Byways Usages Act (maps available). Please observe the correct signalling, as follows:
– Interior lights on, headlights off: onlookers may watch but not participate.
– Interior lights on, headlights on: onlookers are welcome to join in – knock or hoot for admittance.
– Interior lights off, headlights on: onlookers are not welcome in any capacity.
– Interior lights off, headlights off: participants are here by mistake.
48
The War of the Worlds
by
H. G. WELLS
After a noisy afternoon trying to get on with the gardening as the Martians continued hammering on their machines and decimating bystanders, I decided to spruce myself up with a cold bath and an invigorating walk to the railway station, followed by tea. I must confess that the sight of all this Martian armament greatly excited me and after we’d finished the cheese course, I suggested to my wife that we might partake in a spot of sexual intercourse.
She agreed, also feeling somewhat energized by the potential obliteration of humanity. In fact, to my surprise, she insisted upon licking my whirlygigs, an act she hadn’t offered since the late seventies, and, even more outlandishly, she then suggested I occupy her over the piano bench.
So immersed in our enjoyment were we, that at first we didn’t notice the figure outside the window, it being slightly concealed by a mulberry bush. Indeed, my wife had now flipped over and was trying to lever herself over the top of the pianoforte, while I balanced on one knee, in an attempt to hoist myself up her windward passage. If I hadn’t thought to close the curtains at that very moment I may never have seen it.
But there it was. Observing us, in flagrante, with its large dark-coloured eyes, which I noticed were placed rather oddly over a sensuous, if lipless, V-shaped mouth. Its oily, brown, gorgon tentacles quivered a little. I gasped. My wife, angling herself to see the source of my surprise, also started, but failed to scream, as I thought she must. The three of us stared at each other for a long hard minute; we all were aware of the awkwardness of this meeting, but none of us seemed able to break the intense eye contact.
And then our voyeur began to wave an octopus-like tentacle . . . and then another . . .
‘By Jove, I think it wants to come in,’ I murmured.
‘Go, open the door and allow it passage within. I wish to lie with that Martian’, replied my wife, her countenance solemn. I was surprised. I had not known my wife to be such a bobtail in all our marriage and so I obeyed.
A few moments later, we were gathered together; Man, Woman, Martian, devouring one another’s bodies with feverish eyes. And then we moved, as one, and fell upon each other; a lustful hand upon a full breast, a curious tentacle caressing a penis, a lipless mouth biting a rosy buttock, which I thought might hurt but didn’t. Our consummation was rapacious and peculiar. When we’d finished, we lay together until midnight, when the Martian suddenly oozed to its feet, donned my morning coat, I suppose as a disguise, and silently slid back out into the night, setting fire to the summerhouse as it left.
49
Sonnet 18
by
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art a hotter and more tempting mate.
My lips do suck your darling buds of May
And I did have my lease on our first date.
Sometimes too hot your eye of heaven shines
When round your golden hole my tongue has rimmed
And when with legs apart you do recline
Your nature is to leave yourself untrimmed;
But while the British summer stayest fair
Then we shall lose possession of our minds
And make love outside in the open air
Exposing to the sun our bare behinds.
So long as I can lie and you can wee
Be like our summer days and rain on me.
50
Fifty Shades of Grey
by
E. L. JAMES
Ana sat on the sofa in the Blue Room of Domesticity and adjusted her slippers. The end credits of So You Think You Can Dance were rolling on the television.
‘Hurry up, Christian!’ she called. ‘It’s nearly time for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!’
Moments later, Christian came in, wearing his beige fleece dressing gown. There was a smear of dried egg down the front. She’d asked him to give it to her to put in the washing machine she didn’t know how many times. He put the tray he was carrying down on the Ikea coffee table.
‘Is that decaf?’ she said, picking up her mug. ‘You know it gives me gas.’
‘If you wanted something else you should have said so,’ said Christian. ‘I asked you, like, five times.’
‘I couldn’t hear you, I had the TV on.’
‘As per usual,’ muttered Christian.
Ana took a sip of her drink anyway. If she was farting in bed tonight, it wasn’t her problem.
‘So . . . do you want to be tied up and beaten later?’ asked Christian.
Ana bit her lip, but Chri
stian had turned away and was busy sniffing the kitty litter, so he didn’t seem to notice. She checked with her subconscious, but it was having a nap, and her Inner Goddess was doing some Hoovering.
‘Do you mind if we skip it tonight?’ she said. ‘I’m premenstrual and really bloated. You know that’s one of my hard limits.’
Christian didn’t look that disappointed. ‘How about a game of Scrabble instead?’ he said.
‘OK,’ sighed Ana. She would have to let him win again. He was such a sore loser.
‘So, you know the Red Room of Pain, well I was thinking that this weekend —’ she began.
‘You know I’m actually going to be pretty busy this weekend. I thought I should probably mow the lawn around the front moat,’ Christian interjected, worried.
‘Relax,’ Ana reassured him, ‘I just thought if you could shift your Nordic skis, which incidentally you haven’t used since last Christmas, then we could convert it into something useful, like a craft room. I mean it’s not like we ever use it any more.’
Christian shrugged. ‘Whatever,’ he said.
‘We could redecorate it. There’s a clearance sale at Macy’s. I have a coupon.’
‘Shush,’ he admonished her. ‘The show’s starting.’
As Christian shovelled a handful of popcorn into his mouth, Ana felt herself missing her single days, and yearned for the comforts of a good book.
Acknowledgements
Thanks to Colin, Richard, Michael, Jose, Giorgio, Charlie, Annie, Peggy and Jim, Christylle and Nicholas, Robyn and the Ladies with Punch, and, of course, my excellent editor, Andreas.
Index
A Little Something, usage as euphemism for perverse sexual act 26
Accessories, embarrassing misjudging of 15, 32
Adams, Keown, Dixon, Winterburn back four, likeness of masturbation to 10
Afternoon Delight 93
Agent Provocateur 72
Agora 74
Aguardiente 97
Ahab, Captain 96
Airport, tediousness of driving partner to 48
Amuse-bouche, as in vulva 86
Anal sex 8, 12, 21, 29, 111, 128
Anal sex, likened to dark, narrow, smelly, less travelled road 34
Anderson, Clovis, apocryphal sex work bible of 50
Anderson, Pamela 103
Antlers, unlikely use as sex aid of 73
Aristotle 111
Arrest, for masturbation during elevenses 19
Arse licking, as in brown nosing or attempting to gain favour 121
Arsenal, notoriously boring reputation of 12
Arsenal, as weapons’ store 123
Artifice, impossibility of maintaining in gym of 23
Atomic missiles, erotic potential of 4
Aunt Esmeralda, as delaying ejaculation 99
Austerlitz 79
Back bottom 86
Back hair 29
Bagel, as sexual aid 14
Ball gags 24, 70
Banana boat, use of as possible escape vehicle 96
Bathing, lack of interest by Europeans in 32
Bazooms 15
Bed, Bath and Beyond, as locus for sex 29
Bed, Bath and Beyond, unreasonable management of 29
Beethoven, Ludwig van 31, 106
Beetroot, as colour comparison to Natasha’s face 78
Bevelling, as in architectural feature 118
Bevelling, as in breast swellings 117
Biscotti, Italian, consumed with dessert wine with Marquis de Vaugoubert in Verona 114
Black Gate of Mordor, as in anus 9
Blair, Tony 25
Blow job 54, 117, 127
Boden, Johnnie, 101
Boffing 20
Boobs 17, 72, 73, 105
Bould, Steve, exclusion from likeness of masturbation to 10
Brady, Liam, similarity to making pass at woman 10
Bratwurst, likened to penis 21
Breast, unexpected cupping of 32
Breasts 11, 41, 50, 98, 100, 113, 117, 130
Breton Crone, dodgy business practices of 18
Bright, Mark, poor use of elbow of 11
British summer, likened to being pissed on 131
Buggery, reader’s attention drawn to 2
Bustles, erotic rubbing of 31
Butt plug 122
Buttocks, silk-clad 81
Cambridge Circus 91
Cameron, David, 23
Cannoli 31
Carapace, shiny blackness of 69
Card games: Baccarat, Back Alley 54
Catalan cordel 97
Categorical Imperative 85
Catholic Church, quest against everything that brings pleasure and joy 41
Catullus 123
Ceramic tiles 29
Chambermaid, expertises of 66, 108
Chardonnay, uselessness in steadying nerves of 72
Cheerleaders 106
Cheese course 129
Cheese, regurgitation of upon first viewing of House of Usher 37
Chicken wing, throwing of 111
Chinese balls or Geisha balls as sexual toy 45
Chippendale sofa 81
Chisel, as in penis 117
Christmas jumper, potential sexual fetish 71
Clay potting, as sexual aide 125
Clegg, Nick, 23
Clinton, Bill 25
Clitoris 85, 109
Clocks, resemblance to tits 3
Cock, 3, 4, 23, 62, 63, 72, 92, 105, 119
Cockroach costumes, major disadvantages of 69
Co-dependency 54
Coffin, as inappropriate thing to build under someone’s window before they’re actually dead 59
Coffin, as useful vehicle for non-deceased to escape irritating family 58
Company of the Ring, as anal fanatics, 6, 8
Condoms 50, 72, 122
Connecting rod, placement in crankshaft of 111
Contracts, necessity when entering sadomasochistic relationship of 47
Copulation, banal 77
Copy centre boy, god-like ability to fuck senior vice president in charge of account liaisons into submission of 28
Corndog, as experienced choice of snack 110
Corpses, forgetfulness of to follow decent rules of hygiene 37
Cramp 36, 98, 99
Crisps, importance for distracting
children of 93
Croissants, consumed with coffee with groundsman in Normandy 114
Croutons, need to avoid due to gluten intolerance 28
Crypt as catacomb 118
Crypt as vagina 117
Cumbria dialect 117
Cunnilingus 33, 84, 85, 86, 103, 109, 127
Cup’ik tribe 110
Curry, as inappropriate dining choice when expecting houseguest 37
Darcy, Mr, intolerableness of 107
Death, resulting from boring air holes in coffin lid 60
Decisions, ridiculousness of thinking about 47
Desert robes, as offering easy access for quick wank 89
De-stapler thingy, lack of appropriate name of 29
Dexter, sex he does have 56, 57
Dexter, sex he doesn’t have 56, 57
Dildo, as dead hobbit 7
Dildos, as sex toy 44
Dive, advisability of 86
Dive, inadvisability of 12
Disraeli, Benjamin as portrayed in medium of hedge 32
Dog, not welcome to boff chaps 21
Dogging 126, 128
Doily, as safe word 122
Dolf, the plumber 105
Draught excluder, likened to penis 62
Dressing gown, beige, fleece with egg stains 132
Dressing gown, pink 50
Dugout canoe, locus of masturbation of 20
Dung beetles 111
Dutch, as potentially politically incorrect slang for trouble, though can also refer to people, cheese, or unsuccessful date 17
Dwarf in raincoat, as unbelievable plot device 17
/> Ejaculation 12, 51, 66, 83
Elixir of life, as lubricant and aid for manual masturbation 89
Elronhubbard, Great Council of 6
Elvish, genuine and mistranslation 8, 9
Ely dialect 117
Emma, sex she doesn’t have 56
Emma, sex she does have 57
Epicurus 84
EverySlacks 4
Evil 38
Eye, likelihood of dong taking out 63
Face fucking 123
Farmer, as potential sexual partner 100
Farmhouses, beauty of through exhaust fume haze 110
Father Christmas, appearance of on boxer shorts 73
Fear, of death 13
Fear, of flying 13
Fear, of high notes in arias 13
Felching 9
Fenland 117
Ferret, likened to nose 63
Firemen, Bolivian 106
Fish, likened to motherhood 59
Florence, rampant lesbianism in 32
Florentine guild of dominatrices 121
Ford, Harrison 40
Fourth-century Joy of Sex manual 103
French windows, as impediment to sudden need to streak 18
Fridge, as useful hiding place after awkward transformation into cockroach 70
Friends, danger as cockblockers of 24
Front bottom 86
Fuck club, first rule about 28
Fuck club, fourth rule about 29
Fuck club, rules five to seven about 29
Fuck club, second rule about 28
Fuck club, third rule about 29
Fückentrüstencircle 92
Gardening, disruption of by noisy Martians 129
Gay group sex 8, 21, 53, 92
George, Charlie, likened to woman removing top 11
Giant panda, difficulty in getting erection when thinking about extinction of 120
God, as code for G-spot 41
Golden shower 131
Gollum 7
Gray, Dorian, sexual desirability of from Dorian Gray 124
Grazia, magazine 71
Greatsword, as in massive knob 54
Greco-Roman wrestling 22
Fifty Shelves of Grey Page 9
