He was talking about my dad, so I listened, waiting for him to get to the good part. But after waiting a long time, knowing morning would be here soon, I got direct. "Is the song true? Should I be worried?"
Jerry strummed a banjo. As he plucked he said, "Satan's already been defeated, he just don't know it yet. He'll soon get all he has coming to him. Woe to my children for the devil's coming down on you with great wrath, because he knows that he ain't got but a short time."
In the hospital room the air kicked on, chilling the sweat that had formed on my skin. I folded my arms over my t-shirt, a shirt I had when I was little. Optimus Prime held up a laser pistol with one hand. With the other he waved with a half pointed finger, like Bumblebee, Jazz and Bluestreak would appear on the horizon any second to kick Megatron's whiny ass. The red shirt, worn thin and soft by thousands of washings had been my favorite.
I asked, "What do I have to do? To save myself?"
Nurses and attendants came and went, but they all ignored me. I figured Jerry didn't want to give me my answer while they were in the room. Then the sun went down. The room got colder. Light came from the hall through a tiny sliver beneath the door. Steady blue light from his heart monitor illuminated his silhouette on the bed. I got really tired just sitting in the chair waiting. I stopped paying attention to what went on in the room and my mind drifted other places. By the time I realized his heart monitor had stopped making noise it was too late to do anything.
In my dream I began to cry.
When I felt the wetness of the tears on my pillow I woke up and wiped my eyes. Dani still had her arm clamped over me. I slid out from beneath it and went into the bathroom. I didn't turn the light on. Getting dressed and going home seemed like a good idea. But I went back into the bedroom. To a warm room. To the warm bed. Dani asked what was wrong.
"Just had a bad dream."
I waited for her to ask me about it, to ask if I wanted to talk about it. She said, "I know what will make you feel better."
She rubbed against my back. I didn't know if I was fully awake or not. She kissed my neck and shoulders. Her kisses were warm and wet. I rolled over. She found me with her hand. I didn't think any of it was real.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
In the morning Dani drove me up to Mick's. She'd been on the phone with the body shop, and said she had to return her rental. She asked if I could pick her up before I went over to the middle school. I told her the Jeep had been totaled, and she said maybe I could pick her up in Mick's car. I told her I had to think about it, but I really meant 'no'. My phone buzzed.
She said, "Who is that?"
I didn't know, but I said, "That's my business."
When she drove away I checked it.
When I got to Mick's he told me I smelled like smoke, and needed to go home and change. I apologized, told him they smoked at the AA meeting I met Pauly at last night. Mick said that wasn't an excuse for smelling like smoke this morning. So on the way back to the apartment I stopped at the old GC Murphy's on High and bought a pack of Camels and a handful of Atomic Fireballs. I had to ask for matches. Out on High I lit one up. It didn't feel as good as the one last night. But it didn't feel bad either.
I got another text.
After I changed and got back down to Mick's he gave me a twenty and asked if I'd get gas in his car. I told him I would, that I'd leave a little early so I wouldn't be late to the school. As soon as I got into the car I called Dani to find out where she was. She gave me directions. The god damned body shop was halfway to Fairmont. I asked her why she didn't keep the rental. She said it'd have been stupid to pay for just a few more hours.
When she got into Mick's car she asked what she was going to do the whole time I was at the school. I said she'd have to wait. She asked if I could drop her off at the mall. I said I was already late, so she suggested dropping me off and taking the car. I said no way. "Absolutely, no way."
But when I got to the school it was five after, so I gave her the keys and said to park it and wait. I apologized to the music teacher ten times. She said it was fine, and the kids settled down once we got started. She asked about the lyrics I said I'd type up last week, and I told her I'd forgotten. I tried explaining that my brother had an accident, and she said it was okay even though her facial expression didn't quite agree. I tried to make up for it by writing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" out on the board. Before we could start I had to explain what 'marmalade skies' and 'Plasticine porters' were. I had to admit I didn't know what Plasticine was.
When I left there I felt like I had pretty much made up for being late and forgetting the lyric sheets. I assured her I'd be ready to go, telling her I'd get on it as soon as I got back to Mick's. She smiled, but I wasn't really sure what kind of report Mick would get this week.
I took a quick look around the parking lot for Mick's Caddy. I didn't see it. I called Dani, but she didn't pick up.
Mother fucker! I screamed it over and over again in my mind since I couldn't say it out loud while standing in front of my old school. My anger roiled. I wanted to smash my guitar against the fucking curb. I couldn't do anything but stand there. The halls were filled with kids going to lunch. I called her again. Two minutes later I called her again and started walking. I told myself I'd call her one more time, and if she didn't pick up I'd call the cops.
She pulled up behind me just as I got down the driveway. She leaned over and unlocked the passenger-side door like I was going to let her drive. I threw the driver-side door open, shoved my guitar case into the back seat. "Move over."
She said, "Don't be mad."
I turned and noticed the magnificent gash along Mick's rear quarter panel. "What the fuck... What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this?"
"I said don't be mad, Preston. I—"
I slammed the door shut then ran my finger along the splintered paint. Part of the trim had been pulled away from the body. The scratch ran in two directions, like she hit something, then tried to pull away from it. "What the fuck happened!"
"People can hear," she said, sliding across the seat.
"I don't give a fuck who can hear me." I slammed the door and started to drive. "What happened?" I demanded. "Fucking tell me!"
"I don't know," she said. Her eyes got teary. "It was like this when I came out. It must've been a snowplow—"
"It's not even fucking snowing! Do you think I'm stupid?"
She looked at herself in the mirror and sniffled. Her tears disappeared like free Kool-Aid in a dollar store. "You are responsible. You shouldn't have let me borrow the car."
"You—" I started, but she was right. "I should make you walk the fuck home."
I cranked the radio and tried to think about what I was going to say to Mick. At the bottom of Pleasant I made her get out. Cars beeped at me, but I put it in park. She opened the door and laughed. "Should I call you or will you call me?"
"Fuck off."
"So you'll call me. I knew you would. See you tonight, Preston." She placed two fingers against her lips and kissed them. She slammed the door then put her fingers to the glass. Two tiny smeared patches of red lipstick remained.
I pulled in behind the shop and shut the car off and sat there. Sun warmed me, even with the engine off. I didn't know what to do. Nothing that I could compose in my head could come close to making it okay. My phone rang. It was Mick.
"Where are you?" He was mad.
"Out back. Coming in now." I was about to say something else, but he hung up on me.
I didn't even get through the back door and into the show room before he started yelling. He said, "What were you thinking? Where is your head?"
"They were filling potholes over in Westover. I got hung up for a few minutes—"
"Mary Vascheck c
alled me. What song did you teach them?" His face was really red. I worried he was going to pop a valve or something.
"I taught them some Beatles. 'Lucy in the Sky'."
If the counter hadn't been there I swore Mick would've taken a swing at me. "She said it's about dope and getting high and taking acid. She looked it up online."
"What the hell? Lennon said it was nonsense. But now that you mention it... If it's not appropriate I can work on something else for next week." I put his keys on the counter.
"No, there will be no next week. I've gone above and beyond for you, Preston. Above and beyond." He put his glasses on the counter and stood up. "All after all that with the Tele. I want you out of here. You don't work here anymore."
I shook my head. I'd been disowned. I could tell just by the way he looked. "C'mon, Mick. Man..."
"From now on you're just a customer. Call your lessons and make sure they know. I don't want anybody coming in expecting to see your face. Tell them I'll find somebody else by next week." He took his car keys off the counter and put them into his pocket. "I'll give you three months to get your shit out of my back room. If you don't pay me back by the end of May I'm selling it."
"You said you'd give me six months."
"May," he said, barely looking.
"Mick... Please." I zipped my jacket up.
He wouldn't even look at me.
I walked to the door and said, "Somebody sideswiped your car at the school today."
I left the shop, headed up Pleasant to get out of sight, stopped on the corner of High and lit a cigarette.
I wandered for an hour, but couldn't clear my head. Negativity flooded my brain, leaving no room to think about anything good. I walked down High towards Dani, then turned around and walked all the way up to campus.
At the café—one of the few places I had left—I found a booth way in the back. I figured I could buy Katy something to eat before we started playing. I sent her a quick text. My mom came over, notepad out. "Where have you been? Everybody asked why you weren't at the funeral. Did you even go see your brother?"
I didn't look at her. "Yeah, I saw Pauly. And I heard about what happened, and I went to Stu's grave yesterday. I was up in the mountains for a few days. I didn't get any messages until Sunday night."
"I told you if you went sticking your nose in places it didn't belong you were going to get bit. Why don't you listen?"
"I don't listen because I have a right to know where I came from."
"And Pauly said you found what you were looking for last night."
I didn't say anything.
"I could've told you Kevin Black was a rapist and a thief."
"But you didn't. All those years you could've said he was no good. If you knew he lived in town you could've taken me out and showed me what type of person he was and told me why I needed to stay away. All my life I believed he might be something special." I zipped my coat up. "You ever preach to Pauly like this."
She put her pad back into her apron. "Peter said be sober and watchful... Of which you are neither. Maybe after you stew and suffer for a little while, God, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will restore you and strengthen you."
"Maybe I should go."
"Don't trouble yourself, Preston Black. My shift's over. I'm going home. Stay as long as you'd like."
But nobody ever came over to take my order. I looked out the window, cars zipped by on Spruce. Maybe if the Jeep had survived I would've gassed it up and split. Left town. Went to New York or LA. My head thumped like an old Ampeg bass cabinet just thinking about it. I went up to the counter and got my own coffee. In the back, by the stage I found a quiet corner on an old sofa and took out my guitar. But it wasn't in me to strum a single chord, let alone work on any of my songs. I went outside to smoke.
When I got back in I put my guitar on my knee, the coffee on an end table next to me. I just stared out the window. I never even touched my coffee.
At four, Katy finally texted. She was on her way.
I went into the bathroom to check myself in the mirror. I pulled a fireball out if its cellophane and popped it into my mouth. A lot had changed since I last saw her. I didn't know why I couldn't hang on to thoughts of her when things got shitty. All I had to do was go home and lock my door instead of getting into Dani's car.
If it came up, I'd tell her about my dad—the devil I'd been worrying so much about. She would say things that could help me move past it. The Dani thing messed with me, but if things worked out with Katy the way I hoped, Katy'd never have to know. I didn't get into Dani's car because I needed to fuck her. I got in because I was weak.
Katy showed up with her roommate. I rushed to the door to meet her anyway. But she acted different than yesterday. She didn't smile or kiss me. I wanted to tell her what happened at the AA meeting last night, about my dad, but couldn't see myself discussing it with Chelsea, too.
Katy acted like she had an obligation to keep Chelsea entertained. Chelsea kept bringing up people and topics that were totally foreign to me. When Chelsea got up to go to the bathroom I brought up what happened last night. I said, "Things didn't go so well last night. At the hospital, at the AA meeting—"
"As soon as we walked in I could tell you were in a bad mood." Her tone stung like sunburn.
I tried not to give in to the defensiveness I felt. After a deep breath I said, "I'm sorry. In my mind today went a little differently. More than anything I hoped we could talk. When I saw you walk in with your chaperone it threw me off."
"Why are you taking it out on me?" She set her teaspoon onto the table. "You don't have to be nasty about it."
Hoping to release some tension I stood up. "I'm not being nasty. I just expected something a little different this afternoon. That's all. It's fine. Can I get you something? A cookie?"
"Preston." Her tone changed. She lost some of her anger. "It's the same as last week. There will be a bunch of people here. Every Tuesday for a hundred years it's the same thing. If you wanted to be alone you should've said something. We could've went somewhere else. Did you think everybody'd just stay home tonight?"
"Katy, I assumed it was understood. I thought we were going to go over some stuff before Friday. I assumed—and I guess I was wrong again—but I assumed you'd be coming down alone to help me out before Friday. I don't need to sit around playing the same old songs over and over."
Her anger, I learned, hadn't really diminished. "Well, don't then, Preston. No need to play beneath your ability."
Chelsea returned, and despite the fact that we were in the middle of something, continued to stand there watching.
"Jesus, Katy, that's not what I meant, and I think you know it."
"I don't know what you meant."
"I don't want this to get worse. I really don't. Being with you was the best part of this weekend. I'm going to take a walk because I'm kind of freaking out right now." And even when I put my coat on I expected her to say something to give this thing a chance to change directions. But she let me put my coat on and leave. When I got outside I lit up another smoke. I put my guitar case on the sidewalk and rubbed my eyes.
The noose kept tightening. I felt it with every breath. My throat got a lump in it that just wouldn't go away. I should've went home. But we had no heat in the apartment. No curry to in the air to warm me up today. Nothing to drink even. Mick's was out. Forever. Pauly was out. Never thought I'd see the devil at an AA meeting. I started walking. I went down the hill to Beechurst. It always seemed easier to just go downhill.
I made a left to go past The Stink but I didn't have enough cash to get drunk. And it was stupid to count on free drinks again. I looked at the bulletin board by the door. Drummer Wanted. Melodic Punk band needs bassist. Everybody in the world played the fucking guitar. I was nothing special. A small note card at the bottom said the pub needed somebody to wash dishes. Finally, I thought, something I'm qualified for.
Our big poster hung on the door. In big letters at the top i
t said QUARTERSTICK Friday, February 14. The next line said With Special Guest PRESTON BLACK.
I wanted to feel good about it, but the more I thought about it the more I figured I wouldn't be around to see it—like the devil or the song did have control over me. Like I wouldn't see my next birthday.
I wished Jamie was here to see that I was right. With no place to go I made a right onto the Westover Bridge to watch the river. Brown water crept beneath my feet.
The fall would be the worst part, knowing the whole way you could never put yourself back on that bridge. Bones broken by the surface growing numb in the cold below. I wondered about light and sound and which would disappear first. I wondered if my mind would stop rambling. I wondered if I would be reborn and have a shot at a real life. I wondered who would miss me.
I got a text.
A million thoughts ran through my head. I tried to pick one out and make a coherent thought out of it. I texted back
I stood there in the cold. The text broke the steam train of black thought screaming through my head. I stepped away from the rail and turned back toward town. The light just changed, and I hung my head to avoid eye contact with the cars coming from the intersection.
Joe Strummer texted back.
I replied, but I swore to myself it'd be the last time.
I stood there, waiting for his reply. It didn't come, and I walked toward the corner.
My phone buzzed.
Heavy traffic pushed into the intersection. I had to wait for the light to change before crossing in either direction. While I waited my phone rang. I thought it might be Strummer again. Traffic came and went all around, fencing me in. It was Dani. I answered.
She said she had her car back, and would pick me up.
The Devil and Preston Black (Murder Ballads and Whiskey) Page 24
