by Jet Mykles
“Ha-ha.”
“I still don’t get it.”
“Cassius Clay?”
Danny smacked his forehead. “Oh, right, his real name.”
“Right.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense at all for you.”
“And Shakespeare does?”
Danny had to laugh. “Okay. Your mom an actress?”
“No. Teacher.” Using tongs, Cash started doling out strips of meat from the grill to their plates. “She thought it was a cool name. Weird.”
“But where did Cash come from?”
“My uncle. He used to babysit me a lot and wouldn’t call me Cassius, so he called me Cash instead. It stuck. No one but my mother and my grandmother ever call me Cassius.”
“Oh man, your mom actually calls you Cassius? In front of people?”
“Like I said, she thinks it’s a cool name.”
“What about your dad?”
“He think she walks on water, so he let it slide. He calls me Cash, though.”
“Your parents sound a little wacky.”
“They are.” He chewed a moment, clearly enjoying the taste. “Both teachers. I’m their only son, but they kind of raised my uncle, so he’s more like an older brother to me. They’re all cool.”
“They must be super proud of you.”
“They are. Mom was happy I decided on a school close to home.”
“Was computers their idea?”
“No. Mine. I’ve had a computer all my life. I don’t really know anything else.” He sipped his pop. “They would have let me study anything I wanted. What’s really important to them is the degree.” Cash eyed him. “Aren’t you hungry?”
Danny looked down at his plate and realized he’d just been watching Cash and forgotten his own food. “I am.” He picked up his chopsticks and dug in.
Halfway done with what was on his plate, Cash started placing more raw strips on the grill. “So, what about you? Didn’t your parents want you to go to college?”
“Um, no. Okay, that’s not fair. I could have gone if I wanted, but I’d have to pay for it. Mom can barely support herself.”
“They’re divorced?”
“Since I was four.”
“Sorry.”
“No biggie. I don’t remember them together.” Danny picked at some of the kimchi. “They’re actually pretty good friends these days. Only reason they split was that Mom got tired of waiting around for him when he was on the road.”
“He’s a musician?”
“Yep. He plays the oboe.” Danny mimed the instrument with his fingers and chopsticks. “Spends a lot of time traveling around with different orchestras. Never has settled down for a long stint with any of them. He was in Romania last time he checked in with us.”
“Romania?”
Danny shrugged. “He gets around.”
“They ever see you play?”
“My mom, yeah. Not with the Knights, of course, but with my other bands, sure. Mom’s always right up front with my sisters.” Crazy women. He adored all of them.
“That must be weird.”
“Nah. My mom looks and acts like she’s about thirty, so she fits right in.”
Cash smiled and chewed. “You’ve got three sisters, right?”
“Yep. And they rule my world. Or they used to.”
“You miss them?”
“Oh sure. But you know I talk to them.”
“That’s cool.” Cash considered a little plate of what Danny had assured him was basically potato salad. Judging by the look he gave it, he still didn’t believe the claim. “They must be okay with you being gay, then.”
“Are you kidding? My mother is a charter member of her local PFLAG chapter, and my sisters are right there with her. They were thrilled to find out they had a valid reason to join.” Danny licked juice from the corner of his mouth. “So, would your parents freak out to find out about…” He almost said “us” but wasn’t sure there was an us, so he sidetracked and finished with, “…what we’ve done? Together.”
Cash needlessly adjusted his glasses. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. They’d probably be okay. We’ve never really…” A shrug. “My uncle probably won’t handle it so good.”
Danny heard the sad note in Cash’s voice loud and clear. It made him feel about two feet tall. He’d known many a man who’d lost his family because of his sexual orientation. Compassion was what compelled him to say his next words. “Y’know, just because of what’s happened, you don’t have to settle on being gay.”
Cash froze but didn’t look up.
“I’m just saying that no one knows…”
Cash raised his head, and Danny definitely wasn’t fond of the piercing look he got. “You want to keep it a secret?” Cash asked.
“Me? No. I’d be happy to shout about us to the world.”
No response. Just more of that awful stare.
“But I know I’m gay. This is all new to you.” Danny sipped his beer as an excuse to look away. “You might decide you like girls better after all.”
“Yeah. Sure. I’m all about picking up girls.” Nasty tone.
“You could be.”
Finally Cash dropped the stare and shoved food into his mouth. Danny did the same as he struggled for a good way out of this awkward conversation.
After his mouthful, Cash sat back and cast his gaze around the restaurant. There were only three other tables with anyone sitting. “You’re right. I don’t need to tell anyone.”
Danny waited.
“You’re leaving anyway.”
At that, Danny actually felt himself flinch. “Cash, I’m sorry. If I could stay…” He let his words trail off.
But Cash called him on it. “If you could stay, what?”
Good question. Danny gave it a moment’s consideration, inadvertently recalling his fantasies from the previous night. He put down his chopsticks and folded his arms on the table before him, leaning in. “If I could stay, I’d want to see how real this thing is between us.”
“It’s not real now?”
“You know what I mean. I might have to make you my boyfriend.”
Cash snorted. “Yeah, right.”
“Excuse me?”
“Like someone like you could want someone like me.”
“What? Where have you been the last month?”
“Okay, fine, maybe right now. But not long-term.”
Danny scowled.
Cash scowled right back. “I mean, come on. Look at my life, and look at yours. There’s no way it could work.”
Danny wanted so very badly to argue, but Cash was throwing all his own reasoning in his face. Cash was right. But Danny liked the reasons even less coming out of Cash’s mouth than they sounded in his own head. “It could work,” he heard himself say.
Cash laughed. Nasty. Hurtful. “Not a chance. You’d be bored with me so fast. Surprised you’re not now.” The last was muttered under his breath, but Danny easily figured out what he said.
“I could never be bored with you.”
Cash’s mouth dropped open in patent disbelief. “Do you even hear yourself?”
“Loud and clear. I love spending time with you.” I love you were the words he really said, in his head, and the echo of them rattling in his skull clogged his throat. Because it was true. And Cash couldn’t hear it. Nor could he say it.
“Now. Sure.” Cash glanced around for their waitress. “Can we go?”
Still dumbfounded by the voices in his head, Danny just nodded. They didn’t speak while they waited for the check, just finished up their food. Danny watched with clenched teeth while Cash paid the bill, then followed him into the night. Biting Chicago chill kept them huddled in their coats, yet another excuse not to speak. Danny used the time to try to collect his thoughts, but it was virtually impossible. I love you. He did. Perhaps it was soon. Too fast. But he’d known Cash longer than many of the men he’d dated. He liked Cash more than any of the men he’d dated. Every relationship he’d ever ha
d started with attraction, and only a handful had ended up as friends. He’d never started with a friendship before. But he’d never spent time with anyone like Cash. Always overlooked the quiet nerds. So he was in love. But that was horrible. He couldn’t be in love. He was on the threshold of living his dream, of being a star, of having groupies available for the taking and celebrities dying to know him. He needed to explore the world before he fell in love. He couldn’t be in a relationship while all that excitement was happening. It wasn’t fair to him. It wouldn’t be fair to Cash.
The love just couldn’t be.
But how was he supposed to handle that? He couldn’t tell Cash he loved him. Not if he was going to leave. But he didn’t want Cash to think all they had was just a fling. Because it wasn’t. It meant something, damn it. But admitting to that got too close to admitting deep feelings, and he was right back to it not being fair to Cash.
How fucked up was this?
He followed Cash into their building. Up the stairs. He still didn’t know what to say. What to do. Was it even fair to continue sleeping with him? Maybe he should move out now. But the thought of being without Cash when it wasn’t necessary hurt too damn much.
They entered the dark apartment and stripped off coats, gloves, and scarves. With his back to Danny, Cash started down the hallway. Danny stood near the front door, watching him. Cash paused in profile at the open door to Danny’s bedroom. He thought about it. Then he glanced at Danny. He was just a collection of shadows in the darkness, and Danny had to struggle for his overactive imagination not to see that as a premonition of his shadowy presence in Danny’s life.
Cash reached up to take off his glasses. “You coming?” Then he walked into Danny’s bedroom.
Danny rushed after him. They met at the mattress in a breathy tangle of lips and arms. Desperately, they tore at each other’s clothing to remove all of it, to get to skin on skin. It occurred to Danny he should probably slow things down, ease the tension some, but he couldn’t. He was desperate. He needed Cash more than he needed his next breath, and his cock demanded to find its place lodged deep inside Cash.
He found lube and condom in the dark. Cash rolled onto his knees as Danny put on the condom. But when Danny would have used his fingers to get Cash ready, his hands were slapped out of the way.
“Just fuck me,” Cash muttered, almost impossible to hear even in the quiet of the apartment.
But Danny heard. He’d swear he could hear their hearts beating. Taking Cash at his demand, Danny gripped his cock and pushed it past the resisting ring of Cash’s anus into the warm clench of his body.
“Cash…?”
Fingers dug into Danny’s flank, pulling him close. “More.”
Danny braced on the mattress to either side of Cash’s shoulders and used his weight to help push inside. When he was in as far as he could possibly go, he curled forward to rest his forehead between Cash’s shoulder blades. “God, Cash.”
“Danny.” Cash gripped some of his hair, used it to pull his head up closer to Cash’s face. “Move. Please.”
Danny kissed his neck and did as he was told. He rocked inside Cash until those beautiful little sounds started pouring out of Cash’s mouth. The ones that voiced his pleasure, that assured Danny he wasn’t alone in this. At some point, Danny’s hand found Cash’s, and their fingers intertwined. Cash had started on his knees, but now he was flat on his belly, pinned to the mattress by Danny’s weight. Danny bit and stroked and lapped at Cash’s neck as he kept thrusting deep. When Cash came on a cry, Danny had to bite Cash’s shoulder to keep from voicing protestations of love and devotion. Isn’t fair! He screamed silently at himself, eyes closed as he let go and surged toward his own release. Not fair! Tears of frustration welled in his eyes, but the ones that fell on Cash’s back were masked by the sweat on his skin. Danny’s sob of release could have just been that, but it was so much more. In that moment, he wanted to give up everything, every dream he’d ever had, just to stay in this room with the man beneath him.
Sanity returned as he caught his breath. He pressed his nose into the wet skin of Cash’s shoulder and got the tears under control. No fair, he let himself think. I wasn’t supposed to find you yet.
Chapter Thirteen
Danny leaned forward, elbows on knees, face in hands, and groaned. “What do I do?”
He heard Rabin shift on the bench next to him. “Damn, man, I don’t know.”
Danny sighed. He would have raked his hands through his hair, but it was currently gunked up with bleach in a plastic cap. They sat in a swanky salon, getting prettied up by a stylist Gordon had hired. The walls were paneled in dark wood, and soft lights from above reflected over and over again in a line of mirrors. Lance and Noble were in the chairs toward the front of the salon, getting their hair cut, while Danny and Rabin sat on a vinyl couch at the back. As Danny waited on bleach, Rabin endured color. Leonard, the stylist, assured Rabin his hair would be perfect chestnut when it was done. Rabin hadn’t gotten his head around how he could make his hair a more perfect color than it already was, but he was being a good sport about it. A call to Izzy to get his permission had helped too.
Never having dyed his hair before, Danny would have enjoyed the experience a lot more if he weren’t hung up on Cash. A week now since their dinner, and things seemed normal on the surface.
“He won’t talk to you at all?” Rabin asked.
“Not about us. Not that there really is an us.” Danny sat back, staring at the portrait of a male model with blue hair that hung between two mirrors on the wall opposite them. “And I haven’t really tried. I was so happy he was talking to me at all.” He gnawed on the side of his thumbnail. “Fuck, I dunno, it’s not fair.”
“You sure you’re in love?”
“Wish I wasn’t.”
“But are you sure?”
Danny turned his head to look into Rabin’s eyes. “We’ve had this conversation in reverse, you know.”
Months ago, in Los Angeles, the night they’d met, Danny had taken Rabin home with him. After talking for hours, sharing a common interest in music and learning that Rabin had once played for Heaven Sent and lived with Brent Rose over the summer, Danny admitted he’d lured Rabin home in hopes of getting him into bed. They had shared one very nice kiss, but that was as far as it went. Rabin had stopped him because, although things were on the rocks at the time, Rabin had already been in love with Izzy. Danny couldn’t very well forget that night and had developed a respect for Rabin that had grown into the deep friendship he now felt they had.
Rabin smiled, remembering. “Yeah, we have. That bad, huh?”
“Yeah.”
Rabin shook his head as he carefully scratched at his temple. “To use your own words: your timing sucks.”
“I know.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I was hoping you had suggestions.”
“I don’t. Bet Noble does.”
Danny groaned and glanced over to where Noble was conducting an animated discussion with their slim, talkative stylist. “Don’t think I’m up for Noble’s suggestions.” They shared a laugh. “I want to be with Cash. Like, all the time. I’ve never felt like this before.”
His friend nodded. “Sounds familiar.”
“But I can’t afford to be distracted right now. Not now.”
“I know.”
“And he’s so completely out of this life. He really could care less about any of it. And he hates crowds. Can’t stand clubbing.”
Rabin chuckled. “And you’re sure this is love?”
Danny laughed with him. “I know. It’s crazy. We’re nothing alike, share nothing in common, but…”
“Yeah. Izzy kinda bowled me over too.”
“What are you going to do? Being away from him for months?”
“Lots of phone calls and jerking off.” More laughing. “But Izzy understands. He knows what all this means. Besides, he knows I’m coming back.”
Danny nodded. “Cash
understands in a way, but it’s just not his thing.”
“He’s never even seen us play, has he?”
“Once. He came but didn’t stay.”
“Why not?”
“Didn’t like the club scene.”
“At Jefferson Douglas?”
“I know. Mild. He’d freak if he got into the White Tiger.” Danny had only been there once, but he knew Reese and Luc’s club in New York was a freaking madhouse on any given night. “But it’s just not his mindset. It’s like when he tries to explain what he does to me.” Danny waved a hand above the plastic cap that covered his hair. “Way over my head.”
“Crazy. You still having sex?”
“Yeah.”
Rabin shrugged. “Maybe for right now you just take what you can get. We go on tour. You stay in touch. Then see what happens when we get back. Who knows, maybe you’ll fall out of love.”
Danny glared at him.
Rabin held up his hands, palms out. “Hey, don’t get mad. It could happen. You’ve only been with him for, what, a month?”
Danny started to pout. “This is not how it was supposed to be.”
“When is life ever how you think it should be?”
Danny snorted. “Damn it, get me a piece of paper. I just thought of some lyrics.”
* * * *
Danny saw the caller ID on his cell phone and immediately picked up. “Hey, Iz.”
“Hello, sexy man. You decent?”
Danny glanced down at his long-sleeved thermal shirt, sweatpants, and thick socks. “Yeah. Why?”
“Is your lover decent?”
Cash sat beside him, sunk deep into the couch, eyes glued on the television. It was the one night of the week they’d both managed to take off, and they were exhausted. After Danny’s two nights of shows, he’d taken every shift he could at the pizzeria to get some extra money in the bank. A project at school had kept Cash away for long hours. Tonight was especially important—to Danny at least—since they only had about a week before he left. Sex was surely in the cards for later in the night, but right now both of them were enjoying the prospect of an evening watching ridiculous primetime dramas.
“Why?” Danny asked the phone.
“Have you eaten?”
