by Mj Fields
“Tatiana, you’ve gotta hang up now.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
Another pause.
“Red button,” he whispers.
“Okay.”
No words, yet I can’t bring myself to turn off the call.
“Totty,” he says, and my heart flutters at the nickname. “Gotta rest.”
“Okay.”
Nothing.
“Talk to me,” Jagger says, and I hear him moving around. “I can’t come to you right now. I’m sorry.”
“Jagger.” I pause, not sure I can get words out.
“Totty, whatever you need.” He sighs. “Whatever. I’ll make it happen.”
“Jagger, is he…?” I feel the lump build in my throat and close my eyes. “Is my father…? Is he…really dead?”
His hesitation is all the answer I need. “Totty, this is not a conversation I want to have when I’m not in front of you.”
“I did it, didn’t I?”
He lets out a frustrated growl. “No, he fell down the stairs.”
“Don’t lie to me, Jagger Caldwell.”
“One thing I won’t do is lie, Totty. You need to know the man I am, the man my momma raised me to be. I am a lot of things, but a liar isn’t one of them. Even when it hurts, baby—and believe me, shit is gonna hurt sometimes—I’ll tell you the truth.” He pauses, waiting for my reply. I say nothing. “Totty, you did not have anything to do with what happened to your old man. He was a drunk who fell down the stairs like drunks do.”
“The cops…the cops…” I stutter.
“The cops, nothing. Johnny and his boys in blue had their chance to save you, and they didn’t. Whatever happened to your old man, it happened, but, baby, it wasn’t on you.”
“Are they looking for me?”
Once again, his hesitation is all the answer I need.
“Totty—” he starts.
“No, Jagger!” I cut him off sharply. “Are the police looking for me? Is that why you are staying away…to keep them from finding me? If I didn’t kill him, why are they looking for me?”
He breathes heavily in the phone. “You gonna make everything difficult?” he whispers more to himself than as if he intended for me to hear, so I don’t reply. “They are looking for you, but not because of your old man’s tumble. He reported you missing, so they have been looking for you since before he was found.”
“Then I should turn myself in just so they know I didn’t do it.”
“You’re a minor. I’m also not sure what paperwork your father ever did for you to come here. Stay in the hotel until your birthday. Then we can straighten all of this out.”
I don’t understand why he cares. My father is dead. As a result, Jagger Caldwell doesn’t have to look out for me anymore.
“I can go home, Jagger.”
“Not until you’re legal, you can’t. You’ve got no one here. The system is whack. They will have you in a halfway house for juveniles and tied up until you lose everything. Sit tight till your birthday, and then we can sort out the future.”
My mind goes crazy with so many thoughts. I have only Jagger’s word and this connection we share to rely on. I have never felt like a kid, never felt young until this very moment when my naïveté makes me feel like a complete fool. How can I trust a stranger? How can I not? I have been in a bubble of my father’s making, and I know nothing of real life. I am not a child—he beat that out of me years ago—but I certainly don’t know the first thing about living as an adult.
The silence stretches between us.
“Totty, you gonna sit tight till Livi gets there with breakfast?”
Reality hits me like a punch to the gut, and my stomach twists. “It’s not like I have anywhere else to go.”
“Little one,” he whispers. “Please, I went insane trying to find you, only to find out you were with Cobra.”
“He was nice.”
“He’s far from nice, Tatiana.” His statement is firm and serious.
“He has been nothing but nice to me.” I defend my only friend other than Jagger.
What I have with Cobra is completely different than Jagger. I would describe things with Cobra as that of a sibling. He’s like the brother I never had.
“Stay away from him and his crew.”
“It doesn’t matter. I won’t see him here, and here is where I will be, remember?” I snap, not knowing why. Jagger has only been nice to me. Only I wish he were here right now and not keeping me hidden like I did something wrong if I really didn’t.
“Don’t get testy.” He pauses. “I don’t want to upset you, Totty. I want to take care of you.”
“It’s late. You should rest.”
“Lock the door,” he calmly reminds.
I don’t reply. I move to the door and slide the lock into place. Going back to the bed, I climb in with my slippers on as usual. I wiggle my toes against the soft fabric lining as I listen to Jagger breathe in the phone.
“Good night, little one.”
“Good night, Jagger Caldwell,” I whisper yet don’t hang up. The silence stretches on, and I have to look to the phone’s screen to see if he disconnected the call.
“Hang up, Totty.”
“You first,” I challenge.
“Good night, Tatiana.” My name rolls off his tongue, smooth as silk.
We sit in silence, neither of us speaking and neither of us disconnecting the call.
“Jagger?” I whisper.
“Totty?” he replies, and I can hear the smile in his voice.
Looking to the bedside clock, I see it is nearly four in the morning.
“Can you hold the phone till I fall asleep?” I ask, ashamed that I feel so vulnerable.
“Anything you want, little one.”
Without another word, I snuggle down into the bed and fall asleep. What is it about Jagger Caldwell that keeps all the bad things away?
Chapter 13
Jagger
I didn’t sleep for shit. I couldn’t sleep with the thought that she was alone. I grab my phone and call her, knowing damn well I shouldn’t. Hell, if this shit goes badly, Johnny could have me arrested for aiding and abetting.
She answers, not saying shit. Good girl.
“Did you sleep well?”
“I think so.” Her sleepy voice is sexy as hell, and my morning wood gets even harder to ignore.
I jump out of bed and make my way across Hendrix’s place to the bathroom to take a piss.
I hear her giggle.
“What’s so funny?”
“You’re peeing.” She giggles again.
“My dick’s nothing to laugh about, little one,” I say as I shake it off and then wash my hands.
“Good touch,” she whispers, flirting with me.
Damn, I think to myself, and a moan escapes my mouth. She mimics my sound, and I nearly lose my mind.
“I want good touch,” she whispers to me, “from you.”
“Fuck,” I say, shaking my head.
She sighs.
“Listen, that’s not what you and I are all about, you feel me?”
“Oh,” she says in a sad voice that makes my chest ache.
“What I mean is that—”
“I understand,” she says softly.
“No, I don’t think you do. It was never my intention to be nice to you so I could get into your panties. I wanted to make you safe, keep you safe. Shit went wrong after the fight that first night. I stepped over some lines, and I don’t want you to think that’s what this is about. I can get my dick wet anywhere, you understand?”
The phone goes dead, and I am left in shock.
Fuck that.
I dial her back, and she doesn’t say shit again when she accepts the call.
“Don’t fucking hang up on me, you understand?”
“Don’t yell at me, you understand?”
I hear drawers slamming. “Stop whatever the fuck it is you’re doing and listen to me!”
“Why don
’t you go give whoever it is you want some of that good touch, Jagger Caldwell, and leave me alone. Maybe I could go see my friend and let him take care of me until I can go home and—”
“Over his dead body,” I growl.
“The saying is over my dead body,” she says in a pissy little tone that hits me right in the junk.
“Not in this fucking situation. You go to him, Tatiana Rand, and I swear it’ll be over his.”
During the silence that stretches between us, I remain pissed off about her saying that shit about Cobra.
“Then you better not touch anyone else, either,” she says quietly.
I can’t help smiling, wishing I could see her asserting herself the way she is. “Don’t you worry about what I do.”
“Then you should probably not worry about what I do.”
“Impossible,” comes out of my mouth before I can even think straight.
Silence again.
“You there?” I ask.
“Yes,” she says on a sigh.
“What are you thinking about?”
“You. I’m thinking about you and the way you make me feel. I’ve never felt like this before, Jagger, so you either just step away and let me deal with the mess I have created, or you tell me it’s okay that I feel as jealous over what you just said about…touching someone else as you seem to feel when I mention his name.”
“I don’t want you to feel any way about me, Tatiana, except that you trust me to help you. I also should mention I did say I could get my dick wet anywhere, but I never said I was gonna. You also need to know that, as much as I don’t want you feeling any way about me, I sure as hell can’t turn off what I feel about you. So…” I sigh and shake my head.
“So…” She sighs back.
A couple minutes go by with neither of us saying anything.
“You still there?” I ask.
“Uh-huh,” she says, sounding like she’s crying.
“Damn, little one, don’t cry.”
“I—” She stops. “I’ve never felt the way I do about you.”
“You’ll be running toward something better than me someday. There just hasn’t been anyone else yet, but there will be.”
“There has been someone else. Cobra was very nice to me, and guess what? I felt nothing for him other than friendship. Nothing.”
“It’s a good damn thing. I’d kill him.”
She laughs, and damn if it isn’t the sweetest sound I ever heard.
“I’m not coming within a mile of you until you’re eighteen or until you decide how bad I would be for you.”
“Someone’s at the door.” She sounds nervous as hell, and I am feeling that way too.
“Go look out the peephole and tell me what you see.”
I hear her feet pad across the floor. “It’s a woman with a bag.”
“Keep the chain latched and open it.”
She does, and I hear Livi’s voice. “Hi, Tatiana. I’m Livi Caldwell, Jagger’s sister.”
“Open it up, little one. She’s one of the good guys.”
“He says open the door,” she says to Livi.
“I’ll wait,” Livi says in the background.
“Two more days and we should be all set and ready to get you living the way you deserve to be,” I tell her.
“I hope she likes me,” Tatiana whispers.
“She will. I’ll call you tonight, okay?”
“Okay,” she says, then hangs up.
I head to the kitchen and make a shake. I couldn’t eat if I wanted to right now, but there is no way I am going to lose what I have been working so hard to gain. It’s not just the strength or the weight, though. I need to know I can protect her always, especially with Cobra hot on her heels. Cat and mouse, fuck that!
While slamming down the shake, my phone rings, showing Shaw’s number.
“What’s up, old man?” I answer, keeping it light, especially now with death looming over his head.
“Meet me at the hospital. The ambulance just took Shaw in.” I hear Kid’s voice break. “It’s not good, man, not good at all.”
“On my way.” I head up and run in my room to grab my clothes. This can’t be it. I can’t lose someone else.
While I’m throwing them on, Hendrix peeks in.
“You okay?”
“Fuck no, I’m not okay!” I yell, then break. My knees hit the floor, and I scream out in rage as my fists pound against the wood over and over again.
Hendrix grabs me from behind and jacks my arms back. “What the fuck is going on? Is it the girl? Livi is with her, so spill it, goddamn you!”
“It’s Shaw.” I pull my arms away. “He’s dying. Got cancer.”
“Aw, fuck, Jagger.” He releases my arms.
I slap away the tears I feel heating up my skin and jump up. “I gotta go. He just got taken to the hospital.”
“I’ll drive you. Let’s go.”
—
I sit next to Shaw, holding the old man’s hand, while Kid sits on the other side, doing the same. Hendrix steps out to call Livi and let her know what is going on when the doctor walks in.
Kid and I both stand as she grabs Shaw’s chart from the end of his bed. She makes her way over to the machine, hits a few buttons, writes some shit down, and then walks back to the foot of the bed and looks at us.
“Mr. Shaw has a DNR.” She looks at Kid. “You failed to let the EMTs know that.”
His eyes narrow as he shrugs.
She looks at me. “You are his healthcare proxy, Mr. Caldwell.”
“I’m what?”
“It means you make the choices here as to what happens, but by him signing the DNR four months ago, it’s not up to you. If he codes again, we can’t bring him back. If you two”—she looks between us—“have issues with that, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”
“They won’t have an issue,” Hendrix says as he walks in, shoving his phone in his pocket. “They may look like a couple of badasses who would put up a fight, but they are loyal to the old man.” She seems to relax a bit, and he reaches out his hand. “Hendrix Caldwell.”
She smiles and shakes his hand. “I knew the Caldwell name was familiar, but Hendrix is unforgettable. Your wife is a social worker. Olivia, right?”
“Yeah.” He nods and smiles.
“Good.” She looks back. “He doesn’t want to suffer, and he doesn’t want the two of you to, either. We will make him as comfortable as possible.”
An hour later, I can’t fight the sickness in my stomach anymore. I hate hospitals, the smell, the sounds of the machines, the fucking uncomfortable chairs.
“I’m gonna step out. You want coffee?”
Kid shakes his head. “Take your time. When you get back, I’ll take a walk too.”
I lean down and kiss the old man’s head. “Not ready to let you go, champ. You’re like a father to me, better than any man I ever knew. Fuck, Shaw, I love you, man.”
Half an hour later, I am waving goodbye to Hendrix. I told him I would run back to the waterfront, and he knows I need to let off steam.
When I walk back in the hospital room, I hear a familiar sound, and I run in.
Kid is on his knees next to Shaw’s bed, and I hear him sniffling. I look up as the nurses and the doc come rushing in.
I push past them and hold his hand while he takes his last breath.
Chapter 14
Tatiana
“Hi,” I say shyly, opening the door for Olivia Caldwell.
She smiles big at me from behind her glasses. She has this ease about her that soothes me.
Olivia moves to the sitting area and drops shopping bags on the couch. “All right, girlie, it’s time to have some fun!” Her excitement bubbles over, and she snorts, making me cover my mouth to hide my own laugh. “I don’t know what you like, but Jagger gave me sizes from what he’s been getting you, and I got a little variety. I can take back whatever you don’t like.”
I pause, taking in the moment. For the first tim
e in my entire life, a female bought me clothes. I have never had anything purchased for me by a woman. A lot of my stuff actually came from evicted tenants when we seized their contents after they got served or the people who moved on and just left their junk behind. I taught myself to sew by hand with a small sewing kit enough to repair the worn hand-me-downs.
My life feels like I am on a crazy merry-go-round. I am spinning and spinning. Will it ever stop? When I step off and into the real world, what happens next? My father is dead. I am hiding in a hotel room, trusting that I didn’t kill the man who gave me life, based on the word of a man I barely know. Suddenly everything is blurry, and the room is spinning.
I sit on the couch and drop my head to my hands.
“Tatiana?” Olivia says softly.
I look up at her, feeling like a child.
Jagger hates my father. Would he tell me the truth about his death? I haven’t had much in life, but everything I did have up until six months ago, literally everything, was provided by him. Now he is gone, and I probably did it.
“This is supposed to be fun, not sad.” She rubs her butt, and I am curious if she has an itch. “Be in the moment.”
I raise an eyebrow at her in question.
“I don’t know all your problems, but I do know you mean something to Jagger. For Caldwells, everything is about family.” She starts to rub her butt again, then stops herself, biting her bottom lip. “Be in the moment. Right now, let go of everything going on in your head and let’s have girl time. We don’t know each other, but I hope, by the end of the day, we do.”
And that is when my day with Livi starts. She is a firecracker, full of energy. Even with her little baby bump, she doesn’t slow down.
I try on so many outfits I can’t remember which bottoms go with which tops to over half of them. She giggles and snorts when we come to the final bag.
“Tatiana, I should tell you something.”
“Okay,” I say cautiously.
“I love panties!” she squeals, her energy infectious. The time with her has allowed me not to think of the future or the past, but to be in the moment.
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re crazy?”
Heat flashes in her eyes. “Hendrix does all the time.”
We both laugh. Then I pause. When was the last time I laughed before Jagger? Emotions flood me. I can’t remember a single time I have laughed with my father. Livi has spent hours here, talking about the Caldwell family and her family with her mother and half-brothers as well as her father, who is recovering. She has all these people around her, and she laughs freely, yet I haven’t ever laughed with the only family I have—correction: had.
