by Noelle Adams
“Nothing. I’m just tired of thinking I’m going to get something good out of life, only to have it snatched away from me.”
She knew she shouldn’t have said that when her mom peered at her anxiously.
“Don’t worry about it, mom. I’m just in a glum mood today. I’m tired.” She was tired. It felt like she worked every minute of the day, and she still had very little to show for it.
“I know you are. You work too hard. But you know that God usually has something better planned to give us.”
Alice released a long breath. “Yeah.” Her tone wasn’t exactly gracious, but she did try not to sound too impatient.
“He does.”
“I know. I know that. I just wish, for once, I would want what he decides to give me.”
Her mom didn’t reply. She just reached over and put a hand on her back.
The supportive gesture, for some reason, made Alice’s shoulders shake with emotion.
“Oh, sweetie,” her mom said, pulling her into a hug. “I’m so sorry. But are you sure this is a good idea? It’s already messing up your emotions. He’s always done that to you.”
“I’m fine. I really am. I’m just tired.” She smiled as she pulled away from her mother, wiping away her tears with her fingers. “It’s not Micah’s fault. He needs me right now. So does Cara. And I need…I need to be needed.”
“Okay.” Her mom didn’t look convinced. “Just please be careful.”
“Micah isn’t going to do anything to hurt me. He’s a good man. You know how much he’s changed in the last year.”
“I know he has. I’m not saying he’d ever do anything on purpose. But men…men sometimes take what we give them, just because it’s offered, without giving anything back in return.”
***
Alice had pulled herself together again when she drove over to Micah’s parents’ house to pick up Cara.
She liked the Duncans, and she was glad they were willing to help out when neither she nor Micah could watch Cara. But she didn’t feel like socializing this afternoon, so she hoped she wouldn’t get trapped there for a long chat.
As soon as she greeted Nora Duncan, her eyes flew across the room to where Cara was sleeping. She went over immediately, having to resist the urge to pick the baby up and cuddle her greedily after being away from her all day.
“She’s been kind of fussy today,” Nora said, coming over to stand beside her. “She finally went down about an hour ago.”
“Thanks for watching her.”
“Of course. Any time. It’s our pleasure.”
As if she’d heard Alice’s voice, Cara started stirring then and her blue eyes squinted open. “Hey, there,” Alice said with a smile, reaching down to pick her up, now that she was allowed. “Did we wake you up?”
Cara squirmed grumpily and grabbed a fistful of Alice’s hair.
“Ouch. You can’t have my hair.” She reached down to pick up a soft toy. “Here. Have this. Your grandma and granddad gave it to you.”
Cara contented herself with the yellow dog and flapped it around to vent her displeasure.
Nora chuckled. “She doesn’t seem to be in a better mood now than she was earlier.”
“You don’t think she’s sick or anything, do you?”
“Not that I could tell. Just grouchy.”
“Okay. I better get her back. Thanks again.”
“Any time. Tell Micah we said ‘hi.’”
“Sure.” Alice snapped Cara into her carrier and reached down for the bag that was already packed with the baby’s supplies.
“Is he all right, do you think?”
Alice had been about to leave, but she stopped at the unexpected question. “What?”
“Micah? Do you think he’s doing all right?”
“I…I think so.”
“I’m just worried about him, and he won’t talk to me.”
Understanding where the questioning was coming from now, Alice shifted Cara’s bag onto her other shoulder. “I think he’s doing okay. It’s been hard for him, of course. But he’s handling it pretty well. A lot of men would have cracked under the pressure.”
“I know. We’re so proud of him. And we’re so happy about our granddaughter. But I think maybe he thinks we’re…we’re ashamed. Because of the way she happened.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t—” Alice broke off the words, since she wasn’t sure they were even true.
“I think maybe he does, so he’s been kind of distant lately. We’re not ashamed. You know we’re not ashamed, right?”
“Of course, I know that. You’ve been wonderful.”
“Can you see if you can make sure Micah knows? Of course, we were worried when he was…when he wasn’t living what he believes. But we were so happy when he came back to his faith and to us, really. We’re so proud of him. Me and his dad, both. He won’t believe me when I tell him, but I want him to really know that. Can you try to make sure he knows?”
Alice was feeling emotional and rattled and confused. “I’ll try. I don’t know if he’ll believe me either, but I can try.”
“Of course, he’ll believe you. I’m so happy he has Cara now. I really think she’s going to be good for him. Help him live out the man he already is. And now that he has you again, I can really sleep at night.”
“Oh.” Alice gulped, even more rattled than before. Her cheeks flushed hot. “He doesn’t have m—I just babysit for Cara.”
Nora laughed and leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Of course, you do, dear. We’re so glad you do.”
Alice had no idea what that meant or why Nora looked so pleased. She was afraid that Micah’s mother was laboring under a very false assumption about her relationship with Micah.
But there was nothing to do about that now. She just said a quick goodbye, grabbed the carrier and bag, and headed for her car.
It made the same funny noise on the way home, and she started to mentally count up the money in her bank account to see when she’d be able to afford to get her car worked on.
She got her church paycheck and her first paycheck from Micah next week, so she should be fine then. Surely, her car would hold out that long.
Her musings were interrupted by squalling from Cara, who was evidently still in the fussy mood she’d been in all day.
She cried off and on while Alice prepared the chicken casserole. Micah had been working today, and he had a deacon’s meeting at the church at six, but that should only last an hour, so he’d be home a little after seven.
The casserole would be ready right around then. Then there would be plenty of leftovers for the next day or two. It wasn’t like she was trying to impress Micah or anything. It just would have been silly for Alice to cook for herself and not make enough for him too. He evidently didn’t cook at all, so otherwise he’d live on fast food and protein bars.
Cara’s mood continued to deteriorate.
Alice tried everything as the casserole cooked. She fed her. Changed her. Played with her. Rocked her in the big recliner. Talked to her. Even sang to her—which unfortunately only made her scream louder.
Seven came and went, and no Micah appeared. In a lull in the histrionics, Alice took the casserole out of the oven and cleaned up the kitchen. But, at seven thirty, Micah still hadn’t shown up.
Since she was starving, she ate some herself, while Cara gurgled unhappily.
Alice was exhausted and frustrated and kind of disappointed, so she felt like gurgling unhappily herself.
When she’d eaten, she gave Cara her bath, but instead of relaxing her it seemed to enrage her. She flailed dramatically as Alice tried to put her pajamas on and screamed when she tried to rock her.
Groaning in discouragement, Alice picked the baby up and walked and bounced her around the house. She walked to the front windows and paced up and down in front of them, looking out on the street for Micah’s car.
He’d temporarily swapped cars with a friend of his, so he’d have a backseat to put Cara’s car seat
, so he’d be driving an SUV instead of his truck.
The Deacon’s meeting didn’t usually take so long. Maybe something had come up.
Cara screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed, until Alice was almost in tears.
“I don’t know what else to do, honey,” she murmured, a thick edge in her voice. “I don’t know what you want.”
Cara’s only response was more wails.
She was about to try to feed her again, since the baby hadn’t wanted her whole bottle earlier, when she saw car lights outside.
She looked out and saw a car stopping in front of the house. It was a blue mid-size sedan. Definitely not the SUV. But Micah was getting out of it.
Peering more closely, Alice saw who was in the driver’s seat.
Lydia Morgan. Gorgeous, red-haired, confident, always successful Lydia Morgan.
Alice had assumed the deacon’s meeting had run long, but evidently it hadn’t. Micah must have been hanging out with Lydia afterwards—having dinner or something.
While Alice was here with his screaming daughter, cooking him a casserole that he clearly didn’t need.
Her already bad day seemed to reach its final culmination with this knowledge. Alice was so upset she was almost shaking with it.
How stupid could she be? Her rules were supposed to protect her from things like this—planning out scenarios based on nothing but fantasy and wishful thinking.
Cara was still crying loudly, right in her ear, so Alice walked her into her nursery and sat down on the chair, trying once more to rock her, trying to not be so upset.
Nothing had changed, really. This wasn’t a big deal. It just confirmed what she’d already known.
She’d never been anything but stupid with men. And trying to start her new life hadn’t changed it.
“Alice,” Micah called, coming in the side door as always. “I’m home.”
Alice couldn’t get her voice to work, but Cara was loud enough to clue him in on their location.
He appeared in the doorway. “Is she all right?”
“Yeah. Just fussy.” Alice sounded too uneven, so she cleared her throat. “How was the meeting?”
“Fine.” Micah was peering at her closely. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Cara just hasn’t been in a good mood today.” She had to speak up to be heard over the crying.
Micah reached out for his daughter, and Alice released her, getting up and running her hands over her hair in a futile attempt to settle her emotions.
Cara didn’t seem to be happier in his arms than in Alice’s, since the screaming continued.
“Is she hungry?”
“I fed her. I tried everything. She’s just unhappy.”
“Does she need to be changed?” He pulled the baby’s pajamas and diapers out enough to check their condition.
“I told you. I fed her. I changed her. I gave her a bath. I tried her chair and her toys and her music and everything else. She’s just unhappy.”
When her voice got a little shrill, Alice knew she needed to stop talking, so she left the nursery and headed for the kitchen.
To her annoyance, Micah followed her. “Was she really bad?”
“She wasn’t bad. She’s just having a fussy day.” Alice had forgotten about her neglected casserole, so she quickly grabbed the foil to cover it.
“That smells good,” Micah said, inspecting the dish, holding Cara with one arm.
Alice covered it before he could reach in to grab a pinch with his fingers. She felt stupid about even making it now, since he’d probably gotten something to eat with Lydia. “It will warm up.” She slid the big pan into an empty space in the refrigerator and felt ridiculously like she might cry. “What happened to the SUV?”
“Oh. Daniel needed to borrow it tomorrow morning.”
She waited to see if he’d mention what he’d been doing with Lydia, but he didn’t.
“Are you okay?” he asked, peering at her again.
“I’m fine. Just tired.”
“You look upset. Did something happen?” His voice had gotten slightly hoarse, as if he were genuinely concerned.
And that just upset her even more. She had to fight to suppress the tears. “I said I’m fine.”
“But I can tell you’re not fine. Did someone do something?” He sounded like he was ready to spring to her defense.
“Would you stop it?” She had to speak loudly, since Cara’s cries had turned back into screams. “I said I’m fine.” She turned around and quickly swiped a stray tear away.
He put his hand on her shoulder to turn her back around to face him. “Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong? Did I do something?”
He had absolutely no idea. He was clearly completely bewildered and very unhappy about his confusion.
Of course, he didn’t know what he could have done to upset her. Because he hadn’t done anything wrong.
The reason she was upset right now was entirely her own fault.
“No, of course not,” she said. “I’m just really tired, and that makes me emotional. It’s hormones or something.” She thought that would shut him up, since any time she’d mentioned hormones to Bill, he’d backed off like it was the plague.
But Micah just stood there, holding his daughter and frowning at her. He’d been over at one of his jobs that day, so he wore jeans and a t-shirt. He looked big and rugged and handsome and displeased with her, and all of it made a strange contrast to his squirming daughter in pink pajamas.
And Alice really had to get out of here fast, before she said something she couldn’t take back.
“Are you going to be okay with her? I’d like to get to bed early and catch up on some sleep.”
“Okay,” he said slowly, still frowning at her suspiciously. “I’ll be fine. Are you sure you’re—”
“I’m fine.” She grabbed her purse, gave Cara a quick kiss, and fled, without even saying goodnight to Micah.
Up in her little apartment, she jumped in the shower and cried a little, but felt better when she got out.
It wasn’t the end of the world. It was a bad day, but nothing really had changed.
She wasn’t going to pout or feel sorry for herself. She’d slipped up with her rules, but she’d start over again the next morning.
She would do better. She wouldn’t start to daydream or interpret Micah’s behavior in ways that gave her hope that had no foundation.
She had a lot of good things in her life. Easter was less than two weeks away now. It had always been her favorite time of the year and would center her mind on what was really important.
Not silly dreams about a man she could never have.
To distract herself, she checked her email and was surprised to find an email from the library of a small college outside of Asheville.
She’d applied there more than two months ago and had written it off as a loss when she hadn’t heard anything.
But here was an email, asking if she was available for an interview next week.
An interview. For a full-time job at a college library. Exactly what she was looking for.
Almost two hours away.
She really should be happy about it.
Five
On Saturday morning, Micah came over to bolt her bathroom shelves more securely into the wall, to prevent any further catastrophes.
He’d set Cara on a mat on the floor of the main room, but she’d eventually fallen asleep. Alice was ostensibly watching her while Micah worked, but mostly she was using it as an excuse not to watch Micah, since that might incline her mind in bad directions.
Micah kept talking to her, though. Just casual small talk about the big rummage sale the church was organizing and her work in the library, but she had to keep coming into the hall to stand in the bathroom doorway so they weren’t talking between rooms.
Which meant she had to see him work.
Her eyes kept slipping to his tight butt and strong legs in his worn jeans. To his broad shoulders and po
werful back beneath the fabric of his t-shirt. To the way his impressive biceps tightened and rippled as he held the shelving unit in place.
She wondered what it would feel like to touch him—his arms, shoulders, back, legs, butt. She wondered what his big, callused hands would feel like if they touched her.
“Did you hear me?” Micah asked, glancing over his shoulder.
Alice’s cheeks blazed as his voice pierced her heated thoughts. “What…yes, no…what?”
His brow lowered in confusion as he turned back to unsuccessfully try to move the now bolted shelving unit.
She forced herself to pull it together, furious with herself for letting her mind go down such futile paths. Admiring—wanting—a man she could never have would only lead to misery. “Sorry,” she said. “What did you say?”
“I said I was wondering if you…” He trailed off strangely, his eyes still on the shelves. “I was thinking about taking Cara on a hike this afternoon, since it’s such a nice day.”
Alice recovered enough to hide her previous fluster with a joke. “How far do you think she’ll make it up the trail?”
Micah laughed, a little distractedly, evidently still ascertaining that the shelf was stable. “I got a backpack thing for her. It won’t be a long hike. Just an hour or two.”
“That will be fun.”
“I was wondering if you wanted to come.”
Alice blinked. “Oh. Sure. I’ll be happy to help with her. And I like to hike.” She smiled, since the hike sounded a lot more fun than her previous plans for the afternoon—which had been to clean house and try not to daydream about Micah.
He turned partly toward her, so she could see his profile. He had a strange expression. “Well, I didn’t mean you’d have to—”
Cara cried then, so Alice went back into the living room to pick her up. She checked her diaper, but it was dry, so she carried her back to the bathroom.
“Is she okay?” Micah asked.
“Yeah. She’s probably just hungry.” Alice jostled the baby, relieved when Cara’s crying tapered off into little whimpers.
“I’m almost done here. I’ll take her home to feed her in just a minute.”
