“You did?” I ask, sounding hoarse.
“Yes.” She reaches up and kisses my mouth. “And I know that if we split up, I wouldn’t find myself in a clinic, alone and getting tested, just to make sure… that wouldn’t ever happen to me with you.”
“It wouldn’t.” My face contorts just at the thought of it.
“I’m perfectly fertile and uninfected,” she says, “they checked. I had to be reassured. He made me feel dirtier than any slip in the mud or any lecherous git touching me up in a nightclub. He made me feel like I meant so little to him. It tarnished every bit of time I ever spent with him, whether as lovers or friends… and the bit that hurt the most? That he tarnished the friendship most of all. And for what? A few minutes of messing me around? He didn’t hurt me or damage my body, but he raped my trust, and for what gain? I just hope he’s proud of what he did because he doesn’t have much else to be proud of, that’s all I’ll say.”
That bastard… I would whoop his arse if I ever saw him again. If I knew I could absolutely get away with it, I’d kill him, but a good whooping would suffice. It’s time to make an admission of my own.
“The thought of cheating makes me feel ill. The other night I went for a drink with the woman playing my mother in the play… thought it was completely innocent… then she touched my knee under the table and I bolted. I ran for it. It was awful, Lily. The thought of ever hurting you, I’d die, it’d kill me. I can’t explain it, but I’d do anything not to hurt you. I can’t put myself in Paul’s shoes, I can’t. I only hope that I’m enough.”
I shan’t tell Lily that for a tiny, microscopic even, split second… I may have considered letting the middle-aged woman suck me, just to help me forget the uncertainty I was struggling with over Lily. It was literally a second or two of madness and I tossed it out immediately. I wouldn’t ever do that to her. I wouldn’t ever use a woman to get over another one, either.
“You’re different,” she says, “and that’s what I love about you. And that’s why I feel happy. You made me see I didn’t have to keep punishing myself. I can just be happy.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes,” she insists, “yes, yes, yes.”
I buss my nose to hers and admit, “You’re going to think I’m a sad loser, but the truth is, I don’t think I ever knew love before you. Not from my mother, not from anyone. Maybe from Adam, although that’s different and a brotherly bond more than anything. Do you know what I mean?”
“I know exactly what you mean,” she says. “I know exactly.”
She kisses me until I’m reassured, and then in that way of hers, she chucks me under the chin and says, “Now be a lad and order me some fucking food. I’m dying here.”
I search for my phone and get right on it, laughing all the while as she champs at the bit.
Chapter Nineteen
Within a few days, she discovers the offer to work in the beauty industry was just one misguided beauty exec’s attempt to discover someone new, but there was no foundation to the offer – basically because the woman Lily ran into in the Ivy’s bathroom doesn’t have the power to make someone a star, only to dream of it – I’ve tried to tell Lily.
I’m on the train to Leeds late on Saturday night, desperate to see her again. We’ve spent our evenings this week talking about the future and what other offers of work I’ve received. I’ve been honest and said there have been other offers, but New York is somewhere I’ve always wanted to go – and the play in question really interests me. Lily and I will talk it over some more soon enough. I can tell she’s listless and doesn’t really know what to do with herself. She quit the secondment to the police and seems a little happier to be working up at the hospital again, but still, I can tell she feels like she’s still flailing – like she doesn’t belong. There’s a lot she needs to come to terms with, I think; how life has bashed her about a bit, made her less than herself.
She’s waiting in the car outside the station and starts the engine up when she sees me. I chase towards her as she gets closer to the no-parking zone. She pulls up and I jump in, immediately assaulted by her mouth the moment we’re in each other’s space. She’s all over me and I love it.
“Let’s get home,” she growls, speeding away.
“How’s your day been, kitten?” I’m belting up and wondering if I can hold this erection all the way home.
“Oh, I’ve been meandering around shops, wondering what the fuck to get my sister for her birthday,” she laughs sarcastically.
“What did you end up getting her?”
“Well, I ended up in the toy shop… the adult kind…” She looks over and winks. “Thought I’d get her something seeing as though she’s had none in ages, having broken up with Barry… Gary… Darry… Warry… whatever his name was, anyway, I decided she wouldn’t appreciate a toy. Being such a prude, she’d tell me to send it back. So, instead, I bought myself… well, ourselves some new toys, then I went down to the Body Shop and handed the sales girl a basket, told her to fill it with fifty quid’s worth of stuff and Bob’s your uncle, it was done.”
“Umm, toys, eh?” Erection is holding up well.
“Not the crap ones, either. The good ones.”
“There’s a difference?”
“Oh, trust me. I’m a vibrator afficionado.”
“I can’t wait to learn more.”
She laughs madly and gets us home in no time.
We’re running up the stairs and entwined on the couch before I’ve even blinked – toys be damned. My jacket is tossed away, she’s pantless again and I’m rolling on a condom before she can even ask what it is I’m doing. The buttons of her dress pop open and she’s fucking braless too.
“Hmmmm,” she moans, satisfied as I fill her.
She drags my t-shirt off over my head and I sink my face into her neck, breathing in her scent and her lust.
She grips my arse in her hands as I lever against the unhelpfully soft cushions of the sofa, somehow still managing to bang her senseless.
She lifts her hips right off the sofa and comes. “Oh, oh, ohhh…”
I let go at the sensation of her clamping around me hard, then softly fluttering. I leave her body and we cuddle on the sofa, side by side. Stroking the back of my hand along the slope of her breasts, she watches me and smiles.
“What toys did you get, then?”
“A butt plug… an anal vibrator… for men.” I chuckle at that as does she. “I also got… a strap-on.”
“For whom?” My eyes are wide.
“It’s for you. To wear, I mean,” she giggles. “Your cock goes underneath and there’s the little… thing… above. So you could, I mean, only if you wanted to, double fuck me.”
“Savage woman.” I bite her bottom lip. “But you know what I’m gonna say.”
“You’re exhausted,” she says, stroking my cheek. “I know.”
“Hey, only one more week and then it’s all over. I’m going to be devastated, actually. A few weeks ago I couldn’t wait to be done, but now… it’s been the experience of a lifetime.”
She leans in and kisses me softly, lingering, plumping her lips to mine. “I love you.”
“I love you.”
She wrestles from my arms and does up the buttons on her frilly summer dress. I like her most of all in clothes like this, more her style, more her. She’s casual and carefree, completely without make-up, her hair even a little wavy because she hasn’t straightened it. I fall more in love with her all the time. Sliding my hand up the back of her leg as I remain lying down, she grins and looks down at me.
“Do you want something to eat and drink?”
“Could murder a beer and a cheese toastie.”
“Coming right up.”
I dispense of the condom in the bog and empty my bladder after that long journey. Fuck, I need to sleep for a week. I don’t have the luxury of spending the whole day in bed tomorrow, not when we have to mingle.
I sit up and notice she’s been making a scrapbo
ok on the table. Pinned on black cardboard are little newspaper and magazine clippings – reviews of the play.
I don’t read reviews and never will, but I’m so touched by this, it almost breaks my heart. She’s cut out so many as I rifle through… and all the reviews are pretty much glowing and positive, if a little condescending towards Gustav’s unique take on Hamlet.
She’s also pinned little photos of me on stage in various costume, from Hamlet’s lost-in-the-wood stage to his courtly dress where the woodland has merged with his soul and is in everything he wears, too.
She returns carrying a beer and I wrap my arm around her waist, catching her and pulling her down into my lap. After taking a sip, I look up and tell her straight, “This is wonderful. You didn’t say anything.”
“I wasn’t sure… I was even thinking of hiding it from you. I know you said you don’t read reviews.”
“I never will, but this is so thoughtful.”
She holds my face in her hands and says, “For our kids one day, they can see where Daddy started, before he was a ginormous star.”
I pinch my bottom lip between my teeth as she gets up and walks back into the kitchen.
“Toastie coming right up.”
I get up when I see she’s got some flowers on her sideboard. They’re pretty, not ridiculously extravagant, but pretty. I hope she treated herself or maybe she wanted to make the place look nice for me.
“Sorry I didn’t have time to get you train station flowers. All the shops were shut when I left London, and it was no different when I arrived into Leeds.”
It’s midnight almost and an ungodly hour, but I wanted to be with her tonight.
“Oh, oh…”
She comes flying out of the kitchen and rushes towards the flowers.
She stands in front of them and I’m wondering what the heck is happening.
“Lily, what are you doing?” I chuckle.
She’s got an expression on her face I can’t read. “Nothing, nothing. Why don’t you sit down? You might catch Match of the Day if you’re lucky, or put it on iPlayer.”
“Okay…”
I retake the sofa and feel queasy.
What was she trying to prevent me from seeing?
I hear her rattling about in the kitchen, still working on making me a feast, and when I look over my shoulder, it doesn’t feel like she’s returning to the living room imminently.
I dash across the room to the flowers and in the back of the bouquet, there’s a card.
It reads:
I wish you all the happiness in the world, you deserve it Lily.
Paul x x
I take a step back, like I’m looking at a car crash and don’t know if what I’m seeing should be witnessed. My blood runs cold and I feel… numb.
She walks back into the room as I’m holding a corner of the card between finger and thumb, wondering what the fuck this is about. What is happening?
“I’ve put you some salad and crisps and olives on the side—”
She quickly reads the situation and stops short of saying anything else. She’s suddenly by my side and saying things I don’t really hear.
“They mean nothing… I thought… I believe he’s trying to make peace… I thought… and it was a waste to toss them… they mean nothing…”
I see red with each word she speaks, trying to defend that man… trying to condone his actions.
The plate in her hands is tossed, but it doesn’t feel like it’s me doing it, even though it is.
He sends flowers when… he finds out she’s happy?
Doesn’t she see?
Doesn’t she see?
I step back from her and notice she’s got her hands to her mouth, there are tears in her eyes and as I look across the room, I notice the plate hit the wall, smashed, and there is food everywhere.
Self-disgust, hatred of everything, horror… it all hits me at once.
I leave the flat and my feet barely touch the stairs as I go, her voice shouting after me as I leave, racing away on foot, going anywhere… anywhere not there.
Not that reminder.
Not him.
Anyone but him.
After running for at least a mile, I eventually find a park to sit in. The gate’s not tall and there are swings. I sit down on one and stare into space, tossing myself back and forth with my feet on the ground.
The venom inside me… the hatred I have for that man… it’s truly consuming.
I can’t control myself.
It’s irrational and it’s extreme, but how I reacted back there is how I feel. He makes me want to smash up an entire building, just to excrete these feelings of pure, white anger that take hold, anytime I’m reminded of anything to do with him.
I get a text from Lily saying: Please, come home.
That’s all I get.
I spend an hour stewing, then I do as she says and walk slowly back.
I have a key to her place now and let myself in. She’s waiting on the sofa in her fluffy robe and slippers, suddenly looking up as I return. She gets up as though to come to me, but I hold my hands up, “Don’t touch me, Lily. I’m too angry. I think you need to know why.”
She holds her arms around her legs and sniffs back her tears.
I pace the room, trying not to look at anything, even her.
“How I reacted cannot be excused. What I just did was unforgivable. I despise myself for becoming violent in your presence. It’s not who I am, but let me try to explain why I felt so angry.”
“Theo, please, just come and hold me,” she begs.
“No. You need to listen. You need to hear about me before you decide whether you want to stay with me or not.”
I’m buried under the weight of my physical exhaustion, but also trapped beneath this horrible secret I’ve kept for so long… this pain inside me that feels never-ending.
“The reason I decided to become an actor was to get a girl’s attention. I saw the way you looked at Paul when he played Romeo at school and some idiotic part of me thought that maybe if I became an actor, you’d notice me, too.” She says nothing, but when I glance over, she’s blinking fast and in shock. “I’m nothing like that gangly teenager anymore, I know that. Everyone has changed since then. We’ve all changed. We’ve all moved on from our school days to some extent. But there’s one way in which I have never moved on.”
I take a seat away from her and hold my head in my hands. “I never had a crush on Susan, it was all a lie. I was all bullshit to get close to you. She even figured it out and that’s why she helpfully told you it was done with. I never asked her to say that but she did, possibly to bring me and you together. When I was here crying about my love going wasted, it was because it was true, but it wasn’t my love for Susan. It was my love for you.”
I look up and see her blubbing. “I didn’t mean to… I meant to chuck the card. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“No, you don’t get it, Lily. You’re not listening!”
“Then tell me!” she yells.
I stand and pace again. “I’m infatuated. I’m obsessed. I have been for years. I tried to be with other women and it never worked. I tried to act like Paul to get your attention and that didn’t work either. I tried to act like other people, hoping one of them would take your fancy. I’ve tried everything… and it will still always be him, won’t it? Won’t it?”
She wipes her eyes on her sleeve and says, “Why are you angry? About the flowers? About how much you love me? I don’t understand.”
“You shouldn’t want me, Lily. I’m ill. I’ve wanted you for years and years and done nothing about it. I should’ve saved you from him but I was too scared you’d think I was joking. I was too scared you’d reject me.”
There’s silence for a few long, dreary minutes, then she whispers, “I was scared you would reject me.” She gulps, continuing, “I’d realised back in the spring I was in love with you. I mean, I didn’t really understand it then, but I realised I missed you. That I n
eeded you in my life. It ruined me when you cut off contact. I couldn’t stand the thought of not speaking to you every day. But those few weeks ago, when we were at Brown’s, it was because of what Susan said about you getting over her that spurred me on. I… I was scared. It was hard for me, too. I never thought a man like you would want me. I’ve got baggage. People look at me and think I must have it all sorted, but I don’t. I grew up being bullied by my older, jealous sister. My mother told me that a woman’s job is to stay home and have kids or she has no purpose. My father loved me more and they hated me for that. My first boyfriend Craig treated me really badly and it was a cycle I kept repeating. Paul was part of that cycle, but you’re not. You’re different. If I’ve ever been scared of anything it’s the power you hold. You say you’re obsessed, but I don’t care. I want that. I need it. But you need to know that your power over me is so potent, I don’t think I could ever give it up now. The way you make me feel is so strong, it makes me want to do things… be things… see things. You’re the only man who has ever really loved me and made me feel like I could take on the world. You’ve made me happy for the first time in my life and I’ve never been happy. I’ve searched for it. God knows I did two degrees while searching for it… and I only found it once some girl said to me, ‘Well, Theo’s looking for something more, you know? He was really only crushing on me because he wants marriage, too’. Before Susan said that, I always thought marriage and a family were the furthest things from your thoughts because you were so standoffish and brusque, sometimes. You were unbreakable, untouchable… off limits. Over there somewhere,” she says, gesturing far away, “something so out of reach… so implausible. And now you’re not. You’re not that guy anymore. You’re my guy. My only guy. I just… I just need to believe Paul wants us to be happy… I have to believe that, Theo. Please. The worst thing about what he did was that it made me feel like he really didn’t care… and that hurt more than I can say, that feeling like he didn’t care was the worst thing about it all, but now… maybe he’s admitting he knew all along, that me and you, we’re the ones who are right for each other. Maybe he always knew. That’s all I want to believe. That’s all I’m clinging to… that he’s not so bad after all… just lost. And I wasn’t the right person for him, and he wasn’t the right person for me… but we are. You and me, we’re right.”
Bad Actor Page 15
