by Sarah Morgan
Still he didn’t respond and still his gaze didn’t shift from her face. It was as if he was looking for something.
‘The casserole should be ready by now and I did baked potatoes.’ Her voice tailed off under the intensity of his blue gaze. ‘So, I’ll say goodnight, then, just in case I don’t see you later.’
She slunk towards the door, heard Alfie crying and fought a desperate urge to go to him. How could she go to him when she’d just claimed that she wanted a child-free evening? But the fact that she couldn’t comfort the little boy—the fact that she was the cause of his tears—made everything even worse.
She was doing it for them, Hayley reminded herself miserably when she eventually slid into the bath and let the tears fall freely.
She was doing it for them.
In the long run, it would be better.
Chapter Nine
‘SHE’S leaving? Why would she leave? What did you do to her?’ Maggie stood in front of Patrick’s desk like a sergeant major in a court-martial.
‘Maggie.’ He dragged his gaze from the computer screen. ‘I don’t have time for this now.’
‘Then make time, Patrick Buchannan, because if you let that girl leave this unit, I swear I’ll resign too!’
Patrick sighed. ‘I know she’s a good midwife, but I can’t force her to take a job here.’
‘But she’s leaving because of you! And I want to know why!’
‘I don’t know why!’ Exploding with tension and frustration, Patrick rose to his feet and paced to the far end of his office. ‘Damn it, Maggie, I don’t know why!’
Maggie looked startled. ‘You don’t? I assumed—’
‘You assumed what? That we’d had a row?’ Patrick gave a bitter laugh and turned to stare out of the window. The day was bleak and cold and totally in keeping with his current mood. ‘I wish we had had a row. At least then I would have known what it was about. But this is—’
‘Something happened yesterday in the clinic.’ Maggie sat down in Patrick’s chair, a frown on her face. ‘She came bouncing in, told me that she was in love with you and then she—’
‘Wait a minute.’ Patrick turned, his gaze sharp. ‘She told you she was in love with me?’
‘Yes. Well, virtually. Yes, definitely. Patrick, she’s crazy about you. Surely you don’t need me to tell you that.’
Patrick considered the evidence. ‘Up until last night I would have agreed with you, but…’ he shook his head ‘…she virtually said she’d had enough of living her life around the children. That it was a massive sacrifice.’
‘Hayley adores children,’ Maggie scoffed, ‘and she especially adores yours. She talks about nothing else. All day we have to listen to tales of what Posy has drawn and the funny things Alfie has said. She’s worse than you are.’
‘Thanks,’ Patrick said dryly, and Maggie grinned.
‘No offence meant. But what I’m saying is that Hayley is as crazy about your children as she is about you.’
‘Maybe, but that doesn’t mean that living with them constantly isn’t a strain. They’re full on, Maggie. They’re all over her. In her bed, wrapped around her in the evenings—she can’t even go to the bathroom without Posy banging on the door.’ Patrick sighed. ‘Last night Alfie was crying and she didn’t go to him.’
Maggie looked startled. ‘She let him cry?’
‘Well…’ Patrick ran his hand over the back of his neck ‘…she left the room. Said she needed a bath or something. Wanted to read her book.’
‘In other words, she couldn’t bear to hear him crying and not comfort him.’ Maggie folded her arms. ‘If you ask me, Hayley thinks she has to leave and she’s doing everything she can to make it seem as though she wants to.’
‘What?’ Patrick was totally confused. ‘Is that female logic? Because if so, could it please come with a translation? I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘For an incredibly intelligent man, you can be very dim.’ Maggie stood up and walked across the room until she was standing in front of him. ‘Hayley is in love with you. That is a fact. I know you haven’t known each other very long, I know it’s all been a bit whirlwind, but she is definitely in love with you. She is also in love with your children. If she’s talking about leaving then it’s because something has happened.’ She frowned. ‘Or maybe because something hasn’t happened. Did you propose to her?’
‘Of course I didn’t propose to her!’ Patrick looked at his colleague in incredulous disbelief. ‘Maggie, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.’
‘Well, you obviously weren’t getting anywhere by yourself. Could that be the problem? Have you told her that you love her?’
‘I—No, I haven’t because I don’t even know that I…’ Patrick rubbed his fingers across his forehead. ‘Maggie, I’ve been married before—’
‘To a woman you didn’t love. And that was entirely different.’
‘I’ve only known Hayley for a few weeks.’
‘And in that time you have more feeling for her than you ever did for your wife.’
Stunned, Patrick let his hand drop. ‘How do you know that?’
‘Because Christmas is a bad time of year for you, my friend,’ Maggie said softly. ‘And suddenly, this year, it’s all different. You’re smiling. You’re relaxed. Your children are smiling and relaxed. Ask yourself why, Patrick. And then do something about it. Quickly. Before it’s too late.’
‘I’ll go and prepare the pool for you, Ruth,’ Hayley said. ‘You might like to take a walk up the corridor and back again. It’s good to keep moving at this stage of your labour. I’ll only be in the room across the way, but if you need anything, just press the buzzer.’
Feeling exhausted and slightly sick, she took refuge in the empty room opposite.
As she prepared the pool, she pondered on the fact that this was her last shift.
She really ought to ring her mother and warn her that she was coming home tomorrow, but she couldn’t face the conversation.
Neither could she face the thought of moving out of Patrick’s house.
Of leaving the children.
Tears filled her eyes and she tested the temperature of the water, barely able to see the thermometer. Oh, this was ridiculous! If this was what being pregnant was like, she’d better buy shares in a tissue company.
‘Hayley?’ Patrick’s voice came from the doorway and she realised with a start of horror that she’d been so preoccupied in her own misery that she hadn’t even heard the door open.
How long had he been standing there?
Did he know she was crying?
‘Just doing the pool, Patrick,’ she said brightly. ‘Did you want me?’
Oh, for goodness’ sake, she’d done it again! Used the wrong words at absolutely the wrong time.
‘Yes, I want you.’ His tone was firm. Steady. ‘I thought we’d already established that. I also thought we’d established that you want me, too.’
Hayley blinked back tears and concentrated on the surface of the pool. ‘Patrick, this really isn’t a good time. We should—’
‘I have something to say to you and I want you to listen.’
Hayley froze. He was probably going to tell her that she’d upset Alfie. ‘Honestly, I really don’t—Can we talk later?’
‘No.’ He was right behind her and he drew her to her feet, turning her so that she faced him. ‘There are things I want to say to you, and they can’t wait. I love you, Hayley.’ His voice soft, Patrick took her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. ‘I love you, sweetheart.’
No, not that.
He couldn’t be saying that to her. Not here. Not now.
Before she’d discovered she was pregnant, I love you were the words she’d been desperate to hear, but now they were the words she was desperate not to hear because hearing them just made everything so much worse.
‘Patrick—’
‘I haven’t finished. There’s something else I want to say to you
.’ He let his hands drop and when he lifted them again he was holding a velvet box. ‘I want you to marry me. I want you to be my wife.’
Her hands still wet from the pool water, Hayley stared at the box in stunned silence and then at his face.
She stared into those blue eyes and then back down at the box. ‘You—I…’
With a soft laugh he opened the box and removed a ring. A beautiful diamond solitaire. ‘Marry me, Hayley.’ He took the ring out of the box, slid it onto her finger—and she didn’t even stop him.
For a moment—just for a moment—she wanted to know what that ring would look like on her finger. She wanted to dream.
And then she remembered that dreams only happened while you were asleep. That was why they were called dreams.
And she was wide awake.
‘I can’t marry you, Patrick,’ she said in a choked voice. ‘I can’t do that.’ She sensed his shock.
‘I know it’s a bit sudden,’ he said carefully. ‘I know we haven’t known each other that long—but it’s right, Hayley. You know it is. Say yes.’
‘I can’t, Patrick.’ She stared down at the ring he’d placed on her finger. It sparkled under the lights, the diamond winking at her, as if taunting her with what she couldn’t have. ‘I can’t marry you, Patrick.’
‘Is this because of what I said to you the day you arrived? I know I was tactless and insensitive.’ He gave a rueful smile. ‘I know I upset you by assuming you must be pregnant—’
‘Patrick, I am pregnant.’ Her voice rose. ‘I am pregnant, OK? I’m pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. I’m having your baby. So now do you understand that it’s all hopeless? All of it. And it can’t ever work.’ Tears falling down her cheeks, she tugged at the ring—the ring that had been on her finger for less than two minutes—and pushed it blindly into his hand.
She waited for him to say something but he was silent and his silence was like a vicious blow.
What had she expected?
She’d known what his reaction would be.
‘Please.’ She gave up waiting for him to speak. ‘Please—do me a favour and don’t come back on the labour ward while I’m here. I just can’t—I need to pull myself together—I won’t be unprofessional.’ She wiped her eyes on the back of her hand and made for the door. ‘As soon as this shift is over, I’ll go home and pack. I’m sorry, Patrick. I’m sorry for all of it.’
Ruth didn’t deliver until the early hours of the morning and Hayley stayed with her, offering support, enjoying her moment of happiness, which was even more poignant given how thrilled Ruth’s husband was.
Afterwards she drank a cup of tea on her own in the staffroom, wondering what would happen when her time came.
Would she be alone? Or would some kind midwife be willing to sit with her through the night while she laboured?
It was still dark outside when she finally arrived back at Patrick’s barn and Hayley crept up to her bedroom, packed her one small suitcase and lay fully clothed on top of the bed until it seemed like a reasonable time to call a taxi.
Maybe she was being cowardly, leaving while everyone was still in bed, but she couldn’t face an emotional departure.
She’d written letters to the children and left them on the table in the kitchen. She’d tried to write a letter to Patrick but after about fifty attempts she’d given up.
At some point they’d have to talk, of course. They needed to sort out what they were going to do. He’d want access to his child and she wanted that, too. She didn’t want their child growing up not knowing his or her father.
And she’d do the right thing. Make it as easy as she could for everyone—try and get a job close by. Not too local—that would be asking too much—but close enough.
The crunch of tyres in the drive told her that the taxi had arrived and she took a last look around the barn before stepping out into the snow and closing the door behind her.
Jack, the taxi driver, waved from the car and she waved back, hoping he wasn’t going to ask her too many questions. Hayley felt as though she’d lived a whole life since he’d first dropped her here two weeks earlier.
She was four steps down the path when her legs went in different directions.
‘Oh, for—’ Bracing herself for impact, she screwed up her face but this time powerful arms caught her, lifting her upright before she hit the ground.
‘I don’t know how you think you’re going to manage without me,’ Patrick drawled. ‘You can’t even walk if I’m not there to catch you.’
Her heart pounding, Hayley clutched at him as he steadied her. ‘I didn’t know you were awake.’
‘I haven’t been to sleep. Have you?’
‘Well, no.’ She doubted she’d ever sleep again. The misery inside her felt so great she had no idea how she was going to cope. ‘Patrick, I have to go. Jack is waiting.’
‘He’s all right for a minute—you’re not running away from me, Hayley. Not before we’ve talked.’ Patrick was still holding her, his hands firm on her arms. ‘And we have lots to talk about.’
‘I know. I know we’re going to have to talk at some point, but I can’t do it now. I need some time—’
‘Time for what?’
‘Time to think! Time to—I don’t know. Time to get over you.’
Patrick inhaled sharply. ‘Why would you want to get over me?’
‘Because we can’t be together.’ Her voice was clogged. ‘And having your baby is difficult, but it’s my problem and I’ll sort it out.’
‘Problem?’ He frowned, his eyes searching hers. ‘You haven’t told me how you feel about being pregnant. Is it a problem, sweetheart? Is that how you feel?’
Her heart turned over. ‘No, of course not. It’s just…’ Just because of us, was what she wanted to say. But what was the point?
‘Hayley, I don’t want you to “get over” me.’ His lean handsome face was unusually pale, his voice ragged. ‘I want you to marry me. I told you that yesterday.’
‘I can’t marry you, you know that.’
‘I don’t know that.’ His eyes shimmered with raw intensity. ‘I love you and at first I couldn’t work out why you would possibly say no when I know you love me, too. I spent the night thinking about it. I spent the night thinking, Why would she turn me down?’
‘Patrick, you know why.’
‘When did you discover you were pregnant, Hayley?’
‘Yesterday morning in clinic.’
His eyebrows rose. ‘And you didn’t say anything to anyone? The one time you need some support—the time you needed to talk—you kept it a secret?’
‘It was too big to share.’
Patrick muttered something under his breath. ‘Nothing is ever too big for us to share.’
‘This was. I didn’t know how to tell you,’ Hayley said huskily, ‘What was the point in telling you?’
‘I can’t believe you just said that.’ Patrick’s grip didn’t ease. ‘It took me most of the night to work out why you would turn me down, Hayley. And then I realised that it’s my fault. The reason you won’t marry me is because of what happened with Carly, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. Partly.’ She didn’t deny it. ‘A baby isn’t a reason to get married, Patrick. You told me that.’
‘And I stand by that. It’s true. A baby isn’t a reason to get married. But the baby isn’t the reason I asked you to marry me.’
‘Of course it is. You said that—’
‘I proposed to you before I knew you were pregnant, Hayley.’
She opened her mouth and closed it again. Then opened it. But nothing came out.
Patrick gave a faint smile. ‘You’re doing it again. Staying silent when I need to know what you’re thinking. I never thought I’d have to say this to you, but could you please start talking?’
‘Patrick…’ Words failed her and he sighed.
‘That night in Chicago was incredible. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I even contemplated ge
tting in touch with you but I had no idea what I’d say. I’d decided that it wasn’t fair to drag the children to the States, and I couldn’t ask you to come here. And when I opened my door on Christmas Eve and you were standing there…’
‘You thought I was pregnant,’ Hayley whispered. ‘And you were shocked.’
‘Yes,’ he said honestly. ‘I’d made that mistake before and I wasn’t going to make it again. But then I got to know you.’
‘It’s only been a couple of weeks—’
‘Yes. And those weeks have been incredible. You transformed our lives with your sunny personality, your goodness and your non-stop chatter. You made us happy. And I thought you were happy, too.’
Her eyes stinging, Hayley smiled. ‘I was happy. Very happy.’
‘Then why are you leaving?’
‘Because I’m pregnant and that changes everything.’
‘I asked you to marry me because I love you. Not because you’re having my baby. And I’m asking you again now, for the same reason.’ His hands shifted from her arms to her face and he gazed down at her. ‘I love you. I want to be with you. Will you marry me?’
‘Say yes, love,’ Jack yelled from the taxi, and Hayley gave a gasp of horror and buried her face in Patrick’s coat.
‘He can hear us?’
‘Every word,’ Patrick said calmly, ‘and I really couldn’t care less. It’s your answer I want, not his.’
‘Patrick—’
‘Answer me one question.’ He lifted her chin with his fingers and for once his voice wasn’t completely steady. ‘Do you love me?’
She gazed into his blue eyes, suddenly shy. ‘Yes, of course I do. You know that.’
‘How much?’
‘As much as it’s possible to love someone. I’m crazy about you. Do you really have to ask? I gave up everything to come here, Patrick. I gave up my job, my flat—I made a complete fool of myself over you. I followed my dream.’
