Looking deep into my eyes, she goes on. “I’m in love with Penn, Andrew. And I think you would approve. Because I know you loved him too.” Her words make me lightheaded, and my smile feels broad enough to carry me off on a slight breeze.
Although I knew her feelings for me have been changing, it’s still startling to hear her say the words out loud, especially in front of her fiancé’s grave. But I know she’s done it on purpose, as if to get his approval. Or maybe to unburden herself. Either way, she has declared her love for me, and it takes my breath away.
She looks up at me with glittering green eyes that are filled with tears—I’m not sure if they’re tears of happiness or sadness, but something tells me they’re both. I cradle her face in one hand, and her hand in the other.
“I’m not sure you will ever understand just how special you are, but if you’ll let me, I would like to spend your whole life telling you,” I say, and she leans in and kisses me, throwing her arms around my neck.
At first, I just stand there, drinking her in as our lips connect. But the joy I feel begs to be expressed. I lift her up, and we spin as the snow swirls around us.
When we both get a little dizzy, we separate and I put her down.
“Good. I’m glad you’re on the same page,” Kismet says.
“Honey, I’ve been on this page since I first saw you.”
She smiles and turns to face Andrew’s headstone. “Goodnight, my love. I hope you are happy. I’ve decided to be.” She squeezes my hand as she turns, and we walk together out of the cemetery.
That night, I don’t sleep on the floor. Kismet doesn’t let go of my hand once as she leads me straight through the apartment to the bedroom. She only releases it when we reach the end of the bed, and only then, so she can shed her coat and start unbuttoning her blouse.
I swallow hard. Are we really going to do this? I reach up and grab her hand. “We don’t have to do this tonight.”
But rather than be deterred by my comment, she smiles and presses on. “I know,” she says, as if I should know that too.
She moves slowly, purposefully, and I let her take the lead. I’m in over my head, and I’m not sure if she’s the water washing over me, or the life preserver that will save me. Either way, I cling to her as she slowly undresses me, fully revealing my body to her for the first time. I’ve never been with a woman before—it isn’t something we felt the need to do in the heavens.
Apparently, my nerves are unwarranted, for she gasps at the sight of my chiseled body. “Good God, you’re gorgeous.”
I don’t respond. I’m too busy drinking in the sight of her. Although I know her better than anyone on Earth, I’ve never known her like this. When I see her naked in front of me, it stirs feelings I wasn’t sure I was capable of experiencing. I don’t just love her. I want her.
As she trails kisses along my body, she carries me to new heights of ecstasy. Then she pulls me down to the bed, and the passion and love and connection that has been building between us ignites.
Late that night, she sleeps with her head snuggled up to my chest. I stroke her long, brown hair, breathe in the scent of her lavender shampoo, and wonder how banishment could be so bittersweet.
13.
Our life together isn’t easy, that’s for sure. We aren’t soul mates, so we don’t understand each other’s needs on that deeper level. We fight more than I ever saw Kismet and Andrew fight. But I love her more than anything on Earth or in the heavens. And I think Kismet loves me as well as she can love a man who isn’t her soul mate. So, we do our best. Some days, we knock it out of the park, most days in fact, but we also stumble. Some days, we don’t find the right words. Sometimes, we have to start fresh the next morning. But that’s fine with me, because no matter what, we always start over.
The months go by in a flash. I mark my first anniversary on Earth by having dinner with Aida, Cody, and their kids while Kismet is busy rehearsing for a new play on Broadway. I’m grateful there’s no talk of the day we met, or the reason for the occasion. They’ve long since learned there are some questions I can’t, and won’t, answer. But we share one another’s company in a way that reminds me of how these people have come to my rescue in every possible way.
A few months later, we mark the one-year anniversary of Andrew’s death. It’s a hard day for everyone, and I’m reminded that even though a year has slipped away, I still have no idea what happened to my friend.
Fia reminds me regularly to be patient.
“You have to admit, this isn’t right, Fia. In all my years as a Fate, nothing like this ever happened. Threads aren’t supposed to snap on their own. This goes against everything we know to be true,” I say into the phone as I pace around the living room. Kismet is in the shower, so this is my chance to be blunt.
“You’re right. It does. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’ve been here on Earth for a long time, and I’ve met a lot of different people. Last century, my best friend fancied herself to be a witch of sorts. She said she could travel between the world of the living and the dead. Now, I didn’t believe her for a minute, but she did know some things. She knew someone helped souls cross over. She referred to a ‘tapestry of life,’ but not in quite the correct context.”
“But, if you knew her last century, isn’t she long dead?”
“Yes. She was the last in her family of witches, as they called themselves. She didn’t have a daughter. But her knowledge may not be dead. Or perhaps you could find another clan somewhere. If the ability to go back and forth really does exist, that could be your ticket to answers. ”
I sigh. It is a bit of a long shot. “I’m worried, Fia.”
“Worry is a human emotion, Penn. We have more faith than to stoop to it.”
“We’re also used to having more control,” I say, my frustration mounting. “Fia, it’s been a year.”
“That should help you feel better that Kismet is safe.”
“Kismet is no safer today than she was a year ago.”
“What do you mean by that?” Kismet’s voice halts my pacing mid-step. I slowly turn to face her. She’s wrapped in a towel, using another to dry her hair.
“Shit,” I mumble under my breath.
“You are far too human, dear Fate,” Fia scolds. Heavenly beings don’t swear ever, which probably makes my curse all the more shocking to her.
“Fia, I’ll call you later.” I hang up before she can respond, but I know she’s shaking her head.
“What’s going on? Why do you think I’m in danger?” Kismet asks, and I can tell she’s not sure if she should be worried.
“I…” I trail off, frantically trying to come up with a response.
“Penn. What’s going on?”
I turn to her and take both of her hands in mine. “You know what? It’s nothing that you need to worry about.”
“What does that mean? That I’m too stupid to understand?” I know that tone—she’s confused, so she’s reaching for her insecurities to make sense of what I’ve said.
“No. That’s not what I meant at all.” But how can I convince her of that without telling her the truth, and not just some of the truth, but all of it?
“So…” She lets the word hang for a moment or two. “What did you mean?”
“I just don’t want to stress you out with something silly, that’s all.”
“Me being in danger doesn’t sound like something silly. In fact, it sounds like the perfect thing to worry about. Either I should be worried about me and my safety or I should be worried about you and whether or not you’ve lost your mind.”
I sigh, getting exasperated. “No. That’s—”
She cuts me off. “You can’t talk to me about it, but you can tell Fia? She’s somehow worthier of this secret than I am?”
“No. Fia is family.” As soon as it’s out of my mouth, I know it’s the wrong thing to say.
“And I’m not?” She folds her hands over her chest, the anger building in her eyes.
; Honestly, I don’t feel like I can make this any worse. But then I consider the consequences of telling her the truth. Fia and I have discussed the possible fallout of telling the humans who we are. Fia thinks they wouldn’t be able to handle it. She argues it’s better, and easier, to keep it secret. But the Rabbi is living proof that she’s not altogether right. Besides, Fia is also single, and she has been for centuries. She says that’s easier too, and she likes to mock me for my “tender heart.”
But then I think of the consequences. Will there be retribution from the heavens? Or maybe the greater risk is that Kismet will just think I’m nuts. She might leave.
As she watches me war with myself, I try to come up with an answer that will satisfy her. But none of those things lead up to the truth. And from my own search for answers, I know how hard it is to settle for anything less.
“Can I ask you something?” Kismet says, her voice softening a little. “That night in the cemetery, you said you would love me for as long as I live. I’ve got to tell you, that creeped me out a little. You planning on killing me?”
I laugh out loud. “No. Absolutely not.”
“Does that have something to do with why you never talk about your past? Your family? I hoped you’d open up more after you found Fia, but it hasn’t happened. She’s as guarded as you are. And you share your secrets with her; I know you do. I feel more excluded than ever. Whatever you’re a part of, though, she’s a part of it too.” Each sentence comes out faster than the last. She’s piecing it together right in front of my eyes. Paralyzed with fear or maybe excitement, I sit there and listen as she tries to tell me my secret.
“Are you in some kind of cult with her?”
Again, I laugh. It’s sort of close, yet so far from the truth. “No, I can definitively tell you that I am not in a cult with Fia.” Secretly, I wish she were on speakerphone. She would be dying laughing.
“What then? What have you been keeping from me all this time? Don’t you want to unburden yourself?”
I squeeze her hands. “Yes. I want to unburden myself. I’m sure Andrew told you about asking me about my past that night on your back deck. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to share my story after Cody and Aida rescued me without any expectations or questions. I felt like I owed it to them, and I especially feel like I owe it to you. But I don’t know what the rules are. And I’ve already made mistakes that cost a life. I won’t gamble with yours when I don’t fully understand what the consequences of that gamble might be.”
“You did what? Did you kill someone?” Her face goes pale.
I sigh. This is sounding bad, even to my ears. “Not on purpose, no.”
“Did you do time? Is that why you won’t talk about your past?”
“No, I’m doing my time now.”
She crinkles her eyebrows, creating a deep wrinkle between them as she tries to decipher what I’ve said. “You don’t wear an ankle cuff or anything like that. What do you mean—you’re doing your time now?”
I sigh, deciding to try one last diversion. “Kismet, I love you. I sacrificed my entire way of life to be with you in any capacity. I knew you were meant to be with Andrew, so I never imagined we would be together the way we are now. When I went to the diner that day, I just wanted to see you. To say goodbye, I guess. Get some closure. But after I met you in the flesh, I couldn’t bear to step away from your life. Andrew wasn’t supposed to die. Fia is helping me search for answers. That’s all.”
There, I think. I hope it’s just enough of the truth for her to let it go. But it only creates more questions.
“Answers? What kind of answers? Any time someone dies young, there are no answers.”
I nod. “Yes, you’re right. I need to let it go. I’m just having trouble doing that.” I hope the tiny lie will push her away from the subject. But she circles back around, latching onto one of the details I mentioned.
“We met for the first time at the diner. How could you possibly have been in love with me before that?”
I know I can create some story about falling in love with her after watching Madame Curie, but I don’t want to lie. Not tonight.
“Can we please let this go?” I say. “I’ve already told you more than I’m comfortable sharing. I have no idea what the consequences would be if I were to tell you everything. You’d probably leave me for being a total whack job.”
She releases my hand and folds her arms over her chest, giving me a look that says, ‘try me.’
I feel trapped. Intuition tells me this secret will destroy our relationship from the inside. I haven’t done a good enough job of hiding it. The closer we get, the more of myself I reveal to her. Tonight, I actually talked to Fia about going on a witch-hunt while Kismet was still in the apartment.
I sigh. I started this ball rolling months ago. The consequences will be what they are. It’s time to come clean.
“If you decide to leave me tonight, know that I love you with my entire being. That is what this has always been about for me.”
She holds her challenging stance, and I can tell she thinks I’m bullshitting her. With nothing left to do but plow forward, I say, “I am a Spinner. You know that. But you don’t know all of it. I was the Spinner of the Fates. When I lived in the heavens, I spun the thread of life. My two sisters, whom you’ve only heard me speak of once or twice, are the other two Fates. Horatia, the one who cuts the thread, and Galenia, the one who decides how each person will die. That’s who they are. I was banished from the heavens shortly after creating you and Andrew. You were special, a sparkling thread among billions of dull ones, and you created a beautiful shining spot in the tapestry of life. Andrew was your complement in every way. Your life together should have been perfect. I watched Horatia cut your threads, and they were both extraordinarily long. Andrew’s death was an anomaly. He should’ve lived just as long as you. Because I don’t understand what happened; I’m worried you might be in danger.” Once it’s out, I expect to feel a huge sense of relief, but I don’t. I am consumed with dread when I think about the words that are currently trapped behind her tongue.
“I… um…” She struggles, clearly not sure where to start. Sinking down to the floor, she sits at my feet. Her own are tucked under her. Reaching for her hands, I sit down facing her. I take it as a good sign when she doesn’t pull away.
“Assuming all of this is true, why were you banished? Does it have something to do with the person you killed?”
I will never cease to be amazed by her intelligence… by the way she pieces things together on her own. “Yes. I couldn’t get over you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I connected with you in a way I’d never connected with anyone before. I watched you grow, knowing what an amazing life you had in store for you. It only made my love for you grow stronger. The truth is, I couldn’t move on. After I created Andrew for you, I felt like I’d peaked, like I had nothing left to give. I made others, but I wasn’t as productive, and the work meant nothing to me. After a while, I grew impatient and tried to force a creation. It was wrong, and I knew it, but I didn’t want to accept the truth. That life ended up being a stillborn—an unordered stillborn. A wasted life. For that mistake, I was banished here to Earth.”
Silence reigns in the apartment for several heartbeats. “But things haven’t been so bad. I basically landed in Cody and Aida’s laps, and they took me in without too many questions. They got me here. Personally, I think it was God’s consolation prize. He said I was the best Fate they’d ever had. And He didn’t relish the idea of banishing me.”
I look into Kismet’s eyes, desperate to know what she thinks.
“You had dinner with them a while ago,” she said. “You said it was a celebration, but not of what. I assumed it was a birthday party for one of the kids or something. But you’ve been at the shop for just over a year, haven’t you?”
“Your memory is astounding,” I say, trying to give her a break from puzzling it out. It’s not important. What matters is where I am now.
; “You were marking the day you fell. The day they found you,” she says quietly as she looks past me, putting the last piece of my puzzle into place.
I don’t respond to that. I simply hold her hands, waiting for her to decide how she’ll handle the truth.
The silence that stretches between us weighs heavily on me, so it’s a relief when she finally speaks.
“So you came from heaven?”
“I did.”
“And you created me?”
“I did.”
“And you were so taken by me that you were ultimately banished to Earth?” She doesn’t look at me while she asks these questions. She’s absently working a loose thread on her shorts, staring at a spot on the wall.
I follow her gaze. “I was.”
“Can you prove any of this?” she asks.
“Maybe. If you need me to.”
I watch her breathe slowly in and out as she considers my information.
“And Fia, she’s like you, isn’t she? She’s from the heavens too?”
I hesitate before nodding. “I can’t tell you anything else about her. You know she’ll have our heads for talking about her behind her back.”
Kismet moves on without acknowledging my statement. “And Andrew…” Her voice catches in her throat.
“Yes. Nothing that I said to you in the days after his death was untrue. His death was unfair in every sense of the word. He was supposed to live a long and happy life with you. I don’t understand what happened, why his life was cut so short.”
“So what can you do now that you’re stuck on Earth? Anything?”
I sigh, not sure how much detail I want to give her. “Back home, one of my friends was a Reaper. Michaela was her name. I’ve been searching for her or one of her friends. Reapers are the only heavenly beings that can go back and forth between Earth and the heavens. Fia seems to think the search is futile, and we should just let her come to us.”
The Children of Wisdom Trilogy Page 12
