“Not everyone.”
She sighed heavily and tossed her salad around with the fork. She was growing frustrated with me and I didn’t blame her. If roles were reversed and I had to deal with me I’d get huffy too.
After a few minutes of tense silence she spoke. Her pale green eyes seared me as she stared at me, her lips turned down in a frown. “You know, we don’t have to be best friends but we do have to live together. We should at least try to make it as civil as possible and try to get along.”
“I thought I was trying,” I grumbled. I looked away from her eyes and began to pick at the silvery polish on my nails.
She blew out a breath, causing her bangs to flutter against her forehead. Finally she cracked a smile. “If that’s what you call trying then you’re doing a pretty lousy job.”
“So…I don’t get an A for effort?”
“Definitely not.” She rested her head in her hand. “No stickers for you.”
“Stickers?” I asked with a raised brow.
“Yeah,” she laughed, and it was light and musical sounding. “You know, like teachers give school kids stickers when they do something good.”
I screwed my face up in displeasure. “What kind of school did you go to? No,” I held up finger, “let me guess, some preppy private school.”
Her cheeks turned pink—her favorite color, how appropriate.
“How’d you know?” She asked.
I narrowed my eyes at her fancy clothes. “You have rich kid written all over you.”
I left out the part that I was one of those rich kids. I just didn’t dress or act like it anymore.
“Is it really that obvious?” She paled, her hands fluttering over her body.
It was almost funny. Almost.
“No,” I said to put her out of her misery. It really wasn’t as obvious as I made it sound, but since I came from an upper-class family I could always pick out people who ran in the same circles.
“Oh good.” She visibly relaxed and we finished our meal in silence.
It had been twilight when we left our dorm but on the way back it was completely dark. Luckily, there were lights every few feet so you didn’t have to worry about monsters lurking in the shadows. I don’t know why I was worried. After all, all the monsters lived inside me now.
“I’m going to bed,” Thea announced when we stepped into our room, “it’s been a long day.”
I nodded in agreement. She grabbed some pajamas and went to change in the bathroom. We were lucky that our bathroom was only shared between the two of us. I wouldn’t have been pleased if we’d had to share with another dorm. I didn’t like people in my space and it was bad enough that I’d been stuck with a double.
I’d begged my parents to pull some strings to get me a single, but they refused. They told me I needed to stop locking myself away in suffering and make new friends. “Live your life, Rachael,” my mom told me before I left, her hands on my shoulders, “just because they’re dead doesn’t mean you are.”
But she was wrong. I was dead.
two
Thea and I had both been exhausted after moving in and went to bed early. When I woke up on Saturday morning it was still dark outside.
I couldn’t remember the last time I ever slept in. My body ran on very little sleep. Sometimes I thought it was a miracle I hadn’t fallen over dead yet. I knew that living, and suffering for what I’d done, was my punishment. It’s why I was still here. Living while my friends were dead.
I tried so hard not to remember anything from before, but it was impossible.
That day was always going to haunt me. There was no flushing it from my memory. I had to learn to live with it—to survive.
I scrubbed my hands over my face and let out a soft groan so I didn’t disturb Thea. The last thing I wanted to do was deal with her at this time of the morning. I needed some time to myself before she woke up.
I slipped out of bed and into my running clothes as quietly as possible.
Rachael didn’t run, but Rae did.
I found that when I ran I couldn’t think about anything else. My thoughts ceased to exist. When I ran I was free from my sins.
I opened the door and eased it closed so that she couldn’t hear the lock click. Hopefully she’d still be sleeping when I got back. Classes didn’t start until Monday, so it wasn’t like she’d have to get up early.
I moved through the building like a ghost and out the double doors.
I stopped on the steps and inhaled the crisp morning air. It was chilly, but I didn’t mind. Unfortunately, I knew that meant there wouldn’t be many mornings left where I could run outside. I’d have to use the school’s gym—I wouldn’t like it, but I refused to give up running.
After a few stretches I took off.
Immediately I felt that rush I always got—like I was in control. I hadn’t been in control of my life in a long time.
My feet thumped against the concrete sidewalk as I jogged around campus. I kept my pace steady, but a little on the fast side. When I first started running I used to run so hard and fast that I’d throw up. But now my body was used to it and I could run for hours without getting tired.
I began to sweat, despite the cool air, and my hair stuck to my damp forehead.
My breath was heavy and the steady beat of my heart in my chest soothed me.
I was so absorbed in the humming of my body that I didn’t notice when someone fell into step beside me, but soon their presence became overwhelming.
I flicked my gaze over to the stranger and found that it was no stranger at all.
It was the tackler. Cade, he’d said his name was.
My steps faltered and I tripped.
Down I went, scraping my knee against the cement. I hissed between my lips at the sharp sting.
Jesus Christ. All I did around this guy was fall. Granted, the first time he knocked me to the ground so that didn’t really count.
“Are you okay?” He asked, dropping down beside me. His voice was a husky gasp as he inhaled sharply, his chest heaving with each breath. His t-shirt was damp with sweat. As was his hair. Clearly he’d been running for a while before he joined me.
I glared at him with heat in my eyes. “Why the fuck were you running beside me?”
“You looked lonely,” was his response.
I narrowed my eyes. “I wasn’t.”
I clumsily came to my feet and started to walk, trying to shake off the stiffness in my limbs from the fall.
“Are you mad?” He asked, catching up to me easily with his long-legged stride.
I stopped in my tracks and looked up at him. “Yeah, I’m mad. That’s twice you’ve made me fall. If this is how you pick up girls you need to try a new method. This one is seriously lacking.”
He threw his head back and laughed—the kind of laugh that shakes your whole body. I liked the sound of his laugh too. It was warm and happy sounding. I never laughed anymore and I wondered if I did, would it sound like Rachael’s? Or would it be different?
“You’re funny.”
“I was serious.” I tilted my head, putting a hand on my hip.
He grinned down at me and I saw that he had a dimple in each cheek. The heavy scruff on his cheeks helped to camouflage them, but they were still there. They gave him an almost boyish appearance.
A lock of brown hair swept down to hide his blue eyes. He grinned at me, completely unfazed.
“You’re different.”
I looked up at him and nodded. “You’re right.”
He narrowed his eyes with his hands on his hips. He looked at me like I was some intricate puzzle he was trying to piece together. When he didn’t say anything I started to walk away again. My legs felt okay so I started jogging.
Cade joined me once more and I wasn’t even surprised.
When we circled the fountain that sat in the middle of campus I was tempted to push him in, just so he’d leave me alone. But I didn’t.
Cade continued to run with me—
even though I knew from his appearance he had to have already run a lot.
Neither of us spoke, but when you’re running hard there isn’t much breath for small talk.
My dorm appeared in front of me and I ran harder. I didn’t say goodbye to Cade as I jogged up the steps and into the building. I felt his eyes on me though.
I swore I wasn’t going to look, but when the doors closed behind me I allowed myself to turn.
He stood on the sidewalk outside the dorm, staring at where I stood—although I doubted he could actually see me.
I wondered what Cade found so fascinating about me.
Most people were afraid of me, and I didn’t blame them. They should be afraid. I was a killer.
I stepped away from the door and headed up the steps to my room.
Thea was still sleeping, a light snore echoing through the room. I shook my head and grabbed my stuff so I could shower.
By the time I was done in the bathroom Thea was stretching her arms above her head and blinking sleep from her eyes.
“Did you get up early?” She yawned.
I nodded, heading to my side of the room to make my bed.
“I hate mornings.” She ran her fingers through her wild and tangled hair. “Would you mind waiting for me to shower, so we can get breakfast together?”
“I can wait,” I assured her.
“Great.” She slowly peeled her body out of bed and grumbled unintelligibly all the way to the bathroom.
While Thea was getting ready I spent the time unpacking the last of my things—which was mostly my clothes. I hadn’t brought much with me decoration wise. Looking at Thea’s side of the room I thought I might have to remedy that fact, because I wasn’t sure I could handle all the pink.
Thea took her sweet time doing her hair and makeup. I was about ready to throttle her by the time she said she was ready. I was starving and she was holding up progress.
I followed her out of the building and instead of turning to head towards the dining hall she went the other way.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
She shrugged. “My brother told me about this neat little diner on campus. I thought we’d check it out. My treat,” she smiled.
When she looked at me like that I found it impossible to say no.
I didn’t want to like her. Hell, I wanted to hate her. But something told me it was impossible not to like Thea. She was one of those people that were so vibrant and full of life that they were impossible to ignore.
Five minutes later we stood in front of the diner. Thea pushed open the door and a bell chimed pleasantly.
“Take a seat anywhere!” One of the waitresses called as she bustled behind the counter.
I followed Thea to a booth in the corner. The place was busy, but not too crowded.
Menus were already on the table and we each picked one up.
“Hmm,” Thea hummed, “everything sounds so good. I don’t know what to get.”
“I think I’m going to get the waffles,” I shrugged, setting the menu aside.
“Those do look good.” She licked her lips as if she could taste them already. “I think I’ll get them too.”
By the time a waitress finally made it to us we placed our drink and food order.
When the waitress left I longed for her to return, because her departure meant I was going to be forced to talk to Thea.
“So,” Thea drummed her fingers against the table, “I guess we should get to know each other, since we’re going to be living together and everything.”
I crossed my hands on the table and sat back. “Is that really necessary?”
Her lips quirked. “Yeah, it kind of is.” Leaning forward, her voice lowered. “I know you said you don’t want to be friends, but frankly I think that’s stupid, Rae. We’re going to be living together for quite a while and we should try to get along. I can tell you’re the type of person that pushes people away and while I can respect that to an extent, I refuse to tiptoe around my roommate.”
Whoa. This girl was nothing like what I thought when I first met her. I’d thought then that she was a clueless bimbo, but she saw more than I gave her credit for.
“Okay, then,” I shrugged, hoping I wasn’t making the wrong decision, “what do you want to know?”
“What are you studying?”
Easy enough. I hadn’t expected that. I figured she’d go right for the jugular and ask me why I was so fucked up. Thea was full of surprises.
“Photography. You?” I didn’t see the point in going into deeper details with her. The less I said the better.
She bit her plump bottom lip and looked down at the table. “Undecided.” Her eyes flicked up to meet mine. “Yeah, I’m one of those people.”
I gave her what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “There’s nothing wrong with not having it figured out yet. You’ll get there.”
She cracked a small smile in return. She reached over for the saltshaker and slid it back and forth across the table between her hands. “I hope so. Sometimes it really sucks living in my brother’s shadow. He’s got it all figured out and he’s good at everything. I’m just me…and sometimes I don’t even know who I am.”
I tried my best to hide my surprise at her honesty, but I failed.
She let out a soft laugh that held no humor. “Sorry to get so deep on you.” Her eyes flooded with sadness. “I don’t have many friends…actually, I don’t have any real friends. Most girls just want to get close to me because of my brother. But you…you don’t know him. I feel like I can trust you.”
“I’m not a good person,” I told her, swallowing thickly. “You don’t want me as a friend. I’ve done things. Horrible things. I—”
Thea shook her head. “No. I think you’re wrong. I think you’re beating yourself up over something that’s stupid.”
I doubted killing three people counted as stupid, but I wasn’t telling her that. I didn’t want to see the fear in her eyes, or the hatred. I’d gotten enough of that back home. The whispers and glances had often become overwhelming. It was why I spent the majority of the last year locked inside my bedroom.
“I’m not a good person, Thea,” I repeated. I needed her to understand that.
Her eyes softened and she reached for my hand where it rested on the table. I flinched at the touch, but refused to pull my hand back.
“You say that, Rae, but I think you’re wrong. Often times it’s all too easy to dilute ourselves into believing one thing than it is to see the truth in our own eyes. I may not know you that well, but I do see you. I see the pain in your eyes and I know something haunts you. We all have demons, but the thing is we usually think they’re worse than they really are.”
I opened my mouth to reply, but was cut off by the waitress appearing with our food.
While we ate Thea chatted about random things—the campus, her brother, how nervous she was for classes. I think she hoped she could distract me from our previous conversation, but it wasn’t working.
I wanted to dismiss her words, but I couldn’t, because a part of me wondered if she was right.
I knew what I’d done was wrong, horrible, despicable, and a bunch of other things, but was I torturing myself because it was easier than moving on?
Three
Sunday started much the same as Saturday had. I got up early, before the sun rose, and went outside to run.
Cade joined me halfway through.
We didn’t speak today and I tried my best to ignore him. I was learning that Cade wasn’t easily ignored, though.
Just like yesterday, I turned to look at him once I was safe in the dorm.
He stood watching me, arms crossed over his chest and his head tilted to the side.
I backed away and up the steps, and still I felt his eyes on me. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling and while it should’ve been creepy, it didn’t seem that way. I wished I could figure out what he wanted from me, but I didn’t dare to ask.
I was considering changi
ng my running schedule, but after some deep thought about it I decided against it. I wanted to run in the mornings and I wasn’t going to let Cade ruin my schedule. I could ignore him or avoid him. Problem solved.
Back in my room I grabbed my towel, clean clothes, and my shower caddy.
If yesterday served as the norm, Thea wouldn’t be up for another hour or two.
I was dreading this afternoon—aka The Pool Party.
I hated myself for agreeing to attend. Parties were not my thing. Especially ones involving water and half-naked people.
I pushed all thoughts of the hell I’d have to endure later out of my mind and let the hot water relax my sore muscles.
Soapsuds clung to my skin and hair before swirling down the drain.
Around and around.
Away.
Gone.
I stared at those white suds like they held the key to the universe.
I wished I could leave so easily.
Just disappear and cease to exist.
My fingers absentmindedly rubbed against the scar on my abdomen. I should’ve died, but I didn’t.
Miracle, the doctors said.
Curse, I chanted.
Most days the pain of my past was crippling. I’d learned to deal, but it didn’t make the memories any easier to bear. I’d lost my whole life in one instant—seconds was all it took to shatter my life, and I was the one to blame for it. I did this to myself. I was responsible for everything. At least I could own up to it unlike some people. I accepted what I’d done. I didn’t try to put blame on anyone else. Nope. This was all me.
My body began to shake as I cried.
In the safety of the shower was one of the only times I’d ever allow my emotions to get the better of me.
The water washed the tears away and the spray helped dull the sounds of my sobs.
I didn’t cry much about it. Tears didn’t solve anything. They didn’t have magical healing powers that made everything better. They didn’t erase the past, but sometimes I had to let them out.
Eventually I turned the shower off and stepped out onto the cold tile. It was brown and dingy. The whole dorm needed a good cleaning. Maybe after the pool party I could stop at the store and get some cleaning supplies.
Rae of Sunshine Page 2
