“What was that about Rachael?” Brett asked, closing his hand around my arm so I couldn’t leave.
I turned around and glanced sheepishly at my feet. I’d always been able to tell him everything, but this was different. I refused to jeopardize our friendship by telling him I liked him.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
His fingers grasped my chin, forcing me to look at him. His stare was intense and I squirmed, trying to get away.
“I really better get back to them.” I tossed a thumb over my shoulder.
He stared for a moment longer and released me. “Yeah, I guess so.”
I turned and started walking away, pushing the tall grass out of my way.
“Rachael!” He called.
I glanced at him over my shoulder. “Yeah.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, since we have plans and all,” he winked, turning my world upside down.
“Y-yeah, tomorrow,” I stuttered.
He chuckled and the lawnmower started up once more.
I shook my head and went back to the swing set in my yard.
“I knew it,” Sarah chimed, clapping her hands together.
I made no comment. Instead I looked over at the boy next door and let myself dream of what a future with him might be like.
***
I couldn’t move when I woke up. At first I figured that was because of the way I’d wrapped the blankets around me, but I quickly realized that I was wrong.
Cade hadn’t listened to me at all.
That little liar had waited until I fell asleep and gotten in bed with me. He wasn’t under the covers, but he’d still managed to wrap his arms around me and put one of his legs between mine. His breath tickled my neck as he slept.
I should of woken him up, but I didn’t.
Instead, I stared at him like a complete weirdo. I’d never really allowed myself to study his face, but now that I had my chance I wasn’t going to miss this opportunity.
Since he was sleeping the cut of his chin and the angles of his cheekbones seemed softer.
A lock of hair fell over his eyes and wiggled my hand out to brush it away. His hair was surprisingly smooth between my fingers. Unable to help myself I brushed my finger down the straight line of his nose and over the curve of his lips.
“Rae?”
I jumped, pulling my hand back.
“What are you doing?” He cracked an eye open.
“Uh…” I had no explanation for what I was doing and he knew it.
He smirked. “Speechless? That’s a new one.”
I guessed it was.
“At least you didn’t push me out of bed. I was expecting that,” he chuckled, raising up to peer down at me.
“There’s still time.” My voice sounded breathless with want and it pissed me off. I was sick and regardless I shouldn’t want Cade. But I did. Oh God, I did. How could I not? He was nice, and funny, and hot, and a million other things wrapped into one. I’d have to be a fucking nun not to be attracted to him. It didn’t mean I was going to act on it though.
Cade eased out of bed, careful not to kick me with his long legs. He pulled on his boots and my heart froze. He was leaving. Why did that thought fill me with such sadness?
“I’m going to get you some soup. I won’t be gone long,” he started towards the door.
I sat up, pulling my hair over my shoulder. “Okay.” I forced a smile. “Thanks, Cade.”
He tapped his fingers against the half-open door, his eyes oddly serious as he looked at me. “It’s no trouble at all.”
He ducked his head and the door clicked closed behind him.
While he was gone I decided to shower. No way was I doing that with him around.
I took an extra long time washing my hair and scrubbing my body. After being sick all night I didn’t smell pleasant. I wondered how Cade had been able to ignore it.
I watched the white soapsuds swirl down the drain before turning off the water. I pulled a towel around my body and brushed my hair so that it didn’t tangle and I ended up looking like Medusa. That was something no one wanted to see. I padded into my room and changed into a pair of sweatpants and a baggy shirt. I had just climbed back into bed when Cade returned. Thank God I’d been dressed. I couldn’t imagine how mortified I’d feel if he saw me naked.
He sat down on the end of my bed and shoved a Styrofoam cup with a lid on it into my hands. “Eat,” he demanded, and this time handed me a spoon.
I plucked the lid off and set it aside. I had to admit the aroma of the chicken noodle soup made my stomach rumble.
“You’re not going to feed me?” I joked, dipping the spoon into the liquid.
He chuckled, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “I figured you’d hurt me if I tried. I’m kind of afraid of you.”
“You, the big bad star football player, are afraid of me?” I laughed.
“Hey, you can be scary,” he defended.
“I feel like I should be offended.” I lifted the spoon to my lips.
“Nah, I like the way you are. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be here right now.” His face grew serious and I knew he meant it.
“Thanks,” I whispered, lowering my head so he couldn’t see my eyes.
“Thanks? For what?” He was puzzled.
I slowly lifted my head and forced myself to look at him. “For staying with me today. I know I was kind of a bitch this morning but I’m glad you’re here.”
His smiled widened and his eyes lit up. “Anything for you, Sunshine.”
“Why do you like me?” I asked. I couldn’t seem to stop the words from spilling from my mouth. I wanted to know. I wasn’t the nicest person, not anymore, and Cade…he was amazing.
He chuckled and leaned his head against the wall. “Because I see more than you think I do and I like what I see.” He turned his head towards me. “One day you’ll tell me what weighs so heavily on your shoulders. And you know what, Rae?”
“What?” I whispered.
“It won’t change anything for me.”
My hands shook and a little bit of soup sloshed over the side. “You don’t know me.”
“I beg to differ.” His blue eyes flicked up to mine. “I think we’ve done a mighty fine job of getting to know each other the past few weeks. We’re friends, Rae, and yeah I want more with you. I’m not going to hide that fact.”
“But why?” I gasped. “Y-you could have any girl you wanted, why me?”
He shrugged. “Those girls don’t want me for me. Things are different with you.”
“How can you be so sure?” I countered. “What if I’m just like those other girls?”
“Are you?” He asked, his lips twitching with the threat of a smile.
“No,” I answered, staring down at the soup that was rapidly growing cold.
“Exactly.” He nodded. “Being around you, it’s refreshing. Even if you never wanted an actual relationship with me I think I could be content with this…with being your friend.”
“Really?” I raised a brow in disbelief.
He chuckled, rubbing his jaw. “I could try.”
“I-I would like more with you,” I admitted and my heart lurched when his face lit up, “but I’m not ready for that.”
His face fell and he nodded. “I understand.”
“Do you?” I asked.
“Not really,” he admitted, “but I can respect that you have a reason.”
“You’re something else Cade Montgomery,” I stated, staring at him in awe.
He chuckled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just that most guys in your position—being a superstar football player—would be a major asshole, but you’re not. You’re unlike any guy I’ve ever met.” It was in that moment that I realized Cade was an old soul. I’d often heard my mom use the term to describe people who seemed wise beyond their years, and that was Cade. Yeah, he could be cocky at times, but he’d never, not once, been a jerk to me.
He shrugged. “I never a
sked for popularity and I didn’t want it anyway. At the end of the day I’m really a dork,” he winked.
I laughed, smiling. “You’re not a dork you’re just…”
“I’m just what, Rae?” His voice grew husky and desire swirled in the air between us. My rapidly growing feelings for Cade scared me and made me feel like I was betraying my first love. But he was gone and Cade was here, and could I really suffer alone for the rest of my life? My mom always told me one day I’d have to accept the harsh facts and move on from the past. I used to think that was impossible, but Cade, and even Thea, had shown me that I could let go. I was still holding on tight to the past though, but one finger was slipping and it wouldn’t be long until I was forced to release it.
“You.” I finally answered. “You’re just you.”
He grinned, his whole face lighting up. “I take it that’s a good thing?”
“Yeah,” I cracked a smile, “because even when I want to hate you, I like you.”
He chuckled. “You want to hate me?”
I finished the soup—or at least what I could manage to get down—and set it aside. “Yes,” I answered honestly, “because hating you would be so much easier than wanting you.”
“So…” He started, “you know I want you, and now you’ve admitted to wanting me too, but we’re going to do nothing about it?”
I frowned, snuggling beneath the covers—more for a silly sense of protection than actual need for the warmth. “I can’t, Cade. You said you could try being my friend and that’s what I need from you right now.”
“I did say that,” he nodded, “and I meant it.” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “This won’t be easy for me, but I’ll be damned if I can’t have you in my life in some way. I’m sick and tired of isolating myself because of fear.”
“What do you have to be afraid of?” I asked, suddenly grasping that there was more to Cade than I’d ever realized. Lately, I’d become too blinded by own thoughts and feelings to see other people’s problems. But now it was clear, things weren’t dandy for Cade.
He slowly raised his eyes to meet mine. The normally bright blue had become a stormy gray. “Monsters.”
I made no comment, because I understood his meaning.
With a sigh he kicked off his shoes. “Roll over. It’s cuddle time.”
“Uh…I don’t think friends cuddle.” My words fell flat since I was already scooting over to make room for him.
He brushed my hair away from my neck and his breath tickled my skin. “We’re special friends, Rae.”
If special was code for fucked up then that’s exactly what we were, because I knew now that we were two people haunted by very real demons.
eleven
Weeks passed and life seemed to be…not good, but okay.
Cade and I were working on being friends and Thea was…well, Thea.
Cade joined us now for lunch most days, unless he had something else he had to do. Since he was a senior he didn’t have many classes, which left him with a lot of free time.
He was already sitting at the lunch table when I arrived. His long legs were kicked up on the table and he had his hands crossed behind his head. People, guys and girls, tended to stare at Cade when he was around. I couldn’t blame them. There was something about the sight of him that was mesmerizing. Lord knew he made my brain and body do funny things.
“Hey, Rae of Sunshine,” he greeted me. “How’s your day been?”
“Boring,” I supplied with a shrug, sitting my bag and food down.
“Boring?” His brows rose. “We can’t have that.”
“Some days just are.” I unwrapped my sandwich and looked it over carefully for any mysterious discoloration or oozing—school food could be gross. Since it looked okay I took a bite.
His feet dropped to the ground with a thump. He leaned towards me, flicking his shaggy hair out of his eyes. “What can I do to make this boring day exciting?”
I could think of a million and one ways he could make this day more exciting. Most of those ideas included him naked and sweaty—God, my hormones were in overdrive lately.
I didn’t say tell him that, though.
“You could let me take your picture,” I supplied. I’d wanted to photograph Cade for a while now, but I hadn’t wanted to tell him that—he was already cocky enough as it was.
His eyes widened in surprise. “You want to take my picture?” He grinned slowly. “Oh, this could be interesting.”
A lump formed in my throat. Something told me my suggestion was going to earn me nothing but trouble. I knew I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
Thea appeared at the table and sat down. She was breathless, with her hair blown back. “God, it’s windy out there.”
“Rae wants to take my picture,” Cade announced, not acknowledging her comment.
Thea gave me a sly smile and turned to her brother, her face sobering. “I didn’t realize Rae was doing nudes now.”
I choked on my sandwich.
Thea reached over and beat my back as I struggled for air. “Thea!” I groaned when I had enough air.
“What?” She shrugged innocently. “It was a good joke. Admit it.”
Cade seemed to think so. He was laughing so hard I was surprised tears weren’t streaming down his face.
“It wasn’t even remotely funny,” I huffed.
“Aw, come on, Rae,” Cade chortled, “it was funny.”
I picked at my sandwich, suddenly not hungry. Nope, I was mortified, because what Thea said had reflected my previous thoughts.
As my humiliation subsided I grudgingly admitted, “It was a little funny.”
“See?” Cade grinned. “That wasn’t so hard now was it?” Without waiting for me to answer, he asked, “So when are we going to do this?” He tipped the chair back on two legs and waited for me to answer.
“After my last class, I guess,” I shrugged, finishing my sandwich. While my appetite might have vanished moments ago I knew if I didn’t eat now I’d be starving in an hour. “Around three?”
“Sounds good.” He drummed his knuckles against the top of the table. “What do you think?” He over exaggerated a pout. “Will I make a good model?”
“If you don’t do that I think you’ll be fine.” I found myself cracking a smile.
“Oh, man,” he groaned, “I thought that was going to be my signature pose.”
“Not even close.”
“I love it when you get bossy,” he smirked.
Thea gagged. “You guys are the most sickeningly sweet couple ever and you’re not even a couple. Just do it already so I don’t have to continue to watch your nasty foreplay.”
Cade chuckled. “The fact that you think this is foreplay is hysterical, but also a good thing, because it means I don’t have to kill anyone on this campus for touching you.” Oh no. Cade’s protective big brother side was coming out. I knew Thea hated it.
She wrinkled her nose. “You realize I’m not a nun, right?”
Cade’s face screwed up with distaste. “Let’s end this conversation before I do something stupid.”
My phone started vibrating in my pocket. I sighed. I knew who it was and the last thing I wanted to do was talk to her.
“I’ll see you guys later,” I told them, answering my phone as I gathered up my stuff. “Hi, mom.” I tried to keep phone calls with my mom to a maximum of once a week. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to my mom, I’d always been close with her and told her everything, but after last year things changed. She couldn’t protect me anymore and she became yet another reminder of everything I lost, because she was so closely tied to all my memories.
“Rachael, you haven’t called in a while and I was getting worried. Is everything okay?”
“It’s great,” I said honestly, throwing my trash away before heading for the glass double doors. As I left I could feel Cade’s gaze on my back like a brand marking me. “I’ve been really busy.”
“Oh, of course,” she si
ghed, “I miss you, Rachael. I wish you’d call us more. You’ve only spoken to your dad once since you left. It’s not easy for us having our only baby away at school. Will we see you at Thanksgiving at least?”
I hadn’t thought once about the holidays, but the thought of going home was nearly crippling. I stopped and leaned against the wall of one of the buildings, needing the support.
“I’m not sure, mom. The break is only a few days and as busy as I’ve been I doubt I’ll have the time to drive home.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling terrible for the lie, but now that I was away from that god-awful town I never wanted to go back.
“Oh, well if anything changes you let me know. I’m sure your dad would be happy to drive down there and get you. It’s only three hours from us.”
“Mom, we’ll see, okay?”
“Okay,” she agreed, but she knew I wasn’t coming home. I think she was beginning to realize that I may never come home again. “I’ll talk to you soon, sweetie.”
“Yep.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too, mom,” I hung up, and tears pricked my eyes. I wished so much that I could go back to the days where my mom and dad could chase all the monsters away. But now they lived inside me, where no one but me could see.
“Rae?”
I looked up and saw Cade jogging towards me.
I blinked my eyes to clear them of moisture. “Yeah?”
“I just wanted to check on you,” he explained, stopping in front of me. “You seemed upset when you left.”
“I’m fine,” I assured him.
“Who were you talking to?” He winced. “Shit, never mind, that sounds like a nosy question so don’t answer.”
“It was my mom,” I supplied, suppressing a laugh at his words.
“Oh,” he frowned, “are things…rough with you guys?”
I shrugged, not sure how much I should tell him. “We’re close, or we used to be. Then shit happened and…I lost who I was. I couldn’t confide in my mom anymore. Nothing was really the same.”
“Couldn’t or wouldn’t?” He questioned.
“Huh?”
“You couldn’t or wouldn’t confide in your mom?” He clarified.
I sighed, glancing down at the ground and away from his penetrating gaze. “Wouldn’t.”
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