“I-I don’t know.” I stuttered. “I’m not like other people. I can’t imagine myself five years down the road. All I can focus on is the here and now, and you’re a part of that.”
“I’ll take it,” he whispered.
Breaking the seriousness of the conversation, I said, “Shouldn’t we be getting back to campus so you can go to the gym?”
Cade cursed under his breath. “You’re right. We’ll finish eating and head back.”
By the time we packed everything up and got in the car my fingers and toes were numb.
“I think you should come to the gym with me.” Cade glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.
“Uh…isn’t that what I’m doing?”
He chuckled. “Yeah, sorry. I should’ve worded that better. What I meant is, I miss our runs. Why don’t you change, meet the guys, and stay for a while?”
I didn’t know what to say. It made me nervous, that was for sure. I didn’t know these guys and what if I hated them? At least if I was only going to meet them I could escape when I felt like it. Staying to work out with Cade would leave me trapped there. “I don’t know, Cade,” I mumbled.
“Hey, if you get there and decide you don’t want to stay then you can leave.”
When he put it that way I didn’t see how I could argue with him. “Okay,” I relented. It was hard to tell Cade no, but I also knew I needed to put myself out there.
His smile was huge which instantly made me feel better for agreeing.
We reached campus and Cade waited in the Jeep while I rushed inside my dorm to change. Thea was gone and I was kind of glad for that, so I didn’t have to explain anything to her.
I hurried back outside to the Jeep and clambered inside.
“That was fast,” Cade chuckled, driving over to the building the gym was housed in since it was too chilly to walk that far—and I still felt a bit frozen from eating our lunch outside.
“I thought you were running late,” I shrugged, “I didn’t want to hold you up anymore.”
The closer we got to the gym the more nervous I became. I wiped my damp palms on the black material of my pants.
I’d spent my last year of high school alienating myself from all human contact, and now I felt like I was constantly putting myself out there. College had changed me for the better, molding me into the person I needed to be. I still had a long way to go, though, but I now believed I’d get there. I didn’t feel so hopeless anymore.
When Cade parked at the gym I hopped out of the car before he could try to give me a pep talk. I was okay. Nervous? Yes. But I wasn’t freaking out.
Cade grabbed his duffel bag from the back and took my hand. I breathed out slowly, trying to calm myself. I hoped Cade was right and Eric was nowhere to be seen. I might run out of the building if I spotted him.
Cade led me around the equipment and to a back part of the building where the football players trained separately.
He opened the glass door and I thought the amount of testosterone swirling in the air might suffocate me. Hot, half-naked, sweaty guys everywhere. It was every girls dream, but I found myself clinging tighter to Cade as my eyes landed on every face searching for Eric. Cade was right though, and he wasn’t here. I breathed out a sigh of relief.
“Guys,” Cade called in a loud, authoritative voice. They all stopped what they were doing and looked at us. I kept my shoulders squared and my chin high, refusing to be intimidated by the large men. “This is my girlfriend, Rae. She’s going to hang out with us today.”
Someone whistled and then I heard a slap. Apparently someone wasn’t happy with the whistler.
The guy nearest to us stood up from the bench press he’d occupied. His shirt was drenched with sweat and his dark hair was damp too. “Nice to meet you,” he grinned, his brown eyes crinkling. Dimples, deeper than Cade’s, popped out in his cheeks. “I’m Brady.”
Brady…I remembered Cade mentioning that name.
I smiled at the big bear of a man. “That’s Adam.” He pointed to another guy and this one had coppery brown hair. “Dane. Jesse. Rob. And Tyler.”
“Hi,” I waved weekly.
“Go change,” Brady clapped a hand on Cade’s shoulder. “I’ll watch her.”
I wrinkled my nose. Watch me? Like I needed a babysitter? Great.
“I’ll be right back,” Cade kissed my cheek. “Five minutes tops.”
He eased out the door, giving me a reassuring smile.
Brady threw an arm around my shoulder. “We don’t bite. You have nothing to be afraid of. Contrary to popular belief, most of us are quite lovable. Like big, muscular teddy bears.”
I laughed and he smiled.
“See? Nothing to be afraid of.” He dropped his arm and stood in front of me. “I remember you,” he stated.
“Remember me?” I asked, laughing. “But we’ve never met.”
“I distinctly remember lover boy tackling you on the sidewalk,” he smirked. “Who would’ve thought that would’ve spawned a relationship. The guy hasn’t dated anyone in all four years he’s been here. We would’ve thought he’d taken a vow of chastity if it weren’t for the…well…” He winced.
“It’s okay,” I laughed. “We’ve talked about it. I know he’s had hook-ups.”
“Well, then, that’s good. Otherwise this conversation could’ve been very bad for Cadie boy.”
I liked this guy. The others looked on curiously as Brady continued to talk. He was obviously the chattiest of the bunch.
I was surprised when Adam spoke up, sweeping his hair from his eyes. “We heard about what happened with Eric. That wasn’t cool.”
I flinched. I didn’t want to be reminded about Eric.
“Coach heard about it,” Brady informed me, sitting on the bench again. “Eric won’t be playing in our last game next week.”
My eyes widened in surprise. I hadn’t expected that.
Cade returned, changed into his workout gear. “You better not have scared her way,” Cade warned good-naturedly.
I smiled up at him. “Not at all. Your friends are great.”
“So,” Brady chuckled, “does this mean I can bring my girlfriend to workout?”
Cade snorted. “Yeah, if you can get her to stop talking about her nails for five minutes.”
Brady shook his head, smiling. “Yeah, she does talk about them a lot.”
Cade chuckled, bumping his friend’s shoulder with his fist as he passed. I followed him over to the row of treadmills.
“It’s not as good as running outside,” he shrugged, and waved a hand at the treadmills, “but it will do.”
I stood on one of the treadmills and he climbed on the other.
Once we started running there was no room for conversation, but that was okay. With Cade I didn’t need to fill every moment with chatter, being with him was enough.
twenty-four
“I want to kiss you.” Brett’s voice skated over my skin. My heart fluttered like a little bird trapped beneath my ribs. My first kiss. It was finally going to happen. I’d always known it would be Brett. Even as a little girl I’d known the boy next door was the man I was going to marry. He was my best friend, my everything. We shared everything together so it seemed natural that we’d share the rest of our lives too.
I stepped closer to him and draped my arms around his shoulders. Other couples swayed around us at the school dance but I was oblivious to them.
Brett lowered his head and his lips glided lightly against mine. It wasn’t even a kiss, just a simple brush of his lips, but I already felt my knees weakening.
His hand at my waist tightened and he deepened the kiss, slow at first, and then with more urgency.
He pulled away and murmured into my hair, “I love you, Rae.”
Rae?
I looked up and saw Cade smiling down at me. The dance was gone and we stood on the football field. A sparkle caught my eye and I gasped at the ring on my finger.
“Thank you for giving me forever…”
“And then I woke up,” I told Kathleen. “What do you think it means?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think,” she sat back, crossing her legs. “All that matters is what it means to you.”
I bit my lip.
“You can tell me,” she continued. “This is a no judgment zone,” she waved her hands around, encompassing her office. I’d been coming to see Kathleen several times a week for three weeks now, so I knew she wasn’t kidding.
“I think it means I love him, that Cade’s the one...maybe Brett and I were never meant to be.” I fiddled with my fingers to have something to do. “I had my whole life planned out and then the accident happened and nothing made any sense.”
“Could you tell me more about the accident?” She pushed.
I sighed. There was no point in beating around the bush. Besides, I’d been whining to her about my woes for nearly a month now—might as well get to the point of all my problems.
“I was driving, got a text message, looked at my phone, crashed the car, and essentially murdered my boyfriend and best friends.” I tried to say the words casually, like it had no effect on me, but of course Kathleen knew better.
She tapped her fingers against the arm of the chair she occupied. “And that makes you feel guilty?”
“Of course it makes me feel guilty!” I exploded, the anger I felt rearing its ugly head. “I didn’t have to look at my phone! But then I go and have dreams like that and I hear my mom’s voice in my head telling me everything happens for a reason. So, then I wonder if I couldn’t have prevented what happened. But then I think that’s crazy, of course you could’ve prevented it by not looking at your fucking phone!” I gasped for air and sat back.
Kathleen watched me, not saying a word. “Texting and driving is a horrible thing, but it happened, Rachael. It happened, you’ve dealt with the consequences, and it’s time to move on. Hanging on to the past is pointless. It’s the past for a reason. It’s gone. Done. Over.” It was like she was trying to drill the words into my head.
“Sometimes I feel like they should’ve put me in jail.”
“Do you really think that would’ve solved your problems?” She countered with a raised brow.
“No,” I mumbled.
“It’s good that you feel remorseful for the accident, Rae. You’re not a killer.”
I closed my eyes. That’s exactly what I’d thought of myself for far too long.
“You were a girl who made a mistake. A mistake you’ve learned from.”
My lower lip began to tremble as sobs racked my body. “Sometimes I can still hear them screaming. I just want it to stop.” I wiped at my tears.
Kathleen reached out and clasped my hand. “You know how you make it stop?”
“How?” I asked, my voice shaking.
“You lay them to rest.” She said simply.
“Huh?”
“You have to accept that they’re gone,” she clarified. “Go to where they’re buried, say what you need to say, and be done with it.”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” I stared at a water stain on the ceiling. Lowering my gaze, I mumbled, “What would I even say?”
“I can’t tell you that,” she shook her head, tapping her pen against her lips. “That’s something you have to figure out on your own.”
***
Thea buzzed around our dorm room with excitement. Nova sat on my bed watching her with an amused expression on her face. Even though we’d recently finished our project we still hung out anytime we could.
“Is she always like this?” Nova asked me, brushing her long purple hair over one shoulder.
“Pretty much,” I replied as I finished lacing my Converse.
“It’s the last game of the season and Cade’s last game ever!” Thea exclaimed. “How can I not be excited? This is going to be epic!”
I looked at Nova and shrugged.
“It’s football,” Nova stated in a deadpan voice.
“And it’s amazing,” Thea countered.
“At least I can take pictures.” Nova held her camera close.
“Pictures? There’s no time for pictures!” Thea grabbed a Huntley University sweatshirt and shrugged into it. “You have to watch the game!” She grabbed a beanie and put it on as well.
“Yeah, Nova, you have to watch the game,” I laughed.
“Is Jace going to be there?” She asked, brightening.
“No,” Thea grabbed her shoes from the closet, “he never goes to the games.”
“Well I didn’t either until today,” Nova countered. “How did I get suckered into this again?”
“Well, Thea bribed you with coffee and suckered you into it,” I replied, pulling my hair into a ponytail. It was windy and the last thing I wanted was my hair whipping my face through the whole game.
“Dammit,” Nova laughed, “coffee is my weakness.”
“I’m ready,” Thea finally declared.
The three of us headed over to the stadium and while I’d attended most of the games I’d never seen one as crowded as this.
“Are there going to be enough seats for all of these people?” I asked Thea under my breath.
She laughed. “Of course, silly.”
I was still doubtful despite her positivity.
We took our seats and my body got that familiar hum of excitement.
“Hey, look,” Thea pointed, “it’s my dad!”
I leaned forward, craning my neck to see the man she pointed at. Yeah, that was definitely their dad. I hoped he didn’t do or say anything to Cade. Cade was such a positive and happy person. He didn’t need his father trying to cut him down.
Nova lifted her camera, taking pictures of the crowd, the field, everything really.
“I’m so excited,” Thea rubbed her hands together.
“I can tell,” I mumbled under my breath. Thea was always super hyper at football games, sometimes annoyingly so.
“I’m going to go talk to my dad and I’ll be back.” Before I could reply she slipped out of her seat and down the steps.
“Is she going to be like that for the whole game?” Nova asked, lowering her camera to her lap.
“No.”
“Thank God,” she breathed a sigh of relief.
“She gets worse,” I laughed.
“Fuck,” Nova groaned.
My thoughts exactly.
***
When halftime came and the players left the field I couldn’t help watching Cade’s dad leave his seat and I wondered if he was going in search of his son.
Despite the thrill of the game and the packed bodies I was still freezing in the December air. Even though I wore gloves my fingers were frozen. I tried to wiggle them but they wouldn’t move. I wished I had a hot cup of coffee to hold. Yeah, coffee would be fantastic right about now. Or a small fire.
“I’ll be right back,” Thea told us, standing and going to talk to some girls she knew.
Blowing warm air into her hands Nova looked at me. “I think I picked the wrong game to come to. I’m so cold.”
“We should’ve brought blankets,” I agreed, and we huddled closer together like penguins.
Halftime passed quickly and Thea joined us once more.
The score was so close that I feared we might actually lose this game.
“You see that guy there by my dad?” Thea tapped my shoulder and pointed.
“Yeah,” I nodded, squinting my eyes so I could see the man more clearly.
“He’s a scout.” She clapped giddily, her cheeks flushing.
“Like for the NFL?” I clarified. I was clueless when it came to this kind of stuff.
“Yes,” she cheered. “Isn’t it exciting? Cade could be on a professional team next year!”
I frowned, and didn’t comment. I knew that was the last thing Cade wanted, but Thea clearly didn’t know that. It made me worried that Cade might pursue that path just to please his family. It wasn’t something we’d discussed in depth. I knew he didn’t want to be a part o
f the NFL, but he’d never told me if he knew for sure he wasn’t pursuing it.
Thea seemed to sense my change in mood and left me alone—although she still cheered obnoxiously loud. The girl put the cheer team to shame.
“Are you okay?” Nova asked.
I opened my mouth to answer her, but gasped instead.
Cade went down, his knee slamming into the ground. He rolled over clutching his leg.
“Oh my God!” I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth. “Cade!” I cried, trying to push by Thea to reach him—like as if they’d actually let me onto the field. “Cade! I have to get to Cade!” I pleaded with Thea when she grasped my shoulders.
Panic swarmed through my body at seeing him lying on the field. I wanted to get down there and do something. I needed to help him—even if it was just to hold his hand.
“Rae, he’s okay, see?” She pointed to the field where a teammate was pulling him up. He was walking with a limp, but appeared to be shaking off the injury.
“Oh, thank God,” I breathed, hugging her.
My moment of panic began to fade. I’d clearly over reacted, but the thought of Cade being seriously hurt had been crushing, and it was within that moment that I finally grasped the depths of my feelings for Cade and the truth my dream had been trying to reveal to me.
I was in love with Cade Montgomery
Not the kind of puppy love of someone infatuated.
This was true, deep, irrevocable love.
I knew it was probably too soon to feel that way, but these things couldn’t really be controlled. When something is meant to be it’s unstoppable.
“You can check on him after the game, but I promise he’s okay,” she assured, urging me to sit down.
I watched his teammates guide him to the bench and I wished desperately that I could be there for him the way he was always there for me.
But I had to wait, and that really fucking sucked.
My eyes flickered for the rest of the game from Cade on the bench to his father in the stands. Even from this distance I could see the hard set of the man’s shoulders. He was pissed. I was terrified that the man was going to inflict even more damage to Cade, both physically and mentally.
When the game ended I had no idea who won, but from the cheers on our side I assumed it was us. I pushed Thea out of my way so I could get to the aisle. I didn’t care if I offended her with my gesture or not. I had to get to Cade. Now.
Rae of Sunshine Page 23
