by Leanne Davis
She shakes her head as if prodding herself to get rid of some image. “Anyway, it’s not sexy in my book. But that night at the tower, they took me there, claiming they wanted to tag it. But they didn’t intend to tag at all, not really. He and two other guys wanted to all have sex with me at once. Together. It’s not… you know, not my thing. I said no, even as high as I was. They were forceful… and I got scared. I climbed the tower without thinking. I just wanted to get away from them. I was desperate and for the first time scared they’d force me to do what they wanted. So I climbed the tower.”
I lean forward, totally riveted and flabbergasted by the parts of the story I didn’t know. “You see why I couldn’t tell my parents that part…”
“You were getting away from Anand trying to pass you around?”
“Yes. I texted you while they were still below, calling me. The most ironic part? They were too scared to climb up after me. Even Anand. He wusses out around heights.”
I laughed out loud. Not at her, but at Anand. Hearing this strange, crazy story and I laugh out loud? That was because of my nerves. The image of her outmaneuvering three huge, burly, bad–attitude bikers is pretty awesome. And I’m glad she did.
“Why did you text me, of all people?”
She holds my gaze, then glances down, dipping her finger in the cup and coming up with the mostly melted marshmallow I added to it. She sucks on it. Does she realize how every single thing she does is tinged with sex?
“I knew you’d come. And I knew you could easily climb it. I somehow remembered that. But I took more drugs while I was up there, and that’s when I got completely disoriented. It was a colossal example of sheer stupidity.”
“Well, even in that state, I’m glad you called me. But I have to tell you, I’m also pretty impressed because that is not an easy climb and none of it seemed to bother you in the least.”
She grins finally. “It doesn’t. Heights have never fazed me before. But my point is, you treat me with ten times more respect than any guy I’ve ever been with.”
I squirm around, uncomfortable because I really have not. Not the way it went down. “It shouldn’t have happened… there, that night, with you, all high and cold and confused…”
“I said no emphatically to Anand. Then I said it to Anand and his friends. I quiet clearly said yes to you by my actions. It wasn’t my finest hour, I know, but it wasn’t my worst, either. Okay? It just kind of happened. But I made it happen. For both of us. You don’t owe me anything. You don’t have to do… this…” She waves her arms, indicating the apartment.
“I want you here more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. I just, well, I know what I am and what I’m not. And I am not the kind of guy you date. I’m the eternal friend. The safe guy. I mean, I guess it’s understandable after what you went through, but my desire is not to be that.”
She stares at me for a long moment. Then she scooches around the coffee table, and comes up to me, directly between my legs, where I am sitting on the couch. She is now eye level with me. She doesn’t smile. Her gaze holds mine as she grabs the edges of her sweater and shirt. She lifts and pulls both of them at once over her head. Still staring at me, she reaches behind her back and undoes the hook, dropping her bra to the floor. She kneels before me and her torso is long, smooth, slender, and bare. Her breasts are huge and pointing upwards in a youthful bounce. My body instantly responds and my throat goes dry. She puts her hands on mine and pulls them towards her body, pressing them to her breasts until I’m holding them. I cup their ample weight as her nipples push into my palms.
I stare at her, and my entire body blazes for her. I don’t expect that. Not this bold or this fast. It’s almost impossible to resist placing my hands and fingers on her and tugging the big, dark nipples. Her breath catches as she closes her eyes. She stays right there, bare and sure with her mouth opening as little breaths of air come out.
Except, all she’s here for is this. It’s what I want from her, yes. Badly. Desperately. But not after all the things she just finished telling me and how she thinks she can’t even converse with me, or hold my interest. Saying I’m better than Anand and his friends simply because I wasn’t as likely to pass her on to my friends. Yeah, not real high standards. I’m realizing there needs to be more of substance between us. There needs to be some kind of relationship. So far what we have is that I’m nicer than Anand. Not really enough to base… well, to base anything at all on.
I lean forward, placing my lips on hers and she responds. It’s so good, I let it go on for minutes. But I must stop. With every last ounce of will power, I slide my hands off her breasts and towards her shoulders before cupping her face. I tilt her head towards mine and kiss her long and deep before withdrawing my tongue to kiss her lips a few more times before I stop. My lips are hovering over hers.
“I want to do this with you, more than I want to breathe. But I don’t think right now, it’s what you need.”
Will she grow angry? Her breath is chocolatey as it wafts over me. Still, no more than a hair’s breadth of space between us.
“What do you think I need?”
Is it too pretentious for me to assume sex isn’t what she wants with me? But I think it’s what she’s used to hearing from guys. It’s her comfort zone, her MO when anything begins to become too deep or unfamiliar to her. Me? Obviously, sex is one thing I’m not comfortable at all with.
“I don’t know. But if this is what you think you need to do and not what you want to do, I already told you I don’t want to be your safe and sane rebound. Maybe it’s more about what I need, than it is about you. So I ask you to be sure it’s me you want and not just…”
“The next guy?” she supplies when my voice fades. Topless, she is still directly staring at me, unfazed by my eyes that keep descending. It’s hard not to look, she has such perfectly formed, beautiful breasts. I’m getting hard just glimpsing at them.
“Yeah,” I finally say. Maybe she should see if she actually likes the next guy that comes along, even if it’s me, instead of dating or sleeping with whoever it is.
She sits back down so her butt is on her heels. “What do you want then?”
“How about if we just spend time together?” I reply, knowing how lame it sounds.
Her eyes squint and she sighs. “Are you sure you’re not gay?” A small smile on her face lets me know she’s kidding.
I smile too. “No, Missy. I’m not gay. I could hurt you with the hard on I have for you right now. I just don’t want to… you know, screw everything up.”
Her face twists up in confusion. “Because you still think I’m using you to fill some kind of void inside me?”
“Maybe. And because it’s…” I turn away. My hot blood burns my face. “It’s new to me.”
Her entire body freezes. She leans over and grabs her sweater, pulling it over her head. She closes her eyes. I don’t know why I told her that.
“You mean, you were a—a virgin? That night?”
I clear my throat and push my fingers into my eyes. I seriously consider plucking them out of my head. She didn’t know. I was sure she suspected that immediately. Why did I go and announce it? Stupid. Dumb. Naive. That’s me. Now, I have to resist the urge to hit my head repeatedly against the wall. Way to go. To show her what a damn stud I am. First, I refuse her as she sits before me naked, and then I cap it off by announcing my inexperience to the girl who just described the orgy she thankfully escaped.
Chapter Ten
~Melissa~
His face is completely burning up. He’s embarrassed. With me. I’m not sure how to handle that, which is unusual for me. Dealing with guys is probably the one area I totally rock at.
I have never had a guy turn me down before, especially when I’m half–naked and willing. But his reasoning has me stumped. There are so many levels here that I realize he is right about. I do go from one guy to the next. I don’t even have a specific type; I just take the next guy that asks. They want me, I
somehow morph into wanting them. Even with Seth.
I was freaked out the night of the water tower. Then came Seth. He was only there to save me. He seemed so concerned. His facial features were tragically worried about me. After being treated like an object and handed around by my boyfriend to his friends, I felt like a rare, interesting, and valuable diamond.
I was still out of it, but I knew Seth was different. He came there only because he cared about my safety. He alone showed decent human compassion towards me.
The way he clutched me next to him was desperate, and his relief was almost tangible. He cared that much about me in that moment. And yeah, that meant something to me. The X made any touch feel good, so good that I went with it, because I liked it. Not the first time either. I often do what feels good without thinking about the consequences.
My safe and sane alternative. That’s what Seth thinks I’m doing here. I get up and sit down next to him. Is he correct?
He could be. Now that I’ve thought about it for a second and put my clothes back on, there is every possibility he could be right. Or that he was just the next one who asked me. Not such an attractive pattern. I curl my arms over my stomach. He’s beside me now, completely quiet. He’s taller than me and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. His hair is straight and it falls over his forehead when his head tilts down. I never noticed that before. I like it. It makes me want to push it backwards. There’s something almost sweet about the way he’s sitting there waiting for my reaction. Not many boys or men ever ask or care what my reaction is. Including myself. Maybe mostly myself.
I wish I knew he’d never had sex before that night. That is not how I would have chosen to do it with him. I probably wouldn’t have done it at all. I cringe now, thinking of the odd setting and circumstances. But most of all, that I was the only girl he did it with. That was something I could never claim with him.
I lean my head against his arm for no reason. I don’t know what makes me do that. I’m not usually a warm, fuzzy, clingy kind of girl. I don’t seek out affection. And the guys I sleep with generally appreciate that about me. Who knew that whipping off my shirt, a move that regularly precedes sex by about five minutes, would freak Seth out? It wasn’t the right move to do with him. Maybe…. I have to figure out how to be with him without my moves. I have no idea how to do that.
His body jolts at my contact. “No one has ever stopped me before. Or hesitated. Or made me think about it.”
“Yeah, a regular, good ol’ time is what I am,” he mumbles. His tone is disgusted. He regrets it. Now I realize that.
I tilt my head to glance up at him. “It’s what I do, Seth. I sleep with guys. Most guys want to.”
“I want to,” he mumbles, twisting his lips. “Let’s do it again. I’ll react differently next time. I swear.”
He makes me smile. He can be funny and serious and unsure. I’ve never seen that combination in a guy before. Especially young guys. He’s so confident in himself, who he is, and he embraces it and lets it be. Yet, with me, he doubts himself.
“I’m trying to make a point here. I don’t know how to act or talk with a guy without sex being the primary thing that we do.”
“I know,” he says softly. It’s weird but I believe him because he cares enough to notice. Still, he doesn’t make eye contact.
“I want to be different. I really want to be different. You’re the first guy I’ve ever been with who’s considerate to… me. It’s…” My words drift off. What? What is it? How can I describe it?
“Lame. Stupid. Nerdy?”
“I say things to deflect from the things I shouldn’t be doing. Especially with you. I know you’re a better person than I am. I know you embody everything good and decent in the world. You deserve someone much better than me. But you and I had sex and now, I feel different about you. I feel…”
He turns finally and his gaze intrigues me. He reaches over and touches the side of my face. He’s done that a few times now, usually when he’s going to kiss me. He touches me with the softest brush of his fingers and cups my face in the sweetest and most tender way. His eyes search my face and he is actually looking at me like he sees me, all of me. He likes my face. He likes my body. But he’s looking for more than that. That’s what his entire demeanor is saying to me. He’s trying to figure out what it’s like on the inside of me, since the outside is something that he’s attracted to. But I don’t think my exterior is enough for him. At all. Now that he’s turned me down, I get the message loud and clear. And nothing has ever made my heart beat so fast or zinged of something more to come.
I’ve watched Seth on and off for my entire life. During middle school, he let his shaggy hair fall over his face as if he were hiding himself. He had acne and was too tall and lanky at a young age. He slouched his shoulders forward to reduce his height and blend in more, always trying to be invisible. The opposite of what I did, which was try to be noticed. He was always a dork, nerd, and computer geek right down to the black–rimmed glasses he wore.
But in high school, he changed. He filled out and started standing up differently. He lost the acne and shaggy hair. He probably started climbing sometime in high school and that changed his entire physique. He started talking more too and engaging with more people. He was good with adults but not with kids his own age. I noticed him. I just pretended not to.
But now as I see him, constantly figuring out what to do with me, something melts my heart. I recall his former demeanor, the unsure, quiet, slouching middle schooler I used to know when I see how interested he seems to have me beside him. The other Seth, the capable, smart Seth with an answer for everything, is too good for me.
We’re two people with no idea how to proceed with each other.
Talking. Maybe I should try talking to this guy. Getting to know him better. I’ve never done that before. And maybe, although this is even crazier, I could try being honest with him.
“I like when you do that.”
His gaze meets mine, and his eyes grow wider in surprise at my words. Puzzled, he asks, “What?”
“When you touch me. You do it in nice ways that don’t tell me to take my shirt off.”
His eyebrows lower. “Like what?” My heart flips around. He doesn’t even realize what he does. I like how he chooses to treat me. I realize it now. I cover his hand that’s so gently holding the side of my head.
“Like this.”
His gaze lands on our hands. He shrugs. “Isn’t that just… how it should be?”
“I don’t know, Seth. I’ve never done it that way.”
“Done what?”
“Gotten to really know a guy.” I thread my fingers through his. He lets our hands fall to our thighs, which barely touch. “And let him know me. Anand doesn’t even know I have three sisters. He knows nothing about me.”
“Why?” Seth’s gaze is puzzled, like he can’t figure out why I would want that.
“Because I don’t trust him. I know he is bad news so I didn’t want him to have any real information about me.”
“Then why…” He shakes his head. “Don’t answer that. I guess I know why.”
“No. You probably don’t know why. Some of it is to annoy my father. I like to snub my finger at my family because I can’t measure up to them. But Seth, I also annoy you. Sex doesn’t change that,” I state, surprising him. He opens his mouth and then shuts it. I smile. At least he doesn’t lie.
“You might not now.”
“Because I had sex with you? It doesn’t change me.”
“No. But something changed about how I feel towards you.”
“Maybe it’s because I was your first. Maybe you’re investing too much emotion towards a good, physical experience because you never had it before.”
“Yes. That’s what I wonder too.”
“But it’s not like that for me. You have to look at me with the eyes you used before. I do annoy you, Seth. I’m impulsive and I blurt things out without thinking first… and I’m wild
and I do things you don’t approve of. You can’t ignore those things.”
“I know that. But maybe there’s more to you than that. Maybe I want to know if there is. Maybe I think it’s worth finding out if there is.”
I close my eyes for a moment. No guy could feel like that about me. I open my eyes. “Be careful. I think you could hurt me. Badly. Just please, be careful with me.”
His head literally jerks back. “How do you figure I could hurt you? I don’t even know what to do with you. It’s the other way around.”
I shake my head and my eyes gleam with emotion. “No, Seth, it’s not.”
He leans down and kisses my lips. His lips barely slide over mine before he pulls back. I can’t help leaning towards him. “You’re good at that.”
“What?”
“Kissing.”
“I have done that before.” He rolls his eyes.
It’s odd for me to feel self–conscious over touching a guy. But I do. I almost have to take a deep breath just to push back the hair on his forehead. I do and his eyes grow wary. He doesn’t trust me. I probably don’t deserve his trust.
“Why haven’t you had sex then? Is it a religious thing? I know your family is more religious than mine, but you don’t talk about it much.”
His gaze lands everywhere but on me. “No. That might play into it. But Celeste refused to until she got married, so for the two years that I was with her, we didn’t. And then after that, there wasn’t anyone else, other than a date here and there. I don’t know why. I guess I didn’t try too hard. I was so busy with school and climbing that I just didn’t…and then, all of a sudden, I was twenty–two and…”
