by Leanne Davis
He knows there is much more to it. I can tell by his hesitation. He almost says something, but he finally nods nonchalantly and adds, “We’ll have dinner together tonight.”
Of course. I grit my teeth into a smile. “Sure. I’ll see you then,” I answer.
I suffer through Bella and Finn’s presence at dinner, feeling awkward and strained. Fake. I play along, contrary to my normal behavior. I’m not sure if I’m doing it for Seth, my mom or perhaps myself. I am super nice to Bella, pretending I heard nothing and say things like, Gee, isn’t the weather nice? Then their conversation enters my conscious mind. I’ve been spacing out here and there.
“We’re going climbing tomorrow,” Finn informs my father. I forget that Seth often climbs with his dad; it’s how he got started.
I whip my eyes to Seth. He’s talking to his mom and doesn’t hear that. I tug on his elbow. “You’re going climbing tomorrow?”
He glances at his dad and replies, “Yeah. Spur–of–the–moment thing because they’re here.”
“The free kind?” I can’t remember the proper term.
“Yes.” He smiles at my wording. How can Bella not worry? She thinks I’ll ruin his life with all of my internal issues, but at least I won’t send him plummeting to his death by smashing into rocks, trees or ice and crushing all his bones and organs in a matter of seconds. Dead. I won’t threaten that. Free climbing is a dangerous hobby, and that is what the woman stays quiet about?
I glare at him and face forward. Chanting to myself, Not here. I can’t do this here, I can restrain my impulses. I finish the meal, quiet and seething. Two things I’m not so good at handling. I suffer through their banal interaction with my parents as his parents catch up with their lives. I see a mild strain around Bella’s mouth and I know she resents my mom for not telling her sooner about her son and me.
I agree with Bella. We have some common ground. He should have told her. When he went home over his winter break, or any other day in between then. Just as he should have mentioned me at some point, somewhere, to someone. It’s aggravating me now, making me angry and I know it. It keeps growing. I just don’t want to be like I usually am and go off. I don’t want to overreact by being emotional or overly sensitive.
It’s all part of ADHD and I know Seth is aware of it. I don’t want him analyzing me to figure out how much of me is steeped in ADHD and how much is just me. Maybe there is no way to separate the two. I feel the anger rising fast. Like it wants to spew out of my mouth.
Dinner thankfully ends and I nearly jump to my feet. I don’t even help Mom clear the dishes. I’m sure that’s another black mark in Bella’s book. Neither does Seth; he keeps talking to our dads. I mumble something about not feeling well and go to my room.
After more than an hour, Seth knocks. He comes in and sits down without me saying anything. I don’t feel like talking. “I’m sorry I didn’t warn you, but it was all spontaneous.”
“Just like your mom coming to town.”
“Well, yeah.”
I pull my knees up. “I don’t want you to do that. It’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid to me. Just like you racing hell–bent on a motorbike isn’t stupid to you. It makes you feel alive. I watch you and your dad do it together and all I can think of is why? Why the heck would you do something so dangerous as that? If you fell, or even turned the wrong way, or a rock got caught in your tire, you could wipe out and do real damage to yourself. But I have no intention of stopping you.” My dad and I often race around the track that loops around our land.
“It’s just a machine on the ground. Not like hanging off a mountain several stories up.”
“A machine you trust with your life at times. I’ve witnessed how you ride, and then you tell me that it’s tame compared to when no one else is around you and Will. Well, I don’t trust a machine with my life. I trust myself. I earned good odds for my safety over yours. I’m slow and methodical. I make educated guesses on the best routes and safest practices. You just fly around the hills, recklessly racing for fun.”
My mouth opens to reply, realizing some comparisons, but I’m too far invested in my anger to care. It’s all culminating. Starting with the stupid study group and ending with him not telling his mother about me. Even worse, not defending me to his mother. Or defending us. Because really, she was insulting his taste in women and assuming I was just a piece of ass he was screwing and nothing more. Or maybe Bella sees the truth that Seth refuses to admit. I haven’t ruled that out yet either.
“Your dad free climbs?”
“My dad used to do it when he was younger. Not anymore. But he’s the one who told me about it and got me into it.”
I really don’t like it, with an intensity I can’t put into words. It makes my stomach hurt just picturing it in my mind.
“Just use a rope. For safety. What could it hurt? I wear a helmet.”
He shakes his head. “But no body armor. Why? Because at some point, it feels too safe.”
“A rope is too safe?”
“Please. Don’t make a big thing of it. I’ll go there, do it, and be back, and nothing will happen. You don’t have to worry.”
Flames smolder in my eyes. Don’t worry? He might as well have said “just calm down” as if I were a child in need of comfort and soothing. Maybe that’s what he thinks. But it’s not what I am. Not about this. My gut can’t handle this. I restrain my comment because his damn parents are still talking to mine. I can hear their murmuring voices.
I turn away. He comes closer and tries to grab my arm but I pull it out of his hand.
“Don’t,” I snap. “Don’t touch me.”
He lets me go and stands there for a long moment, fidgeting. Finally, he sighs. “All right, I’ll see you on Monday.”
And with that, he goes off to tempt fate again. My stomach aches and reacts, like someone is punching me. But I don’t run after him or try to make nice. Maybe I should. I mean, I have real concerns over losing him. How can I let him go without a kind word? In fact, he only left after getting my cold shoulder and my anger.
But what if he refuses to take me seriously? Reality hits me. The clues haven’t exactly been hidden all this time.
I intend to remain home. I want to stay in. I refuse to act out or do anything stupid. I throw myself on my bed and lie there in the dark, letting the night fall around me until I finally drop off to sleep. In the middle of the night, I’m woken up by my phone ringing with a new text message. I lean over groggily, and grab it, thinking maybe it’s Seth. I’m instantly hoping we’ll talk, figure things out, and feel glad just to hear each other’s voices. The number I see isn’t one I recognize, but I do recognize the picture. I sit up, blinking in horror. Actually, I don’t identify the person in the picture, only what it is. A dick pic with the message, “Hey, Melissa, wanna stuff this too?”
Annoyed, I erase it. Not the first one for me. It would floor my parents, however, if they saw it on my phone. I delete it, roll over, and forget it. It’s probably something left over from when I was with Anand. But then, two more similar messages come in. One with a picture, the other without. As I get up the next morning, I’m growing annoyed, confused, and a little restless. Why is this happening?
I’m in a foul mood. Between Bella hanging around and Seth and his dad leaving while my phone flashes me with ugly dicks and rude, crude messages, I feel like something strange and bad is looming.
I get three more before I figure it out the next day. Anand put me on a website: HOTEXING.net. I’m shaking as I click on it. It only occurs to me while I’m in the shower. I know something big is going on with all the messages. I type in my name and find it. Mustering all my guts, I click on it. I see a website where all flavors and types and proclivities for sex are listed along the side. By clicking on the pictures, which are solely of girls, this site provides their names, phone numbers, and addresses.
I throw my phone across my room. Horrified and totally violated, I start to cry and put my hand
s over my mouth. I bend over, crying harder. I sent Anand the pictures. I know he took several others. I now see them on this site. I can’t deny my knowledge of their existence. I just didn’t think he’d bother to do something so mean and cruel.
I cry for half the afternoon and my anger grows. I click on it again. Some of the girls on the site are pre–pubescent. It’s child porn, although the pictures claim the girls are eighteen. Eighteen, my ass. Anand technically owns those photos since they’re on his phone, all of them. What are my rights? I don’t know. My brain spins out of control. I feel a crushing sense of humiliation and embarrassment. I cross my arms over my chest when I see my name. All my contact information is out there. I shut my phone off and smack it against the floor. It’s hard wood and I do it over and over again until my phone is nearly in pieces. It kind of helps, but not enough. I get on my feet. My dad! I want to run to him because I know he’ll protect me. He can do it too, because he’s trained in that shit. He has guns and knives all locked up in his weapons safe. He won’t let anything or anyone touch me. But I’ll have to explain why perverted, porn–seeking men are texting me. I can’t… Oh, God. It makes me nauseous just picturing him seeing these graphic images. No. No. NO!
Just when things are finally getting better. Dad and I ride together every weekend, rain, snow or shine. Both of my parents are talking to me again. When I recently mentioned that I’d like to learn how to officially train dogs and someday open a kennel, they all but jumped for joy and could not contain their excitement. Dad was practically ready to start building the kennels. It was exactly how he reacted to Christina’s plans. And Emily’s plans, and now, finally mine. Excitement. Interest. Trust. Support.
And now this? All this will do is remind him of who and what I’ve been for so long.
I jump in my car and the tires squeal out of there. I am freaked out, but also furious and ready to erupt like a volcano. I head towards Anand’s mother’s house. The fucking loser, the useless prick, the scummy asswipe who tried to share me with his friends and then dares to upload his pictures of me on the internet? It makes me cringe and hot tears slide down my cheeks. This… this could ruin everything. All of my potential jobs and friends, my family, my… boyfriend. Seth. My heart clenches with despair. Seth, who is a class act when it comes to this stuff. Quiet and always respectful, he barely talks about sex with me, let alone anyone else. There would never be a moment when I would text him a naked pic. I know he’d be insulted and appalled and maybe even disgusted by it. Not his thing. I deserve this. My karma is finally repaying me for all the crazy stunts I pulled and the foul people I allowed into my life. All those losers I once welcomed into my life and sent nasty pictures to are returning to haunt me.
Chapter Sixteen
~Seth~
We stay overnight and I’m wiped, but in a good way, when we return. I know I have to face Melissa, but it was nice to let everything fade and fall away. I get lost in the challenge, the calm and the quiet of being in the wilderness. Dad and I headed towards Leavenworth again. It’s just over an hour away and there are lots of boulders to climb there. Feeling the rock under my hands, as my body focuses and quietly descends, makes everything simply melt away. There is nothing else like it for me.
My parents prepare to leave and we have a long goodbye. My mom cries and I pat her back and give her endless hugs. Finally, they depart, driving my dad’s truck to Spokane. My mom plans to fly home from there since Dad’s on another haul.
I think I’ll wait until tomorrow before I see Melissa and try to figure all this out. We left things unsettled and I know it’s not good, but tonight, I have to put the finishing touches on a paper I wrote and I just want to get that done.
Glancing out the window, I see her flying out of her house, crying hard. I assume she’s coming here to confront me about my mom and what I didn’t do, as well as going off with my dad and rock–climbing. It irks me, however, that she makes such a big damn deal about it and the risk of dying, yet she doesn’t come over and make sure I’m freaking alive.
She gets in her car and peels out of there. I immediately head out to my Jeep with a sense of dread. I don’t like this. Not one bit. What is she so upset about? Our disagreement isn’t really substantial enough for her to be hysterical about. Or go tearing out of here. I follow her, hoping to catch her along the backroads, but I don’t overtake her. She’s literally flying… Talk about risking death at high speeds. I want to grumble her own words at her. I finally hang back long enough to follow her, realizing my need to know where she is going.
My hunch proves true when she pulls up to an old, decrepit house with several motorcycles parked out front. Not that I know their actual owners, but I do know this crowd. We’re right back in Anand’s arena. What is she doing? Why? Because of one night? She can’t handle one night of us being at odds? After something that wasn’t even serious, here she is, running back to her ex. The last time Anand messed with her, she nearly toppled to her death. Ironic, isn’t it? My hands squeeze the steering wheel with frustration as I watch her jumping out of her car before she storms inside. She doesn’t halt or knock or even pause. It might be creepy for me to observe her without her knowledge, but my intentions are pretty benign. Unlike hers.
And unlike the last time, she’s my girlfriend now. Whether we’re fighting or not, I know Anand and his counterparts are an inherent danger to her. Even if she doesn’t get that memo.
I jam my Jeep into park and slam the door. The house vibrates with ear–splitting music. I hear many voices. It must be a party or a big enough gathering that I hope I can slip in inconspicuously. I open the door and enter. It’s so dark and gloomy, it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust. Smoke hovers on the ceiling, making it hard to breathe and see. People are milling aimlessly all about. Some are smoking joints, others just bullshitting and chilling. A loud voice comes from the kitchen. Anand suddenly enters with a freaking semi–automatic that he sweeps over the room. I drop down to the floor, my heart lodging in my throat. I close my eyes, anticipating the sharp crack of gunshot. But nothing happens so I slowly open them. Most of the other people also duck and flinch and dive for cover. I am not the only one. Even this crowd is shocked by his gun. I’m still close to the front door, scanning the faces for Melissa. Anand grins and laughs, holding his gun higher. I assume by everyone’s reaction that they know it is real. My stomach churns. He is really bad news.
Another guy walks over and punches Anand in the gut. “What is wrong with you? Don’t do that again. You know how easily I coulda shot you back? You’d be dead now if I’d taken a second less to react, you stupid prick.”
Not exactly the reassurance I was looking for. I step inside and sift through the crowd. Where is Melissa? If Anand is here, being his usual self, an ass, where could she be? I keep walking around, seeing mostly men and only a few women. I don’t like the ratio.
Then I spot her in the kitchen. A dilapidated room, the flooring is torn up in several places and the counters are smashed and ugly. She stands there with her head bent down, looking almost sad. I start to reach for her when someone grabs my shoulder, wrenching it backwards. I turn around.
“Hey, I know you.”
Melissa turns at hearing the voice and her still widening eyes meet mine as she realizes I’m there. She immediately steps forward, nearly interfering between Anand and me.
“What’s he doing here, Melissa? Gonna try and get me to—” Anand begins to grumble.
“Nothing.” She doesn’t turn back to me again but rivets her gaze on the behemoth, blond man. His barrel–width chest is probably double the size of mine. I stand tall enough, but I’m not nearly endowed with the brute force necessary to take him down. She puts her hand up on his chest and instead of pushing him away, like I hope and expect, she keeps it there.
“Ignore him. He likes to play nursemaid for my dad. That’s all,” she replies.
“Can’t have people like him just wandering in, Melissa. Things could go wrong. For him.”
She nods with a flirty, flaky, fake laugh that makes my teeth gnash.
“I know. Just ignore him. Go, Seth.”
She says it louder, without offering me the courtesy of a glance. “Go home, now. Oh yeah, and you can tell my dad I won’t be home tonight.”
Then Anand pulls out a smaller but just as lethal black pistol and aims it at me. “Yeah, Seth, go home now and tell Daddy, and you better never trespass on my property again. Got me?”
Melissa glances up at his hand. Her mouth is a giant O of horror that reaches her eyes. “Um, Anand? Forget it, it’s not worth it. I told you, he’s just my dad’s errand boy.” She stares at me, cold–eyed. “Go. Now, Seth. I don’t want you here. Ever. Or to see you again. NOW GO!”
The gun is pointed at my chest but I am frozen. I’ve never had a gun barrel pointed at me by a huge, menacing, drug–dealing biker. One glance at his face and I know the gun is loaded. I nod and start to slide past him, holding my hands up. Then I do something completely stupid. I stop dead in my tracks, and pull on Melissa’s arm. “Not without you.”
Anand keeps me in his sights. Such a fair fighter. I grit my teeth, staying calm and cool, pretending Anand is only a sheer climbing wall that I’m facing. I know I have to take it one second at a time. I don’t give Anand another glance, but keep my gaze steadily on Melissa. “I’m not leaving you here.”
Her eyes fasten on mine. She, too, is frozen and rooted to the ground. I see the fear in her huge eyes. She is acting with Anand, but not with me. I offer her my hand, palm up. My heart beats triple its normal rhythm and my pulse races. My breathing is becoming irregular. I am so nervous—no, I’m truly scared, and my hands are sweating. I’m taking a huge gamble. He’s just a big, blustering showoff who likes to wave his guns around in order to compensate for his small dick. That is my best assessment of him.
Her gaze flits from me to the gun to Anand’s face.
“Missy,” I say softly, “I’m not leaving you here, so take my hand. Please.”
