But she isn’t me. She is a character in fiction. And like all such characters she makes her way through the real world which her author invents for her. She tells the truth as she sees it, but may not always be right.
A reader could think that, since Clare is my character, I can make all sorts of things happen to her that I can’t make happen to myself. This is slightly true, but not entirely. Clare like any other character has become her own person, and there is an invincible integrity in that. She knows where honesty lies in her own life. And it is not quite as it does in mine. In my world I can choose to behave honestly or not, but I cannot fudge what life does to me. I can’t become prettier or richer or a more successful writer or have more lovers simply by willing it. In theory I could do these things for Clare; write her a lovely lover, why not. Send her off happily ever after. But only if it is not betraying the truths of her life and character as I have imagined them.
The first piece in the book is about me. The rest of the novel is about Clare.
Marion Halligan
the lineaments of gratified desire
CLARE WAS WRITING A STORY about an elderly woman, an old woman, really, in her seventies, whose slightly younger neighbour visited her four times a day and made love to her. She thought of saying fucked her, but it wasn’t really one of her words. Bonked was a bit jokey, and having sex . . . well, that might be better.
She got the idea for this story from Kirsten, who liked to stand leaning just inside the doorway of Geoffrey’s room, telling dirty stories. Clare didn’t like the word dirty, the grubbiness of it. Kirsten’s stories were sexy, they uncovered and manipulated the funny points of sex, made you laugh, made you squirm. Like the one about the two friends, women, drinking tea; one looks out the window and sees the other’s husband coming up the path with a gorgeous bunch of flowers. Aren’t you lucky, she says. The other groans. You know what this means. This means I’ll be on my back with my legs in the air all night. Why, says the friend, haven’t you got a vase?
This joke makes Clare squirm. She can feel those prickly flower stems poking into her own vagina, how dry and scratchy they would be. But she laughs, the gruesomeness only makes you laugh more.
You can hear the pause when you tell women this joke, says Kirsten, there’s this sharp intake of breath, and then they laugh. She sits on the bed and pats Geoffrey’s knee on the punch-line, very delicately, the idea of a pat, more than an actual touch.
There are buzzers outside, insistent nagging bells, and eventually Kirsten drags herself away. It’s after that she comes back and tells them about the old lady. A mild problem of incontinence that she wants dealt with so she can get back to her neighbour popping in and pleasuring her four times a day. When Clare walks down the corridor she shiftily stares at all the old women she can see, wondering which she might be. Of course there’s no telling. And Kirsten is discreet in her way, she will describe the condition but not the person.
Kirsten makes it her business to collect sexy jokes. She’s a ski instructor as well as a nurse, working alternate seasons. She loves telling her stories, does it well, the right speed, and pauses, the deadpan tone highlighting the punch-lines. They keep Geoffrey well entertained as he lies dozily waiting for the chemotherapy drugs to feed into his arm. Kirsten isn’t actually supervising this, that’s another nurse who continually comes in and stands and watches that the flow is right, brings hot packs, cold packs, to relieve the stinging of the drip as it goes in. You have to pay constant attention to chemo doses. And since it is highly toxic and burns, you dress in layers of proofed clothing, two pairs of gloves, goggles.
I see, you’re the floor show, says Geoffrey to Kirsten. He collects some jokes in return from their son, who has a good memory for them. One of the enormous whole lifetime of things that Clare and Geoffrey have in common is an inability to remember jokes. Whereas for Kirsten it is a third profession. She’s off to Aspen for the ski season in a little while. It will be duller in the ward without her; plenty of affection and kindness, but not this saucy fun.
When she drags herself off to do some work, which she seems to do so much less of than talking, but maybe that’s what patients like Geoffrey are seen to need, he dozes a little, the chemo slowly dripping its death-defying poison into his veins. Clare reads, a Ruth Rendell novel, you need something gripping in these circumstances, the kind of book that demands to have been read rather than to be being read. Nothing contemplative or you will get switched on to contemplating the wrong thing. Sometimes Geoffrey opens his eyes and she smiles at him. He strokes the back of her hand with his soft fingers. She loves his arms, the neat flatness of his wrists, the way his watch wraps round, his hands that are so delicate in their touching. She fell in love with him in one moment, when they were going dancing and he stopped the car outside the hotel and instead of getting out turned to her and took her face in these hands and covered it with tiny kisses, hundreds of them, his lips faintly brushing her face, so that her heart tumbled and fell and she was in love. He’d kissed her before, urgently, sexily, and filled her with desire, and desire there was in these kisses, but a desire of infinite patience, of time to discover and to know love. Kissing was all he could do now, his lips as soft and sweet as ever, so sweet, but not kissing for long, he didn’t have enough breath, and his body was too frail and close to pain for anything but the lightest momentary touch.
Four times a day, eh, he said. Remember when we made love five times a night.
She did. She does. This is how they live their life these days. Now that it is halted in this place of his illness. Clare believes that once you have done a thing you are doing it forever. They are still those young people, in their twenties, beautiful (she didn’t think so at the time but photographs show it) and full of health, making love, dozing, waking up and doing it again, so that the next day her fanny felt like a crushed pulpy flower exulting in its own tenderness. Her fanny remembers.
Five times a night. He repeated the words a few days later when they were having drinks with friends. Clare was amazed. Geoffrey was normally the most private and shy man, he never said anything about his own gifts or prowess, never boasted. It was as though now he knew he was dying he wanted it on some small record.
And not just one or two nights either, he said. A great many, often. In those days.
Once you have done a thing you are doing it forever. And one day not too far away it will be his death, and she will be living it on her own for the rest of her life.
Geoffrey dozes again, and Clare lets her arm rest against his leg, no pressure, and thinks of the old lady and all that surely rather greedy sex when she more than twenty years younger has none. She doesn’t think this out of resentment or envy, but as a curious fact. Geoffrey has not been well enough for a while now. That dizzy erotic pulpy haze is a long time ago, so are the games and familiar bliss of married habit. Their love is in their eyes, in gentle touches of the hand, in words spoken in soft lilted voices that caress the skin of the mind as surely as the body. And in worry and short snaps of anger. There are moments when each thinks the other would be a better person just by taking a little notice. Quickly over, these, they both realise it isn’t likely to happen, now.
But sex, as such, no. Clare has put it behind her. Is happy to be celibate, though that’s hardly the word for so consuming a relationship as hers with Geoffrey. Feels no itches, no urges, no aches in the loins or longings in the fanny. Is contemptuous of those who do. Men her age who suddenly discover they’re gay. That’s not a problem, they should just control their feelings and not wreck the lives of all those around them. Is scornful of middle-aged people who run away from old marriages with young lovers. Quotes Hamlet telling his mother Gertrude, who since he’s thirty must be over forty at least, that at her age the heyday in the blood is cold. Clare makes her garden and thinks of her new novel which has a scene with a fat girl sitting on top of her lover and energetically bonking him. Erotic writing, her own not other people’s, is the only thing whic
h is much of a turn-on these days. And this will be comical as well, when she manages to sit at a piece of paper and write.
When Clare becomes aware that she has this story forming out of Kirsten’s gossip she’s pleased, stories fit better into disordered lives. She hasn’t written much lately. Too busy. Not so much washing, ironing, cooking meals. It’s that Geoffrey wants her to stay with him, keep him company. The four-times-a-day mysterious woman in her story isn’t the main character, that’s someone else, called Vivian, a widow, leading now a tranquil solitary life. Growing flowers in terracotta pots. There’s a nail punch, from Clare’s own youth, this woman’s wooden floors need a bit of work, there are nails sticking out. She has to do it herself, not having a husband. Since she’s got this widow character Clare won’t be able to show the story to Geoffrey. She knows that the woman has to be a widow because of the story, nothing to do with Clare herself, but Geoffrey can’t be expected to see that. The widow meets Rennie, the amorous one, who is worried about her satin bedspread, under all this pleasuring. Not much done with the sex, it’s there, as a fact, not particularly erotic, readers will have to take it into account and set it into their own view of life. Clare writes sex so that other people slot their experience into her words, she’s not a lot into fluids and members and panting and heat and sticky exchanges, prefers to let her readers use their imaginations. One person’s ecstasy may be another’s comedy.
When the chemotherapy is finished and everything is unplugged, the bed lowered so Geoffrey can slide from it into the chair, she drives them home along the winding road by the lake. They’ve been watching it through the seasons. Now it’s late spring, the willows frilled pale green, the poplars darkening, the grass just beginning to yellow after the rains. The sky is high and faintly clouded, you could imagine it waiting for someone to paint in some cherubs, except that the scale is wrong in this wide hill-scalloped landscape. There will be a Manchurian pear in the story. The husband will have described its colour in autumn as vermilion, and his wife will remember that, it will be important. The dead husband isn’t Geoffrey, vermilion isn’t particularly a Geoffrey word.
She takes him home, and settles him in bed, then goes out shopping. Miriam and David are coming for a drink tonight. They come most weeks, David ringing up and making the engagement, he having more time, being retired, while Miriam is still working. She’ll be a bit weary so Clare will get some nice things to eat. The woman in the fish shop says the oysters are from their farm at Bateman’s Bay and will be freshly opened, so she buys several dozen and some prawns.
Geoffrey feels good on the day he has chemo. The day after he is exhausted, and the day after that very tired, but the first day is okay. They sit around the long table in the kitchen, drinking white wine out of tall oval glasses and talking. So much to say, so many conversations to have, with friends of so ancient a date. When their children were small, and David, dark and lean and fierce, was beginning his career in the law, the first time they met was at a function, a dinner dance, the men their wives’ partners, their wives who were colleagues, Clare part-time because she wanted to be a writer, but didn’t like to say so, so many people wanted to be a writer and nobody thought you’d be successful.
I didn’t think David would be at all like that, said Clare the next day. A stupid remark, immediately realised.
Oh? What did you think he’d be like?
Clare couldn’t think of an answer that wasn’t rude. Maybe that he would be more serious, more grave, less lean, capering, mischievous, more handsome? She remembers still the embarrassment with which she cast round for an answer. But not quite what the answer was. Fatter? Browner? Older? As time passed David grew stouter and greyer, and his ambition which was maybe what she perceived in his fierceness all those years ago carried him cork-screwing upwards through his profession. He was impatient, rude sometimes, bossy. But now he had slowed down and was sweet-natured, you could feel his affection.
They all knew that David fancied Clare. In the old days he’d put his hand on her leg under the dining table, pinch her nipples in the kitchen. When she thought of him she thought of a small wriggling movement she made to get out of his hands, a sort of undulation that removed her from his touch and yet was a kind of game, too. They always kissed at meeting, and he’d put his hand on her ribs where her breasts curved. It was only ever a moment. It was her breasts he liked, because they were big. Geoffrey and David had conversations about how they liked tarty women. Clare thought both would have liked their wives to be more tarty than they were, now. But it seemed a bit late. Looking back at photographs when they’d had small waists and long legs (perhaps not so long, but good, shapely, with fine-cut ankles) under the tiny skirts that this day’s vulgar young call pussy pelmets, skirts which had shocked their mothers because they’d had babies as well, small children, and where was the comfort for a small toddling child in a bare leg, or worse, a fish-net tight? . . . Looking back at the photographs . . . well, what could you say, it was another country and the wenches have grown plump and comfortable and the well-cut short and paler versions of their tumbling titian curls and dark Cleopatra fall are now, they suppose though they have never let themselves find out, a stiff and sombre grey, and love has grown plump and comfortable too.
Oh love is handsome and love is kind
And love’s a jewel while ‘tis new
And when ‘tis old, the song is wrong, it doesn’t grow cold, it grows cosy, it grows plump and comfortable and still kind. Kinder, perhaps.
Or perhaps the wenches aren’t grown fat, but dead. Dead as a photograph of a dead Diana, dead as the young Audrey Hepburn, the luscious Marilyn. Not forgotten, but never to be flesh again. A number of seven-year renewing cycles have passed since then. And maybe Clare remembers better what Miriam was like all those years ago than she can recall herself.
Geoffrey turned the wine in his glass, it was a Tyrrell’s, semillon, called riesling when it was made, old and pale, grown strong and rich in a quite austere way. He had always loved wine, and could still drink it, not a lot, but he tasted it thoroughly, and ate some of the oysters whose cool puckery flavour made the wine zing in the mouth. David and Geoffrey had a conversation about Latin gerundives, but Clare didn’t really listen.
Another time David and Miriam brought a jar of salmon caviar, quite a lot, and they had it on black bread with ricotta. The fat little juicy globes burst their brilliant vermilion in their mouths, and that evening they drank champagne, a pleasant quite good Australian bubbly, and recalled the night when Miriam and David had got naturalised and they had a party with a great quantity of French champagne, and David kept coming past with a bottle in each hand saying, Drink that up this one is different, so she’d finish what was in her glass and he’d pour another. She must have got very drunk; she felt wonderful but suddenly on the way home she had to ask Geoffrey to stop the car and she leaned out and vomited by the side of the road, somewhere in the middle of the wolf-haunted pine forest.
She remembered what she’d been wearing, green snake-skin sandals with a high wedge heel and strap, such as might have been worn by a woman of a different generation to seduce an overpaid oversexed overhere Yank, and a strange short shifty dress of some gleaming grey fabric (bought very cheap) that dropped over her breasts into a slight swishing A-line.
No you weren’t, said David, you were wearing a red dress, tight and short, with straps.
No I wasn’t, I never had such a dress, I couldn’t have been.
Yes you did. You must have. I remember it so well.
So perhaps she had. David was so sure. There was a red sundress once, tight and short and straight, leaving you nowhere to be except upright and breathing in; would she have worn that to the party? And it must have been another party when she was sitting on the floor and David put his arm friendlily around her and suddenly with a quick little flick of his fingers her bra was undone. That was definitely the grey dress. How did you do that, she hissed. She had to cross her arms over her chest
and go to the bathroom to do it up.
But not for some years had his nimble fingers inscribed their little murmurs of lust on her body, in this impudent and reproved game of sex played with desire but no expectations, not for some years had she hissed and wriggled out of his tricky embraces. She supposed he didn’t think it appropriate, under the circumstances.
How is Quentin, Clare asked Miriam.
Don’t get her started, said David, it’ll be the photos next, and before you can blink she’ll have you watching the full-screen movie.
You know perfectly well we don’t own a video camera, said Miriam with her placidity that like a bowl of cream caught and drowned David’s buzzes of irritation.
Words, pictures, doesn’t make much difference.
Quentin was a gorgeous boy, two years old, with corn-coloured fuzzy hair and violet eyes. It’s funny, said Geoffrey (for Miriam did have photographs), that a child can look so like his grandfather and yet be so handsome. For the beautiful child was the image of David, as well as quite like his granny as well.
Clare and Geoffrey don’t have grandchildren. Not yet. But Geoffrey never will have, now.
Geoffrey was saved from pain by morphine. It wasn’t a high dose, but constant. You have to have enough for it to rise above the pain, said the doctor, to rise higher than it and then fall back down and completely quell it. Clare thought that this must be a metaphor, and could you trust a figure of speech in so urgent a context? Except that it seemed to work. Such a dose would cause addiction problems to you or me, said the doctor, but since he is using it all up to deal with the pain it isn’t addictive. If the pain went away tomorrow he could stop tomorrow, instantly, no problem.
The Fog Garden Page 2
