“Folk dancing,” I mutter reluctantly. “I know where you’re going with this, by the way.”
“Of course you do,” she cries gleefully. “I thought talking you into having the first retreat on the weekend of the spring equinox was difficult. Ha! I had to force you to agree to holding the ceremony at the labyrinth, and you’re still worried about it, aren’t you?”
“No, I’m not. It just seems like more trouble than it’s worth.”
“When it turns out to be the most memorable part of the whole weekend, I’m going to gloat and rub it in.”
“So unlike the Dory I know and love,” I say dryly.
“You’re being your usual uptight, obsessive self, but I’m thrilled. The women lucky enough to attend this retreat will have a unique way of acknowledging the end of an old life and the rebirth of a new one.” Her face lights up as she prattles on and on about the symbolism of the spring equinox as a traditional time of passage from darkness and cold to warmth and light. When she says she cannot wait to share the legend with the women before the ceremony, I stop what I’m doing.
“That story is limited to your orientation talk on Friday afternoon, Dory,” I say sternly. “The ceremony’s intended as a serious ritual, and I don’t want to hear all that crap about the goddess and frozen birds and stuff, you hear me?”
While reading up on the equinox, Dory found a legend about Eostre and the equinox, and asked me if she could share it with the retreat participants in her welcoming remarks as head of the White Rings. Of course, I told her; I wasn’t about to dictate what she could or couldn’t say in her remarks. Eostre was an ancient Saxon goddess whose life was saved by a bird, of all things. The bird’s wings had been frozen in winter only to thaw on the vernal equinox, one of the two days of the year when the length of night and day are equal. The wings thawed just in the nick of time for the bird to swoop down and rescue the goddess, naturally. The problem was, Dory was fuzzy about details, and I wasn’t sure what Eostre was rescued from. I wouldn’t put it past her to embellish the story so it would end up being an evil tyrant of a husband. Now Dory has gotten Zoe Catherine fascinated with the legend, and Zoe’s been going through her books trying to find out what kind of bird it was. I’d harbored a hope that Zoe might help out with the retreats, thinking it’d be good for her, but she pooh-poohed the idea, insisting she’ll be hiding in her cabin until the last participant leaves. Hand it to Dory; her equinox story has been the first time Zoe has shown much interest in what will be going on right across from her.
The way Dory keeps watching me, I can tell something’s up, so I put down my pen to eye her warily. “Okay, Isadora. You can’t fool your oldest and dearest. Whatever it is you’re trying to get up the nerve to ask me, the answer is no.”
“I knew that was what you’d say, so I’ve waited until two days before the retreat to ask. I’ve had dozens of e-mails from former participants who weren’t ready for the Asunder Ceremony last time we had a retreat. Now they’re begging to come to the ceremony. They need to. On behalf of the White Rings, I’d like to respectfully ask that you allow them to attend.”
I argue; Dory pleads; then we compromise. It’s unmanageable, I tell her: We aren’t prepared for a large turnout should we have one. At last I agree to include a select few from previous retreats. Spurred on, Dory keeps at it until I hear myself agreeing to an even bolder proposal. A couple of times a year, we’ll have an expanded ceremony at the labyrinth and allow the return of former participants who hadn’t been ready before. But not necessarily, I warn her, on a day of the equinox or solstice.
Breathless with victory, Dory jumps to her feet, leans over my desk, and throws both arms around my neck, kissing my cheek. “See how much more agreeable you are now that you’re getting some?”
My face flames as I sputter, “Dory! Where did you get such a ridiculous idea?”
“Oh, bull. I can tell by looking at you. Abstinence made you tense and uptight and grumpy. For the past couple of days, you’ve been loose and congenial and agreeable. Not to mention how great you look, with your face all aglow.”
“If getting laid was all it took to make your face glow, you’d put Alabama Power out of business,” I retort.
Oblivious, Dory tilts her head to the side, her cat eyes dreamy. “I wasn’t sure who’d get into your bed first, Lex or Rye. But I was putting my money on Lex, he’s so take-charge and masterful. I figured if Rye was such a wimp that he’d let you put him off all these years, then he didn’t deserve any. For a while it looked like Lex was going to lose out, though, letting that ex of his jerk him around. About a week ago, I thought for sure Rye would make it to the finish line first. I was buying some garden supplies, and I happened to see Rye coming out of the Ralph Lauren store with a big package. I pulled over to ask him what he’d bought, and he had a two-hundred-dollar set of sheets! On the way home, I stopped by the marina to warn Lex that he’d better get off his ass before Rye got home with those sheets.”
“Dory, you didn’t!” Horrified, I raise my hands to my burning cheeks.
“Did, too. I’ve known all along how Lex felt about you. At my anniversary party last fall? I watched his face while you and Rye were dancing, looking like you were about to do it right there on the dance floor.”
“Oh, pooh. Rye and I have always danced like that.”
“No doubt the passion of the dance could’ve carried over elsewhere, if you’d let it,” she continues with the same dreamy look. “Rye’s loss is Lex’s gain, though I do feel really bad for Rye. That night I felt worse for Lex, who was claiming to be mad at you yet unable to stop looking at you. Elinor saw it, too. Got so pissed that she grabbed him and left, remember?”
“I didn’t miss her,” I say. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have work to do.”
“When I went by the marina last week, I told Lex that he had to decide between you and Elinor, or Rye would be putting those fancy sheets of his to use. Probably that very night, the way things were going with the two of you at the time. It’s good that something led me to talk to Lex. At first he was scowling like a thundercloud, but finally he asked me if the rumors were true about you and Rye having an affair. I told him that you never confided in me, but if they weren’t true, it was only a matter of time. A few days later, he told Elinor to go to hell, then he came over to your house on a dark and stormy night, didn’t he? Jesus, that’s so romantic!”
“Who told you about that night?” I certainly didn’t, for obvious reasons.
Dory smiles mysteriously. “I have my sources. Plus, the next morning I rode by your house to make sure his Jeep was still in the same spot.”
I stare at her, aghast. “You’re not only a matchmaker, you’re a voyeur. Get out of here and leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m busy?”
Laughing, Dory prisses out the door, giving me a little wave before leaving. With a sigh, I’ve gone back to my paperwork when she opens the door again and sticks her head in. “Hey—maybe you and Lex can have a double wedding with Zoe and Cooter.”
“Zoe has told Cooter a million times she’s not getting married, and I have no intention of doing so, either.”
“Of marrying Cooter? God, I hope not. Doubt Zoe would appreciate it.”
“Very funny. You know what I mean.”
Leaning against the door, Dory studies me for a long moment, her eyes soft. “Oh, honey. You’ve taken the first step, and I couldn’t be more pleased. But you still have a long way to go, don’t you?”
“Oh, God, what now?” I groan.
“How long will it be before you let go of Mack?”
Flustered, I drop my pen and, grabbing for it, scatter the stack of papers I’m working on. Once I’ve rearranged everything, I look at Dory in exasperation. “That’s insane! I let go of Mack years ago. Not that I had a choice, since he let go of me first, wouldn’t you say?”
She shakes her head with a sad smile. “No, I wouldn’t. Because the way I see it, you still belong to Mack. You’re as married to
him now as you ever were. And that suits you fine, doesn’t it?”
“Would you like to sit behind this desk, Madame Freud?” I snap peevishly.
“Mack did quite a number on you, didn’t he, Clare? Like he always said he’d do, he saw to it that you couldn’t love again. Leaving you the way he did, he made sure you’d never be able to tell him goodbye.”
I close my eyes wearily, but Dory slams the door and is gone before I can come up with a good retort.
The day of the retreat dawns gray and ominously dreary, and I moan when I open my eyes. Rolling over to look out the window next to my bed, I send up a whispered prayer: “Please, Lord. If you could hold off the rain for a few days, I’ll owe you one, though I don’t have any business asking you anything.”
Since I don’t expect an answer, I jump to hear a deep voice, “You can say that again.” Turning my head, I say, “You scared me to death. I thought the Lord God Almighty was speaking.”
Lex grunts lazily and opens one eye to peer at me. “Sounds right to me.”
His arm lays heavily on my waist, and I snuggle under his shoulder. “I’m not used to having anyone answer me when I talk to myself.”
With a chuckle, he says, “Thought you were talking to the Lord.”
“I was, but since I’ve been living alone, I’ve taken to talking to myself, too. Don’t tell anybody, though,” I add, putting a finger over his lips.
Eyes closed, he nibbles my fingers. “Let’s sleep all morning.”
“Can’t. You’ve already disrupted my routine. Ordinarily I’d have been up for several minutes by now.” But I close my eyes, too, unwilling to move. It’s easy to leap from a cold and lonely bed you occupy alone, and much harder to leave a warm, cozy shared one.
“You don’t have to go to the Landing till later,” Lex reminds me, his voice muffled by his pillow. “And my dockmaster’s running the marina. Another hour, then I’ll make you a Yankee breakfast.”
“You promise not to let me sleep longer than an hour?”
“Promise.”
“You’re on.”
True to his word, an hour later, I awake to feel Lex nuzzling the back of my neck, his leg thrown over mine. In sleep we ended up spoon-style, with me curved snugly against him. Opening an eye, I say, “Cheater. That’s not keeping your promise.”
“You’ve obviously never had a Yankee breakfast,” he murmurs, and I laugh.
“Get off me. I knew when I let you stay last night, I was asking for trouble.”
“Can’t believe you haven’t kicked me out yet. You had my ass out of here before dawn yesterday.” With his hands gripping my shoulders, he presses his mouth up and down my spine, and I shiver deliciously, hugging my pillow.
“Not soon enough. Dory saw your Jeep here,” I tell him.
“I owe Dory. She came by the marina and made me see I was about to lose you if I didn’t let go of my pride and tell you how I felt about you. Even worse, I was going to end up with Elinor.”
“Mmm. Oh, God, that feels so good. Shut up so you can keep doing what you’re doing. Elinor’s loss, is all I can say. Dory’s, too. My theory is, she wishes she could be where I am right now.”
Lex lays his forehead against my back to laugh his marvelous laugh. “Honey, I may be a stud muffin, but don’t think I could handle you and Dory both.”
I laugh, too, then say, “If I survive the retreat, which is not looking good, we’ve got to talk, okay? Next week, maybe. I’ll find a time.”
Lex falls back on his pillow, releasing me, and I sigh in disappointment. I’m still clutching my pillow tight, eyes closed and gluey with sleep. “You’ll never find that spot again,” I complain.
“If I don’t, it won’t be for a lack of trying.”
“Is that a promise?”
“Let’s resume the search on Sunday, as soon as the retreat’s over,” he says lazily. “But first, I’ll make us some crab cakes like I did that time last fall. Have them waiting when you get home. Sound good?”
“You’re well on your way to spoiling me. I need to get up and get going but can’t seem to wake up. It’s your fault. If you could patent whatever you were doing to my back, you’d retire an extremely wealthy man.”
“I’ll do anything if we don’t have to have that damned talk of yours.”
“Lex!” That wakes me up. With an exasperated sigh, I turn over and raise up on my elbow to look over at him. “What is it with you men and talking?”
“It’s because of the stuff women want to talk about. Regular women are bad enough, but a woman therapist is a double whammy.”
It’s impossible to maintain a stern frown, no matter how hard I try. “I have a feeling you’re going to drive me crazy before this is over.”
He looks at me in alarm. “I don’t like that kind of talk.”
“Jesus!” I laugh, giving his arm a playful shake. “You don’t like any kind of talk.”
“Let’s never say a word to each other again, okay?”
I study him curiously, drawing circles with my fingertips on his bare chest. “Just what is it that you’re so afraid to talk about?”
He thinks about it, then says, “Everything.”
“Besides that?”
With a heavy sigh, he looks up at the ceiling, then puts his hands behind his head. “Last time we had one of your little talks, you threw me over, gave me all that bullshit about just wanting to be friends.”
Laying a hand on his chest, I wait until his eyes meet mine to say, “Come on, Lex. We’ve been in bed together for the last two nights. Seems to me we’ve gone way beyond friendship. That’s what I wanted to talk about, actually. I’d love it if you’d move in here.” When he opens his mouth, I put my fingers to his lips. “Don’t say anything now, but think about it, okay?”
When he averts his eyes from mine, staring at the ceiling again, I pull my hand away. After a long silence, Lex says, “I don’t have to think about it. I don’t like being here.”
Indignant, I say, “Oh, really? Sure had me fooled.”
“We need to get a place of our own. Here, I’m in Mack’s bed, with Mack’s wife. It feels like you’re cheating on him with me.”
I stare at him in astonishment. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” Even as I say it, though, I hear an echo of Rye’s words, the night I felt so lost and lonely that I called him late, in the dark.
When Lex won’t look at me, I realize that he’s perfectly serious. As he told me once, I’d know when he was. “Okay, I know what you’re saying,” I say with a sigh. “But I’m not trying to make you into a replacement for him, I swear. Mack’s gone, and he’s not coming back. He’s not out of town on a business trip, and he’s not my ex who’s liable to show up one day. It’s true, this is the room, and the bed, that I shared with him. But I’ve put away all his stuff, so it’s not as if there are pictures of him everywhere, staring at us together. I’m not Mack’s wife, and I haven’t been for a long time. You’re just being paranoid.”
“Then why do I feel like he’s in the house with us?”
“I don’t know. But that’s something you have to work out. It’s your imagination, not mine. It’s taken me a while, I’ll admit, but I’ve finally let go of Mack.”
“You may be able to figure everybody else out, Doctor Lady, but you sure don’t know much about yourself, do you?” Lex says with a laugh.
With an abrupt movement, I sling my legs over the side of the bed and throw on my robe. “I’ve got to get going,” I say curtly, my face burning. “We can discuss this another time.”
I glance his way, and he searches my face before saying in a quiet voice, “I’m not looking for a brief fling, Clare. Or a fling of any kind. They’re not hard to come by these days, if that’s all I wanted. I’m a damn dope, I know, but I’ve fallen in love with you. Wish I hadn’t, but there it is. If I’m wasting my time, you need to tell me, and I’m out of here.”
Turning my back to him, I rub my face wearily. “Oh G
od, don’t do this. It’s taken me so long to get this far. Please don’t ask more of me than I can give you at this point.”
He pushes out of the bed and heads to the bathroom without looking back. In exasperation, I flop back on my pillows, flinging my arms out. When Lex comes out of the bathroom, he’s dressed and buttoning his shirt, glowering at me.
“So this is the way it’s going to be,” I say, my voice cold and hard as a stone. “Because I’m not ready to give you what you’re demanding, you’re going to throw it all away. Well, fine, then. Fine! But don’t you dare blame it on me. It’s your choice, not mine.”
“You strung Rye along for years,” he says harshly. “But I’m not him. Yeah, I teased you about him, but the truth is, I felt sorry for the poor bastard. Know why? I let Elinor do the same to me. It kills something in you, and I’m not about to do it again.”
“No one’s asking you to!” I shout. “But you’re demanding that I give you something that I’m not ready to—”
Lex stops me in midsentence by crossing the room, grabbing my shoulders roughly, and pulling me up from the bed, then kissing me, hard. When I can get my breath, I stare at him, wide-eyed. “Damn, Rhett Butler. Sweep a girl off her feet, why don’t you?”
“Surprised you, didn’t I? And I sure as hell shut your mouth. Bet pretty boy never did anything like that.”
My arms around his neck, I say into his ear, “I take it back. You’re already driving me crazy.”
He pulls away from me, runs his hand through his hair, and snaps his Red Sox cap on. “I may not have all your degrees, Clare, but here’s one thing I know. You’re clinging to Mack, and this house he fixed up for you, because you’re scared to let go of him. You’d never admit it, but you’re scared shitless to fall in love again.”
“Oh, bull. You don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. Know-it-all,” I retort.
“Is that right? Well, you have a chance to find out. You’re about to go to a hotshot recovery retreat, so why don’t you practice what you preach? You can tell everybody else how to heal their broken hearts, but you haven’t done much for your own, have you?” Standing with his hands on his hips, Lex stares down at me before turning to go. He pauses when he opens the door, and looks over his shoulder. “Call me when the retreat’s over. If you pay any attention to what’s going on around you, maybe you can figure out what you want. When you do, let me know.”
Queen of Broken Hearts Page 39
