The Bible, the Old Testament

by Spike Milligan

  36. A Levi sayeth unto his father, “I have not seen him.”

  “Seen who?” sayeth his father.

  “I don’t know,” said Levi, “all I know, whoever it is I have not seen him.” Neither did he acknowledge his brethren, nor knew his own children. The doctors diagnosed amnesia. “Bless the Lord and his substance, which I think is Polyfilla, smite the loins of them against thee, which usually cripples ‘em, praise the Lord. His glory is like the firsting of his bullocks. He shall push the people together to the ends of the earth.”

  “They’ll fall off,” said the Israelites.

  Moses said, “And of Benjamin, the Lord shall cover him all day, and he shall dwell between his shoulders.”

  So Benjamin got between his shoulders and lived.

  37. “For the righteousness, they shall suck an abun dance of the sea, and treasures hid in the sand, like lug worms.” Of Gad he said: “He dwelleth like a lion, and teareth the arm with the crown of his head.”

  “He must be deformed,” said the Israelites.

  And of Dan, he said, “He’s a lion’s whelp: he shall leap from Mount Bashan.”

  “The fall will kill him,” said the children of Israel.

  Moses still went on: “Of Naphtali: possess thou the west and the south, thus avoiding the awful Northern Line.”

  38. And of Asher: “Let him be acceptable to his brethren, let him dip his foot in oil, using 3 in One.”

  “That’s no good,” cried the children of Israel, “we need a rig!”

  Moses said, “Children of Israel, thy shoes will be iron and brass.”

  The children of Israel beat their chests and shouted, “It’s time you retired.”

  Moses didn’t retire, instead he said, “Israel shall dwell in a land of corn and wine.”

  “What happened to the milk and honey?” said the Israelites.

  “It’s crop rotation,” said Moses.

  39. And Moses went up the mountain and the Lord showed him all the land of Gilead, unto Dan, all Naphtali, all Catford and Lewisham. “This is the land which I swore unto Abraham.”

  “It’s enough to make anyone swear,” said Moses; then he died.

  He was a hundred and twenty when he died. His eye was not dim, nor his natural force abated, but the drink finally got him. He was buried in the land of Moab, leaving many unpaid bills and maintenance orders.

  CHAPTER VIII

  The new wonder boy was Joshua, he would plague the Israelites like Moses had, and prepareth to cross the Jordan. Joshua sent two men out of Shittim to spy out the land and house prices. And the two men lodged in the house of a harlot named Rahab; after a week they were still there, all the spying they did was through key holes. The king of Jericho came unto Rahab.

  “Same again?” she said.

  The king was wrath as he hadn’t got time. “Bring forth the spies that have come unto ye.”

  But Rahab couldn’t lose such good customers and lieth; “They have fled.” Rahab had hidden them in the rafters among the pigeons; they were covered in it. She let them down on a rope from the window, but meeteth the king of Jericho coming the other way, and they runneth like fuck. And they cometh back to Joshua and tell him the land over there is good and they’re ready for a takeover. They said they’d already taken over Rahab.

  2. Joshua rose early in the morning and removed from Shittim and came to Jordan. The children of Israel lodged there, passed over or out. The officers went through the host as it was an all-ticket match. Joshua said, “Tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you.”

  “Can He do something about the rates?” said the children of Israel.

  Joshua said, “God without fail will drive out the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Catholics, the CofE and the Methodists. Now, take you twelve men out of the tribes of Israel.”

  “Who are we playing?” said the children of Israel.

  Joshua said to the priests, “Take up the ark and pass over before the people.”

  So they took up the ark and passed over before the people. It was simple, all they had to do was to take up the ark and pass over before the people.

  3. Joshua said to the priests that took the ark and passed over before the people, “When ye come to the River Jordan, ye shall stand still in it.”

  “But it’s bloody cold,” said the priests, who had taken up the ark and passed over the people.

  The Lord said: “When the ark reaches the Jordan the waters shall be cut off.”

  “You hear that,” said Mrs Cohen, “they’re going to cut the water off.”

  4. Like the Red Sea the Lord divided the water and the children of Israel, after passport control, passed through. At that time the Lord said unto Joshua, “Make the knives sharp and circumcise again the children of Israel the second.”

  From those who had been done once came a cry, “Not again.”

  So Joshua circumcised the children of Israel at the hill of the foreskins, now the holiday town of Eilat.

  5. Now Jericho City would not allow the children of Israel free passage. The Lord said unto Joshua, “I give into thine hand Jericho.”

  “Ta,” said Joshua.

  The Lord then spoke from the changing rooms at Lord’s Pavilion, “Take thou thy priests with rams’ horn trumpets and the children of Israel, circle the city of Jericho seven times, then blow thy trumpets and let the children of Israel give a great shout and Jericho will crumble.”

  So Joshua did so, on the seventh lap at midnight they blew the trumpets and shoutest, and, lo, the walls came down showing most of the citizens caught in flagrante delicto, except Rahab who was resting. And they burnt the city with fire [what else], all except Rahab’s house.

  6. Only the silver and gold, and the vessels of brass and iron, were put into the ‘treasury of the house of the Lord’ [said Joshua], which appeared to be on a sheet in his bathroom cupboard.

  The Lord spoke, “Cursed be he that rebuildeth Jericho.”

  A great groan went up from the Association of Israelite Builders. But the children of Israel committed a trespass in the accursed thing [dear reader, over to you].

  7. Now Joshua sent men to go to Ai, and they went up and saw the lights were still on in Rahab’s house. They said, “Send two or three thousand soldiers and smite Ai.”

  So Joshua sent up three thousand soldiers and the people of Ai smote them [beat the shit out of them]. Joshua rent his clothes before the Lord and fell to the earth upon his face, and put dust on his head: a one hundred per cent grovel.

  The Lord said, “Get up. Why liest thou upon thy face?”

  “It seemed the right thing to do at the time,” said Joshua.

  8. And when the children of Israel knew the Ai had beaten their army, the children of Israel rent their clothes; they also rented their furniture. “O Lord,” said Joshua, “what shall I say when the Israelites turn their back on their enemy?”

  “About turn,” said the Lord.

  Joshua said, “The Canaanites have cut off our name from the earth.”

  And the Lord said, “With aerosol spray you can redo it.” The Lord then spoke from a wool shed in Yatatonga. “There is an accursed thing in thy midst, thou art cursed until you find this accursed thing.”

  And they searched all night and, lo, they findeth the accursed thing; it was a pound of bacon. Joshua cursed Mrs Cohen, and with the priests they stoned the pound of bacon to death. Mrs Cohen wept bitterly. “It was a special offer,” she moaned.

  9. It came to pass, a boy Achan confessed that he had stolen from the prisoners a good Babylonish jacket, two hundred shekels of silver and a wedge of gold.

  Joshua was wrath. He took the stolen goods, laid them out on the back of his chariot and a good boot sale was had by all with Joshua five hundred pounds up on the day. Then he took Achan and gave him a jolly good stoning.

  10. Now the kings hereabout saw what Joshua did to the Ai. Verily, he beateth the shit out of them, some of the Insurance Companies refuseth to pay some of the claims, so spies we
re sent to check on the children of Israel’s army. Joshua saw them and said, “Who are ye?”

  They said, “Ahem, we are a band of strolling singers.” Joshua, he loveth music and bid the strolling singers to sing, so they singeth and Joshua had them stoned to death, but they escapeth unto the house of Rahab, which was a no-go area. It was known these men were spies from the king of Ai so Joshua led his army against the Ai and burnt it and made it an heap for ever, even a desolation unto this day and it is called Camden Town. And the king of Ai hanged on a tree ‘till eventide; then the body was taken down, thrown at the city gates, and raised thereon a great heap of stones, known to this day as East Finchley.

  11. And from the prisoners there were hewers of wood, drawers of water, fixers of plumbing, unblockers of WCs, launderers and ironers. But prisoners were wrath. “Among us there are princes and kings.”

  “Hard bloody luck,” said Joshua.

  12. And it came to pass, the men of Gibeon called to Joshua, “Help, we are being attacked by the Amorites.”

  Joshua rose up, not too nigh, just enough to walk; he arriveth at Gibeon, but God had already smote the Amonites hip and thigh [that’s where most of the injuries were] but, lo, the Lord sayeth, “Sun, stand still,” and it stood still. So there was extra time for Joshua to destroy the Amorites and go late shopping. Every now and then the Lord smote one or two with a hail of rocks. And there was no day like that before it or after it [eh?].

  13. Now it came to pass, Joshua and the children of Israel stopped slaying the enemy only because there were no more left, but five kings had been captured, and Joshua made them lie prostrate and Joshua walketh on their necks, a real crowd pleaser. For an encore he slew them. When the applause died down, he cast them into a cave and blocked it with rocks. And the Lord blessed him and his people.

  14. And afterwards Joshua read the words of the law the blessings and the cursing [bugger, damn, blast]. And that day Joshua took Makkedah, smote it with the edge of the sword; he utterly destroyed them. Next, it was Libnah’s turn, which was Israel 6 Libnah 1 [own goal]. Then Joshua destroyed Lachish, Israel 7 Lachish 1. He and the Israelites went on to destroy Eglon, Hebron, Debir; and everywhere the Israelites were victorious because, though it seemed a bit unfair, the Lord God fought for them and He had archangels on the substitute bench. So Joshua and the Israelites went on devastating the country; with God on their side they couldn’t lose.

  15. God egged him on: “Be not afraid because of them; I will deliver them up all slain, and burn their houses and chariots with fire; they will be oven-ready.”

  The Israelites went on to exterminate Jazer, Gilead, Amnion, Aroer, Heshbon, Betonim.

  Joshua said, “Lord, we’re getting tired.”

  The Lord said, “Verily, yes, exterminate the Rekenites and we’ll call it a day.” So the smiting and smoting was on again.

  16. Joshua called the tribes of Israel together to discuss Moses’ will and inheritance. The Levis got the mantelpiece clock, the Manasseh got the fish knives and forks, the Reubens got the ass, the Jacobs got the wardrobe. The Cohens got the three flying ducks and the barometer (slightly broken). And the Lord blessed them and their inheritances. He was interrupted by a cry of “What about the fur coats?” The meeting was closed and Joshua went off a-smiting and a-smoting. The Lord God went before him on a pillar of cloud now fitted with a periscope.

  17. Now Joshua was old and stricken in years; it was all shrivelled up. The Lord said, “Thou are old and stricken in years and it’s all shrivelled up.”

  “I’m all right with a zimmer,” said Joshua, and the Lord blessed his zimmer.

  The Lord said, “There is still land not distributed among the tribes; the surveyor is working on it now. The going price per acre with outline planning permission is a thousand shekels. Land is vacant from Aphek to the borders of the Amorites and Bradford and the Pakistanis who dwell in corner shops.”

  18. Unto the tribe of Levi Moses’ will left them nothing: the Lord God was their inheritance. And Mr Levi was heard to moan, “You can’t draw cheques on someone on a pillar of cloud.”

  Joshua said, “Forty years old was I when Moses PLC sent me to espy out the land; and I told him the land was going for a song, then and there he sang it. And Moses swore on that day – ‘bugger’ he said.” Joshua went on, “Behold, the Lord and steroids have kept me alive. I am as strong this day as I was in Moses’ day, thanks to a pacemaker.”

  19. The last of Moses’ will was that the children of Judah would own land from Ged even unto the border of Edom, who was renting the top bedroom and did it out the window. He was known as the Dir-tee-Barger.

  20. At that time Othniel, brother of Caleb, sons of Kenaz, gave his daughter Achsah, to wife. She came afar and she lighted off her ass; there was smoke everywhere. Caleb said, “What wouldst thou?”

  She said, “You can put this ass out.” So he sprayed the ass. “Now what?” he sayeth. She sayeth, “Give me springs of water.” He gave her the upper springs, and the nether springs; she falleth in.

  21. And now all Moses’ will had been read and final land division went to Shiorn; his land was from Aroer to a bank on the Jordan – a bank where he was heavily overdrawn. And Joshua swore that surely wherever thy feet have trodden shall be thy land. As he spoke all the children of Israel were walking the land in size fourteen boots. Joshua’s fee for this advice was twenty per cent of the selling price.

  22. It came to pass, a lot of children of Joseph fell from Jordan by Jericho, unto the water of Jericho. Lo, they goeth in dry and cometh out soaked. And the priests were wrath and sayeth, “This is Sunday, a holy day of obligation: no swimming allowed.”

  The children cried, “You want us to drown.”

  And the priest said, “Yes, drowning is allowed of a Sunday.”

  The Lord appeared in a pillar of cloud. It came to pass, the Lord gave peace to the Israelites, having exterminated every living tribe. Joshua waxed old and stricken with age, awaiting a hip operation, teeth and a wig. He called all the elders together. “I am old and stricken with age.”

  “Have you tried cod-liver oil?” said the elders.

  “The Lord has fought for us, keep in with Him; He likes burnt offerings; He loves chicken livers. If you need help, call Him and He will slayeth whoever you want.”

  “How about bank managers?” said the elders.

  Joshua said, “The Lord in past times took Abraham, led him throughout the land of Canaan, and multiplied his seed with grow bags.”

  23. Then Jacob and the children of Israel went down to Egypt 3 Israel Nil. “Hear now, it shall come to pass all good things are from the Lord, but shall the Lord bring upon you evil things until He hath destroyed you from this good land.”

  “He must be meshuga,” said the elders. Joshua said, “If ye forsake the Lord and serve strange gods, don’t use the good silver.”

  24. And it came to pass that Joshua died; people who knew said it was the booze. They buried him next to the border, who had died owing three weeks’ rent. On the Monday they held the sale; the biggest item was Joshua’s copy of the Ten Commandments, which were auctioned off singly.

  CHAPTER IX

  Now a new leader came to the children of Israel, Judah, and he went and smote the Canaanites – but their king Adonibezek fled, but they caught him, cut off his thumbs and great toes. And Adonibezek said, “Threescore and ten kings, having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table.”

  “Oh, kinky eh?” said Judah.

  2. Now the children of Kenite went out of the city and they went and settled among the peace-loving people of Arad. Judah came with his brother, and slew them and utterly destroyed it.

  And the Lord said, “This is Judah with whom I am well pleased.”

  3A. There wast a time when the children of Israel were slaves for the king of Moab, but the children of Israel cried out to the Lord, “HELLLULPP!”

  The Lord heard and spoke to them, “I will rise up a cha
mpion for you.”

  3B. And He rose up Ehud. Ehud made a Swiss Army knife. When he’d finished he made his way into the king’s chamber and said to the king, “I have a present for you,” and stuck the dagger in the king’s belly.

  “You call this a present? It’s very dangerous,” said the king and died.

  Ehud then ran up a mountain, blew a ram’s horn and shouted to the children of Israel, “You are free.” And the Lord blessed Ehud, his Swiss Army knife, his ram’s horn, and his psychiatrist.

  3C. But the Israelites forsook the Lord, and the anger of the Lord was hot against Israel, and He delivered the Israelites into the hands of spoilers that spoiled them, and the Lord sold them into the hands of the enemy, but as they were so spoilt He didn’t get many offers and the Israelites went a-whoring all in the month of May. And the Lord paced the floor of His pillar of cloud and He swore against them.

  4. The children of Israel now dwelt among Canaanites, Hittites and Amorites, but they sent their children to a private school. The Israelites again did evil in the sight of the Lord.

  “If only they’d pull the blinds,” He said.

  5. Deborah was the prophetess at the time the Israel ites came up to her for judgement. Usually she gave six months, the others got off with a fine. Deborah called Barak, the Israelite general, who said, “I am about to exterminate Sisera and his army.”

  “Good luck,” she said.

  “No,” said Barak, “if thou wilt go with me in my chariot, I will go; if you wilt not go with me in my chariot, I will not go.”

  “That seems clear; boring but clear. Yes, I will come but my going rate is ten shekels a mile.”

  “It’s a bit much,” said Barak. “I know,” said Deborah; “that’s why I charge it.” Alas, Sisera and his army were thrashed. Sisera fled on his feet and Jael, the wife of Heber, gave Sisera succour and rested him in her tent. She offered him salt beef sandwiches and covered him with a velvet mantle. He said to her, “If any man ask of me, say I am not here,” and he slept. Jael took a nail off the tent pole and took a hammer. She went softly to him and smote the nail unto his temples. So he died and Jael put her B&B signs outside her tent again.