Giselle shook her head. "No. Mara's good at this sensitive stuff. She'll be home any minute."
Brooke shoved Giselle in the direction of the stairs. "This isn't about you being comfortable Giselle. Zoe needs someone to talk to. You said it yourself; she's lost everything."
Brooke's words were a rude wake-up call for Giselle. This wasn't about her. Zoe needed her.
After Chase's visit, something in the older woman had shifted. When she walked back into the house, her eyes were red from crying, and while the smile she gave Giselle when she asked if she was alright was beautiful, it didn't have its usual sparkle.
"Fine. I'll go," Giselle choked out.
"Great. I'll order two big pizzas. They'll be ready to go by the time you're done."
Giselle nodded and grudgingly made her way up the steps. The truth was that she was afraid to talk to Zoe. Giselle knew deep down inside that if she saw Zoe in the pain that she was in, then it would just confirm what she already knew.
I'm developing feelings for her. I've never gotten so upset from seeing someone else cry.
Giselle sighed. There was no escaping it now. She did have feelings for Zoe. It didn't matter how hard she wished it wasn't true.
The good part was that she had no intention of acting on said feelings. She had to put on her big girl panties and play the good friend until her feelings faded. Giselle wasn't relationship material, and she wasn't about to pretend to be.
Giselle knocked on Zoe's door. A weak "come in" answered her. The wolf shifter took a deep breath before she opened the door.
When she did, her heart constricted as she saw the dullness in Zoe's beautiful, dark eyes. Even her usually shiny hair looked lifeless.
"Hey," Zoe said, getting into a sitting position.
"Hey yourself." Giselle sat beside the older woman, making sure she kept a safe distance between them.
"You here to check up on me?"
"Yup."
Zoe sighed. "I'm afraid there's not much to check up on. I feel numb."
Giselle bit her bottom lip. She didn't know what to say to that. In all honesty, one of the reasons she kept well away from proper relationships was because she didn't know how to handle them emotionally.
Getting dumped and heartbroken was horrible. But staying and watching a loved one go through something hurt just as much. Giselle had never learned to cope with the feeling of helplessness that not being able to solve a loved one's pain caused.
And to make matters worse, she usually didn't know what the right thing to say was.
"I guess numb is better than depressed."
Zoe chuckled lightly. "I can always count on you for a laugh." The older woman shook her head. "The numbness is just covering a lot of other emotions. Guilt, anger, depression, self-hate. I'm just tired of dealing with them. That's why I took a nap."
Giselle nodded. "I get that. Sometimes you have to distract yourself, or you'll get overwhelmed."
"Exactly. Finally, someone who gets it. Jax always says I brush stuff under the rug. What he doesn't understand is that if I had let every emotion out, I wouldn't have been able to get up and do the things I need to."
"You've been dealing with a lot, haven't you? More than you ever let on."
Zoe inhaled. "I have, and it seems I can't catch a break. Everything I worked so hard for these past years has been taken away, and to make matters worse, my father made Chase his Second."
Giselle spun her head around. "What? But he wasn't even a lieutenant? How can Chase be Second without any training?"
"I don't know what my father's thinking. He probably isn't thinking at all. If I had to guess, he knows Chase has no interest in consolidating power. That's why he made him Second. He probably thinks he can groom Chase into whatever he wants him to be."
Giselle cocked her head. "Can he?"
"He can try, but Chase is a gentle soul. I worry that he'll break." Zoe shook her head. "My father likes to train hard, and after my betrayal, Chase is going to get it worse than I ever did."
Giselle winced at the bitter quality in Zoe's voice. She was supposed to be here making the older woman feel better, not fueling her imagination to think of worst case scenarios.
"It's a lot to deal with," Giselle said her voice gentle. "But I'm here for you. We all are."
"Thanks."
Giselle sat beside her crush and stared at the hardwood floors. She didn't want to say anything that made Zoe think about all she'd lost. She also didn't want to make a joke and look insensitive.
This is why I don't do relationships.
The thought had a distinct ring of falsehood that Giselle quickly shoved aside. All relationships were the same. While one with Zoe promised to be happier and more fulfilling than any she'd ever had, it didn't change the truth.
People hurt each other. The closer you let them get to you, the more they could hurt you. Taking what people offered and keeping them at a certain distance was the best option.
Giselle got the emotional support she needed from time to time from her clan members. Her sexual needs were met by the various women that frequented the Titanrun. As for fun and adventure, those two things seemed to find the Whiteheart clan eventually.
Giselle had everything she'd ever wanted. So, why was she suddenly feeling like something was missing?
"Come on!" Giselle clapped her hands. "Let's think about something else. Something positive."
"Like what?" Zoe's eyes were wide with genuine curiosity.
Giselle's shoulders sagged. She had no answers. At least not the kind that would help Zoe deal with her pain.
"I don't know. At least you get to hang out with me all the time. I'm pretty cool, you know. The other girls aren't half bad either. Mara could show you some cool baking tricks. Jade could show you how to use a bow and arrow from Rowan's dragon's back."
Giselle grinned. "There's lots to do here. You should treat this as a break. I see you, Zoe. You do everything for everyone else and nothing for yourself. You deserve time off. You deserve to be happy. Something tells me you haven't been happy in a long while."
Zoe threw her hands up in the air. "So, what? I'm just supposed to forget about everything and pretend that I'm here visiting a group of friends?"
Giselle swallowed thickly and looked down.
Zoe continued. "I lost my clan, Giselle, and to make matters worse, I lost my best friend and my brother. After news of my banishment comes out, I won't exactly have acquaintances, let alone anything that could come close to what I lost.
"Heck, I won't even be able to date, now that I don't have to be in the closet. People hate the Darksong, and rightfully so. I'm going to be a pariah for the rest of my life. And all of that hinges on whether or not my father decides to come for me with a vengeance. If something about me being a direct offspring holds him back, then I'll survive to live a life where no one will come anywhere near me!"
A heaviness settled in Giselle's limbs, and she found it hard to breathe. Her heart broke for Zoe. The future that the older woman had painted was painfully accurate. Zoe, of all people, deserved better.
It was that thought that drove Giselle to move closer. She tucked a strand of Zoe's dark hair behind her ear and cupped the older woman's cheek.
"Not with me. You'll never be a pariah near me."
Giselle licked her lips and leaned forward. At this point, all logical thought had seized. All she knew was that Zoe was hurting and that she wanted, no needed, to show the former Darksong Second that she was wanted and always would be.
A firm hand on Giselle's shoulder halted the younger woman's advance.
"Don't," Zoe whispered.
The simple words were like a bucket of ice water on top of Giselle's head. Giselle jerked back and sat frozen. Her mouth opened and shut several times.
What the hell did I do?
A painful silence filled the room as Giselle started to panic. She wrung her hands together and bit her bottom lip. What could she say to explain what she'd done?
Sorry, I tried to kiss you even though you've never given any indication that you might like me.
Giselle rolled her eyes. That definitely wouldn't fly. She needed to say something immediately. She didn't want to ruin her relationship with Zoe.
"I—" Giselle said at the same time that Zoe started speaking.
"Go ahead," the older woman said.
"No, please," Giselle insisted. "You go ahead. I'll probably say something stupid."
"I highly doubt that, Giselle. You're brilliant."
Those words sent a jolt of arousal straight to Giselle's core. The younger woman crossed her legs and clenched her fists. No one had ever called her smart. How was it that something so unsexy coming from Zoe's lips could turn her on?
"Uh, thanks?" Giselle said.
Zoe smiled. "Look, you tried to kiss me, and I stopped you. I don't know why you did it, but I want you to know why I stopped it."
Giselle turned to face Zoe fully. Her friend didn't seem angry or offended. That was a good start.
Zoe inhaled. "I would be lying if I said I didn't find you attractive, but I'm fragile right now. I couldn't handle a ride on the Giselle rollercoaster."
Giselle's face crumpled. "Why do you think I'd take you for a ride?"
"Because of your reputation. It's probably not all true, but you honestly can't tell me that you want a loving, committed relationship, Giselle."
The younger woman pursed her lips and remained silent.
"I know I'm judging you from the rumors and that it's not fair, but your friends all go on about how many women you date."
Zoe ran a hand through her hair. "I don't have a lot of experience, Giselle. My time with the Darksong robbed me of that. But if I should be so lucky as to open up to someone, then I want it to mean something. Can you honestly tell me that's what you want?"
Yes.
Giselle swallowed thickly and mentally slapped her forehead. She'd come so close to spitting the word out. Thankfully, the sane part of her, the part that had struggled to rebuild herself after the heartbreak that rocked her world seven years ago, stopped her.
"No," Giselle said her voice small.
Zoe nodded. "Then I did us both a favor. Are we cool?"
Giselle forced herself to smile. "Definitely."
"Pizza's here," Brooke's voice yelled from downstairs.
Zoe's eyes widened. "You ordered pizza?"
Giselle smiled. Zoe looked like a kid on Christmas morning. Young, innocent, and happy.
Giselle got up and offered her friend a hand. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered when Zoe accepted it.
"Brooke ate all my baloney, so she ordered some for us. I can't believe it came that fast, but I'm not complaining."
"Thank God she messed up," Zoe said making her way out of the room. "I'm starving, and pizza sounds like it'll hit the right spot."
Giselle laughed, then followed her friend. A part of her was hurt that Zoe saw her as nothing more than a party girl that had one night stands. While that description was partly accurate, Giselle couldn't help but shake the residual hurt from being reduced to so little.
It's for the best. I'm not the relationship type, and even if I was, I'm still not ready to let someone in.
9
Three days later, Zoe sat by a stream just on the outskirts of Falhurst. When she was a child, her mother used to take her there whenever clan business was about to get particularly ugly. They'd throw rocks in the stream, and her mother would tell Zoe made up stories.
Those were Zoe's happiest memories, and so once Chase and she moved out of the Farm, she started taking her brother to the stream and doing the same thing. The stream was a place of calm, but on this day, Zoe felt none of that.
Chase had called her the night before begging for a meeting. He'd sounded so desperate that Zoe had agreed against her better judgment. Asking Chase to go from the life of a typical twenty-year-old to that of Darksong Second overnight was cruel.
I'll just help him a little until he gets up on his feet.
The sound of footsteps heading in her direction alerted Zoe to Chase's arrival. She got up and held her arms out. Seconds later, he stepped through the light forest that surrounded the stream and hugged Zoe.
"I've missed you so much," Chase said.
"Same here." Zoe pulled away. "We can't take too long, though. Someone will notice you're missing."
Chase sighed then sat down, crossing his legs. "I know."
"What did you want to talk about?"
"Everything and nothing. I feel so raw on the inside. These last few days have been hell."
Zoe's mouth went dry. She'd known her father would push Chase hard, but she didn't expect him to go all out. Zoe recognized the haunting tone in Chase's voice. It meant he'd seen something truly horrible.
"What happened?" Zoe placed a hand on her brother's thigh.
"So much that I don't want to remember." Chase squeezed his eyes shut. "The worst of it was the trip to the scrap yard."
A chill ran down Zoe's spine. Her father really must have meant to shock Chase if he took him to the scrap yard.
Whenever someone was found guilty of betraying the clan, two things usually happened. They'd get killed, or they'd get taken to work the land that the Darksong owned outside of Falhurst. The kind of manual labor they'd do was cruel, and most shifters would die if their animals didn't go crazy first.
What most people didn't know is that Reirder Dagiel kept a selected few and sent them to the scrap yard. Those that got sent there were great fighters. Her father kept them in horrible housing and held underground tournaments where he had them fight each other to the death.
"I'm so sorry you had to see that," Zoe said, her voice thick.
Chase shook his head. "I am too. Now, I understand why you've been fighting Dad. He's a real monster. The way his eyes lit up yesterday made me sick to my stomach. I held it in, but I couldn't sleep last night. That's why I called you. I had to see you, Zoe. I need to understand how you survived."
Zoe inhaled. "I survived by learning to compartmentalize. You've got to file those memories away in the "Dad's a monster who I hope will one day die a painful death" folder. Then I found something positive to do by stealing from him. You obviously can't do that, but you've got to find something small to hold on to."
Chase sighed. "I don't know if I can. I'm so tired Zoe. All the training and the sick things I've seen keep me up late. Whenever I close my eyes, I hear the screams of the man that died. And it's not just that. Dad had me bite one of his soldiers for practice in training yesterday. I can still hear the man's howl."
Zoe winced. "He'll heal. Don't think about it."
Chase spun around, his eyes wide. "That's what Dad said. How can you be so calm about everything?"
"I'm not, Chase. Trust me. I have my nightmares too. But this is your life now. You've got to be strong."
"I don't know if I can." Chase hung his head, and for the first time, Zoe seriously started to doubt his ability to cope with his new life. But what choice did they have? The dice had been rolled. Zoe was out, and it was Chase's turn to play.
Zoe raised her brother's chin. "You listen to me. You can do this. I wouldn't have let you go back there if it wasn't for the best. I have a contact that could help us disappear, but we'd have shitty lives with no freedom. We'd have to take the worst jobs and live in seclusion because Dad wouldn't let us get away.
"You're a social person Chase. I couldn't let you live like that. What you're dealing with is temporary. You're paying the price for your future freedom now. Dad will die, and when he does, you need to be able to step in and create the life you want. Didn't you promise me you'd re-instate me too?"
Zoe knew she was lying to Chase with all that she said. She'd been doing it since he was a child, and it was a hard habit to break. The truth was that no one got to escape the Darksong, and the only person that did lived the horrible life that Zoe had just described.
Molly lived in the
shadows and couldn't make friends. Zoe knew full well that Maddox took her leaving personally. To this day, he still hunted her.
There was no escaping the Darksong and finding happiness. Zoe needed Chase to believe in himself, to think that he was fighting to one day bring her back to the clan.
The truth was that he had no choice. It was death or life with the Darksong. Zoe was in the same boat. Her stay with the Whiteheart was just prolonging things.
She wouldn't let the Whiteheart or Chase fight for her. No matter what she told them. Zoe understood that Reirder Dagiel was coming for her and that it didn't matter how long he took. Once he was done with her, she'd be dead.
"Get up," Zoe's father's voice bellowed from behind her.
Zoe and Chase both got up to face his murderous dark eyes. Zoe had been so caught up in trying to comfort her brother that she'd let her guard down, and now her father had found them.
"Chase, go home," her father barked. "If I ever find you spending time with the enemy, there'll be hell to pay."
Chase's blue eyes were filled with an apology as he looked at Zoe one last time. He quickly left the little clearing, leaving his older sister alone with her father. Zoe knew full well the murderous look in her father's eyes was for her.
"Are you a dike?" he asked.
Zoe inhaled sharply. "What?"
Her father took a step forward. "I put a tracker on your brother's car the moment he became Second. The very next morning, he drove to the Whiteheart's land. They're all dikes. Are you one?"
Zoe was wordless with rage. After all that had happened over the last few days, the most important thing on her father's mind was insulting his daughter with a derogatory term and clear venom in his voice.
How dare he judge her like this? She'd built his business to heights it would never have reached without her. Her push for legitimacy had lessened the wars her clan had to fight.
To have him look at her like nothing more than a piece of gum stuck under his shoe was beyond insulting.
"I'm a lesbian if that's what you're asking."
Reirder Dagiel spat at her feet. "You're dead to me."
Zoe scoffed. "Because I'm gay?"
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