by Tigris Eden
Just can’t.
I’m in my own personal hell. Constructed and locked by me.
My mind goes over everything. I analyze things from beginning to end, looking for signs. Something that will tell me that I was either right on the money or way off my mark. But there’s not one single event that would deny what we had was more than friendship. We’d spent so much time together, and maybe that was the thing I should have looked deeper into. Maybe I was the delusional one. Hell, I talk to my dog and cat. My house looks like a tween had a field day with the décor.
He didn’t take you or your time seriously, my mind supplies, and I’m crying again. I cry for so long and so hard that I finally drift off.
Chapter 10
90 days post Klaus…
It’s been exactly three months sans Klaus. Three. Things eventually got better. It still hurts to think about him, but I am doing my best to put it all behind me. The barbeques stopped after that day, and although I see Tammy and Hector on occasion, they both know Klaus is off limits as far as conversation topics go. Every once in a while, Chops and Sabina will stop by and chat with me. But no one ever mentions Klaus. I’m thankful.
I’ve been avoiding the station like the plague. I don’t want to see him. Can’t be around him yet. I know what my limits are, and seeing Klaus again is a huge no-no. I threw myself into work, taking on jobs that are way outside of Dallas in some cases. Even thought of moving, but decided that I love my little farm too much.
Those fires that happened a while back? The ones that eventually led to me seeing Klaus again? Well, D.F.A.R. finally solved them just a few weeks ago with the help of the Dallas P.D. and yours truly. Or rather, Dali. Turned out, the guy setting the fires was a supposedly reformed pyromaniac. He’d been locked away in a mental institution for years from his teens to his thirties. They finally let him out, and he’d been living a decent life until his girlfriend left him. The stress set him off again, and he started back up with his firebug ways. The last fire that led to his capture resulted in Dali recovering a prime piece of evidence that led to his arrest. The craziest part…when I turned in the final paperwork to the ATF and D.F.A.R, I found out that the guy was Thomas’s cousin. It made so much more sense now why Thomas disappeared from my life so suddenly. He must have known and had to get away. Especially knowing what Dali and I did for a living. Nobody wants to be dragged into family drama. And that was some serious family drama. Poor guy.
It’s another day on the job, and today has been particularly hard for me, and it isn’t even Klaus-related. There have been several more fires. Sadly, there are always fires. This one is particularly nasty. A couple of the guys from the station respond to the call and Kole and Jax get busy securing the family. After the rescue, Dali and I are called in to take a look around, see if this was an accident, or premeditated.
When they pulled the little, three-year-old girl, Emma, from the fire, she was unconscious and barely breathing. Severely burned. My heart goes out to her and her family. I watch as the mother sobs into her husband’s chest. My heart is shattered. I agonize over all the different things I know must be going through the mother’s and father’s minds. Dali stays by their side, and it isn’t until the mother comes up to thank me for allowing Dali to hang out with them that I break down. I don’t think Klaus is the cause, but as I stand there with tears running down my face, I realize that he is the reason. He may not have lost his family in a fire, but he did lose his family. Both parents are devastated at the idea that their daughter may not survive. It’s like I can feel what they’re feeling, and I know right then that if and when I choose to love that deeply, I’ll be rocked to my core. Shaken in such a way that I know the damage will be irreparable.
How can anyone be prepared to lose the people they love? Especially given that the amount of time they have together is so short. Who can put a timeframe on someone’s heart? No one can tell me when my grieving should be over; it’s up to me to decide. It will be up to Klaus to decide when he’s ready to move on from the loss of his family. I won’t be the deciding factor, he will. I hug the mother quickly and tell her how great Kole and Jax are. Her head bobs up and down vigorously.
“Thank you again for allowing your dog to sit with us.”
“No problem. She’s really good at calming people.”
Dali is sitting next to me as I watch the parents walk to the ambulance where their daughter is being treated. That’s when I see Kole walking toward me.
“Why haven’t we seen you down at the station?”
“Been really busy, Kole.”
“Too busy to visit your friends?”
If only that were the real reason.
I can’t tell him about Klaus and me. I’m just not ready to have that conversation, and Kole and I don’t have that type of friendship. It’s more of co-worker with some brotherly affection than anything else. We never get into the heavier side of feelings. It just isn’t our thing.
“I’ll try and stop by when you have your next cookout.”
“Girl, we are always cooking. This weekend, we’re doing a pancake breakfast for one of our many charities.”
Damn.
I love pancakes.
“I’ll see what I can do. Send the information to my cell. I gotta get going. Dali needs a bath after today.”
“All right, I’ll see you this weekend, Jada.”
“Sure thing, Kole.”
But I know I’m not going. I can’t. Klaus will be there.
The pancake breakfast comes and goes without incident. I don’t show. I do text Kole to tell him that something came up. He accepts my lie for what it is, and I think I’m in the clear. It’s Saturday afternoon when everything literally blows up in my face.
Grocery shopping. I hate every single damn minute of grocery shopping. Couldn’t I just order my shit online? Sure, but I tried that once and ended up with stale bread, brown lettuce, and milk that was at least five days old. I would like to think myself practical, but I know I’m not. I’m quirky. I say what’s on my mind, and I basically make no damn sense when I’m flustered. Hell, I quote movies when I get nervous and at the most inopportune times. I hear music in my head. It’s like I walk around with a multitude of theme songs. But my animals love me, and I have a job that I enjoy. As far as I’m concerned, I’m a full-fledged functioning adult.
I’m in the cereal aisle when I hear giggling on the other side. Nothing out of the ordinary. Not really. It’s just some chick having a good laugh. Her laugh is actually infectious, and if I were in the same aisle as she was, I know we’d make eye contact and share a chuckle. Only she’d be the only one privy to what’s so funny.
“I love you so much, Klaus.”
I freeze at the use of his name. Then I wait. I can’t move. Can’t breathe. I need to hear if it’s my Klaus. He was never yours. True. I know this, don’t need to be reminded, but when the voice finally does respond, my heart implodes in on itself, then explodes into an infinite amount of shards until there is nothing left but a deflated organ.
“Is that so?” It’s him. That smooth, accented voice that rumbles along my spine and destroys what’s left of my sanity. How did he come to mean so much to me? Why is it that a man I barely know affects me so much? I know the answer to those questions. I do know him, inside and out. He’d become my best friend. There was a level of attraction so deep and so strong that it was a miracle we were able to tamp it down. But now he’s with someone else. Another woman has fallen under his spell and his charm and those brilliant eyes. Eyes that cast shadows but reflect kindness. Eyes, that, when he looked at me, all I could see was myself reflected back in them. I need my head checked. I need to get out of this damn aisle before I’m found out. But the woman’s question stops my retreat.
“Yeah. How come you never say it back?” the female voice asks.
I’m straining to hear his response. I’m wishing we were in one of those stores where if you moved the cereal box to the side, you’d get a sneak peek
at what’s going on in the other aisle.
“Breeze, you know I don’t do relationships. Not with anyone.”
Ugh.
Breeze.
I’d like to tell you Kill Bill did not sound in my head again, but it does. It’s louder, possibly even stronger than before, but I try to ignore it.
“You say that, but I’m at your place almost every night warming your bed.”
I gasp.
And yeah, it’s loud. Like so loud, I know they heard me. Like a coward, I leave my cart and book it over three more aisles before I feel safe. I should leave. But I don’t. It’s not because I’m a glutton for punishment. It’s because my cart is still there, and my purse is in the damn thing. Fuck my life!
Oh, and the little old lady that was in the aisle with me, she literally chases me down in her go-cart.
“Ma’am. Ma’am.”
I turn in her direction.
“Yes?”
“You left your purse in your shopping cart. I would have brought it to you, but I can’t stand too good on my own.”
I try and play it off like it’s no big deal. When it is. Can’t leave the store without your purse, which contains your keys, dumbass.
Duh. I know this.
“Thanks, I was actually looking for something, I forgot about. Thank you.”
“You young people really need to remember things. I’m going to be eighty-two on Thursday, and even I remember not to leave my purse.” The old lady shakes her head as she drives away. Guess she put me in my place. My insides are queasy as I slowly walk back to where I left my shopping cart. It’s there. Right where I left it, but so is Klaus. He still looks the same—tall, dark brown hair pulled back in a bun, barely shaved face, and those eyes…those remarkable ice-blue eyes with hints of grey. They see right through me.
“Jada,” he whispers my name like a prayer, and I take a huge step back. I don’t want to face this. I don’t want any part of what he has to say. Not right now. The wound that has been slowly healing due to my revelation has opened back up. I knew it would happen. I knew he’d find someone else and that it would be in stages, but somehow, I always thought he’d go through the stages with me.
“Klaus.”
I notice Breeze isn’t with him. He must have told her to go on and finish shopping. They were shopping together. Together. Like a normal couple. We’d gone shopping together. Stop it, Jada. Stop it right there. I can’t over analyze; I’ll drive myself crazy.
“How’ve you been?”
“Great.” I lie. “You?”
“I miss you,” he rumbles.
Whoa. That was not what I expected to come out of his mouth. Actually, I was thinking it would be the same as me, just a “good,” or a “great.” Not an “I miss you.” How could I have been so off the mark on that one? Better yet, how do I respond?
“Wasn’t expecting to hear you say that.”
“Why not?”
I shrug.
“Why would I?”
“We spent almost every fucking day together. Of course, I miss you.”
“Well, now you have Breeze.” The words are out before I can stop them, and I know it’s petty.
“I don’t have Breeze. We just spend time together.”
That is total code for, “we just fuck.”
“Okay, you spend time together, but you don’t need me around for that.” I try and walk past him to get to my cart, but Klaus catches me around the waist and pulls my back to his front. I can feel the heat of his hand through my shirt as it spans the length of my stomach. The hard press of his body as he holds me tighter almost does me in. All I want to do is die and melt at the same time. But I’m not going to read anything into this. I can’t. His breath is coming fast and hot against my cheek as he speaks into my ear.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you, Jada.”
“I’m fine, Klaus.”
“Then how come you haven’t come by the station? The guys have noticed. Kole keeps asking me how you’re doing,” he growls as his arm pulls me tighter.
“I’ve been busy, Klaus, and to be honest, I can’t…not knowing how I feel about you. About us. Don’t worry, I get it. I understand. You lost your family. They can never be replaced. But I wasn’t trying to replace Amelia or your son. I was just hoping there was enough room in there for me and the love I had to offer.”
I just said that.
Oh my God.
I just said that.
Out loud.
I might as well have quoted Notting Hill. You know the infamous line, “I’m just a girl.” Yeah, so not cool on so many levels, as the male lead basically shuts her down. Swats her hopes like a freaking fly.
I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the bomb to hit, but no words come from Klaus. His breathing is still erratic. His hand is applying pressure to my stomach, and as a result, my will is breaking. He’s here with someone else. Right. Breeze.
“Please, let me go.”
“Let you go?” he says it as if he’s confused. Or maybe he realizes we both need to let go. I need to let go of him and soon. One day soon, he’s going to have to let go of the notion that his life is on stand-by.
His arm releases me, and I quietly make my way over to my shopping cart. I know he’s still standing there, staring. But I can’t be bothered to look. I won’t look. Instead, I raise my hand up and wave as I say, “Goodbye, Nicklaus.”
Chapter 11
184 days later after total annihilation.
The incident in the grocery store was six months ago. Six whole months. But I’m better now. Things started to fall into place for me the moment I realized a few things about myself. One, I had been stuck in a rut of sorts, too. Since Jaden, I’d become a bit of a cynic. I used my job and my animals to disconnect from the world around me. I didn’t have a bad life, but it was far from perfect. I thought I had my heart broken by Caroline and Jaden, but really, it was nothing compared to what I felt after realizing Klaus was no longer going to be a part of my life. There was a sort of epiphany at the grocery store that day. I’d said what I’d been too afraid to voice even to myself. I loved him, and I was really hoping to have space in his heart. I didn’t want it all, I knew a huge part of it belonged to Amelia and his son; and at first, I was against the whole thought of us exploring the possibilities. Amelia would want him happy, and I thought I could be the one to give him that happiness.
But how does one explore, when we never got the chance. A few heated kisses and an almost close encounter hardly counts. But it was everything after that, that did. The time spent getting to know one another. The phone calls and time spent with friends who are now my friends. We fell into a relationship-like pattern. There were things missing, like sex, but we cooked for one another. Watched movies, and were us. The best part about the entire situation was that even though he never said it, and probably didn’t know he was showing it, Klaus loved me in his own way. As I loved him. Maybe it wasn’t a romantic kind of love, but it was definitely love, and I felt it. It was real. Tangible. Something that if nurtured and watered would have grown into an amazing kind of love.
Hector and Tammy are getting married, and Chops and his girl had a little boy, who everyone affectionately calls Chops Jr.. Koda has moved into the cottage house as my new farmhand and is doing a wonderful job. He needed the money, and actually knows a lot about farming. I’ve made it clear to Koda that the only hand I need is on the farm itself. Dating and flirting is off limits. Dali and Poe even like his company, so all is right in the world. I’m even throwing another barbeque.
Tammy is staring at me as I pull my braids into a ponytail on top of my head.
“Explain to me again what protective style means and how the hell is it crocheted into your real hair?”
She’s talking about my braids. Summer is right around the corner, and I’m trying to grow my hair back out. I’ve kept it short for so long I thought it was time for a change. I explain the process to her, even show her where the braids and my
hair connect. When she finally gets it, she smiles.
“How long does it take?”
“About three hours, sometimes more depending on who’s doing my hair, but Kianna is the best at what she does.”
“Well, you look great.”
“Thanks.”
The loud roar of bikes and trucks can be heard pulling up into the drive, and I turn to Tammy and pull her in close.
“Glad you made me do this.”
She laughs.
“It’s time. Everyone misses your smiling face, and your place is ideal. You have enough land, and, well, you could say we’re all using you for the space on your property.”
“Right. You all are just here because I make a mean pecan pie.”
“That, too.”
All the food is prepped, and the grill has been going for the last hour. Tammy and I gather in the kitchen where Sabina is rinsing off Chops Jr.’s pacifier.
“I swear that boy has his daddy’s ways.”
“Well, we can’t all be as good-looking as me,” Chops says, walking into the kitchen. “Meat’s on the grill and, Jada girl, you have company.”
“I should hope so.”
Chops shakes his head.
He stopped calling me “girl,” after Jr. was born. Now, I’ve graduated to “Jada girl.”
“No, not us, honey. Him.” Sabina points in the direction of the hall, and I look and see Klaus standing there. My first reaction is absolute stunned silence. Nothing moves. Nothing exists. Everyone disappears and it’s just us. Dammit. He’s in dark, distressed jeans, and a black tee that’s stretched tightly over his arms and abs. He cut his hair, but not too much, there is still a lot of it there, wavy and worthy of a finger comb. His eyes don’t look blue at the moment, but rather a steely grey. There is new ink on his arm, a biomechanical tattoo. Skin rips with gears and things showing through, as if his insides had become the things he works with every day.
