His words caused her heart to skip a beat, but not in the way he might have hoped. Alice’s head started to spin as she considered the gravity of his words.
“I know I should have made my feelings clear to you sooner, maybe even years ago, but you know I have always been pretty timid. I guess I just took for granted that we would eventually end up together. It has always been you and me, working side by side, taking care of business. You can’t deny what a great team we are. You make me happy, Alice. Part of me figured that sooner or later you would just figure out how much I loved you, and when you did, you would take the lead,” he said, nervously shifting from one foot to another.
Alice gently shook her head, still not sure what to say to him. He continued.
“I guess I just wanted you to know. With all these changes going on, and you focusing on expanding the business and all. Maybe I was afraid of getting left behind. I thought it was probably time to step up and let you know how much I love you. I want to be your husband, Alice. I want to be Amy’s daddy. I always have.”
Alice swallowed hard, his proposal making her gut ache as though he had just delivered a sucker punch right to her abdomen. Joe reached his hand out and lifted her chin with his fingers. Her eyes were filled with tears, but not for the reason he thought. Her heart was filled with sadness, and deep regret.
She didn’t love him, at least not like that. She considered him family and couldn’t imagine him not being a part of her life, but he really was like a brother to her. How did he get that so wrong? She racked her brain trying to figure out any time when she might have mislead him, or given him mixed signals? Hell, she couldn’t even recall a time when he offered her any indication that he felt this way. At least not until Billy had arrived.
Alice tried to put her head back down, uncertain what to say to him, but Joe lifted her chin again, and looked deep into her eyes. She quickly closed them, afraid he would see the truth before she had a chance to voice it.
Suddenly, she felt his mouth on hers, the scent of stale tobacco on his lips, alerting her senses. Shock rippled through her body, and she quickly opened her eyes, as if in total disbelief. She lifted her hands and placed them on his chest to gently ease him away from her. He must have misread her gesture as approval because he placed his hands on the small of her back and passionately pulled her tighter, his mouth crushing hers.
This couldn’t be happening, Alice thought incredulously. She pushed him away again, this time more forcefully. Joe took a step back and saw her expression, dropping his hands quickly. He looked confused. Alice felt sick to her stomach, mostly because she had to break his heart. This day had taken a strange turn.
“Joe, stop,” she said, raising her hands in front of her.
He took another step back and gaped at her painfully. Alice avoided the urge to wipe her mouth.
“I’m so confused right now,” she whispered, not certain where to begin.
Joe put his head down and stared at his boots.
“You can’t tell me you didn’t know how I felt, Alice. All these years we have been together, me staying on through thick and thin. Taking care of you? What did you think that all meant?” he asked, his words tight in his throat.
Alice shook her head. She didn’t know. She had no idea he felt that way about her. He had always been so cool with her, kept his feelings to himself. Apparently well hidden, she thought grimly. He looked back up at her and she met his stare blankly, afraid to say anything.
“I’ve always been in love with you, even when you were engaged to that asshole Jerry. When you cancelled the wedding, I thought for sure that destiny had something in store for you and me. I was secretly thrilled, but of course, I couldn’t say anything cause you were crushed. Soon after you announced you were pregnant with little Amy. I thought if I confessed my feelings for you then, you would think I was just trying to be honorable, that I really didn’t love ya.”
He paused for a minute, trying to gather his thoughts. Alice waited quietly for him, feeling disheartened and humbled.
“I was gonna wait a bit for you to get used to being a mother and then I was gonna talk to you about my feelings. I even talked to your dad about it,” he confessed, his voice soft with his memories.
Alice inhaled sharply at the mention of her dad. He had never said a word to her about Joe. Was that because he didn’t approve of the match? Why else wouldn’t he mention it?
“When I got the courage to finally talk to you about it again, I was gonna wait for Valentine’s day and surprise you with flowers and chocolates. Remember you had invited me to come by the house after dinner that night your parents were away in Sacramento? We were going to watch a DVD after I had finished up with the nightly chores?” he reminded her hopefully. “You told me no one should be alone on Valentine’s Day, remember?”
Alice shook her head again, trying to pull up the memories from four years earlier. She may have asked him to come for supper, but the only thing that kept flashing in her mind was that damn phone call from the hospital.
“Then the accident happened and everything changed, except my feelings for you. The truth is, Alice, I just didn’t have the courage to talk to you about it. Your life was so uncertain, and you were grieving so much,” he admitted.
He reached out to take her hand, and she hesitated, not wanting to send him mixed signals. Finally, she took his hand in both of hers, hoping that it would soften the blow for what she was about to tell him. She smiled at him gently, her eyes revealing how conflicted she felt.
“Joe, I just don’t know what to say,” she began.
He quickly cut her off.
“Tell me you love me back, Alice. Say you will marry me.” he said, his words teetering between hope and desperation.
Alice looked away, knowing that she couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear. She could feel her tears welling up again and then trickling down her cheeks. Joe smiled nervously, uncertain how to comfort her.
“Joe, you’ve always been such a good friend to me. We have always been able to count on you and I admire you. I would never have been able to carry on at the ranch without you, but…”
She hesitated for a moment, trying to soften her words.
Joe looked away, afraid of her next sentence. Alice sighed deeply.
“But I can’t marry you. I don’t love you the same way you love me. You mean so much to me, please, don’t think you don’t,” she offered as kindly as she could.
Joe nodded and peeled his hand away from hers, his expression suddenly blank. She had hurt him deeply, despite trying so hard not to. He reached around her and picked up his hat, placing it back on his head.
“Well then, I guess there’s nothing left to say,” he offered curtly, his eyes devoid of emotion.
Alice reached out for him, her hand brushing his arm. He pulled away as though she had wounded him.
“I’m fine, Alice. I’m going back to work,” he said without affection.
“Joe, please, I’m so sorry,” she pleaded, wishing he had never admitted his feelings for her.
Now everything was going to change. How could it not?
“I know, Alice, it’s ok. You can’t force your feelings,” he said sadly, not meeting her eyes.
“Where do we go from here? What happens now, Joe?” she asked, genuinely concerned.
“Well, I reckon we just go forward, Alice,” he offered weakly. “Nothing has to change, for now, but I want you to think about it. Let the idea sit with you. I feel like if we just had time, your feelings for me would grow.”
Alice nodded and forced herself to smile, certain that they wouldn’t. She didn’t think that sharing it with him would make any difference.
“Ok,” was all she managed to squeak out.
She had a very uneasy feeling about all of it, but didn’t have the head space to deal with it. She wanted him to go away so she could process everything and get her bearings straight. She had mixed feelings. Part of her was afraid he would leave forev
er, unable to cope with her rejection, and another part of her wasn’t sure that things would ever be the same between them and that she would forever be walking on eggshells around him. How could she pursue a love of her own knowing how he felt about her?
Joe nodded at her and walked away, leaving her alone with her uneasiness.
* * *
The rest of the day went slowly for Alice. She plugged away at her duties, but she couldn’t get her mind off her dilemma. She hadn’t seen Billy all day, but she was grateful for the time to herself to think about everything.
Joe’s confession and proposal had shaken her to her core. While their relationship had developed over the years, it had never been romantic. There was a time when they were both younger when she had been attracted to him, but she was just a naive teenager, with unrealistic romantic notions, and there were a handful of guys she had doe eyes for. She had never admitted to anyone at the time that she had a crush on him, and certainly never gave him any indication of it. Did she?
Once she started dating Jerry, she only had eyes for him, and all her crushes faded away. She and Joe were nothing more than friends, and rarely communicated about anything unrelated to the ranch, enjoying only the occasional family supper together.
After she and Jerry had separated, she did have a rough time. She felt so unlovable. She spent most of her time avoiding anyone that wasn’t family, especially throughout her pregnancy. Joe had really been the only person she didn’t mind spending time with, because he didn’t treat her with pity. He treated her the same as he always had, like a brother, kind, non-judgmental and indifferent.
There was only one time that he even mentioned her situation, and all he had said to her was that she had made the right choice and that life had a way of straightening things out, given a little time. Maybe he was hinting at his feelings for her in some way? She couldn’t be certain, and definitely didn’t connect those dots at the time.
After Amy was born, she spent that first year absorbed in motherhood, falling madly in love with her child. Any free time she had was working with her father, learning the ropes and developing the plans for expanding the ranch. She didn’t see much of Joe at all during that time, and certainly not socially. Sure, he was around, but they didn’t spend time alone together. He was busy managing the help and being her father’s right-hand man. She couldn’t recall a damn thing that indicated he was soft on her, and yet he said he had spoken to her father about it.
In spite of the time she spent searching her memory bank, Alice was still confused. Even over the past four years, when she and Joe worked side by side daily, he hadn’t shared his true feelings. He had many opportunities to open up to her and yet, he never had. True, they were a good team, and on the same page when it came to managing the ranch. People would tease them and say they were like an old married couple because of the way they supported one another, but they just laughed it off.
Well, at least she did. Come to think of it, Joe never really did show much humor about that.
She thought about what he had said, and even pondered his proposal, imagining him as her husband. On paper, they were a good match, especially when it came to work ethic, but in reality, they were like night and day. Alice wanted passion in her life. She was drawn to playfulness, confidence, good humor, and raw sexual energy. All the things that Billy had in spades, and Joe didn’t.
Yes, Joe was a good man and had he a quiet confidence about him. On occasion, he would offer a funny or sarcastic observation, but he was stoic. And sexual energy? As far as she knew, Joe was reserved. From her limited knowledge, he had only dated a handful of times in the eighteen years she had known him, and that was predominantly in his early twenties. He certainly didn’t emit any sexual energy, but in all fairness, she hadn’t paid much attention.
Joe had a lot of endearing qualities, but the truth was, he wasn’t the man for her. She needed a man that would excite her, challenge her, and match her energy. No matter how much he loved her, he could never offer her what she truly needed and she wasn’t willing to be in a passionless marriage.
Alice looked at the time on her phone, and then saved and closed her work on the computer. Amy and Lisa were probably back from town by now and she wanted to go see her little girl. Being around Amy was comforting and almost always managed to ground her.
She was just about to leave her office when Billy arrived. She looked up to see him leaning against the door frame, smiling that sexy smile he seemed to reserve for her. He had his binder tucked under his arm.
Despite all the turmoil that afternoon, her heart fluttered at the sight of him. She let out a deep sigh and smiled, happy to see him.
“You look like you were deep in thought?” he observed, walking toward her.
Alice sat back in her chair. He walked around her desk and set his binder down, placing a hand on either arm of the chair and spinning her around to face him. He leaned down and gave her a long, romantic kiss. She moaned softly into his mouth, her anxiety graciously releasing her.
“Mm, that was nice,” she whispered as he pulled away.
He kept his hands on either side of her, and continued to look warmly at her.
“I have been wanting to kiss you all day,” Billy admitted, kissing her again. “Have you been hiding from me?” he asked.
Alice smiled. In a way she had been, but she was happy he came to find her. Billy stood back up and sat on her desk, facing her. She leaned forward and placed her hands on his thighs, caressing him.
“I suppose I was hiding out in here,” she told him, unwilling to keep the truth from him.
He looked down at her with concern and placed his hands on top of hers.
“What is it?” he asked.
Alice exhaled deeply, releasing the stress that she had pent up inside of her. She shook her head slowly, not sure where to begin. Should she tell him about Joe? Would it be the right thing to do? Would he care?
“It was nothing. I just had an unusual encounter with Joe,” she admitted.
Billy raised his eyebrows, curious to hear more.
“Unusual how? What happened?” he pressed cautiously.
Alice shrugged her shoulders and hesitated, taking time to formulate her words.
“It was just out of character for him, that’s all. I’m not sure what to make of it,” she explained hesitantly.
Billy looked at her curiously.
“Out of character? What did he do?” he asked, his voice taking on a more serious tone.
Alice sighed again, wondering how to explain it to him.
“Well, he told me he loved me,” she began pensively. “He said he wanted to be my husband and asked me to marry him.”
Billy raised his brows in a surprised expression, like it was the last thing he expected her to say. He leaned back, and took a deep breath. Alice continued.
“I was completely caught off guard. I honestly had no idea he felt that way,” she admitted.
Billy let out a sharp sigh, and shook his head slowly. Alice wondered what he meant by the gesture. Did he not believe her? She regarded him carefully, waiting for him to respond.
“How could you not know he felt that way, Alice? I’ve been on this ranch for less than three months and had that figured out,” he said with soft frankness.
Alice was surprised to hear him say that. What did he see that she never could? She leaned back in her chair, removing her hands from his thighs, placing them in her own lap. She looked at him thoughtfully, her head spinning with doubt.
“Honey, maybe it’s a guy thing, but that fella has been running around marking his territory like an alpha wolf ever since I got here. Pissing on every damn rock, bush, and tree. He has made it quite clear to me not to mess with you,” Billy explained, his eyes filled with humor.
Alice shook her head, confused by Billy’s words. That didn’t sound like Joe. He always seemed so passive with her.
“How so, Billy? Did he say something to you?” she asked, trying to fit the p
ieces together.
Billy shrugged as though it were not a big deal.
“Come on, tell me,” she urged, placing a hand back on his knee.
Billy smiled at her.
“He told me to be sure I left once my work here was done. It was more the way he said it, like he had some kind of claim on you,” he explained casually.
Alice felt her uneasiness returning, but swallowed it down. Billy smiled at her reassuringly.
“When did he tell you that?” she asked nervously.
Billy reached for her hands again and she let him take them, grateful for the comforting gesture.
“A few weeks ago. Remember the night we got intimate down by the pond? The night he was waiting for you on the porch?” he asked.
Alice nodded gently, her mind drifting to the hot experience they had shared that night. She felt her cheeks begin to blush.
“It was the next day,” he went on to explain. “He took me aside after you left the barn, if I recall correctly.”
Alice shook her head in frustration. That was the same day that Joe had tried to tell her how he felt, the same day he warned her to keep her head on straight. If he had wanted to plant seeds of doubt about Billy, he had succeeded. At least temporarily.
They sat in contemplative silence for a few minutes, Billy gently caressing her hands. Finally, he spoke.
“So, what did you tell him?” he asked unfazed, a weak smile on his lips.
“What do you mean?” she asked curiously.
“When he asked you to marry him?” he clarified, his smile hiding any emotion he may have been feeling.
“I told him no, that I didn’t love him,” she answered, searching his eyes.
Billy nodded, but said nothing for a moment. Alice shifted in her chair, and looked down at the floor, wondering how Billy felt but too afraid to ask.
“How did he take it?” he finally asked.
“Not so well. His feeling were hurt, and I’m not altogether sure he accepted my answer. He asked me to take some time to think about it,” she responded, suddenly anxious to change the subject.
Billy must have picked up on the shift in her because he smiled, and without releasing her hands he stood up, and then lifted her out of the chair. He pulled her into a gentle kiss. She let go of his hands and wrapped them around his neck, grateful the conversation was over, at least for now.
Playboy Ever After Page 57
