by Fawn Bailey
I smiled to myself, resisting the urge to touch her cheek. But I couldn’t stop another instinct waking up inside me.
Pulling out a pocket knife from my pocket, I leaned against her, her breath sweet and light against my skin. I placed the knife next to her cheek and started cutting carefully.
The strand of hair I took felt light between my fingers, the color a perfect bright blonde. I smiled and pocketed it. A little memento of my sweet little rose.
I left everything as it was and made for the door, the name of that boy on my mind.
I didn’t need much of a push to kill him now.
One wrong move, and he was as good as dead.
I closed the door firmly behind me and left my sleeping beauty in that shitty apartment.
One more year.
One more year until she was mine.
3
Harlow
I woke up with the feeling of someone being in the room with me.
Sitting up in a rush, I felt a wave of blood go to my head, making the room spin. I groaned and rubbed my temples. There was nobody in the apartment. I was panicking for no reason.
Slowly, I eased myself off the bed and walked towards the kitchen. I turned on the kettle, noticing that it was so early my alarm hadn’t even started ringing yet. And still, I was painfully wide awake, which was unusual for me. I was always tired and looking for a spare minute to nap. But now I was excited, filled with renewed energy and determined to make the day a success.
Deciding to ignore what had happened with Tommy, I wanted to focus on what Carina and Amber had been gossiping about instead. Was it really true that a scout had visited one of our rehearsals? The thought offered endless possibilities for fantasies. If it was true, could it be that I was the girl they’d noticed?
It wasn’t impossible. I knew I was Madame’s best dancer. It just really depended on what the scout had been looking for when they walked into that studio.
I had a lot of ambitions, a lot of parts I wanted to play and even more ballets I wanted to star in. The Nutcracker, Swan Lake, Romeo and Juliet… I would’ve loved to be a part of any of them. I lived for the moment someone offered me a lead role, trusting me to perform like I’d always been meant to in front of the crowd. I knew I would excel with their eyes on me.
I settled down on the sofa bed, a steaming cup of coffee in my hands. The one good thing about my shabby apartment was the view.
There was only one window in the whole apartment, and it was right across from the sofa bed, next to the TV. It overlooked the city, and the view was beautiful. Now, I watched dawn take over the buildings below me, the sun coming out to play and lighting up London for my eyes only. I often tried to get up early enough to see it. It was my favorite sight in the world.
My coffee was perfect, and I enjoyed taking slow sips as I got ready for my day. Since I’d woken up a bit earlier, I’d even had enough time to shower and do my hair. I dressed in a black skater-style skirt with a plain white blouse Madame had given me for my birthday. I wore my practice tights underneath to make changing easier for later, and I threw a leather jacket on top. My hair was already up in a tight bun, and I smoothed it out to make sure it was perfect. Madame hated flyaway hair.
This time, I didn’t have to rush to get to the metro station. I had time to leave in peace and even spritz some perfume on my wrists. As I approached my front door, I saw I’d forgotten to lock it the previous night after Carina had left, and the color drained out of my cheeks.
God, how could I have been so careless? Anyone could have come in, broken into my place and done God knows what to me. I had completely forgotten about the locks after Carina left. I could never let it happen again. Madame would kill me if she found out.
I made extra sure to lock the door behind me and fussed the entire tube ride. I was paranoid she’d somehow find out, and I knew Madame knew how to dole out the punishments. The worst thing would be if she forbade me from coming to practice, especially if the rumors were true… I couldn’t be absent if the scout was around.
Madame sometimes felt more like a guardian than just my teacher. She made sure I was always safe and alert, and I was grateful for her help, but other times she just seemed overbearing. At the same time though, she wasn’t loving or affectionate in the slightest, and I didn’t understand it. Moments like that made me miss Momma more than ever.
I walked out of the station without a creepy echo or the sound of footsteps following me this time around. Instead, I arrived in the studio to find cars parked in front of it, my heartbeat picking up right away. I walked inside, straight through the dressing rooms and into the studio. There was a man and a woman there, along with Madame, and my heart jumped hopefully. Could these be the scouts Amber and Carina were talking about?
“Hello,” I called out, walking into the room slowly.
My boots sounded heavy on the floor, and Madame glared at me, making me blush. I knew better than to wear shoes into the studio. But the man and woman were wearing boots too, so she didn’t say a word, and I counted my lucky stars.
“Harlow,” Madame said with her lips pursed. “Please come here.”
I walked inside, eyeing the couple standing by her. The woman was short and pretty, with her hair up in a bun like mine. She had plump lips and her dark skin looked beautiful against the pantsuit she was wearing. But she was scowling, and so was the man – a tall, balding guy with a sour expression and wearing a cheap-looking pinstripe suit.
“What’s going on?” I asked, smiling at them both.
But their expressions remained grim, and I turned to Madame for guidance. For once, she didn’t seem able to meet my eyes. She averted her gaze and cleared her throat, and it made me fidget nervously. What on earth was going on here?
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
“It appears that…” Madame cleared her throat again as if overcome with emotion she was refusing to show. “It appears something happened in the back alley behind the studio last night.”
“What?” I asked breathlessly, looking from one of them to another. Now, they were all looking away, except for the woman, who kept judging me with her eyes, as if she was trying to find something out. “What’s happened? Is everything alright?”
“It’s… it’s not,” Madame went on. “Someone was murdered last night.”
“Murdered?”
We all turned towards the direction of the voice, watching Carina walk into the room.
Her expression was keen with interest, and she loudly popped her bubblegum before winking at me. She looked like a different woman than last night, the tears long gone and no blotchy, red-rimmed eyes to show for it. She was as beautiful as ever, and she held her head high as she consulted the couple with Madame.
“Someone got shanked?” she asked.
“Carina!” Madame snapped, raising a hand in warning.
I noticed it was shaking and wondered what on earth had actually happened. Madame rarely showed any emotion whatsoever, but Carina was treating this so carelessly, as if the news wasn’t shocking in the slightest, and as if she didn’t even care. I was at a loss for words myself, and I just wanted to know what exactly had happened last night.
“Are you police?” I asked the couple, and the man nodded briskly before pulling out a notepad.
“Where were you yesterday evening, Miss… Harlow, was it?” he asked, and I blanched.
“I was at home,” I said, the surprise evident in my voice. “Where else would I be?”
“And what about you?” the woman asked Carina. “Where were you?”
“I visited Harlow,” she said, and I nodded when our eyes met. “And then I spent the night at her apartment, isn’t that right, Harlow?”
I stared at her, processing the shock her words had made me feel.
What was she saying?
She’d left after midnight, and we both knew it. But her eyes were on mine, imploring me to lie for her. What kind of friend are you, she asked silently, shootin
g daggers at me.
“Y-yes,” I muttered. “We were together.”
“I took the tube after Harlow’s,” she said, shrugging. “You know, I need longer to get ready. This doesn’t happen by itself.”
She motioned to herself and giggled while we all stood there uncomfortably. She was hiding something, and it made me sick with worry. But just thinking of our conversation the previous night, I knew I couldn’t bring it up. She was in a bad enough place already.
“Who died?” I whispered, towards the policewoman. She seemed the more reasonable out of the two. “You said someone was murdered… Who was it?”
“Thomas Paddington,” she said, her face emotionless. “You knew him?”
Thomas.
Tommy…
The boy I had watched only a day ago, feeling disillusioned with my crush after he’d been so rude to me.
“I…” I whispered, looking to Carina for support.
She was next to me in seconds, linking her arm through mine, her own face grave as the policewoman delivered the news.
“He was strangled,” the woman said. “In the back alley behind the studio. A passerby, someone who was jogging, found his body early this morning. We’ve already sectioned off the crime scene, so there will be an influx of policemen around here. I’m Detective Bellows, by the way. I would like to ask you both some questions.”
“Of course,” Carina said, squeezing my arm. “We’ll be ready to answer anything you need to know.”
“Now,” Madame cut in. “This is sad news for all of us. But we have the practice to get on with, so if you’ll excuse us, detectives.”
I stared at her incredulously as she dismissed the couple. Surely she couldn’t be serious? Were we really supposed to dance right beside the spot where one of our own had lost his life just hours earlier?
Madame stared at me, her fiery eyes filled with determination.
“Well?” she asked once the detectives left the room. “What are you waiting for? Get ready!”
She shooed us out of the studio, so Carina and I joined the other girls in the dressing rooms. The place was filling up now, girls getting ready for our morning practice. There were whispers, rumors spreading around the room, and the girls gossiped like it was nobody’s business. Carina wouldn’t let any of them near me though, not even Amber. It was a good thing because I was completely shell-shocked by the news we’d just gotten.
Moments before practice was to begin, Carina pulled me aside into the bathroom and looked around to make sure we were alone.
“I’m sorry I made you lie for me,” she whispered, and a huge weight fell off my shoulders.
So here it was, the explanation, the acknowledgment that she had indeed made me lie for her benefit. I was relieved that she brought it up because surely I would have been too embarrassed to say anything myself, especially after the news she’d told me the previous evening.
“I…” she fidgeted nervously with the fabric of her leotard. No tutus that day, only tights and leotards along with our ballet shoes, and our hair up and held back tightly with bobby pins and elastics. “I went to see the father last night.”
“You did?” I asked, covering my mouth with my hand. “What did he say?”
“The usual,” she replied bitterly. “That I should get rid of the baby.”
“Oh, Carina,” I whispered, pulling her in for a hug. She responded eagerly, and I held her for a few precious seconds before she pulled away, a brave smile on her face. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she said, waving a hand as if it were nothing. “I just didn’t want Madame to know that I’m, you know…”
I nodded.
“I will tell her eventually,” she explained. “But I don’t want her to know just yet. Especially with those scout rumors floating around, you know?”
“I understand.” I squeezed her hand. “And don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.”
We exchanged conspiratorial smiles, and for once, I felt like I had a true friend. Maybe things would change for the better now that Carina had shared her secret with me.
After we’d gotten ready for practice, we entered the studio, whispers flying around when we saw another woman standing there with Madame. I recognized her vaguely – she’d been to the studio the previous week.
“Girls,” Madame said sternly. “This is Bella Perkins. She works with the Estate Theater. They’re putting on a performance of The Nutcracker.”
My heart soared when her eyes zeroed in on mine. Could this really be happening?
“Mrs Perkins has found two promising talents amongst our very own,” Madame went on. “Harlow and Carina, will you please step forward?”
There were gasps and clapping, disappointed sobs and even a cry or two as we made our way to Madame and Mrs Perkins. I felt delirious, the happiness so overwhelming it almost knocked me out, but mixing with sadness when I thought about Tommy being gone.
“We would love to have you dance in our ballet,” Mrs Perkins said with a bright smile, shaking hands with Carina and me. “Would you like to join the team?”
Carina shrieked with excitement, making everyone laugh, and I just smiled, nodding slowly.
My dreams were coming true after all.
4
Carina
I was beaming.
I’d gotten the role. And not just any role, the lead role, winning over Harlow and proving to everyone I was a force to be reckoned with. I couldn’t stop grinning, and not even Harlow’s beatific smile didn’t dissuade me. So she’d gotten the Sugarplum Fairy. I’d gotten Clara, a much bigger role with more parts in the play. There was no doubt I was chosen over her. And I was going to be the best dancer in that play, just like I was in the studio.
Usually, being a bitch wasn’t one of my qualities. I was nice, and I genuinely liked Harlow. But when it came to dancing, my competitive side came out to play. Especially now, with the news of being pregnant… I felt like I made the competition twice as hard just because of the baby growing inside me.
The truth is, I should have made him use protection. We should have been more careful and not relied on pulling out. It was done, though, and I still had a baby inside my belly, a baby that would now grow up without a father.
As we practiced in the studio, I let my mind wander, thinking about what had happened the previous night.
The events of a night I would have to keep to myself forever.
My very first dirty, dark little secret.
The test could have been wrong.
The plus on it was big, screaming the truth in my face even when I refused to acknowledge it. But it was right there, plainly visible.
Pregnant.
I let out a choked little sob and covered my mouth with my fist so nobody would hear. I was pretty sure I was the last girl in the changing room, but I didn’t want to risk it. I wrapped the test in some toilet paper and tossed it in the wastebasket before leaving the stall. I put on a brave face, splashing some water over my red-rimmed eyes.
I would just need to think about this rationally. It wasn’t the end of the world, right? I could get rid of it. My parents never needed to know. Or I could keep it. Or give it up for adoption. My life would change forever, but I’d have a little human being to share it with. There were so many possibilities my head pounded with the thought of them all.
I packed my things in a hurry and said goodbye to a distracted Madame, who just muttered something in response, busy with a visitor. Throwing all my things in my backpack, I made for the door, my fingers shakily holding my phone and deciding what to type in the text.
Hey. Can you meet me at the studio later?
I sent off the text and bit my lip nervously. Heading down into the underground station, I bumped into a family and scrambled back to my feet when the mom with her hands full knocked me over. She apologized profusely and made a fuss over me, but my eyes were focused on her kids. A little girl holding her hand and a baby boy she was pushing around in a pram
while the dad stood uselessly to the side. I stared at that baby with my eyes open wide, and then I bit my bottom lip, painfully digging my teeth into the skin.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, tearing away from their overpowering apologies, the soothing hands.
I needed to get away. I couldn’t stand another second next to them.
Stumbling onto a different platform, I got on the first tube that arrived. I only realized where I was a couple of stops later, I was shaking so badly. Scared and on the verge of tears from that simple human contact.
Once I realized where I was heading, I recognized the next stop as the station where Harlow usually got off when she went home. I’d only been to her place once, but in that moment, I had an overwhelming desire to go see her, tell her what was going on and explain my situation. Harlow would understand. She was a nice, kind girl. I trusted her.
I nearly fell when I got off the tube, and my hand flew to my belly on an impulse. It only made me sob again.
With some trouble, I managed to find Harlow’s building.
She was a good friend, just like I knew she would be. She didn’t say a word, just made me a cup of tea, and then told me all the right things I needed to hear.
Under the table, I kept checking my phone, and finally, an hour into my visit, I got a text back.
I’ll meet you now. Usual spot?
I wiped my nose with the sleeve of my shirt and got up, ready to leave. Harlow understood. Harlow was so very nice. I was lucky to have her.
One more tube ride and I was at the studio.
I crossed my arms in front of my body, trying to preserve some heat. It was a damn cold night.
I rounded the corner until I came into the back alley behind the studio. He was already there.
Looking at him again, I tried to reawaken every feeling I’d had for him inside myself. He was going to be the father of my baby, after all. Surely I had to feel something besides the blind attraction, the neediness of my body and the wetness between my legs when he touched me in all those hidden spots.
