by Shey Stahl
With some help from Landon’s manager, I’m able to make contact with a local agency who does the basic interview process for nannies like background checks and references checks. All we had to do was interview them and find out if they were a good fit for us. The first step was having them all sign nondisclosure agreements. I’m certainly familiar with them. I don’t know how many I’ve had women sign, including Alessa. Fuck, was she pissed the day he made her sign one, but with Landon, it’s imperative they do. You’d be surprised the shit women try to talk about after he dumps them.
And then I think about me. He’s never asked me to sign one. Ever. And he tells me everything. It means he trusts you, dumbass.
Anyway, I’m all excited about what I had dubbed Nannypalooza. The thought of having someone whose entire job is to attend to these kids and their needs, wants, and fits, has me almost giddy. In the short time they’ve been here, they’ve worn my ass down. I’m one hissy fit away from drugging their juice with sedatives just to get some quiet. Unfortunately, Nannypalooza turned into Nannyhell faster than my first time was over. And that’s saying something. It only lasted thirty-six seconds.
The agency sends four candidates. Three women and one man, and I’m quickly convinced someone leaked who was gonna be their employer because they all specifically ask about him by name. I’ll break down the afternoon for you by applicant. Just the important parts because I don’t want to bore you with the details.
Girl #1: I can’t even say girl. Think Rob Zombie meets Betty White. She is a seventy-year-old hippy woman with false teeth and a face tattoo who claims having dentures are useful because she can give better blow jobs without her teeth in. I shit you not. She even gave me a demonstration. Just in case I was unclear on how it worked... with a banana. I’ll never get that image out of my head again.
Girl #2: Girl looking for part-time job dressed in a schoolgirl outfit. Think Britney Spears meets Jenna Jameson (the porn years). During the interview, I notice she has something white in her hair. Like someone hocked a loogie in her hair. “You have something in your hair,” I point out, handing her a tissue. Maybe she’d come from watching kids… I know last week I had peanut butter in my hair for a good part of the day. But I’m not expecting her to laugh. “Oops. Hazard of the job.” Turns out, she’s a fluffer for a local porn production company. If you’re googling fluffer, to be fair, I didn’t know either. I looked it up on my phone as she was cleaning the goo out of her hair. She then follows that up with, “I can’t wait to work with children and shape future generations,” as she’s fucking cleaning jizz out of her hair in the kitchen sink.
Girl #3: Harry Potter fan. Think… well, an obsessed Harry Potter fan. She’s in her twenties with a very serious Harry Potter addiction. I mean she’s dressed in a robe and carries a wand in her purse. Before the interview even started, she asked me if I knew which houses the kids were sorted into. When I told her I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, she said it was okay. She had a sorting hat she could bring by, and we could find out. Apparently, she’s fine with Hufflepuff and Gryffindor and can deal with Ravenclaw, but she absolutely cannot work with a Slytherin, whatever the fuck that means. Are you confused? I sure am.
And finally, Guy #1: Nice-looking with tattoos. Good fucking God. Think Liam Hemsworth with a tat sleeve. He’s a special education teacher who’s going for his master’s degree and needs a job that has flexibility during the day for his class schedule. He specializes in kids who’ve suffered traumatic brain injuries. Immediately, Cat likes him. Oh, right, I didn’t tell you, but she was there to go through the entire interview from hell morning with me. Although, she didn’t seem as offended or affected as I was. Actually, now that I think about it, she seemed more amused than anything. Don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes Cat’s injury comes in handy. Her lack of ability to completely remember one moment to the next can protect her from the type of trauma these interviews caused me.
It’s then, while Kasen the nanny man is in the house that Landon decides to drag his ass out of bed.
“Who are you?” he asks, standing in the doorway with his arms defensively crossed over his chest. Also, I need to mention he’s not wearing a shirt and I can see the V. I repeat, the V. If you’re clueless and don’t know the V, it’s the road to the glory land, a path I’ve dreamed of following on him but so far have never allowed myself the pleasure of experiencing. And yes, I’m sure it would be a pleasure if the noises coming out of his bedroom over the last however many years is any indication.
Oh.
My.
Shit.
Are you staring? Pfft. Don’t deny it. I know you are. Hell, Cat and the man-nanny both are. My mouth dries as I take in his appearance and sculpted muscles. Goddamn, you’re so pretty. Let me lick your sharp V-line and ride on down to cockridge.
It’s the intensity of his eyes scorching me that makes my heart flop around in my chest like a fish getting hooked. I am hooked by him, have been for five fucking years.
“What the fuck is going on?”
I jump up, spill my coffee down the front of me in the process, and wave to Kasen. He watches me, studying me, and before I can stop myself, I blurt out words. “This is Kasen. He’s a manny. I mean nanny… uh, he’s here to job you.”
Did you get all that? Yeah, me either. It came out all wrong. Pumpkin fucker. Don’t look at me like that. They were the first words my brain could form. I can’t believe I’m at a loss for words.
Landon sends a grin of amusement my way, and I try to reciprocate it, but it fails. I can’t even process my thoughts let alone make them into words and gestures.
Inhaling a sharp breath, his vulnerability at having someone in his home he doesn’t know is evident. There’s so much more to Landon than everyone thinks. “He doesn’t look like a nanny.”
I turn back to Kasen, who hasn’t taken his eyes off Cat. “What’s a nanny look like?”
At the sound of my words or the kick to his shin I deliver, Kasen clears his throat, and stands, extending his hand to Landon. “It’s nice to officially meet you, Mr. Slade. And yes, I get that a lot. I assure you, I’ve been doing it for years. Raised my brothers and sisters, and now I’m studying to become a special education teacher.”
Landon shakes his hand, his grip firm and precise like he’s trying to tell this guy with his handshake to keep his eyes to himself. “Why special education?”
Now that Landon’s beside me, his shoulder brushes mine, his eyes drifting my way. I quickly look away. I’m looking at Cat because sadly, there’s a little bit of drool on the corner of her mouth as she stares at Kasen.
“My younger brother suffered a brain injury after being hit in the head with a baseball bat when he was ten,” Kasen tells him. “The aid who used to come to our house incorporated different types of stimuli to keep his attention, like music and art. He helped him regain a lot of his memory and inspired me to want to do the same. I want to make a positive impact on families who’ve suffered the same trauma.”
While Cat swoons—and I gush over how perfect Kasen is for the job—Landon doesn’t see it the same way. He looks pissed… or is that jealousy? I can’t tell by the clench of his jaw. What the hell is he thinking? Does he hate the guy?
“Kasen, the job will be mostly afternoons and evenings. I think I can handle the mornings.”
Leaning back on the couch, Cat bursts out laughing. “Ya sure about that, babe?”
I wave her off. “You hush.” Reaching for my folder on the coffee table, I hand Kasen the nondisclosure agreement. “I’ll need you to sign this as well. And on second thought, I’m gonna need some help with drop-off and pick-up to school.”
“Not a problem.” Kasen pulls out a pen and signs the agreement. “Will you be here during the day?”
“She’s busy with me during the day,” Landon’s quick to say.
I wave him off, too, slapping at his shoulder. “I’m here, yes. But I’ll be busy. I’m an artist, and there’s a fall
expo I’m trying to prepare for.”
“Really?” Kasen’s expression shifts. “Wow, that’s awesome. I’m looking forward to seeing your artwork.”
“You realize you’re here for the kids, not her,” Landon points out, crossing his arms over his chest. I can’t see his face, but I hear the command to his tone, the sheer confidence he possesses.
“Yeah, there’s five, right?”
I nod. “Yes. The oldest, Marley, is thirteen. Adler and Braylee are nine, and then there’s Haisley, who’s five, and Nalani is two.”
Don’t worry. I didn’t forget Nalani in all this. Don’t you see her? She’s sitting on Cat’s lap now, buck-ass naked again, and her diaper is on the coffee table next to the cheese and meat platter I set out for the interviews.
“Why is she naked?” Landon asks, whispering in my ear. It’s not what he asks; it’s how he asks it in a low throaty voice that sends my heart racing and my knees shaking.
“She likes to be naked,” I say, averting my gaze to the cheese and meat platter, rather than at Landon. I can’t look at him. Looking in his direction makes me think of the kiss and if I think about it, my cheeks will heat, and he’ll know I want him. “She covered herself in applesauce this morning.” It’s then I sneak a peek at Landon.
His eyes search the room and then land on me. Heat engulfs my lower regions. His gaze brushes over me, lingering on my lips.
Cat clears her throat. “So does Kasen have the job?”
I break away from Landon’s stare. “Yes, he does.” I twist to face Kasen. “If you want it.”
“Yeah,” he’s quick to say. “I do.”
“Don’t I have a say in any of this?” Landon asks, stepping around me so he’s at my side, facing me. He takes a step closer until he’s so close I can’t escape, and I’m backed against the wall. My eyes dart over his shoulder where, in the distance, Cat and Kasen are talking to Nalani. Thankfully, she has a blanket wrapped around her now.
I find the courage to look at Landon and instantly wish I hadn’t. I swallow the unexpected lump in my throat and then say, “No, not really. I always hire the help around here.”
I watch the roll in his throat as he swallows. His jaw hardens. “But I might want a say in it.”
“Why?”
“Because I need to know who’s hanging around here during the day.”
“Does it really matter?”
“Yes, it does.”
“Why?”
“He’s into you.”
“No, he’s not. And so what if he is?”
His lips press together, and after a few seconds of thought, he says, “He’s fired then.”
“You can’t fire him for simply being into me.”
He rolls his eyes like he’s frustrated that I’m not getting it. “Yes, yes I can.”
“Why?”
“Because whether you see it or not, you’re mine.”
My whole body sighs at his comment, like I’ve just sunken into a warm bath. “Is this about that kiss?” I fold my arms over my chest and watch as he inhales a breath, preparing to speak.
“You know it is.”
I try not to laugh, but his determination is as endearing as it is annoying. Much like everything about him. “Landon….”
A languid smile stretches across his mouth. “Don’t Landon me. You’re giving me a chance this time. For five goddamn years, you’ve pushed me away thinking you’re not good enough.” I start to object, but he silences me with his fingertips. “Don’t even try to correct me. I know you better than you think. But not this time. You’re letting me take you on a real fuckin’ date.” He reaches behind him and pulls out what looks to be tickets. “Tomorrow night.”
I peek at them, curious, and once again, I lose the ability to form words. “How’d you get tickets to The Hunna?” Landon knows they’re my favorite band, and while he rarely listens to that kind of music, he did this for me. So I can give him one night, can’t I?
“Quinn hooked me up with them.”
I take the tickets in my hand. “Fine.” My heart flutters in my chest. “One date.”
A satisfied grin creeps over him. “It’s going to be the best night of your fuckin’ life.”
#terrifiedAF
Square In – A pass route where the receiver runs straight downfield and then turns at a 90-degree angle to the middle of the field.
A date. Tonight. She’s going on a date with me. But first I want to get to know this Kasen fucker to make sure once practice starts up tomorrow, I won’t have to worry.
Fuck that, I will worry, but at least I’ll have an idea as to what I’m worrying about.
I make mistakes. Surprised? Don’t be. Since I joined #teamdad, they happen daily. Like today. I have the bright, awful idea of taking the kids to the park with Ember, Cat, and the new guy, Kasen. To be honest, I want to keep an eye on this new dude and make sure he’s not moving in on Ember while I’m gone.
And you’re probably thinking, he’s not going to make a move with you around. You’d be surprised how bold guys can sometimes be.
My first mistake? Well, it wasn’t exactly a mistake, and there’s no way to lead into this, so I’m just gonna cut to the chase.
I had to buy maxi pads.
Yes, sanitary napkins for Marley. And you’re probably wondering what the fuck the big deal about it is.
Okay, fair question. And I’m gonna tell you.
To address the first issue, not only did Cat tell me Marley was riding the White Horse, she made me deal with it. If you don’t know what that means, don’t worry. I didn’t either and had to Urban Dictionary it. Go ahead, look it up while I deal with my shit.
Actually, I’m going to just tell you because it’s some crazy shit. The term “Riding the white horse” came from the tradition of women who began menstruating being of age to get married. They were then paraded through town on the back of a white horse which signified their virginity and purity. It was to show they were now women and open for courting by potential suitors.
Nope. There’d be no parading, purity, or virgin stealing courting happening any time soon. Fuck that shit. In fear, I googled chastity belts, only to be alarmed they made them for men, too.
Honestly, I had a panic attack “dealing” with it, but that’s not even the worst part. The zit-faced teenage boy at the counter was the one who made a big deal out of it because he requested a “price check” on them and announced it over the intercom. Classic move on his part to further my embarrassment. I like to think I handled it well when I grabbed him by the tie and said, “Keep the fuckin’ change,” and handed him a hundred-dollar bill, took my sanitary napkins and bolted. One might think, dude, douche move. I’d argue that. Not sure how just yet, but I’m going to go ahead and agree to disagree with you. That little Clean & Clear shit had it coming. I’d also like to point out, I’ve been asked not to return to the Walgreens on Broadway, but whatever. They were constantly out of the condoms I like anyway. Fuck ’em.
My second mistake? Waking Nalani up from her nap. You’d think she’d be happy since she slept for two hours. I know I’d be happy if I had a nap in the middle of the day, but nope. Not this kid. She wakes up like a Chucky-doll version of herself, letting out a feral holler I’ve never heard before while I place her in the car seat. By “place,” I mean force her rigid body into the seat and quickly strap her in. And then continue that for the entire drive to the park.
I even had Haisley give her my phone hoping maybe that’d calm her down. Nope. She tossed the motherfucker right out the open window.
After pulling over, retrieving my phone with the crack down the middle of the screen, we pull into the park, and I’m thinking the fresh fall air might calm her down.
Wrong. So very wrong. It starts when Ember and Kasen decide to get coffee so she can go over some details on the kids’ schedule.
“Where are you going?” I ask, alarmed they’re walking away from us. This was supposed to be a family outing, and here she’
s bailing on me. But then I think, no, this wasn’t a family outing. This was my brilliant fucking idea to get to know Kasen better, and here he’s making friendly with my girl.
“We’re going to get some coffee across the street.” Ember points to the Starbucks. “Want an Americano?”
“Yes.” Call me an asshole, but I glare at Kasen just so he knows, that’s my girl he’s standing next to.
“I want a caramel apple cider!” Haisley shouts from the slide.
“Me too!” Cat adds, going down the slide with her.
And then they begin to walk away. I don’t like it. Not even a little bit.
“He doesn’t like me much,” Kasen notes as he’s walking away, keeping step with Ember, yet I still hear the fucker loud and clear.
She laughs. “It’s not you. He doesn’t like anyone.”
I call bullshit on it. They left me alone with Cat and the kids as a test.
Everything’s fine for something like twenty minutes and Nalani’s cries have slowed to a slow hiccup. Things are looking better, right? Do you see the twins? Yeah, me neither, but that’s not the scary part. They always show back up eventually. They disappear all the time. Do you see Haisley swinging next to the little girl with pigtails? She’s content to have a friend her age. Now, let’s focus on Marley. Do you see her standing near the fence with her cell phone in hand and talking to the kid with his jeans around his ankles?
Yeah, me too. No fucking way am I allowing this to continue. She’s too young for boys. Hauling Nalani with me, we approach the two teenagers to ruin their little park romance.
