“There is no you and me. I…” He took another step back until he bumped into the railing post.
She quickly covered the short distance, planting herself so he couldn’t easily leave. “If that’s how you feel, so be it. But I wanted you to realize how I feel.”
“I know. Now I need to go.” He started to push past her.
She moved into his path. “No, you don’t know it all. And the least you can do for me is to listen until I’m through.”
He inhaled a deep breath.
She felt the glare of his eyes boring into her although darkness now cloaked the porch totally. “When I came back to Cimarron City, I discovered you were still living here and a doctor. At first I didn’t realize you were the pediatrician for Stone’s Refuge, but when I discovered that, I considered leaving. I didn’t see how I could work with the man who killed my brother.”
“It does seem unbelievable.” Sarcasm inched into his voice as he tried to distance himself as much as she allowed.
“Have you forgotten what Christ has taught us? To forgive those who trespass against us?”
“Yeah, but—”
“But, nothing.” She gripped his arms. “I have forgiven you for what happened to Kevin. It was an accident.”
His muscles beneath her palms bunched.
“You’re a good man who deserves to really live his life. You’ve paid dearly over the years for the wreck. Don’t you think it’s time you stop beating yourself up over it?”
“Because you say so?”
She thrust her face close to his. “Yes!”
For a long moment tension continued to pour off him, then as if he had shut down his emotions, he closed himself off. “Is that all?”
All! She nodded, her heart climbing up into her throat.
“May I leave now?”
“Yes.” She backed away from him.
It didn’t matter to him that she had forgiven him. He couldn’t forgive himself.
The sound of his footfalls crossing the porch bombarded her. This was the end.
She couldn’t let him walk away without trying one more time to make him understand. “Jacob.”
He kept walking toward his vehicle.
“Jacob, stop!”
He halted, his hand about to open the car door. The stiff barrier of his stance proclaimed it was useless for her to say anything. He wouldn’t really hear.
She had to try anyway.
Hannah hurried toward him, praying he didn’t change his mind and leave. She positioned herself next to him, hoping he would look at her.
He stared over the roof of the car into the distance. The lamplight that illuminated the sidewalk to the house cast a golden glow over them. She could make out the firm set to his jaw and the hard line of his mouth slashing downward.
“When I realized I’d finally forgiven you for what had happened to Kevin, I was free for the first time in twenty-one years. That’s what forgiveness can do for you. Let it go.”
He cocked his head to the side. “And just when did you decide to forgive me?”
“It wasn’t a sudden revelation. But I knew when you took care of me and the children during the strep outbreak.”
“And all the time before that?”
“I was fighting my growing feelings for you.”
“And you lost.”
“I don’t look at it as losing. I want to see where our relationship can lead.”
“Nowhere, Hannah. Nowhere. So why waste our time?” He wrenched open the door and climbed inside his car.
A few seconds later the engine roared to life, and Jacob sped away. As the taillights disappeared from view, she vowed she wouldn’t give up on him.
Hannah leaned against the wall in the back of the rec room at the nursing home as the children began their play about the birth of Jesus. She scanned the crowd one more time, hoping she had overlooked Jacob, but he was nowhere in the audience. Her gaze fell upon Lisa in the front row with Cathy and she was glad that at least Andy had his mother at the play. But no Jacob, although he had promised the kids he would be at their production, via a phone call to Terry. Jacob hadn’t been at the house in a week. He was avoiding her. She didn’t need it written in the sky to know what Jacob was doing. She’d even thought briefly—very briefly—that maybe one of the children would get sick and she would have to take them to see Dr. Jacob.
Not having dated much, she wasn’t sure what to do now. She missed him terribly. She hadn’t realized how much until day three and she had reached for the phone at least ten times to call him. She hadn’t, but the desire to had been so strong she had shaken with it.
Laura slid into place next to her and whispered, “He’ll be here. He doesn’t break a promise to the kids.”
“There’s always a first time.” Hannah checked her watch for the hundredth time. “He has one minute before Susie and Terry appear as Mary and Joseph.”
No sooner had she said Joseph than Jacob slipped into the room and eased into a chair in the back row at the other end of the room from where she was. Hannah straightened, folding her arms across her body.
Laura turned her head slightly toward her and cupped her hand over her mouth. “I told you he would be here.”
“Shh. The play is about to start. I don’t want to miss a word of it.”
“Who are you kidding? You’ve heard the lines until I’m sure you can recite every one of them.”
Hannah really tried to follow the children as they reenacted the story of the birth of Christ, but she continually found herself drawn back to Jacob, his strong profile a lure she couldn’t resist. She came out of her trance when one of the lambs escaped and charged down the aisle toward the door by Jacob, baaing the whole way. The play stopped, and everyone twisted around in his seat to follow the animal’s flight. Dressed in a gray suit, Jacob sprang to his feet and blocked its path to freedom, tackling it to the floor, its loud bleating echoing through the room.
“Got her.” Jacob struggled to stand with the squirming animal fighting the cage of his arms.
As though the first lamb had signaled a mass bolt for all the animals, the other one broke free, probably because the young boy holding him had let go. Then the two dogs, portraying donkeys, up until this point perfectly content to sit by their handlers, chased after the second sheep. Kids scattered in pursuit of their fleeing pets.
Shocked at how quickly everything had fallen apart, Hannah watched the pandemonium unfold, rooted to her spot in the back along the wall. Then out of the corner of her eye, she saw a dog dart past her. She dived toward the mixed breed and captured it. Thankfully the mutt was more cooperative than Jacob’s lamb. Taking the large dog by his collar, she led it back to the front where Peter was trying to bring some kind of order to the chaos.
Sprinkles of laughter erupted from the audience until all the elders joined in. One woman with fuzzy gray hair in the front row laughed so hard tears were running down her rouged cheeks, streaking her makeup.
“I think the show is over,” Hannah said, clipping a leash on the dog she had.
“At least they were near the end.” Jacob put his lamb down but held the rope tightly. “I’m not tackling this one again.”
Hannah gave Jacob the leash then held up her hands to try and quiet the audience while Peter, Laura and Meg gathered the rest of the animals and the kids. Several times she attempted to say, “If everyone will quiet down,” but that was as far as she got because no one was listening.
“Remember laughter is the best medicine.” Jacob struggled to keep the lamb next to him.
Five minutes later only after Hannah whistled, the last strains of laughter died but whispering among the residents and children began to build. She quickly said, “There are refreshments in the lobby. The children made them.”
The word refreshments sparked the interest of several elders in the front, and they started moving toward the exit.
Slowly the rec room emptied with Laura and Meg taking the children who were servin
g the food.
Peter took one of the lambs and headed for the door. “I’ll be back for the others.”
That left Hannah and Jacob trying not to look at each other. Unsuccessful, she finally stepped into his line of vision. “We should talk.”
He swung his gaze to her. “I’m not ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready now that I know who you are.”
“You make it sound like I’ve changed somehow. That I’m a different person. I’m still Hannah Smith. That’s my legal name now. Not Hannah Collins.”
“And every time I look at you I see Kevin. I should have seen the resemblance. You have the same hair and eyes.”
“Like millions of others.”
He started to say something when Peter reentered the room. “I can help you with your animals.” Jacob lifted the lamb into his arms, then tugging on the dog leash, walked toward his friend.
“Me, too.” Hannah led her mutt along behind Jacob.
“I’ll get the props,” Peter called out.
Hannah barely heard the man, she was so intent on catching up with Jacob. She reached him in the parking lot at Peter’s truck. He hoisted the lamb into its crate, then the dog. After taking care of the animals, Jacob stepped around Hannah and started to make his way back inside. She stopped him with a hand on his arm.
“Jacob—”
“Why did you tell me you were Kevin’s sister?” His question cut her off.
And knocked the breath from her. The streetlight accentuated the harsh planes of his face, but distress rang in his voice. “Because I didn’t want any secrets between us. You had shared yours. I had to.”
“I feel like I’m reliving that night all over again.”
She squeezed his arm as though to impart her support. “I didn’t tell you to put you through that.”
“What did you think I was going to do?”
“I don’t know. But it was the right thing to do.”
“For you.”
She peered toward the building and saw Peter emerge. Through the floor-to-ceiling windows Hannah glimpsed the children playing host to the residents, serving them the refreshments and talking with them.
“The kids missed you this week. They’ve gotten used to you coming to see them a lot. Please don’t stay away because of me.”
Jacob shifted away from her. “I’ve been especially busy. It’s flu season.”
“They wanted me to ask you to Sunday dinner tomorrow.”
Jacob closed his eyes for a few seconds. “I can’t.” He strode away, not toward the nursing home but toward his car.
Her legs weak, Hannah leaned back against Peter’s truck as the man came up with a box full of props.
“What’s wrong with Jacob?” Peter slid the items into the bed of his pickup.
“I think I’ve ruined everything.”
Chapter Twelve
“Dr. Jacob, you came!” Andy launched himself at Jacob and hugged him. “We’ve missed you.”
“Where’s Hannah? How’s she feeling?” Jacob walked into the cottage, the scent of a roast spicing the air. His stomach rumbled its hunger.
“She’s in her office,” Susie said, looking too cheerful for someone who was concerned about Hannah’s health.
“Office?” The way the twelve-year-old had described it on the phone to him half an hour ago, Hannah was dragging herself around the house, refusing to go to a doctor but desperately needing to see one. Reluctantly, he had agreed to come see what he could do.
Susie shrugged. “You know Hannah. She doesn’t stop working for anything.”
Knowing the way, Jacob headed back to Hannah’s office. Before rapping on the door, he peered back at the end of the hallway and met several pairs of eyes watching him. The kids ducked back around the corner.
He knocked and waited for Hannah to invite him in. When half a minute passed and there wasn’t a reply, he tapped his knuckles against the wood harder. Concerned, he decided to give her a couple more seconds before he went in without an invitation.
“Come in,” a sleepy voice murmured from inside the room.
He inched the door open and peeped around it to find Hannah with her legs propped up in the lounger and only one dim lamp to illuminate the office. She blinked several times, as though disorientated, and straightened the chair to its upright position.
“Jacob, why are you here?” Drowsiness coated each word.
He slipped inside, aware of the children’s whispering voices down the hall.
“Susie called and told me you weren’t feeling well and wouldn’t go see a doctor. She sounded very concerned, so I reassured her you would be all right. She wouldn’t believe me until I agreed to come check you out.” He crossed the room, pulling behind him a lattice-back chair to sit in. “What’s wrong?”
She scrunched up her forehead, then rubbed her fingers across it. “Just a headache. Nothing serious and Susie knew that. I took some pills and came in here to close my eyes until they started working. I must have fallen asleep.”
“Then you’re okay? No fatal disease?”
She chuckled. “Not that I know of.”
“I think Susie should take up acting lessons. She had me convinced you were at death’s door.”
“I appreciate the concern, but I’m fine. Well, except the headache isn’t totally gone. Nothing I can’t handle, though.” She sent him a smile that went straight to his heart and pierced through the armor he had around it.
“Then if you’re all right, I’ll be heading home.” He started to stand.
“What time is it?”
Weary from many sleepless nights and long days at work, he sank back down and looked at his watch. “Six.”
“Stay for dinner. I think what’s really behind this little incident is that the kids miss you and want to see you more.” Her gaze bored into him. “And so do I.”
“To tell you the truth I’ve missed…coming here.” He’d missed seeing the children but most of all Hannah. Yet how could he be with her, knowing who she really was? This woman had haunted his dreams lately. It was hard to look at her and not remember Kevin.
“I’m not going away. You need to learn to deal with my presence. Don’t let the children suffer because of the past. When I first came to Stone’s Refuge, I had to do the same thing. And I did.”
He released a slow breath. “You play hardball.”
She scooted to the edge of the lounger. “On occasion. When it’s important.”
“And this is important?”
“Yes.”
He agreed—not just because of the children but because of the woman whose smile played havoc with his heart. Although there was no way he could now see a future with Hannah, maybe he could find a compromise and be her friend, especially if there were always kids around them.
He rose at the same time she did and nearly collided with her. Backing away quickly, he offered her a grin, hoping he appeared nonchalant when he didn’t feel in the least that way. “Then I’ll stay for dinner.”
“No doubt Andy will want you to read him a bedtime story. He has a lot to tell you about him and his mother. She comes out here when she’s not working and helps around the cottage.”
“Noah’s told me she’s doing a good job at the restaurant.”
“She’s hoping to move out of the halfway house soon.”
“What’s the next step for her and Andy?” Jacob strode to the door but didn’t open it yet.
“Once Lisa gets her own place, Andy will stay with her overnight, and we’ll see how that goes.”
“I hope for his sake that you’re right about Lisa, but be careful. It doesn’t take much for a drug addict to backslide.” He hurriedly pushed away the memories of his own mother’s downward spiral. Hopefully Lisa and his mother were different.
“Mom, let me help you with your bags.” Masking her surprise behind a smile, Hannah opened the front door wider and scooped up one of the pieces of luggage. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Why didn’t you
return my calls? was the question she really wanted to ask but not in the foyer where someone could overhear their conversation.
“I wasn’t sure until a few days ago, and then I just decided to surprise you.”
“How long are you staying?”
Karen Collins chuckled. “You know me. I never travel lightly. The weather in Oklahoma can be so unpredictable. It could snow one day and be warm and sunny the next.” Her mother came into the cottage. “Hon, once when I lived here I can remember the weather dropping forty degrees in half a day. So where do I stay?”
“In my bedroom. I’ll show you, then I’ll introduce you to the kids. They’re in the kitchen helping Meg with the Christmas cookies for the birthday party for Jesus tonight at the church.”
“All eight of them?”
“Yes, it’s a big kitchen.” Hannah walked down the hall to her bedroom door and pushed it open to allow her mother to go inside first.
“And this is a nice-sized room, too.”
“My bathroom is through there.” Hannah pointed toward the entrance on the other side of the large bed. “I also have an office off the kitchen.”
“And you like living here with eight children?”
“I love it.” For the first time in years Hannah felt as if she had put down roots. To her the cottage was her home.
Her mother lifted her bag onto the king-size bed and opened it. “Where do I put my things?” When Hannah glanced from one piece of luggage to the other, Karen hurriedly added, “I’ll only unpack part of my clothes.”
“Well, in that case I have enough space in my closet, and I can clear out a drawer for you in the dresser.”
“I know how much you’ve wanted kids in your life. Any prospects of a husband?” Hannah’s mom hung up a dress and started back toward the bed.
As though they hadn’t talked about Jacob at all, her mother as usual was avoiding the real issue and probably why she was here in the first place. “Yes, there is a man I’m interested in.” Dread encased Hannah in a cold sweat.
Karen peered up at her as she shook out a shirt. “You are? That’s wonderful. Who?”
Heart of the Family Page 15
