Mountain of Full Moons

by Irene Kessler

  “You were fault-finding again. Picture saying kind words to yourself and how it makes you feel.” He waits. “Now place the compassion for that boy inside of you.

  I close my eyes. “I am content, as if someone wiped me clean. Showing kindness to yourself was not practiced in my tribe but I am willing to consider it.”

  “You are not with your tribe. As to your other question, you are a member of a society where women are not considered intelligent. You needed approval. It is no wonder you wanted Baal to confirm your work. Know when you do well and consider approving yourself.” A delightful green color trails after him as he lifts up to join the other clouds.

  My tribe was sure of working without end. While it is necessary, it also made them appear cold and distant. There was no tempering with softness, especially for oneself. Learning to give myself a positive reply may be difficult but Sandalphon said it is my way forward. It would be wonderful if it means more beautiful words will flow for my songs.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  All my early chores are done, and I am ready to leave. Kotharat stops me. “You are not finished. From now on you will clean the vegetable keep.”

  She is well aware this keeps me from going to class. Is this a punishment for using up the food? I work harder and am still unable to please her. When she releases me I run as fast as I can to escape the clouds overhead and be on time for class. Abram will be annoyed if I am late. Something makes me start. A tree cracked and crashed to the ground. Rain may be coming. I move faster in case I am right. I hope it will pass by. I do not want to get soaked.

  The problem Abram put to us last time darts into my head. “We must reflect on and question who we are. That is the most important knowledge we can gain. Knowledge of ourselves brings wisdom. Then we can study other things.”

  The whole class was confused. “What does he mean?” “If one is what one is, what else do we need to know?” they asked each other. Their questions caused more confusion and Abram would not say more and dismissed us.

  My voice arrives, colors twinkling like the stars. “Ah, we have a matter to discuss.”

  “Yes, but I am going to be late for class.”

  “There will be enough time.”

  “What do you think about Abram’s question?” Sandalphon does not answer. “Abram talked about knowing yourself and posed questions like why do I do what I do, want what I want, where am I going and what will I do with this knowledge? I have no idea how to answer, and my head is about to burst.” I decide to sit and listen to Sandalphon.

  “Yes, Elisha?”

  “What am I to do with this? Me, a young woman from the country who came here with no education and only you to help.”

  “First, stop making excuses. You are countless cubits ahead of yourself. What is the first question?”

  “Who am I?”

  The cloud comes closer. “What is your answer? Listen to your body and think.”

  “I am a daughter, a young woman, I try to be a friend, and now a seeker of knowledge. But is that all I am?”

  “Think and I will wait.”

  “A lover of nature and beauty and maybe Resheph, and singing, and composing, and a man who speaks to the Holy Spirit is teaching me.” Sandalphon knows what is in my head and is aware of my thoughts about Resheph. If I spoke from the boasting place in me, he would not approve.

  “I am glad you were honest about your friend. And you did not boast.” His colors twinkle faster, as if he is laughing at his little joke.

  My spirits lift a bit. “I would like to be wise like Abram, but how much wisdom can I have at my age and coming from a poor village?”

  “You are here to absorb a different way of seeing life and people. And how you wish to be as a person. Do not expect this knowledge to become part of you in a moment. When you have the knowing remember, the gentle spokeswoman is the one whose words are heard.”

  “Why gentle? Because I am a woman?”

  “Because the listener must be more attentive.”

  I smile. “I like that. Let me say how pleased I am to be here and learn. I am sorry for not saying it right away.”

  “There will be more ideas in the future, so I will leave you with a question. What makes your soul vibrant as if it shimmers and is strong?”

  My brow wrinkles. “My soul? I never thought about that. I do have some ideas I grasp and did not expect to. Is that wisdom?”

  The cloud rocks from side to side. “It is possible. Ponder not on wisdom but on your soul and what makes your spirit happy and consider composing more songs.”

  He is gone. An idea lights me like an oil lamp. He is saying my songs and my soul are connected. Maybe they will be my way for the whole world to hear Abram’s words. Are we supposed to do what we love? That would be astounding and everyone would be happy. Abram said music is my passion. It would be wonderful if it is true.

  Sandalphon did not help me clear my head about the work and except for being late, the morning goes well. I did what Abram asked. But when the sun is high, I find myself running out of Melchizedek’s house. I need to escape from the embarrassment burning hot on my cheeks. The whole group made fun of my question, “If all comes from God, is pain also from Him?”

  Resheph rolled with glee, the loudest of all, and so did Adi, the beautiful one. She always copies what the men do. The fault lies with my task masters, Sandalphon and Abram. They put me in this position. They know how I struggle and now I convinced every one of my stupidity.

  Inside me are rippling currents that will not let me sit. I am grateful no one is here. Do I go home or back to Melchizedek? If I knew how to read and write, the learning might come faster.

  I go down the lane and sit on a rock to calm myself. The question I asked about pain was not stupid, no matter what they think.

  “Elisha?” The voice surprises me. Resheph is here and I turn away. “What is wrong with you? Must Abram send me to find you?”

  “I will not talk to you.” How I long to be a cloud or unseen like Abram’s Holy Spirit.

  “Abram said to tell you he will discuss pain for the last class.”

  I want to make a fist and hit him. “Why did you laugh at me?”

  “I did not laugh.”

  “Yes, you did. There was nothing else to laugh at.”

  “It was funny at the time. The class laughed and I chuckled.”

  The way he shifts his feet says he lied. “You were the only one to point your finger at me and roar louder as I ran out.”

  “That was someone else. Why did you run?”

  He tries to confuse me. “You know. You were there.” He no longer fools me. But we live in the same home. And I need to stay. “I made a fool of myself and you made everything worse. That is what happened.”

  “Are you upset because I am here?”

  The worry on his face brings me misery. “No.” I do not sound reassuring. “I am annoyed with myself for my dullness.” Can it be? Someone else pointed their finger?

  “You are too hard on yourself, and you are not dull. I would not like you so much if you were.” His eyes are on mine and he lifts my chin to peer into them. “You are a talented young woman. You make wondrous songs and sing them with heart. Your singing sends shivers through me as if it heals me with its touch. Do you not realize that?”

  What I realize is that what he said is not true. He heard only one song, but the expression on his face makes heat rise and course through me. “You are saying silly things because you like me.” I watch his face.

  “Now you are being stupid. Liking your song has nothing to do with whether I like you. The work we are doing with Abram is difficult even for a scholar.”

  I am surprised. “Do you mean that?”

  “Yes, I do. I understand your frustration, but I do not understand why. Something is wrong with you. Study. Like I do.”

  “Somehow that is difficult for me. Can you help?” He is the best student so he should know.

  Resheph’s eyes are angry.
“You are here for a purpose. To learn. Learning does not need to be perfect.”

  “I want to understand it all right away.”

  “Maybe you will.”

  I steal a glance at him. “Can you teach me to read and write?”

  “I waited for you to be ready. Abram taught us. He learned when he lived in Sumer. We can begin after sundown.”

  “Why was I not invited to the class?”

  “He taught us in between his ramblings with Melchizedek before you arrived. Abram wished for you to recover from your trip and have time to settle into this new life. That is why I waited for you to ask. Do not worry, you will learn well.”

  My heart is full. My arms wish to hug him, my lips to relish my first kiss. “You and your family give me much. How can I repay the kindness?”

  “No payment is necessary. We opened our house to a guest, and we are the ones receiving the gifts.”

  “You are too generous.”

  “Let us go back to class.”

  We go inside and my heart fills with sadness. A moment before, I was happy. Both my throat and chest tighten. Resheph cannot help with my problem about learning. Am I mistaking his behavior? He wavers back and forth, seems to want to reveal his intent, but then words disappear and he is willing to consider one thing. Class work. His messages never agree.

  A walk after class might help me to understand Abram’s lesson. The funny lopsided path where the houses were built first and the lane tracks their direction is the long way home. That gives my body time to inform me of what bothers me. My chest is weighty as if I will soon be ill.

  “Sandalphon, I need you. Please come.”

  “You are troubled.”

  “Is it Resheph or studies that bother me? He almost spoke of his love for me and what he knows I am feeling, but then . . .”

  “Is that so?”

  “I am not imagining he cares for me.”

  “You might be wrong.”

  I shake my head. “No. It cannot be. It pours out of him and wraps me in a glow. I would not make that up. But what keeps him from speaking? Does he not like what I do yet does not say so?”

  “What if he has his own reasons?”

  I ponder the message. “It is possible.”

  “Is there a truth you are not facing?”

  “What truth?”

  “The reality of what was spoken.”

  “What was . . . Oh. I am Hebrew?”

  “Correct.”

  I move about unable to settle down. “My great love for Resheph will change his way of thinking.”

  “You have a leaf to eat. Now we must clarify intuition. It does not come from the head, though you may receive the message there. Insight comes from what you allow yourself to become aware of and is one of the feminine strengths.”

  “I was wrong.”

  “Remember Eve.”

  He is gone. What is all this about Eve? I do not want to be near Resheph if he does not feel the same. That would be torture and too much to ask.

  I go from happiness to devastation when he ignores me. Abram would say, ‘’You must have patience and focus on your own growth. Consent to having the angels send your heart’s desires.” He would also say Holy spirit, but I do not.

  I no longer yearn to go back to my family. I am like a branch growing out of the soil but bending toward the ground instead of the sky. This branch is separate, not part of the tree, alone and spent, with no energy to lift itself. Yet its flowers are blooming in the cycle of life and hope.

  Sandalphon would say we do not know Resheph’s intentions. That may be true, but I behave in response to what he says and does. I grab a fistful of hair and shove the ends in my mouth.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  The last meal of the sun cycle is filled with stories of the goings-on and gossip of the city. It is a placid evening. I try to sleep but my talk with Sandalphon keeps me awake. Why did he say it was my leaf to eat in that way? I did not understand his advice. Love can conquer the fact I am Hebrew. I was born that way.

  The swaying of my curtain and the ripples from someone passing or fingers moving it sets me on alert. Resheph is going by. He is the only one who would do that, and his step is heavier than his Abba’s. He clears his throat. It is on purpose.

  I want to rip away the curtain that keeps me from him. I run to it and wait. A great joy runs through me and flutters like a sunbird drinking its fill. He walks by, without hesitation, and says nothing. He makes no other sound. He will never say the words I long to hear. What is left of the night is spent sleepless and fighting with the cover.

  There is no obvious reason for the house to be peaceful during the next three suns. I hear no demands, no arguments, no bellowing or screeching. On the last evening, I arrive home late from class. Kotharat is angry. She finished making the evening meal.

  “Where were you? Why were you not here to cook?”

  “I am sorry, Abram delayed me. Resheph will also be late. Abram had a new lesson for me, and it took him a while to explain it.”

  “I have much to do and that does not include your responsibilities.” She goes out to the garden.

  She did not fight with me. I did not tell her I took some time for studying. If my reason concerns Abram, she accepts it.

  I collect the jugs and run down the side of the route toward the spring. I cannot get Resheph out of my head. The lady of the house across the lane waves and I return the gesture with a nod. Why does he tease? To what end? Does he wish to bed and not marry me? His behavior is confusing. I join the long line of women waiting at the well.

  Weary of Resheph, reflections on Eve’s story returns. She was blamed for what went wrong because she ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. Who would not seek knowledge? Most females receive no learning. Is that not why I am here? Why is cleverness wicked?

  The line is longer than usual. As I wait my turn, a girl up ahead stares in my direction. “Does everyone know about Resheph?” Her voice is loud enough to scare away the animals. “His father and mine are discussing my bridal gift. And there is another Resheph’s father is bartering with but not the abba of the guest at his house.”

  The women turn, laugh, and wait for me to retort. I wish there was a hole I could disappear into. My skin burns as if I am in the middle of a cook fire. I command my limbs to do their duty and hold me up. My ears ring with their laughter. I hold myself straight and tall without a flicker of emotion crossing my face. When the jugs are filled, I race back to the house.

  The jugs are in place, and I am ready to go to my mat. My mother could be strict and sometimes unforgiving, but she would never be as cruel as that girl.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Kotharat left before dawn to go to her friend. That leaves me to prepare the meal. It will not be difficult for she will not be at my side watching. Mix the barley in boiling water, stir until the mixture is thick enough. Then add the right amount of fat.

  They ask for more and the request warms my heart. I smile and do not share my secret. A bit of salt made its way into the pot. The tiniest speck because of the lack and high cost. If Kotharat was here she would complain, “The morning meal should be the usual and plentiful bread and fruit.” This family is lucky. There is always something to eat.

  Baal and Resheph go to the bake stall to gather goods to set up at the marketplace. There is enough for Kotharat to eat before she meets them there.

  The fact that I impressed them makes me proud. Is that bad? Should I ponder on it? Abram went to be with his beloved Sarai, so we are free. He will return on the morrow. Will that be the right time to ask about my problem?

  My wish is to make up another song. Instead, Nikkal and I busy ourselves with cleaning and manage to put the whole place in order. We make the house shine like the stars. That way Kotharat will have nothing to complain about.

  Our work done, we decide to go to the garden and enjoy the weather before picking out what vegetables to use for the late meal. We run out of conversation. The sile
nce embarrasses me. I need to ask her something but do not want to start with that.

  “I never answered your question about my name.” My account is not as detailed as what I told Resheph.

  When I finish, Nikkal is smiling. “That was an unusual journey. Do many people ask you about it?”

  “Not many, but a few.” I wait. “May I ask you another question?”

  “Of course.”

  “Why is Resheph not betrothed? He is of age.”

  “Why do you ask?”

  “A young woman at the spring said your Abba is bartering with the fathers of two women for a betrothal ceremony.”

  Nikkal laughs. “Women always say that.”

  “She spoke with sureness.”

  “I would advise you to stay away from that issue.”

  “Why?”

  “My brother is a fine-looking man. There are many women who are attracted to him. Abram will soon continue his journey, and Resheph will study with Melchizedek until his learnings are complete. He wants to be the next Melchizedek and is not ready for a family. You should not get caught up with him.”

  “Does my interest show?”

  “To those who are alert.”

  “I understand if he is not ready, but why do you warn me away? It would be fun to be your sister.” Nikkal looks at the floor.

  “My brother has his own ideas about women and how they should be treated. I would not wish to be a part of that.”

  Her words are confusing. “You make him sound evil. Can you explain?”

  “I can but will not.”

  I do not believe her.

  Nikkal leaves for the market, she wants to barter for a new shawl. I ask for Sandalphon and bring up the difficulties with Resheph.

  “We must undertake another matter first.”

  “But he confuses me and Nikkal spoke as if he is evil.”

  “I am afraid I must insist. Trust me.”