But James deserved to know. “I can’t say that…but when I tell you you’re a nice guy, when I say you’re kind…I’m really telling you.” She had to stop to breathe and coax her heart out of arrhythmia; if it beat any faster, it would be vibrating. Why was this so hard? “That is me telling you what you mean to me. I am aware how stupid it sounds. But that is my way of telling you… Those are the words that are special to me, to us. Those are the words that mean something to me. Shit, it sounds even stupider when I say it out loud. They are my dysfunctional equivalent.”
Why wasn’t he saying anything? She silently begged him to say something. Anything. But he just stared at her with narrowed eyes. Eventually a slow grin spread across his face, his mossy eyes shining. “You said it first!” He leaned down and kissed her. “The first time you spent the whole night with me, you said it. I remember because you sounded so pissed about it. You were so angry that I was nice. You said it first!”
Megan did not bother denying it. She had said it first and she had meant it. “Ofcourse I was angry. I didn’t want to feel that way. That was not what this was supposed to me about. So yeah, I was totally pissed about it. It certainly complicated things and no matter what I do, I can’t stop feeling it. The more I know you, the nicer you become. I didn’t know it was even possible for me to think someone was so nice.” The words were finally out and she did not want to take them back. The words, like her, were safe with James.
“Oh my little wombat, you’re a really nice guy too, so nice that I want to kiss you.” James leaned in and captured her mouth in a soft kiss. He was saying he loved her and it was OKbecause for the first time, maybe ever, she felt loved. But when he pulled back a pensive look marred his dark features.
“There’s more,” James began. He reached for her hand and led her back to the bed. She sat down beside him. What else could there possibly be? James knew everything; every dark corner of her heart had been exposed. “It’s about Ben. My investigator called today while I was in Mississippi. The police have opened a homicide investigation. They have spoken to his brother in Detroit who told him that Seth was working on a story that would be very damning for Ben McCoy. His source tells him there should be an arrest very soon. This will be all over the papers. I can’t stop it even if I tried. But I wouldn’t. A man is dead. Someone needs to be held accountable.”
Megan nodded. Part of her knew this was coming, it felt inevitable since she found the bottle of oxy in Ben’s medicine cabinet. There was nothing left for her to do. The only option left was to find the best defence attorney in the District. She would take a leave of absence if she needed and help with his case, make sure Ben had the best defence possible. She did not let herself think about innocence or guilt, those were academic now. The only thing she could do was use everything she had learned to help Ben.
“This is going to blow up and it is going to burn hot and fast. I don’t want you here when it happens. I am not going to do astory on you, and I won’t let any of my network near you, but I have no control over rival stations. I want to get you out of here. Take a few days to get things sorted with work and then I want to take you to Australia. I have a cabin in the Blue Mountains. It’s in the Megalong Valley, right on the Coxs River. It’s beautiful and completely off the grid, no one will find you there. Once the story has blown over, you can decide what your next move will be.”
Megan swallowed past the lump in her throat. “You’re pulling the story on me?” She told herself not to cry but she knew it was pointless; the tears were already welling in the corners of her eyes. No one had ever sacrificed themselves for her. No one had ever put her first. He loved her. She dropped her head into her hands.
“Of course I am, silly woman. I love you. I wouldn’t be a very nice guy if I didn’t, would I? And since I met you, being a nice guy has become pretty fucking important to me.”
Megan laughed through her tears. “You’re such a nice guy. I have never met a nicer guy. I never will meet a nicer guy. Even when you figure out I’m not lovable, I will never stop thinking you are the nicest.”
James placed his hand over hers. “I will never stop loving you, Megan. You’re stuck with this foul-mouthed, hard-drinking man-whore.”
“Promise?” She spoke before her mind could stop her.
“I promise. I will love you forever. We will keep ticking things off your list of can’ts. If you stick with me, I reckon we’ll get to the bottom in no time.”
Megan leaned over and kissed him. “You are a very nice man, James Emerson.”
“I love you too.”
Chapter Sixteen
Megan closed her last file and copied everything to a disk for Fiona before she turned off her computer. Her boss had been very accommodating about her taking an unpaid leave of absence. He had assumed she would, now that the campaign was in full swing.
Today was the day.
She was going to leave for Australia with James. Her breath caught in her throat as she thought about James. Maybe she should have been frightened about her future, how her life would unfold over the next few months, but she wasn’t. For the first time in her life, she knew she wasn’t alone; there was someone on her side.
Megan pulled out her phone and texted James to let him know she would meet him at the airport at midnight. There was only one thing left to do; she had to speak to Ben. She had put it off until now because once she did it her relationship with Ben would be irrevocably changed. This chapter of her life needed to close for another to begin. And that did scare her. For fourteen years, Ben had been her best friend, her confidant, her person. Their relationship had not been perfect but it was the closest she had, until James.
Megan took the long way home, partly to have a final look at DC because she did not know when she would be coming back, but mostly to give her time before speaking to Ben. She felt like she was trapped in the moment right after you stub your toe, but before your mind has time to process the sensation. She was fully aware of the pain that was coming and she was going to avoid it for as long as possible.
When she finally pulled into her drive, she turned off the engine and sat and thought about her life with Ben. They had had a good marriage; even if it looked nothing like it should, it had been right for them. They had supported each other, been there for each other.
Megan set her briefcase down on the marble tiles of the entryway, and paused when the aroma of roast beef greeted her. She had forgotten tonight was Thursday, their date night, their red-meat-carbohydrates-and-gossip night. It had been a tradition since they met, a tradition that had fallen by the wayside when she met James. A strange sadness pulled at her as she realised this would probably be her last dinner with Ben in their home. She would miss having him at the centre of her life.
“Ben, I’m home.”
Ben came around the corner, a cupcake-printed potholder on one hand. “Hello, hot stuff. Have you seen the polls? We are on fire! We did it, Megan, you and me.” Ben lifted her off the ground and spun her around. When he set her down, there were tears clouding his warm brown eyes. “This is real, Megan. I couldn’t have done it without you. I know things have been hard for you. You have had to make sacrifices I never should have asked of you. I am sorry. You have been amazing.”
***
James clenched his phone and read the message again.
I can’t meet you tonight. Things are more complicated than it seems. I can’t explain now. I will call you in the morning.
The plane was on the bloody Tarmac ready to go. Something was wrong. He punched in her number again, and again it went to voicemail.
“Shit.” James slammed down his phone. Where was she? He had no fucking clue, but he was going to find her.
James’ concern turned to anger as he swung into her driveway. Her red Prius was sitting in just behind Ben’s BMW. She was here with him.
Ben was the reason she had not come with him.
An icy boulder formed in the pit of his stomach. He knew this feeling too
well, when it came to Megan. As ridiculous as it was, he was jealous of a gay man. The emotion sat uncomfortably in his gut but he could not shake it.
Megan picked Ben.
James did not bother ringing the doorbell, his anger needed and outlet so he pounded his fists against the glossy black panel of the front door. Just before the wood started to split, Ben answered.
“Where is she?” James demanded.
“She doesn’t want to see you. She asked me to tell you that she will call you in the morning. It’s late. Go home.”
“I’m not going anywhere until I see her.”
Ben made the mistake of pushing out his chest, a challenging pose, telling James that he would stand his ground. James would have laughed if it wasn’t for his anger. Ben could not keep James from swatting a fly. James had six inches and 45lbs of muscle on the slight man and he had anger on his side. “Now,” James growled.
Ben shifted back on his heel but did not move out of the doorway. James did not want to physically move him, but he would if he needed to. James’ stare locked on his, neither man giving an inch. “Where is she?”
Moments later, Megan rounded the corner. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face blotchy from crying. James’ eyes narrowed, instantly his anger merged with an acute panic. “If you hurt her, I will—”
Megan stopped him by running to him. “I’m fine, James. I’m just exhausted. I’m so glad you’re here.” She reached up and wrapped her arms around him. Her body shook against him.
“What’s wrong? Tell me.” His voice was an anguished plea.
Megan couldn’t speak for a long time; she just stood clinging to James. She needed him right now more than ever. She turned and looked at Ben. “I’m fine. I won’t change my mind. I promise.” Ben’s shoulders collapsed in relief at her words. The strangled look on his features loosened.
He mouthed the words “Thank you” before he left them.
Megan reached up and kissed James, needing the connection, but he pulled away.
“What’s going on?” James asked.
“A mess is what’s going on.” Megan laced her fingers through his and pulled him into the study. “Would you like a drink? I can make some coffee.”
James gave his head a curt shake. “I don’t want a bloody drink. I want to know what’s wrong. Why didn’t you meet me at the airport?”
Megan did not let go of his hand. She didn’t know where to start; so much had been said that night, so many wounds ripped open, so many promises made. “I’m sorry I couldn’t leave tonight. Soon. We can leave soon.” If you still want me. She left the words unsaid but the question burned in her mind. She was caught between two men, two sets of values, in a game where no one could win. The best she could hope was to minimise the causalities.
Megan swallowed past the lump in her throat. “Ben did not kill Seth Blair. It really was an accident.” Fresh shame clawed at her as she remembered accusing Ben. He was her best friend for over a decade and she had not given him the benefit of the doubt, because there had been no doubt. She had taken circumstantial evidence and turned Ben into a murderer. “He did have a story on Ben. But no one killed anyone or tampered with any evidence.” Megan paused, needing James to accept that before she went any further. There had never been any story, James needed to know that. “Seth did not need any evidence because he was the story. He had an affair with Ben years ago back in New York. He recognised Ben when he saw him on the news. Ben saw him a few times before he died, told him he was happily married now. That’s the whole story.”
James shook his head. “They found opiates in his body. Ben had a prescription.”
Megan’s head snapped up to face him. “You know about that. How long have you known?”
James’ face darkened. He shook his head. “Don’t turn this on me. I told you from the beginning I was investigating him.”
Megan’s hand tightened on his. She did not want to fight any more tonight. She was too exhausted. “I wasn’t accusing you. I’m just surprised you didn’t tell me.”
“When did you want me to tell you? Did you want a play by play of the investigation? Every time I brought up Ben, you freaked out. I’m tired of sharing my girlfriend with a gay man,” James bit out between clenched teeth.
Megan pulled him closer. “Stop. I don’t want to fight with you. I’m done fighting. We are so close to this being over. I can’t fight you too.” She took a fortifying breath. She was going to need James if she was going to survive the next few weeks with her sanity intact. “Yes, Ben had a prescription and yes, he gave a few to Seth. Seth had a bad back from a skiing accident. But Seth assumed the risk when he took them. The most Ben could be charged with is aiding procession without a prescription. But it is not going to come to that. I’m going to go to the police tomorrow. I’m going to tell them I gave them to him.” Megan stopped there. She could not re-live the argument that had brought her to that point, Ben’s mortification at being accused of murder, the fight that followed, the reminder of how Ben had dragged her out of the gutter. She would be nothing if it wasn’t for Ben, and she had repaid him with mistrust and suspicion.
James’ features darkened as a realisation set in. He stood up, running a hand through his dark hair. “For fuck’s sake, Megan. No.”
She didn’t speak; there was nothing to say.
“Are you fucking serious? You’re letting him throw you under the bus again?”
Megan stood up. “It’s not like that. I owe him. I would be nothing without Ben. Everything I have today is because he took a chance on some trailer trash from the swamps of Mississippi. I owe him this. Don’t you get that? This is about obligation. I’m just paying what I owe.” Those were the words Ben had used, letter for letter. The sting was still there when she remembered his face contorting in disgust as he spat them.
But they were true.
She was nothing. She would still be nothing if Ben had not seen potential in her and put her through school. She owed him this. And then it was over. Her debt would be paid. She would be free to move on with her life. Her relationship with Ben had run its course. She had been scared about leaving her marriage but there was really nothing left to leave.
“You want to lie to the police?” James demanded, his voice torn with harsh incredulity.
Megan closed her eyes. From his mouth, the reality sounded ugly. “I have to.”
James’ hands fisted. “What do you mean, you have to. You don’t have to do anything. If it happened like you said it did, let Ben tell them. Why do you need to take the blame again? Do you have some perverse martyr complex? Do you need to be victimised? I thought you were stronger than that.”
Her back straightened. She bit her lip to keep from screaming. “How dare you use that against me? I told you about Pete because I trust you. You have no right to throw it in my face like that. This is nothing like that.” Her hands began to shake, her fingers victim to the rage coursing through her body.
“How is it any different? Please explain it to me, Megan. One man brutalised your body; the other is brutalising your soul. Stop and think about what he is asking of you. He’s asking you to make a false statement to the police. The last time I checked that is a crime. Are you trying to get yourself thrown in jail or just disbarred?”
Megan turned away. She could not look at him. He didn’t understand. He never could, not until he had been where she was before she met Ben. She owed him this. She didn’t want to do it, but she had to. “I won’t be disbarred. I’m looking at a misdemeanour at the most but chances are they won’t bring charges. I will be fine.” She added the last part to convince herself. She would be fine in terms of prosecution. She could save her career too, she had to… And she could survive the humiliation.
Again.
She closed her eyes and tried to push the reality of what a confession meant far back in her mind, the scrutiny, the cameras, the shame. She could survive it; she had before.
“Then why are you doing it?”
&n
bsp; Megan opened her eyes and tried to only focus on James but she could not stop the reel of salacious headlines that played on a loop, or the sound bites announcing her disgrace to the world. She could do this. She had to. “Because a scandal will ruin Ben’s chances. The election is only a few months away. He would never recover from it. And if there is a civil suit, everything will come out.”
“And what if it does? It’s all coming out anyway. You’ve always known that. I’m not pulling any punches. Ben has fucked up. He should have come clean from the beginning and he really should have thought twice before he dragged you into it. I won’t let you do this. It’s time for Ben to man up and stop running scared.” His jaw set in ruthless determination; it was impossible to tell where the anger was directed, at her or at Ben.
A chill ran the length of her spine. He felt like a stranger again, the intruder there to expose them. She shook her head. He was James, her James. She could trust him. “You don’t have to do the story. No one else knows. It can be over. I take the blame and then it’s over. I can have a fresh start. Don’t you see? This can work. This will give Ben a reason to divorce me.” And then we can be together.
James’ eyes widened, his mouth went slack. “You want me to lie for him? You want me to bury a story? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“You did it before.” Instantly Megan regretted her words. The look of horror on his face was like a punch in her stomach. “I’m…I’m sorry,” she stammered but it was too late. The damage was done.
James raised his hands to his head; disbelief and betrayal hung heavy in the air. “Do you know how hard that was for me to do? Do you have any fucking idea what it meant to lower myself to my father’s level? Do you?” James shouted, his voice reverberating through her. He moved towards her and before she could think, she flinched, her hands coming to her face in self-defence. It was a reflex, one she had relied on for far too long.
Dirty Little Secrets Page 21
