by Claire Angel
“Whose is this, sweetie?” I frowned as I waited for her answer.
“It is Dyna’s cup. Silly Daddy.” I knew it and I pushed away the pain flooding my heart.
See, what I’d done. Kayla was getting attached to Diane and I had already fallen in love with her. But soon we would have to bring this arrangement to an end. What then? How I was going to explain this to Kayla? How was I going to justify this to myself and my own heart?
∞∞∞
Later in the day, Jared called. “Man, I have missed you. Since you have had a fake marriage, you’ve turned out to be a fake pal as well. Come out with me tonight.” I really needed something to distract my mind and I agreed to meet him at the bar.
While being alone in shower, I realized that the shower will never feel the same again. Without Diane and her hands washing mine, it just didn’t feel right. I had to stop thinking about her. Otherwise, I wasn’t going to make it through even tonight.
When I entered the bar, nothing had changed. There were some of the regulars and a couple of new girls standing around one of the tables. Maybe I should have the waitress ask for their ID’s, but other than that it was business as usual. I scanned the bar, looking to see if Jared was there already and, true to form, his primary goal hadn’t changed either. He was chatting up two women that I’d seen here before. They’d sometimes come after work, have a few drinks and leave before the night-time crowd arrived.
I walked over and Jared introduced me as the bar owner and a good friend of his. “What about a round of drinks for the lovely ladies?”
Jared looked at me and I gave the nod, but then the one woman raised her hand, “No need, we are just finishing our drinks and then we will be off.”
I just gave her a smile, “Next time just ask for Xander Paul and tell Cynthia behind the bar I owe you a drink.” She blushed and thanked me. I placed my hand on Jared’s shoulder. “Come on, let's catch up and let the ladies enjoy the rest of their drinks in peace.”
Just as we were out of earshot, Jared said, “Ah, man, you are such a spoilsport. The ladies were eating out of my hand. One round of drinks and I would have had a guaranteed threesome or a foursome, but the one is a bit too shy.”
I looked at him and shook my head. “Not a snowball’s chance in hell. They’re regulars, you just never come in this early. They always have one or two drinks and then leave before your type arrives.”
Jared looked at me with a hurt look in his eyes, making a stabbing motion with his left hand over his heart. “That burns, my friend. How can you categorize me as a type? I’m a one of a kind; no duplicates, no copies, just genuine Jared charisma.”
I saw his attention was suddenly pulled away. “Beauty on my one o’clock. Are you game, or are you going to sit here moping?”
I turned around casually to see this beauty. She was a new customer and she was pretty. But somehow, I was expecting a boyfriend to show up any minute and claim his lady. Sure enough, a good-looking man came and placed his hands on her waist.
“Damn it, she’s taken.”
I turned back to Jared. “Can we talk? I have to talk to someone and it can just as well be you.”
“Sure, but you don’t have to make it sound like I’m not really the best there is. What’s up?” I pointed towards an open booth and he followed me. We took our seats and I started telling him of the past three nights. How everything had just crashed and burned last night after I dropped her off.
“That was dumb. Women love hearing those three words. Even if they know it’s all lies, they don’t care. You should just have lied to her.” Jared shrugged.
I shook my head and looked at him. “That’s the problem; it’s not a lie. I really do love her and now I’ve been a complete jackass.”
Chapter 20
Diane
I was sure he had more mood-swings than a teenage girl with PMS. Seriously, who did he think he was to have sex with me and then turn around and say, “Forget it.”
I was expecting a declaration of his love for me, or even just that he really likes me, but no. The only response I got was a “Forget it.” I almost didn’t sleep at all last night, as I was up late fuming.
Here I was ready to give him everything. The evening went so well, everything was so romantic and the sex was beautiful. I didn’t think I could take another cold shower like that. It was completely demoralizing.
I was busy in the kitchen and was probably banging the pan a bit louder than I meant to and might have whisked the eggs more than usual. Mom came in with a very concerned expression. “Sweetie, did the milk turn sour and have the eggs gone bad? Is the problem the ingredients, or the heart?”
“It’s not the ingredients, Mom. I just wish I could understand what goes on in Xander’s head. One moment we are kissing, even having sex and then the next moment he turns ice cold. I can understand fear, but I haven’t given him any reason to fear or mistrust me. I don’t know if I should blame myself or if I should blame him.”
Mom took a seat on one of the breakfast nook chairs and pointed towards the kettle. I nodded, as I knew that she wanted coffee but didn’t want to interrupt my venting session.
“After Andrew, I promised myself I’d protect my heart, place my own needs first and with the whole contract thing; I even had my rules set in place. The sirens went off as expected, but then doubt started to creep in and I became vulnerable. He is so sweet with his little girl and I couldn’t imagine that he could treat a woman poorly.” I poured the water into the mug, stirred and handed it to Mom.
“I’ve asked Mimi to come over, so if you’re up to some girl’s time, you are welcome to join us.”
Mom took a sip of her coffee. “Thank you for the generous offer, but I have a book that I’ve promised myself I will read today and Karen is coming over to pick me up for a day in the park.”
“That is great that she wants to spend time with you, but are you sure you two golden oldies will be fine out there on your own?”
I saw my mother was up to some mischief and she only said, “I didn’t say we were going to go alone. We’re meeting a whole group of golden oldies and some of the men are still sturdy and strong. So, if we do need assistance from the chair to the toilet, I’m sure one of them would like to participate.”
“Oh, Mom. You are impossible.” We both laughed at the idea that they would help each other from their chairs onto the toilet. It felt great to be distracted from my own dark thoughts and I knew I made the right call this morning. Mimi and all her stories and ideas would surely keep me distracted the whole day.
“But until Mimi arrives, tell me what happened.”
I had to take a seat, as I felt like I wanted to just fall into her arms and cry. “I’m not sure what happened. One moment everything was perfect; the walk in the park, dinner, the dessert and then the room. Everything was romantic and I felt like I was a princess because he treated me with kindness and respect. But then after we made love, he wanted to say something. I could see it on his face. I was expecting him to tell me he loves me, or even that he likes me, but his face changed and he went ice cold. The worst of it was when he told me to forget about it. How do you forget an evening like that and then a horrible stab in the back like the one he just gave me?”
“I’m sure you know why he is acting like this. He must be scared of commitment and of his true feelings. Maybe he needs some reassurance,” Mom told me as I wiped a tear from my eye.
“What reassurance? I slept with him. I married him and yes, it’s a fake marriage, but I’m still here.”
“Yes, my dear. You are here and not there over at his place.”
I felt disappointed at her comment and felt like she didn’t understand me. Deep inside I knew she was right, but I couldn’t admit it just yet. “Are you telling me I should be groveling on the floor at his feet for the little crumbs when he is cold and then retake my rightful place as soon as his royal highness decides he trusts me again?”
Mom gave me a stern look and
shook her head. “No use talking to you right now. Maybe Mimi will be the best medicine. Just remember when you feel angry at her, stop, think and check your heart first before you say something you might regret later on.” As she turned around with her coffee mug still halfway to her mouth, she just looked over her shoulder. “I love you and once your anger gets cooled down, I know you will do the right thing.”
Maybe Mom was right. Perhaps I was just stubborn and angry, but I couldn’t handle the rollercoaster ride anymore. Maybe I should get back to the original settings. Maybe I should just stick to our original contract. I wasn’t his toy; he could not do whatever he wanted and then the next moment disregard my feelings. I wasn’t one of his servants, aiming to please him.
I did want to please him, but under my own conditions. I hoped Mimi remembered to bring the ice cream and the chocolate chip cookies. Nothing beats a break-up like a day with your best friend, romantic comedies and a bowl full of cookie ice cream. But this wasn’t a breakup, was it? I was sure this was just a temporary disagreement. I was sure we could fix things and get through it.
Why did this remind me of my time with Andrew? He wanted more than I was willing to give and instead of turning cold, he became hot under the collar. Our arguments would get very heated at times but once he calmed down, he would come crawling back. The part I hated more than anything was the emotional manipulation, where he tried to convince me each time that his anger was because of me. I was glad that part of my life is over and it turned my stomach to think he actually proposed to me. Andrew had to feel in control of the situation. He wanted to know what was going to happen and when it was going to happen and there was a time before our first big fight that I felt trapped in my own house.
Now, with Xander, it was a completely different picture. As soon as I wanted him to hold me tight, he let me go.
The doorbell rang and with a sigh of relief, I walked to open the door for Mimi. Her arms were filled with two brown bags. “I think I got everything and a few extras. I wasn’t sure if your mother would join us or not.”
“I did invite her, but she has her own plans for the day. Something to do with old men, their wheelchairs and helping each other onto the toilet.”
Mimi raised an eyebrow, “You know, that almost breached the overshare line. Not sure if you would care, but that mental image was completely gross.”
I just laughed and admitted, “I had almost the same reaction when she tried to tell me about her planned day at the park.”
“So, which movie is our first choice? And then, which ice cream complements the movie?” We unpacked the bags and my eyes grew wider with each box of cookies, ice cream bowls, chip bags and chocolate bars that Mimi revealed from the cover of the paper bags.
“You didn’t have to supply an orphanage for a month with sweets. It’s just the two of us.”
She looked over her groceries with a sense of pride. “I don’t know about that. I think this will actually just be enough to do the trick.” She shrugged and then we both tumbled onto the couch, laughing.
My phone rang and as I looked onto the screen, Xander’s face showed up, “Nope, not today.” I turned my phone on silent, knowing that this was only the start of a long series of missed calls and messages that I didn’t want to hear or read.
“Luckily, he doesn’t have my number. When your mom goes out; please tell her to call me, instead you.”
“Thanks, Mimi. That is a good idea. Let me just tell her while you pick the first movie.” As I entered my mom’s room she was lying on her bed with a book on her chest, she looked so peaceful and then I got a huge fright, what if she… I quickly walked over to her and touched her face, “Mom?”
She opened her eyes and I felt the world fall from my shoulders. I didn’t even realize how quickly I tensed up, “Sorry Mom. I just got frightened as you were lying so still. Anyway, I’ve placed my phone on silent because Xander is calling and I don’t want to talk to him at the moment. But Mimi’s phone will be available, okay?”
Mom smiled at me and then gave me some advice. “Send one message to Xander telling him you need time. Nothing more and nothing less. Otherwise, he might worry.”
“Okay, I can do that.” I stood up, ready to leave her room when she called me back.
“To check if someone is still alive without waking them, place a small mirror in front of their nose. The vapor on the mirror will confirm I’m still breathing without having to wake me up. Okay?”
“Okay.” I smiled and as I left the room, I switched off her light and closed the door behind me. I didn’t think she would be going to the park today.
After I sent the message to Xander, he responded. “Thank you for letting me know. I will leave you in peace.”
At least there was a respect for each other’s time, so maybe we still could make this work. But for now, there was a mountain of cookies and ice cream and probably six movies to binge on. “Let’s get started.” Mimi pressed play on the remote and I join her on the couch with a rum and raisin ice cream sprinkled with chocolate chip cookie crumbles.
After three movies and two bowls of ice cream, Mimi turned to me. “Okay, I think it is time to talk. What exactly happened?”
“To be honest, I think we both over-reacted and spoiled a perfectly romantic and genuine evening. I expected more from him than he was ready to give and he wanted to give something that he couldn’t give yet. He turned cold and I became angry and frustrated.” It felt good to discuss this calmly.
“I’ve been watching you two and both of you are really into each other. Both of you also have high walls built around your hearts. I think you two just need to get your timing right and get in sync with each other. Most of all, I think he is scared of getting hurt and you know what that feels like. I guess I’m trying to say you should have some empathy for him and I think what would make you less scared in this situation.”
“That’s easy. If Xander would just admit that he has feelings for me and he wants this marriage to be real and to try and make it work for real. That would make me less scared of the uncertain future.”
“Then, that is what you have to give him. Reassurance that you are in this for real.”
“Maybe, but let’s watch one more movie first, as I still have a desire for that slab over there.” I leaned over to the table and Mimi picked the next movie.
Chapter 21
Xander
Yesterday was a all messed up day; I couldn’t focus on anything. Even while playing with Kayla, something felt missing. It was the worst day as I couldn’t get a hold of Diane. At least she had the decency to let me know she was going to ignore my calls. She was a girl full of patience, care, and love and it developed deep respect for her for that. And I also had to respect her decision as she needed time to think. After all, it was me that acted like a jerk.
∞∞∞
Next Day…
I have to see her and she has to hear me out.
This whole situation had turned everything upside down and I didn’t know what exactly I wanted or where we were going with this. I didn’t want to lose her at the end of the month, just because my pride or doubts got over me. I wanted us to have a fair and honest chance at this relationship. I was already on my way to the café and this time I knew what I wanted to say. I’d written it down. No dry mouth or hesitation was going to keep me from telling her that I love her.
Ridiculous maybe, but the small cards in my pocket were more a physical reminder of what I was planning on saying than the words written on them. I knew that once I could just get going, the rest would flow naturally. This time, I just hoped my words will be enough to convince her.
Through the window of the café, I could see she was sitting behind the cash register with her head bent over the books. Someone walked past her and probably greeted her as she looked up and smiled at them, saying “Hi.”
As she returned her gaze to her books, she noticed me. She sat up straight and I knew this was my cue to go onto the stage.
This had to be my best performance, better than any other I had delivered to big corporations.
I opened the door and her gaze followed my every step. Her face was wearing a mask, devoid of emotions. My palms started to sweat and I knew that I was going to hesitate. I placed my left hand in my pocket, just fingering the cards to remind myself of the words I’d rehearsed. Even just the opening sentence would be enough to get me started.
“Diane, I’m sorry that I messed up our wonderful evening. With all my heart, I wanted to say that I love you, but I’m not Shakespeare. I can give interviews to big TV channels and deliver speeches on any stage. I can give presentations to investors and even convince them that I’m their best investment. But I don’t know how to express my feelings to you. I’m not your best investment, but you are mine.”
A few of the tables in the café went quiet and I realized that I’d started my speech in front of all the customers. I took a deep breath, realizing this was going to be hard even without the audience. “I want to invest in your life and I believe you are an amazingly talented woman. You are honest and loyal. I have corrupted you into agreeing to play along with this marriage, but I’m here today to say I should never have pushed you into doing this. Maybe then, we would have had equal ground to approach each other.” I refrained myself for using the words “fake marriage” as there were people around.
Diane had a frown on her face. Even some of the patrons were groaning. I felt the cards in my pocket, closed my eyes and tried to remember what I wanted to say. “You are my better half and the past few days I’ve felt empty and alone without you. Even Kayla is missing you. Every time I walk past your room, I expect you to come out of it, or if I go to Kayla’s room, your absence makes my heart sink into the deepest ocean.
