by Trent Jordan
“Is that so?” I said, but this time, I didn’t hide the smile. “You did act like a petulant idiot, but the good news for you is that I’ve got plenty of experience dealing with men who act like fools before they grow up.”
And the even better news is that sometimes, it’s not just making up. It’s making up and going to a level you haven’t been at before.
“I suppose that’s a long-winded way of saying yes,” Phoenix said, placing his finished beer on the bar. “When are you free?”
The easy answer was in two days when I had a day off.
“Why not now?”
But sometimes, the easy answer was just boring.
“I mean, sure,” Phoenix said. “I’m happy to keep chatting here—”
“That’s not what I meant.”
Phoenix’s eyes went wide.
“Here’s the thing, Phoenix, that you need to know,” I said. “My father came and visited me a couple of days ago. Completely caught me off-guard, it was unannounced. But it was an absolutely wonderful visit. And the one thing he taught me—not even taught, just him being there made me realize—was that I didn’t have to avoid things. I didn’t have to hope for things to happen. I could just... I had the knowledge that if something I tried failed, I wouldn’t be a failure or I wouldn’t lack for support. My father gives me the strength I need to move forward. And besides.”
I smirked.
“You know how much I like to take control.”
Phoenix got his own seductive smirk. Well, the good news was I think both of us were moving past the awkward dance of testing each other while secretly desperately wanting each other. The “bad” news was I didn’t want him to jump that far ahead in the process.
“So, we’ll stay here for a half-hour, and then we can go somewhere else.”
I chuckled a bit and even called Phoenix out when his smile turned into something of confusion. But his smile came back quickly, and I think he knew the same thing I did—that I didn’t just want to talk to him because I wanted to get some. I wanted to talk to him because I liked him.
And though our conversation for the next half hour didn’t go anywhere special—yeah, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt—just like with my father, it was the simple conversations about best vacations, about good hiking spots, about movies we were looking forward to seeing that put me in such a great place with Phoenix. Sometimes, the words mattered far less than the tone.
And when that half-hour ended, I decided it was time.
“You know what,” I said. “Let’s go have a glass of wine. But this time, we’re going to my home.”
“As in... now?” he said, confused. “Doesn’t this place stay open for another couple of hours?”
“If anything, Tom will thank me for saving him a couple of hours of pay,” I said. “And if he gets upset, I’ll just say an emergency came up that forced me to close early. I don’t think he’ll probe too much harder on that.”
“If it’s good for you, it’s fucking good for me.”
With that, Phoenix finished his second Blue Moon, stood up, and offered me his hand. I felt more than a little thrill as I took him up on his offer, walking out the bar, locking it behind me, and then...
“You’re driving?” he said.
“And you’re riding.”
He looked so hard like he wanted to crack a joke.
“Oh, stop, boys gotta ride sometimes too,” I said, giving it right to him. “I like to take control, remember?”
The truth was, I just didn’t want to get carried away on a motorcycle. Yes, I knew what we were building toward, and yes, I wanted it. But if last time was all about falling into the throes of passion, of having an erotic encounter built up from the tension of “do we, do we not,” I wanted this time to be a gradual transition, about showing that we didn’t have to rush things because we knew that we liked each other.
“Oh, how could I ever forget,” he said. “I just hate to leave my bike here.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll be back to it before the end of the night. You can park it behind the store if you’re concerned about it.”
The car ride to my place was very much like the conversation in the bar—light, silly, and playful without being overly sexual. It was something I realized I’d never really had before—a man in my life that I could both be intimate with and share goofy, lighthearted conversation with. In that regard...
Maybe my feelings for him went a little bit beyond just simply liking him.
Ridiculous?
Maybe. If I’d heard someone else tell the story, I probably would have thought so. But feeling what I felt, I knew there was only one word that was precise for how I felt, even if I didn’t want to say that word in my head, let alone out loud.
“I recognize this place,” Phoenix said when we pulled up.
“It’s a bit of a dump, I know.”
“I think one of the Black Reapers’ girlfriends lives here.”
Was it a sign of any kind that he didn’t say the club name with venom? That wasn’t my place to know.
We headed up to my apartment. At one point, I saw Phoenix do a double-take. I followed his eyes, and sure enough, Axle of the Black Reapers was headed out.
“You can go talk if you want,” I offered.
“It’s fine,” he said. “I spoke to them plenty last night. And we’ll be speaking again soon.”
Huh. Maybe he really is trying to make amends with others. Guess this all is pretty genuine.
I opened the door to my place and immediately felt some chagrin as it dawned on me Phoenix was going to think this place was run down in comparison to his home.
“Nice.”
OK, that was not what I was expecting.
“Can’t believe you’re actually going to leave this place at some point.”
I had a slight feeling there was some sarcasm embedded in there in terms of how nice the place was. But it gave me a segue.
“You want to know the truth about something? I am actually no longer planning to move.”
“What?” Phoenix said, more of a gasp than a question.
“It’s true,” I said, still standing by the door. “I still have a lot to figure out. If I had to guess, I don’t know that I’ll stay in Ashton and Springsville forever. But I do know that for the things I have to work on, moving isn’t going to help them. I’m just going to focus on what’s right here and right now.”
Phoenix shuffled his feet and folded his arms like he was waffling between looking proud and confident and unsure.
“So then, about us—”
“Don’t open that door.”
Phoenix looked crestfallen for just a second. If only he knew what was coming next.
“Because the minute I do, you know how I’ll act.”
I shot him a flirtatious grin. Phoenix stopped shuffling in place and unfolded his arms. Slowly, he walked toward me.
Everything seemed to move in slow motion, probably because we actually were moving slowly. No words needed to be spoken. He gradually closed the space between us; all the while, our eyes locked together. Words couldn’t suffice to describe the rising tension, the rising hope that when we closed the space, we would come back together as we had before.
When he got close enough that he could have pressed his lips on me, things still moved slowly. His hand gently cupped my hip, and mine his arm. His other hand gently rested on my cheek, and mine on his wrist. Our eyes spoke a thousand words, but our lips uttered none of them.
For what felt like a memory that would be frozen for eternity, the two of us just stood there, frozen in space, admiring each other, appearing in disbelief that we had this second chance. Would this really happen? Was this... was this going to happen?
And then he started to lean forward, halting every few inches, as if unsure if I was about to reject him. The tension was as thick as it had ever been between us, but the knife slicing through it was almost at the end.
He closed his eyes. Yes.
This is right. I closed mine.
And our lips pressed together not in an erotic, fiery way, but in a tender, loving way. I’d seen kisses like this and I had fantasized about them, but I had never actually had one.
It was well worth waiting for someone like Phoenix to have a good one.
We moved into the bedroom, but it was not so much me leading him or him carrying me as it was the two of us moving as one. It wasn’t a literal dance, but in a sense, it felt like a waltz of sorts to the bed.
Clothes came off together simultaneously. There was no mad rush, no sense of urgency. We had all day, all night, and all the time in the world to do this. We’d know when things were going too slow; we didn’t need to make them faster for their own sake.
I tried to go down on Phoenix first, but he wouldn’t let me.
“At least let me pleasure you while you please me.”
That certainly wasn’t something that I was going to pass up, even if I couldn’t completely get rid of the urge to have my way with him. I rotated my body in a half-circle, backed up my hips toward his face, and grabbed his stiff cock.
And then my plan to have mutual pleasure got really difficult as he started to work on me.
I didn’t know why I hadn’t anticipated this, but focusing on pleasuring him was so damn hard when all I could focus on was how my hips were quivering and my legs felt like warm jelly. I think I gave a couple of half-hearted strokes and licked his shaft a few times before I just quit. I tried to get up so that I could return the favor fairly, but Phoenix had me beat in indisputable fashion in one regard—raw strength.
Simply put, even though I was on top, he had me pinned. And he held me down against his body as his tongue continued to work me off.
“Oh, Phoenix...”
And then it hit me.
I needed to stop resisting.
I didn’t need to be in control, not with Phoenix. I could let go. I could see what happened.
And almost instantaneously, as soon as I let go of that urge to dominate everything, an incredible orgasmic force started to form. And when it hit just seconds later, it was unlike anything I had ever felt. I had to bury my head into his legs and bite my lip because I started to scream and tense so much from that orgasm.
My God, how fucking good that felt!
“Now I can get some,” he said with a smirk.
“Come and get whatever you want,” I said.
But a funny thing happened when I rolled on my back and let him hover over me.
We never went back to going fast. Phoenix seemed less in a rush to get to orgasm and more content to just admire me. It was, honestly, kind of emotional.
In the moment of physical intimacy, I was awash in the present, and I didn’t take the time to think about why or how we’d gotten here. I just focused on the sexy stud inside of me, the man who had grown from a mean asshole into a tough but compassionate man. Maybe I was putting too much stock into this moment.
Somehow, I doubted it.
Shortly after Phoenix came, though, and as soon as he rolled over and I curled up on him, I realized the emotions were because I knew how close I’d come to losing him over something as stupid as not being open about my plans to move. I was not going to take this man for granted.
Because...
I loved him.
Was that crazy to say?
I didn’t really care either way. I cared that he was there, and I cared that he cared about me. And in a life in which I had not had that for most of the time and had only recently gotten it, I was not about to let it go.
“You’re really not moving away, huh?”
I rolled back to face Phoenix to look him square in the eyes. There was a certain vulnerability and hope to them that was only possible after an intensely passionate moment like we’d just shared; nowhere else could he feel so naked and be so naked at the same time.
“Nope,” I said. “Obviously, never say never. But right now, I want to see how this goes. I want to work on myself. And... if I move in the future, it won’t be for a long time. And by that point, you and I...”
“We’ll be together.”
He said it.
But you agree.
“Jess, there is no one in this world who has ever made me feel the way that you do,” he said. “I have always been afraid to commit, but with you, I’m afraid of what happens if I don’t commit. I want you around for as long as I can have you, and damnit, if you move, you might just have me tailing you the whole way.”
I started to laugh, but Phoenix kept speaking.
“Because you have given me something that I have never had before. You give me hope for stability—well, so long as you stay here, as it sounds like you are. Because... fuck it, I’ll say it, I love you.”
Oh my God... he’s serious. Just like I am.
“Too much? I don’t give a fuck. I’d rather say too much now than lose someone without saying what’s—”
“Phoenix,” I said, placing a hand on his cheek. “I feel the same way. You’re not going to lose me. I love you too.”
I moved in to kiss him. It was the best kiss yet.
“Just one request,” he said.
“Hmm?”
“Call me by my real name. Austin. Phoenix is the Sergeant-at-Arms at the Gray Reapers MC. Austin is the man you’re going to fall for.”
Austin. It sounds both gentlemanly and tough. Like the man before me.
“Austin,” I said. It sounded pleasant and rolled smoothly off my tongue. “Just one request on my end.”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t say ‘the man you’re going to fall for.’ Because I already have.”
We pulled back together for a longer kiss.
This time, nothing could separate us.
Epilogue
“You’re sure you’re ready for this, Phoenix?”
No, I wasn’t sure that I was ready. No part of me would ever feel “ready” for a meeting like this. Two enemies, even if a common cause had been found to rally around, didn’t just feel ready to see each other after the fact.
But I had no choice. Not if I wanted to avenge Father Marcellus’ death. Not if I wanted to bring goodness back to my family name. Not if I wanted to stop the mayhem and violence that had affected Springsville and now Ashton so horribly.
“Let’s just go,” I said.
Cole nervously nodded to me. He turned on his bike, and I mine. The two of us took off down the road and then down the highway, going back to Springsville.
Going, really, back home.
I had fought so hard to believe that Springsville was not home, but in truth, it was the only home I had. At the very least, before I found a “new home,” I had to make peace with my old one. And now that I had, I knew I didn’t really want a new home. I just wanted to feel at ease in my old one.
We pulled up to the headquarters of the Black Reapers. It was almost empty, save for two bikes by the clubhouse—the bikes of Lane and Butch. I gulped when I saw the bikes. This still didn’t feel easy, and in some ways, it didn’t even feel right.
But that didn’t matter.
We both killed our bikes, and I kept my hand by my hip, always ready to pull when necessary. Cole knocked on the door. A few seconds later, Butch opened it. I didn’t think I’d ever get used to his sheer size; it literally was like staring at a massive gorilla.
“Come in,” Lane said, seated at a table just inside.
Butch stepped aside, and the two of us entered. There were no pleasantries or handshakes. There was barely a nod from either party.
Cole took a seat about three feet away from Lane. I stood behind Cole, and Butch stood behind Lane. Both of them drew deep breaths as if trying to summon the strength to actually have this meeting.
“Cole,” Lane finally said, but he struggled with his next words.
“Lane,” Cole said back, but again, the struggle to say something real was great.
Butch and I shared a glance. It was like we silently said the
other’s name, but we weren’t about to speak up over our respective club Presidents.
“Cole, I’ll be honest, I need you,” Lane said, almost like he was vomiting the words. “We’ve tried to make amends the past few months, but it feels like nothing we do works. Maybe we need therapists. I don’t know; I don’t want to go to a fucking shrink. But fuck, man. We both got decimated by the Saints because we didn’t have enough manpower on our own to stand together.”
“I’m well aware,” Cole said.
Lane gulped.
“I need your help,” Lane said. “I need you to help defeat the Fallen Saints once and for all. I don’t know that I like you right now, but—”
“Lane, that’s not enough,” Cole said. “Today’s enemy is the Fallen Saints. But if we want us to have peace, if we want our towns to truly feel at ease, we can’t have yet another temporary truce. We did that with the hospital visit for the Saints, and we came back worse because of it.”
He’s right.
“I need to know that you will be by my side, unconditionally,” he said.
As he spoke, Butch and I looked at each other. We understood that whatever Cole said for Lane, it applied to both of us.
“I can’t be riding into battle thinking about how I’m doing you a favor or vice versa. I can’t be thinking about what’ll happen after the battle. I have to know that whatever you do, you do it without hesitation.”
And that, I realized, was what I needed from Butch. When he had killed my father, he hadn’t done it out of cold blood. He’d done it because he had made an unconditional promise to protect the club, and Lane specifically, from any and all threats. I still fucking wished my father had gotten a chance at redemption, and I was never going to get to the spot where I could sit with Butch and laugh with him.
But I understood what Cole was saying.
“If we want to defeat the Saints for good, I need to know that we are truly brothers,” he said. “I need to know that we are not feuding brothers or brothers trying to figure things out. I need to know that we are just… brothers.”
He extended his hand for a handshake. Both Butch and I visibly tensed. Lane stared at the hand.
