“No,” Jesse screamed. “No, take me. Leave her. Take me. I am the guilty one.”
“Gaius, tell me what you are seeing,” Claire implored, as she watched the shallow breathing of her client.
“They know of our plot. They’ve come to arrest us. They’re dragging Julia out. We’re being separated. No!” There is a staccato cadence to his statements. “No. No. No. This is my fault. Let her go. She was not complicit. She knew nothing. I did this for power. I’m trying so hard to protect her.” Pulling at his hair, his eyes are moist with tears.
“What is happening to you. Describe to me what is going on.”
“The Senate has convicted me of treason. The punishment is death. Either execution or suicide. Her father has chosen suicide for me. He wants her to watch. He wants her to be there to see me die at my own hand.”
“No. No. No. No.” He screamed, his wail sounding more like that of a wounded animal left at the roadside to die than that of a human. “No. Please, don’t make her watch me. I know this is going to destroy her. To punish her this way, the vision of my death scorched in her mind and heart for the rest of her days, while she is sentenced to a slow death, knowing her protector is gone, that I will no longer come for her. With my own hand, I create the dual sins of taking my own life and condemning her to the damnation of the rest of her days. Please, don’t make her watch as I rob her heart of hope. I will soon be with our son, yet my damnation will be eternal for I failed to protect my only love. I failed her and left her behind to be tortured at the grip of evil.”
Claire cringed. “And Julia, what has happened to Julia?”
“She was married off to him and he’s called for her exile to Pandanteria after my death. She will die out there. He knows that. It is just a volcanic rock in the ocean. She will starve and die out there. No one returns. No one ever returns. I could not protect her. I should have done more to protect her.” With splayed fingers, he runs his hands through his hair, pulling at the spiky strands with frustration.
“Jesse,” she called him by his current name. “Jesse, I’m going to count to three. When I reach three, you will come out of your hypnotic state. You will be able to remember everything, but you will be here, safe in my office. Are you ready? One. Two. Three.”
The rise of his shoulders immediately deflated as his head lolled to his chest, his breathing shallow and fast as if he’d just stopped running.
“Jesse,” Claire’s tone was sharp. “Jesse, take some deep, cleansing breaths.”
Following her directive, he breathed in deeply and removed the RGB glasses on his exhale, flinging them onto the couch next to him.
“That was insane. That was freaking insane.” Putting his face in his hands, he shook his head. “I don’t even know where to begin with that. I was there. I was in Rome in the first century B.C. I was in fucking Rome, Dr. S.” Putting his hand over his heart, still panting as the adrenaline coursed through his veins, the pain in his eyes was deafening. “Julia. Oh, God, Julia. I tried to save her. To take the blame so that she would be spared. We got caught. It was that fucking nursemaid. She was spying on us. Her father’s wife had placed the woman there.” Catching his breath momentarily as visions continued to flood in, “And then they made her watch me fall on my sword. God, how brutally cruel. That horrible little shit made her watch me die because he knew how much it would hurt her. We should have killed the whole lot of them.”
Remaining silent, Claire waited for Jesse to calm down.
But he didn’t calm. “We should have killed them,” he yelled. “We should have killed them all.” His rage was real. Pulling at his spiky hair, “Oh, God, Dr. S. what am I saying? It’s so hard to separate. That was like two thousand years ago. Two thousand.” He shook his head, a look of disbelief on his face. “My heart is ripping apart. I want to go to her. I want to save her. But it’s not now. And she’s not here. I didn’t protect her. How did I not see what we really needed to do? How did I miss the whole picture?”
“What did you need to do, Jesse?” Claire’s voice was soothing.
Looking up, he stared her in the eye. A sneer overtaking his lips. That beautiful rock-star sneer, the one that she could feel like a live wire placed high between her thighs, jolting her. Until he spoke, and then her blood ran cold. “I should have killed her father, her stepbrother, and her stepmother. That was my mistake, that I did not murder them all.”
They sat in silence, the air in her office heavy, not moving, until Jesse began to speak again. This time calmer. He smiled and Claire could tell he was seeing something in his mind’s eye. “That’s how deeply I loved her. She was part of my soul, from the time we were kids. So, I guess I can love. Or I could love.” Again he lapsed into silence, his head nodding with internal thoughts. “I failed at protecting her. Her faith was all in me. I’m sick at how deeply I loved her and how epically I failed her. There’s a steep price to loving that deeply.”
“You were playing chess in a game that was less than honorable.” Claire brought reason back to the conversation.
“And we were checkmated.”
“Yes, you were.” Putting her iPad down on her desk, “This is a lot to process. I think we should spend our next few sessions looking at parallels and aspects that we think might have lingered to influence current patterns in your life.”
“Not to be rude, Doc, but I’ve gotta get out of here. I need air. I’ve gotta head down to L9 and work out or something.” And grabbing his jacket, Jesse Winslow was out the door.
Patient: Jesse Winslow
Session # 38
Date: 2/18/15
Regression # 8
Regression Length: 10:11 A.M.–10:53 A.M.
Entity: Gaius Antonius
Location: Rome
Year: 1st Century BC
Chapter 9
He was reaching the point of muscle fatigue on the SkyTrack at L9. As he passed other runners, he could see their heads whip toward him. He knew they were wondering, is that really Jesse Winslow who just ran by? His hope was that the thought that immediately followed that was, damn, he’s in good shape. The month in the Caribbean had really made its mark on his physique.
Hoping physical exhaustion would slow down his mind, Jesse could not only rid himself of the crystal-clear images of a world of two-thousand years ago, but also of the overwhelming feelings of love and loss. He physically felt the depth of both and the hurt was staggering.
After seven miles, he moved off the track to a water station and grabbed a bottle, rolling the cold, sweating plastic across his forehead before finally opening it and taking a swig. Leaning on the SkyTrack’s railing, he watched the members below in the club’s main rotunda and wondered what the building, with its great circular center, originally had been. A place of worship? Entertainment? There was something about the structure, with its frescoed ceiling of mythical creatures that always reminded him of the circuses of ancient Rome and now, for the first, time he understood why he had always felt so at home in this club.
He had seen the great structures of Rome before they were ruins, felt the energy of the Circus Maximus as chariots kicked up great clouds of yellow dirt. He had learned the glory and the price of loving amongst the hills and olive groves of Rome. Holy Shit, Jesse shook his head and wondered if a few more miles on the SkyTrack might do him good.
Looking down from the ceiling-high vantage point of the track, it was the lights glinting off the natural incandescence of her hair that caught his eye, bringing an immediate smile to his face and the first feeling of solace since the regression. Watching her below work with her trainer as he put her through a brutal set of Face Melters, Jesse couldn’t help but notice the change in her body from the last time he’d seen her, over a month before. A feeling of pride swelled as he watched her keep up the grueling pace. When it was over, she stood, a look of victory on her sweaty, flushed face.
Her trainer, who Jesse recognized as the L9 owner’s son, enveloped her in a bear hug, clearly pleased with h
er performance. When they separated, they high-fived. Standing at the railing, watching them below, Jesse felt very voyeuristic, but couldn’t get enough of watching her. It occurred to him, now that he’d met Julia, how deeply attracted to redheads he was. Kylie’s hair, while a deeper, more auburn shade than Julia’s, made him feel a connection to both his past and to her. And now, standing in the shadows, nearly two stories above, the rocker was finally beginning to develop an understanding of his feelings, courtesy of another redhead.
Giving her a final squeeze on the shoulder, her trainer turned away, and headed toward an area that housed the free weights and was filled with serious lifters.
Walking over to the smoothie bar, Kylie took a seat on a high metal stool and ordered something. Sitting back with a tall glass, she observed the room, her eyes scanning as if she were looking for someone. As she looked up, scanning the SkyTrack, she feels me, was the thought that fleeted through Jesse’s mind, but he realized that from the angle she was looking, she would not be able to see him.
A built, dark-haired guy came and leaned on the bar next to her, he appeared to order and then turned to Kylie and began to chat. It looked as if she was giving him a polite look and Jesse laughed to himself that he could already decipher her faces. The girl was smart as a whip and Jesse wondered if she was inwardly rolling her eyes at this steroidhead. The guy leaned in toward her, his stance becoming more aggressive and Jesse could see the distinct change in Kylie’s body language in response. Leaning back, there was nowhere for her to retreat, as a wall was to her back.
Quickly jogging over to the elevator located across the SkyTrack, he stabbed the call button with a few hard staccato finger punches. Jesse shifted from leg to leg as he waited for the lift to arrive. He wanted that goon away from her now. Reaching the main floor of the rotunda, Jesse could see the back of her head, her lustrous hair shimmering in the club’s intricate lighting. Walking toward her, he could feel his heart beating wildly. It had been too long since he had seen his friend. It felt like it was in another lifetime.
As if hearing the distant call of drumming against his breastbone, she suddenly turned around, possibly sensing his presence approach. With an immediate smile that created a dimple in her right cheek that he hadn’t noticed until that very moment, he willed her, come to me. And she did, nearly knocking over her barstool.
His arms opened for her as she neared, approaching him quickly. “Toots,” he whispered into her hair, burying his face as the thought, back in my arms again, permeated his brain. Yet, he couldn’t remember holding her before that moment and thought, maybe not in my arms, but certainly in my thoughts.
“You look amazing.” She continued to hold him. “I’ve missed hanging out with you.”
“Me, too.” He caressed the luxurious strands of her at the back of her head. “You are looking amazing, too.” He did nothing to hide his eyes appreciatively taking her all in.
Separating from their embrace, he kept an arm casually slung over her shoulder, as they walked toward the smoothie bar. He was fully aware that he was sending the meathead on the next stool a loud and clear message. As Kylie slipped back onto the chair, the guy behind the counter handed Jesse a laminated menu of smoothies.
Laughing, “I’ll try the Zac Attack.” Turning back to Kylie, “I have so much to tell you, Toots.”
“Me, too,” she was nodding. Things that she had wanted to share with him for weeks, all the way back to the day of her Geneviève regression, when they got swarmed by fans before she could share it with him. “I’m so glad you’re home.” Kylie could feel her face redden with the admission she had not planned on making.
Reaching for a lock of her hair, he let it slide through his fingers, appearing deep in thought for a moment. “Do you have dinner plans?”
Dipping her head and looking up at him through her lashes, more than a glimpse of bodacious pageant girl was staring Jesse Winslow in the face. “Are you asking me out on a proper date, Mr. Winslow?”
Laughing mid-way through a sip of his very green smoothie, he began to choke. “Yeah, I guess I am.” His voice was a rasp as she patted him on the back.
“So, should we send selfies to Claire?” There was a mischievous glint in Kylie’s eyes. “I might even flash her my boobs.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re a lot to handle?” He was getting lost in her eyes and the depth and brightness of the green.
“Moi?”
Laughing, “I think I’ve finally met my match.”
“Mon moitié,” she whispered, without thinking.
Tipping his head, as he looked at her, questioningly. He knew he wanted to say something to that, to whatever it was she just said, but he didn’t know what. It was out there, just past the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t quite grasp it.
“Where should we meet?” Kylie filled in the dead air, taking control, as she was not yet ready for him to invade her home turf.
Jesse thought for a moment, his lopsided grin taking on a most amused glint. “Freud. Let’s meet at Freud on LaGuardia Place in The Village.”
With a sip of her smoothie nearly coming out of her nose, Kylie choked a little before she was able to get out the words. “That is inspired. Truly inspired.”
Together they laughed at their little inside joke.
••••••
I’m at a table in the back-right corner, he texted.
In a cab a few blocks away. See you in 5.
Kylie was running a few minutes late, not rudely late, just fashionably late. She had pulled nearly everything she owned out of her closet, trying to find something that was flattering, yet rock-star cool and ‘Yeah, I know his ex- is a top model’. ‘So What’ chic was the look she was trying to pull off. It wasn’t easy. With the recent weight loss, she was between sizes. Her big girl clothes, as she was now referring to them, looked like misshapen potato sacks on her and her pageant days’ wardrobe were nowhere near an option yet, and might not ever be.
She made the decision. It’s New York, seriously, just pick something black. And so black it was. Black legging jeans, black high boots, a thin, black, cashmere V-neck sweater, all topped with a black leather jacket. Twisting her hair, she clipped it up, then pulled a few strands out to frame her face and a few at the base of her neckline. It was messy and sexy.
Standing in front of the mirror, she wondered for whom she was dressing. Jesse? Well, yeah, you don’t want to be seen with a rock star looking like a beast on parade. The paparazzi? Same logic applied as for Jesse. The skinny model ex-girlfriend? Well, not really for her, but for everyone who would make a comparison. For herself? C’mon, he’s Jesse Fucking Winslow. Get real.
As she made her way to the back of the darkened restaurant, Kylie could feel her spine straighten, shoulders fall back, chin up. The only thing missing was the sash as she gracefully floated past tables, the male occupants covertly attempting to sneak an appreciative look without alerting their female companions.
I’ve still got it.
And her confidence soared as she sat down in the chair next to one of the sexiest, most recognizable men on the planet, and he had watched every man in the restaurant check her out.
“You look gorgeous, Toots.”
“Thank you.” It was still surreal that she was sitting here with her new buddy.
“I’m going to have to fight half the guys in the restaurant off you.”
Laughing, “I doubt that.” Kylie rolled her eyes.
Smiling at her, he reached out, allowing the lone curl cascading down her right cheek to slip through his thumb and forefinger. “It’s true.” Tilting his head, “You’re not comfortable with it, are you?”
She shook her head. “I know that’s odd, considering I spent years on a stage or a runway, but people treat you different when you’re heavier. You kinda become invisible. They’re like ‘pretty face,’ but they’re not all over you. Fewer people want something from you. And there’s a part of me that kinda likes being invisib
le.”
“I can understand that. It’s a bit different, but I can understand it. So, let me ask you something really personal. Is weight a layer of protection?” Instinctually, he felt like he knew so much about this girl. That he understood her on a level that most people never get to with another human being. And yet they were only first becoming friends, with a special bond through their healing work.
Looking down at his hand on her hair, while he absentmindedly ran his finger up and down the lock, Kylie realized that she now found the gesture oddly comforting, that she yearned for it in his presence, as if it was their connector.
Nodding, “I think it is, and since I started having success with my regressions, I’m beginning to think it’s based on past experience.”
“Unleashing our demons?” he recalled their first conversation.
Kylie nodded.
“So, I had a really successful regression,” Jesse began without preamble, unable to hold it in any longer. “And there was this redhead.”
“Oh no, you can’t get away from us, can you?” Laughing, Kylie was most amused.
Smiling, “Who would ever want to?” He paused, “Her hair was a lighter copper than yours.”
“Where and when was this?” She was excited to hear the details, in that moment feeling so connected to this man, who was experiencing his own parallel journey into the inexplicable.
“Rome. 1st century B.C.”
“Wow. That is so cool. Did you remember a lot?”
“Oh, yeah. A crazy amount of detail, Toots. So much so, that I’m feeling trapped between realities and I don’t know how to sort that out yet. That’s why I went running after Dr. S’s today. I was hoping it would somehow help me straighten out my head.” His eyes were wide with confusion.
Nodding, “I know. I totally get that. I feel the exact same way. I don’t know what to do with myself after these regressions. I don’t know where I belong. Which world? I don’t even know which world I want to be in.”
Love on the Edge of Time Page 12
