by David Gordon
were people yelling or chasing you down the beach kids and dogs barking
i got alot of catcalls. a couple old ladies asked me if i was ok. i didn’t stop to chat
they wouldve given you a towel
i wasn’t really thinking about much but getting to MY towel
and then!
i had to help carry shit to the car and the towel kept falling because i couldn’t hold it and the other shit and my mom kept yelling at me like i was doing it on purpose
haha . . . you probably were you little slut
no i really wasn’t i had the towel tied at first and then i had a cooler in one hand and chairs in the other hand and it came untied and then i was just trying to juggle everything and keep the towel up so i could get to my clothes in the car
shit its late . . . i’m going to run 8 miles tomorrow . . .
psh
it’s 2
?
oh 2 o clock
you called it late.
yeah well I’m an old man
blah blah i can do about 5 before i collapse
I used to but when I quit smoking I doubled my running in like 2weeks
whatevs I met a slave out here.
oh yeah . . . slave for you? since when are you dom?
you remember when I was like “i’d make a cruel domme”?
I decided to find someone
a girl or a guy?
fem i don’t like male slaves
well me neither, haha so who’s your little slut?
she just graduated hs. she’s never done anything before. at all.
i told her she’d be sorry she started with me lol
whats she look like?
she’s alright looking. she could lose some weight. and will be.
so howd you meet?
personal ad. we emailed for a few and then she met me at the hotels restaurant
you used her yet?
yes.
how?
right now she’s bound to the table being my ashtray shaking like a leaf. im about 90% sure she got kicked out of her house. i wouldn’t untie her when it was time to leave.
you smoke?
yup
and you’re tipping ashes in her mouth?
and on her stomach
hows she bound?
on her back, arms and legs to the tables arms and legs
can you send me a picture?
i don’t have digital camera with me although she was kind enough to pick up a disposable camera to blackmail her with. it’s going in her mailbox tomorrow
she already wrote a letter
whats it say?
basically that she’s a whore who exists only to serve her mistress
the funny part is she only came her for a session
so she’s going home with you?
Maybe. I might just leave her tied up here or drop her off naked downtown i’m undecided
what else did you do to her?
cut all her hair off
haha
haha it’s not shaved it’s just all kinds of fucked up some spots are a few inches some spots are less than an inch
anyway time for one of us to sleep and the other one to shake all night
I’m not shaking.
I mean her.
Oh right.
IM with blkrose 11:14 PM
Haha
hey . . .long time no chat . . . whats so funny
i left her there
who?oh the girl tied to the table back in georgia?
hung up in the closet
why?
just cause. i told her was if she could find me she could stay with me.
did she want to . . . or she just wanted a date that went tragically wrong? haha . . . for her i mean
she wanted to.
jeeze clingy
well. we kind of got her kicked out of her house.
yeah well maybe she was looking for a way out of noweresville georgia too I guess
lol maybe. i wanna see if she can find me.
does she know your name or anything?
she knows my first name. the kind of car i drive. the state i’m from or at least the state i register my car in and she knows my cell #
still a big effort tho
if she’s clever she knows the name of my company but i don’t know if she’s clever
haha
if this girl comes up here i’m gonna buy a new house
wow must be love. You’re settling down.
Lol if i ever dont want her i can kick her out. i just want to build a special little hell
and did i tell you i’m limiting myself to slutty clothes? gave everything else to goodwill
what about work?
they can deal. i wanted to make myself a joke anyway, remember?
then you wont get that big new dungeon
why not?
I thought you said you’d get fired and lose yr house
hard to lose it if i’m selling it
?
i couldn’t lose the house without blowing through my savings first
i’m a trust fund baby, remember?
no I didnt know . . . but it figures . . .
well. i kept a pair of sneakers, sweats and a hoodie for working out. besides that, everything’s 5” heel or greater.skirts are all 12” or shorter. tshirts are all very thin. a couple little button up things. at home i’m in ballet boots, a corset, a posture collar, a ball gag and a butt plug.
so you said . . . but I havent seen the proof
lol when i decide i’m almost done there, like completely done i’m going to buy a pair of jeans to piss myself in at work. maybe at a meeting. maybe with a client.
go to bed now though
bc i am
right adios
In March I got sick. I thought I had a sinus infection, strep throat, bees building a hive in my nose. But Dr. Chang said it was allergies.
“Allergic to what?” I asked.
She shrugged existentially. “Some plant. A pollen. A mold. A dust.” Post-smoking and with recharged chi, my body was changing. As Amy would say, I was sensitive. “You want to find out or just fix it?”
My eyes ran. My nostrils were sealed with cement. I could feel the pressure in my teeth and cheekbones. “Just fix it. Please.” She smiled and spoke to Amy. Maybe she told her that I hadn’t paid my bill because Amy spread me on my back, rolled up her sleeves, and got right to work pummeling my face. No needles yet. Just strong fingers molding my flesh like dough, digging in around the temples, jawbone, lips, as though sculpting me into some finer form. It hurt a lot. I lay still and tried not to whimper. I focused on the calendar, which depicted cranes descending on a wetland, perhaps in promise of spring, but shut my eyes when Amy lowered her trembling needle above them. She popped a couple in my cheeks, and a moment later, as if by magic, my sinuses cleared.
“Nose good?” she asked.
“Yes!” I demonstrated by drawing a huge gulp of sweet air through both nostrils, something I rarely did even on a good day. “You’re a genius,” I murmured like a battered spouse in love.
She chuckled—“OK, bye”—and bustled to the next prone body, its head murmuring in a hole.
IM with blkrose 6:09 PM
so she found me
who?
that sub girl
Aw, true love
lol
what sort of games have you two been up to?
I broke her. like, completely
how?
i kept her caged, no contact with anyone. sleep dep. i’d wake her up pouring water on her or with a stun gun.i’d drag her out of the cage and hold her head under water. not say anything to her. then throw her back into the cage. just random and vicious.
we’ve done a bunch of shit
for real i don’t know where to start. i told you i lost my job?
Nope how come?
i was dismissed for lewd conduct
specifically?
givi
ng someone a blow job in the copier room
haha you got caught?
yeah someone walked in
who was the guy? Random or you’d been fucking him?
not quite either but sort of both he still works there. ironic, eh?
maybe he got a raise
lol
did yr dad find out?
my family’s not talking to me
so.
probably.
so what have you been doing since then?
i get by.
stripping?
some. savings. sold my house, traded down my car.
where are you living?
jersey
apt? house?
i don’t know if i’d call it a house really but yes
tent?
lol no it’s just a peice of shit
why dont you put yr slave to work?
fuck that
why not? Get her stripping
the basis of her life is that she is worthless
did you ever take her and get her used?
yeah, we both have
oh yeah? What happened?
lol like it was once
i ache.
ache? what happened?
i slept on a concrete floor for 4 days among other things
where?
we volunteered to be frat sluts.
so how was that?
it’s ongoing. i like it.
whats the deal? What happened? How many dudes?
the deal is when we’re in the house or accompanying frat members outside the house we do as we’re told. fuck. suck. clean. lick shit off the floor. anything they could think of. the nastiest food
how many guys?
about 16 in the house
so how many used you total?
so far . . . 16
how did you meet them?
i put out an ad. met a couple diff guys, talked about what we were both looking for, found the one that meshed
so they just line up and fuck you or what?
they use us when they want for whatever they want to use us for
what is the nastiest shit that happened
the food.
Haha how many times fucked in four days? how many blowjobs?
i got fucked at least twice by everybody in at least 2 holes and if you’re curious, my pussy and ass are both killing me, as is my throat and jaw and also my back and legs and feet and arms and everything else
so you got fucked like like 65 times, ha
raw in every hole
raw, like bareback?
no raw like i got rubbed raw
haha frat boys . . . thats a new low.
yo they’re fucking mean i wish i had known
how so?
theyre just vicious
it doesnt sound like they did much but fuck you and feed you nasty food
yeah that and letting me get 4 hours sleep on cold concrete making me lick their piss of the floor and get splinters in my tongue
taking us out and showing us to the other frats
they made you perform or what?
a bit yeah. saturday night i got to drink stale beer with piss and cigarette butts
haha how much?
more than i ever thought i would
did you chug it, frat style?
i had to it wouldnt’ve gone down otherwise. it would’ve been fine without the cigs
that’s what gives it the kick
lol i can’t speak unless spoken to i’m not supposed to meet their eyes. i’m on call.
what do you have to wear? are you leshed when your there? Tied up?
depends on what they feel like i’ve been leashed, i’ve been tied up, i’ve been chained to the floor, locked in a closet
and your slave too?
mhm
How will you top this? I can take you around to a home for retards and let them loose on you
Lol there’s always something next. God i’ve turned myself into such a slut.
a life of this? can’t wait for whatever turns out to be next
how old are you again?
25 i think i was 24 when we met.
ha . . . well you might be pretty worn out if you go 20 guys a week by the time yr my age
we all pay a price
also I met a sadist
oh yeah? As opposed to what? your usual gentle sweet hearts?
you’re always so funny
its part of my charm. tell me about the sadist
what about?
Dunno who? What? where? how? the usual basics of good reporting . . . I wont bother asking why!
lol lots of pain
like what? tell me the harshest thing this new sadist did to you
making me kneel over lit candles
like bend so the flames touch your tits or belly?
i had to lower myself slowly to put them out
Wow that is harsh, ha ha, you were all blistered or what?
minor burns
hmmm . . . not that slowly then! what else did he do to you?
he has a metal whip
metal tips you mean? or like chain links?
it’s like 4 lengths of stamped tin twined together
that must sting. howd you meet him? Whats he like?
through a friend. he’s alright but that whip fucking hurts
no doubt
i had to count off 500 strikes restart when i lost count
thats a lot! across the back?
back, ass, thighs, stomach i was howling
im seeing him again actually
cant wait to see what he does next
as soon as I heal
lol
The birds returned to the park first. I saw their little prints, a fossil record on the old packed snow. I spotted them from afar, black marks on the flat sky above the river. Then, on a grassy bank under the arms of the West Side Highway, I saw a fat, sleek goose bobbing across the path, with a troop of goslings toddling after, piping puffs of fur on tiny sticks. A sign warned dog owners to keep their pets on-leash and away from the birds. But no one warned parents to leash their mutts, and the little screechers chased the goose family, some getting squawked at, some sliding down the bank and ending up green with goose shit as the flock escaped by water.
I saw sparrows pick and twitter at grass seed in the dirt. I saw a robin throbbing like a heart with a worm in its mouth. I heard crows bitching and saw them lined on the wires above me, flapping and falling and cawing in their ragged cloaks. Far off, I saw a hawk circle, sweeping in beautiful arcs, swimming on the wind currents, watching for food to make a move below.
In April, Lyla announced that after graduation her dad was sending her on a trip to Europe. Then she was starting law school out of town. She was full of pep, bubbling about Italy and Greece and the car she would get for school, but I couldn’t help feeling disappointed since this meant we’d probably never meet. Then I remembered: That was the whole point. I had wanted fantasy, with no threat of real life, and I got it. Still, realizing that I was as imaginary to her as she had been to me hurt my feelings somehow: the sensitive, touchy pervert. The Melancholy Master, sad because she didn’t really want me to abuse her after all. She was just toying with my rotten evil heart.
I knew this was ridiculous. I was a fool, even worse than I had imagined. Utter impudence! Wasn’t there some potion the doc could brew that would break this fever? A needle Amy could drive into my heart to shock it sensible, or insensible, whichever?
I resolved to withdraw still further into my shell and for a few rainy days I didn’t even run, staying inside to watch old movies, do my laundry, and even get some work done. In fact, I was meeting a twice-extended midnight deadline, sending the chino folks their copy, when I saw blkrose’s name appear online, blinking and winking pinkly, like a pesky digital itch on my screen. I ignored it and emailed my work. Then I swallowed my Chinese herbs, which I usually forgot. I brushed and flossed thoroughly. When I came back, she was still
there, dangling. I clicked.
Hey sup slut?
Who is this?
It’s me. Your old pal. How’s frat life?
blkrose is not available at the moment . . . she is indisposed ;)
Who is this?
I am the One controling her accounts now
She can’t talk anyways, her hands are tied up, her tungue is clamped, she can only cry
That’s all I want from her, her tears and sorrow
I AM REAPPER
You will reappear?
REAPER! FUCK OFF JEW SHE IS NOT PRETTY NO MORE
I signed off in a panic, as if he could reach right out and choke me with a black glove. Then, scowling at myself for being such a sissy, I signed back on, but by the time my computer reloaded the program, her little icon was gone. I watched part of a movie and fell asleep for a few hours, until I woke up to pee, of course. Passing the computer in the silent apartment, I found myself drawn to its dark face, empty as a mirror, or the polished black stones into which magicians once peered, breathing pipe smoke, believing they could see through time and space. Smoke. I realized it had been a whole day since I’d craved a cigarette. It was working. I brought my computer to life.
IM blkrose signed on 5:10 AM
hello?
hello?
ru there?
My Owner the Reaper gave me permission to write you since i told him you were my friend and the only person i will miss . . . i know u understand i found what i needed
but please free my slave who is in the closet at my house! 42 Pinest
5:12 AM blkrose has gone offline
5:14 AM blkrose signed on
I AM THE REAPER I GATHER PRECXIOUS TEARS HRVEST OF SORROW
5:15 AM blkrose has gone offline
I went back to bed but could not sleep. I rolled around and thought about cigarettes and sex and all the other things it hurt to want until I felt strangled in the sheets. I kicked free and got up to make coffee. Then I went back online, glancing quickly at the email from my client, requesting more rewrites and a conference call. (Did I think they should say “khakis” or “chinos”? Was khaki a color or a whole lifestyle? Did the word “chinos” sound more Hispanic or Chinese?) I answered quickly, then switched to Google Maps, but there were a great many Pine Streets in New Jersey, and restricting my search to those with houses numbered 42 didn’t help much. Then I remembered her story about stumbling across the strip club: Way the fuck out on the turnpike, she’d said. Past the airport. It stunk.
I was pretty sure I knew where that was, having smelled it myself, the fumes from chemical plants mingled with rotting wetlands. I guessed that when she found the place, she’d been living in one of the richer suburban towns, heading out to some slum or crap strip mall her dad’s friend built. So the club had to be along the roads that crossed the stink zone from the rich neighborhoods into Newark. Also, I guessed that if the club was “a place to land,” then the cheap house she’d rented after getting fired would be nearby. I started searching for bars and strip joints, pinning them on the map, and found one, JR’s Cafe Fantasy, that had a Pine Street 7.2 miles away.
