by Heidi Ayarbe
Freeze Frame
Heidi Ayarbe
For my big sister, Carrie, and husband, César.
Thank you for believing.
Contents
1
Gray slats of light slipped between the bars, only to…
2
I opened my eyes. The tiny cell was bright. The…
3
I looked at the cop standing at the door. I…
4
The same two officers from yesterday were in a cramped…
5
Gollum scratched his pointy chin. He looked at Dad, at…
6
Dad waited for us at the emergency room entrance. He…
7
Gollum and Igor cleared their throats.
8
Mark and I walked down a hallway. We passed by…
9
The courtroom smelled like lemon furniture polish and old men’s…
10
I walked to Dr. Matthews’s office. She had a stack…
11
I returned to my plate of cold lasagna and watched…
12
“There isn’t one clock working in this house, Michael.” Mom…
13
“Kyle! Kyle, wake up!” Mel leaned over and shook my…
14
For the disposition, Mom wore the blue dress she saved…
15
The house was quiet. I trudged up to my room…
16
Inertia is deadly.
17
“Kyle, come down for breakfast.” I looked up to see…
18
The hallways hummed with that prelunch electricity. I walked into…
19
I picked up all my papers and stuffed them into…
20
Nobody was around. I guess not many people take time…
21
Riding home, I felt a little bit of relief. I…
22
Tuesday morning was more brutal than Monday, like the day…
23
“Hey, Shadow!” Pinky came up to me and threw me…
24
I shade my eyes, trying to block the glare of…
25
Lunchtime in the library was like a frame still. I…
26
Tuesday morning, Dad took me to school. “Kyle, you need…
27
After Mom and Dad’s conference with all the Carson City…
28
I stood behind the Dumpsters. The bell rang and kids…
29
“How could you do this, Kyle? This isn’t you.” Mom…
30
They wanted to take me to the ER to make…
31
When light from Mom and Dad’s room spilled into the…
32
I woke up to Mom and Mel arguing in the…
33
I stared at the shed. It had been there since…
34
The light in the shed wavered, dimmed, then died. Everything…
35
I woke up to the sound of pebbles hitting my…
36
It was weird to be alive. Everything was under my…
37
One morning, Mr. Cordoba was busy in his office. I…
38
In-house suspension were some of the best weeks I’d had.
39
I held Jason’s Dimex in my hand, just one of…
40
Everybody was psyched for Christmas break and the Winter Ball.
41
I tried to find Chase at school, but Mike told…
42
Since the day with the poinsettia, I hadn’t seen Mr.…
43
At dawn I snuck out. The moon still hung low…
44
“Any New Year’s resolutions, Mr. Caroll?” Mr. Cordoba asked, placing…
45
Everything started going back to normal all around me. Almost…
46
I started to sleep better at night, but I’d always…
47
Dr. Matthews strummed her fingers on her desk. She’d been…
48
I heard hooting early one morning. Chase stood below my…
49
Every day I’d wake up hoping to find Mr. Bishop’s…
50
I pedaled as hard as I could, zigzagging puddles and…
51
All night I thought about how I would direct the…
52
That Tuesday, I waited for Dr. Matthews in her freshly…
53
Weeks passed as Chase was passed back and forth between…
54
The next couple of weeks, Kohana and I worked nonstop…
55
“C’mon.” I tapped on his window.
56
Early on April 23, Chase, Kohana, and I got together.
57
When I got home, Mel was all ready for the…
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
1
Gray slats of light slipped between the bars, only to be swallowed by blackness. I shivered and pulled the colorless blanket around me, squeezing my eyes shut, holding my breath until the pain swelled and exploded in my chest. I exhaled and counted. Each breath took me farther away from where I wanted to be. But I had to go back. I had to change it.
Almost all of yesterday played like a movie in my head. I could start it, rewind, stop, fast-forward, and replay scenes—except for one. That scene never came clear. It was as if the film from the reel had been exposed to sunlight and gotten blotchy.
In some scenes, I even thought about making changes, doing a director’s cut.
Melanie, go back and flip your hair to the other side.
When I thought about it like that, I felt like I had control, like it was a Quentin Tarantino movie, all out of order. I could change anything. But then I would remember. No matter how much changed inside my head, it was the same everywhere else.
October 8, 8:52 A.M., Scene One, Take One
We got up from the table because Jason had used all the syrup. The guy really poured it on. Dad ran down to the store to stock up, as if he knew I needed breakfast to be perfect.
Mom ordered us to get ready for the homecoming game and scooted us out of the kitchen. “You can eat in a couple of minutes.”
“Sorry about the syrup, Mrs. Caroll,” Jason said.
I shook my head. “My pancakes are gonna get cold. You could’ve saved a drop.”
“Big deal, Kyle.” Melanie flipped her hair. “God, Mom, he can be such a dumbass.”
“Mel, watch your language.” Mom glared.
Jason swallowed a laugh. In his house, he’d be nailed for saying dumbass. “Sorry, man. I like a lot of syrup.”
“I guess so.” I rolled my eyes. “Pig.”
“You shouldn’t insult your guest,” Melanie huffed. “Grow up, Kyle.”
Jason wasn’t a “guest.” You can’t consider your best friend since kindergarten a guest, even if he hasn’t been around for a while.
I glared at Mel. “It sure wouldn’t have hurt you to save some either.” I puffed out my cheeks and gut. “If I were you and had to wear that cheerleading skirt, I definitely wouldn’t be eating pancakes—and especially not with syrup.”
“Mom!” Melanie yelled. “Did you hear what he just said?”
Mom shot me her you’re-a-step-from-deep-shit look.
“What?” I asked. “I didn’t do anything. I swear!” But by that time Mom was after me with a spatula, and Jason and I ran out the kitchen door before she began s
creaming too.
“Oh, man,” I grumbled, standing barefoot out on the frostbitten grass. I danced from one foot to the other. The cold burned my toes.
“Things don’t change around here, huh?” Jason’s teeth chattered. “It’s cold, man. I’m, like, still in my pajamas.” He looked around. “Remember when we decided to go snow camping out here after watching Vertical Limit?”
We’d thought it’d be pretty easy, pretend like we were mountaineers or something. Eat beef jerky for breakfast. We didn’t even last an hour. We might’ve lasted longer if Jase hadn’t insisted that he had frostbite. And I didn’t want to have to explain to his mom why his toes fell off.
I laughed. “Maybe the coast is clear. Let’s go back inside.”
Jason and I peeked in the kitchen window. We saw Melanie blabbering away at Mom. Mom pushed a plate of half-eaten pancakes in front of her.
“It doesn’t look good. Mel’s pretty pissed.” Jason turned toward me. “You might not get to go to the game.”
“Nah.” I shook my head. “You think?” I was standing on my toes, trying to keep my feet from freezing off.
“Yeah, man. That’s the kind of shit that gets me sent to Pastor Pretzer.”
Jason’s family was really churchy, and he always had to talk to his minister when he got in trouble. Whenever we did something wrong at his house, Mrs. Bishop quoted something from the Bible. Her favorite was “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
When we were in ninth grade, I asked Mrs. Bishop if that meant we could do unto Kayla Griffin as we would have her do unto us, and she sent me home. I didn’t think Mrs. Bishop would get so worked up. It’s not like we were twelve or anything, and it was pretty funny.
Mom told me I was being disrespectful. I had to write a letter of apology to Mrs. Bishop and was put on Jason’s “probation friend” list. After nine years of being best friends, I became a probation friend. Only Mrs. Bishop could think of crap like that.
“Well, I wouldn’t have called her fat if she really was,” I told Jason. “I’m not that big of an asshole.” I looked back in the window. “Plus, when did our sisters become such freak shows? I mean, Mel used to be pretty cool before all the cheerleading and diets and shit.”
Jason shrugged. “I dunno. So, what’s next?”
“Let’s hang in the shed until things cool down, unless you want to go around through the front door.”
“Our feet would freeze off before we got there.”
We crossed the backyard to Dad’s work shed. The dew soaked my pajama pants. The door was locked, but I knew where Dad kept the key and grabbed it from the ledge. The shed had metal doors, kind of rusty; they screeched when we opened them.
“Shhhh,” Jason said. “Keep it down.”
The shed smelled like a mixture of oil, fertilizer, and wood shavings.
If I were a director, I could change everything. Jason and I could’ve gone into the garage and waited. We could’ve sucked up the cold and snuck in the front door. We could’ve gone down the street to his house. Maybe I wouldn’t have told Mel she was fat. As a director, I had so many choices.
That’s why this movie in my head sucked. It didn’t change. Nothing was under my control.
I shoved the palms of my hands into my eyes, pushing so hard, I could feel the thumping in the back of my brain. I heard the tick, tick, tick of the seconds marking the time in my head.
I smelled burning.
October 8, 9:03 A.M., Scene Two, Take One
Jason and I sat on the workbench. Light filtered through the grimy windows; everything looked distorted and gray.
“It’s not much warmer in here than outside, Jase.” I shivered.
“Yeah, but it’s all right. We should come in here more often. We could call Alex and the guys over. There’s a lot of cool stuff.” Jason got up and started to look around.
The hair bristled on the back of my neck. “Last time we got busted.”
“Well, we wouldn’t have if you hadn’t set the wood shavings on fire. Your dad and mom just about shit when they saw the flames.”
“I didn’t really think I could do it with a string and stick like they do in the movies. It was kinda cool, though.”
Jason rolled his eyes. “Yeah.”
Mom and Dad had acted as if we’d set the whole state on fire. They came running out with the fire extinguisher, screaming and hollering. The side of the shed turned black. And Jason and I had to go to a fire safety course at the community center.
“What’s your dad do in here, anyway?” Jason opened some drawers.
I shrugged. “Stuff, I guess.” I looked around. Shelves sagged with the weight of paint cans, tools, tattered boxes, and unfinished projects. “I think he likes it because he doesn’t have to clean it up. Mom doesn’t even come in here.”
“Check this out.” Jason handed me a huge pair of curved, rusty scissors. They looked like a medieval torture tool.
“Let’s see what else there is.” I jumped off the bench and started going through drawers and boxes. “Hey, look!” I pulled down Grandpa’s old 8 mm film projector. “I’d forgotten about this.” A box of home movies was tucked behind it. I pulled out some reels and blew off the dust. The film still looked pretty clean. “Maybe we can set it up later, huh?”
Jase didn’t answer. He was distracted.
“Whatcha got, Jase?”
Jason jimmied the lock on a metal box. He whistled. “Check this baby out.”
I put the movies down. Jason’s find was much better.
2
I opened my eyes. The tiny cell was bright. The sun had risen, but I wished it hadn’t. I didn’t know how long I was going to have to stay here or what I was supposed to do. It wasn’t like Mom and Dad had sent me there as a punishment.
I could just hear how stupid that would’ve sounded. Kyle, you really messed up this time. We’re locking you up.
Yesterday nobody said anything at all. It was how they looked that made me sick.
I lay back down on the cot.
Footsteps echoed down the hallway. The door slid open.
“Hey, kid!”
I didn’t answer.
“Kid, um…” He shuffled some papers. “Kyle Caroll? You sleeping?”
I opened my mouth, but no words came out.
“Caroll, you got visitors here. You gotta get dressed and come out. They’re not gonna wait all day.”
I looked at the cop. I thought about the next scene of the movie. Everything got blurry then and went black. But that was the moment that everybody wanted to hear about. Over and over again. What could I say? I didn’t know what had happened.
I thought about it again. The air smelled like iron and fire. I saw gray powder and heard a thundering boom. But I couldn’t see.
One time Jase and I rented a movie called Groundhog Day, where the guy woke up every day on the same day. He had to get the day perfect, because if he didn’t, he’d wake up on the same day again.
I kept wishing that would happen to me.
3
I looked at the cop standing at the door. I wondered how fast he could run. Sometimes these guys seemed a little too thick around the middle to catch anyone.
“There’s a lot of people with a lot of questions, kid. You need to get ready.”
He didn’t look too tough. He looked kind of bored, actually. I wondered if he had been up all night. His face looked scruffy. My face never looked scruffy, but I shaved anyway, just ’cause the other guys did. My razors usually lasted about five or six weeks unless I forgot to take them out of the shower and they got all rusty. They lasted way longer than Mel’s. It kinda sucked to have a sister hairier than me. Once I asked Jase if Brooke was hairier than he was. “I won’t dignify that with a response,” he said.
Dumb question. Jason was one of the hairiest guys in tenth grade.
“I don’t have any answers.” I turned my back to the cop.
October 8, 9:16 A.M., Scene Four, Take One
“Oh, shit, Jason. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Mom and Dad are gonna shit.” I looked around the shed. “Did anything break?”
But Jason didn’t move.
“Jesus, Jason, help me out, man. We’re in deep.”
Jason was slumped against Dad’s workbench.
He didn’t say anything. I couldn’t hear much anyway, but I would’ve at least seen his mouth move if he had said something, like in one of those silent films. It was all wrong. He just looked at me funny.
“Jason, don’t be an asshole. Help me out. Jason?”
At that moment, I felt like somebody had drained all my blood. Why the hell was he doubled over that way?
The shed door screeched open. Mom blocked out all the light.
“What’s going on, Kyle? What was that noise?” Mom looked at me, at Jason. “Oh my God, Kyle, what happened?”
I stood there.
Mom pushed me out of the way and ran over to Jason. “Mel! Mel, call nine-one-one!”
Mel stood in the doorway, gaping.
We were all stuck, like somebody had hit the pause button, only Mom didn’t pause. Mel stood. Jason slumped. I froze. And Mom moved, flittered, vibrated.
“Jesus, Mel. Get out of the way, then.” Mom ran out of the shed and into the house. I could hear the hinge of the kitchen door. It squeaked and stayed ajar. Dad needed to fix the door. Mom came back with a blanket and sat on the shed floor. She held Jason’s head in her lap.
